Tagan's Child

by ammyford1

  Back in my room I decided against a bikini, not wanting him to think I was using sex to get around him and so I pulled an emerald green one-piece costume out of the drawer instead. I slipped a pretty white sundress over my head. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like a scared rabbit in the headlights. The very real possibility that he might reject me, filled me with terror. I squared my shoulders. I loved him, and I dared to hope, he still loved me.

  All the things I wanted to say to him whirled around in my head as I made my way back through the palace and out into the garden. I crossed the lawn and felt the urge to break into a run. I forced myself not to, and made it to the gate to the walled pool area, at a fast walk. I hesitated, took a deep breath and walked through the gateway.

  Toby was diving and retrieving something he had thrown in the pool and the King, Queen and Grammour were sat under a large sunshade watching Toby as they talked.

  My eyes scanned the area for Ahran but there was no sign of him. I felt the panic begin to rise. Perhaps he had gone in to change.

  I approached Toby’s grandparents. “Where’s Ahran?” I asked.

  “He had to go, something about a delivery he had to get back for,” the King answered. There was something about Leylana’s sympathetic look that made me realise what I had begun to fear. He had left because of me.

  “Are you going in the pool?” The King asked, oblivious to how this news had just begun the slow and painful disintegration of my world.

  “Um, yes,” I faltered. This was a loud and clear message from Ahran that he wasn’t prepared to entertain a reconciliation, let alone consider a future with me and it left me feeling empty and crushed.

  “Come on Auntie Sophe, its lovely in here,” Toby shouted, treading water.

  All I wanted to do was run as fast as I could away from the palace but I took off my sundress and dived into the pool instead. Despite all other noises sounding muffled under the water, my despair roared agonizingly in my ears. All I wanted to do was sink to the bottom and let the weight of the water push me into oblivion. Eventually, I surfaced but only when my head pounded and my lungs felt like they were about to burst.

  I swam a couple of lengths to give me enough time to gather myself.

  “Here, Auntie Sophie. Catch.” Toby threw the ball in my direction.

  I caught it and we spent the next twenty minutes playing catch in the water whilst I pretended that everything was okay.

  “That’s me, I’m done,” I said, pulling myself out of the water. I couldn’t pretend any longer when all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and implode.

  I laid on one of the sun loungers and closed my eyes whilst Toby resumed his diving game.

  Was that really it? Ahran wasn’t even prepared to discuss what had happened between us, he was just going to let it go, let us go without a fight? I felt helpless and angry that he hadn’t given us more of a chance.

  Toby finally emerged from the pool cold and wrinkly.

  Leylana wrapped a large towel around him and chivvied him indoors. He now had a room of his own with a wardrobe full of clothes. I excused myself saying I had a headache and retreated to the confines of my room. I laid myself on the bed and cried myself to sleep.

  *****

  When I woke up it was dusk. My head was still pounding and the horrible feeling of complete desolation continued to bear down on me. But this time it had descended as a result of something that was completely out of my control. Before, it had been a self-enforced exile, but now I felt like I was in the Ramian equivalent of deepest darkest Siberia with no hope of ever escaping.

  I went through the motions of showering and getting dressed and joined the King, Queen and Grammour for pre-dinner drinks.

  “Ah, there you are my dear. Would you like an aperitif?”

  “Um, yes thank you,” I said. I felt like snatching the decanter away from the servant hovering next to him and downing the lot. Anything to dull the pain.

  “Are you feeling better?” Grammour asked.

  “Yes much better, thank you,” I lied politely, although I knew I hadn’t convinced the Queen who was eyeing me suspiciously.

  “Where’s Toby?” I asked, not only was I wondering why he wasn’t here with us but I wanted to distract the Queen from her close scrutiny.

  “Salom came over to play this afternoon and they decided to have tea in the den away from the grown-ups. I hope you don’t mind but I’ve agreed to Salom staying for a sleep-over.”

  “No, that’s fine. I wouldn’t want to cramp my nephew’s style,” I said with a weak smile. I remembered that Salom was a distant cousin of Toby’s and that they’d hit it off the evening the King and Queen introduced Toby to his subjects. It was the same night I’d fled Ramia.

  The Queen nodded even though a frown clouded her features.

  We sat and drank our drinks and I listened to the King telling Grammour all the latest about the horses. Which horse had won what race and which fillies and colts appeared to be showing promise. They spoke in English for my benefit but they could have been speaking Ramian for all it mattered to me.

  “Have you ever ridden Sophie?” the Queen asked, trying to draw me into the conversation.

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Have you ever ridden?” she repeated.

  “Yes, when I was a child. I used to go down to the local stables in our village but I haven’t ridden for years.” All I wanted to do was return to my room and lick my wounds but I didn’t want to appear rude, so I did my best to be good company until the time came when I could politely excuse myself. Unfortunately, we hadn’t even eaten yet.

  “Maybe you would like to come out for a ride with me? We have a couple of quiet horses you could ride.”

  “Thank you, that sounds fun,” I said. “I didn’t know you rode.”

  “I take it a little more sedately nowadays but I used to ride a lot when I was younger.”

  “The Queen is being modest,” Halsan interrupted, after eavesdropping on our conversation.

  “What she has neglected to tell you is that she was the Ramian Three Day Event Champion for twelve years running at the Fifteen Districts,” the King said proudly.

  I had no idea what this was but it was obviously a big deal. “That sounds impressive.”

  Leylana looked embarrassed. “That was a long time ago, before I had Tagan.”

  The King came over and put his hand on his wife’s shoulder. “Don’t let her downplay her achievements. No one has matched her success since.” The Queen placed her hand over her husband’s and smiled up at him.

  They were so sweet together. They were each other’s biggest fan and it was heartening to see how much they loved one another. Unfortunately, in my current state of mind, it only served to highlight my aloneness and the prospect of the rest of my life without Ahran.

  I was forced to look away.

  “Horses are a good leveller,” Grammour said. “They don’t stand any nonsense; they can snout out a fool as soon as look at them. They also help to keep old bones young. I ride as often as I can.” Somehow the picture of the fearless Grammour sat astride a horse didn’t come as any surprise. I had to admire her. I bet she didn’t let anything grind her down.

  “You must be careful Grammour. If you should fall off…well, it doesn’t bear thinking about,” Leylana said, frowning and shaking her head.

  “Oh tush!” She said defiantly. I haven’t fallen off for a hundred and forty years, and I’m not about to.”

  One of the maids came in and announced that dinner was ready, cutting our conversation short.

  We took our places at the dinner table. The thought of food turned my stomach but I wasn’t sure how I was going to get away with not eating under Leylana’s watchful eye.

  Dinner was a slow and arduous affair. I forced down as much I could even though I had to stifle a gag at every mouthful. I allowed the conversation to flow around me and did my best impression of someone who wasn’t falling apart by laughing at t
he appropriate moments and answering the questions that were directed at me. Just when I thought I’d got away with it and could slink off to my room to suffer in silence, Grammour intercepted. “Let’s sit down comfortably and have coffee,” she said, as we all got up from the table. “Sophie, now tell me do women still wear those awful shapeless dresses?”

  I groaned inwardly as she steered me into the drawing room. I was questioned about all things from fashion to politics for the next hour until I felt like screaming. I couldn’t take much more. Did this woman never tire?

  I could have kissed the King when he challenged her to a game of chess. I sat and stared into space for a moment, gathering the strength to say my goodbyes.

  Leylana came and sat on the arm of my chair and leant towards me. “Go to him,” she whispered.

  I looked up at her in surprise.

  “Take one of the cars and go to him,” she urged.

  I didn’t even pretend to not know what she was talking about. I closed my eyes and shook my head. “He doesn’t want me,” I whispered back.

  “He wants you. He is just frightened to tell you in case you reject him.”

  I looked up into Leylana’s kind, sympathetic eyes. How could she possibly think he wanted me when he couldn’t get away quick enough? “He can’t stand the sight of me.”

  “Now, stop it. I watched him and he was barely able to take his eyes off you at lunch, trust me. I’ll have a car waiting for you outside in ten minutes.”

  My heart felt like it had just been jump-started. I hesitated. What if she was wrong? “What about the King?” I said, looking over her shoulder at the King and his mother.

  “Leave him to me. Now go,” she said, making a discreet shooing gesture.

  Chapter 33

  I slipped out of the drawing room without saying goodbye and went back to my room. I didn’t have time to change, a white pair of jeans and a long sleeved, pale blue chiffon blouse would have to do. I had enough time to grab a wraparound cardigan before making my way to the front of the palace. I had to question whether I had completely lost my mind. There was nothing about how Ahran had behaved this afternoon that made me think he still wanted me and yet I was going to hand myself to him based on Leylana’s hunch. Surely it was emotional suicide. By the time I got to the entrance hall I was experiencing an acute case of cold feet and started to turn back to my room. I couldn’t face the rejection again.

  “Sophie!” Leylana called from behind me. “Don’t even think about it,” she said firmly but kindly. She had obviously come to make sure I wasn’t about to chicken out.

  I spun around and looked at her pleadingly. “I can’t do it. What if you’re wrong?” I said, unable to keep the anguish from my voice.

  Leylana stopped in front of me, her expression was kind and sympathetic. She pushed a strand of hair out of my eyes like a mother does to her child. It was an insignificant gesture but I was touched.

  “I’ve known Ahran all his life, I can read him, please trust me on this one.”

  I nodded slowly. What reason had I to doubt her?

  “Now go,” she said softly.

  I hesitated and then gave her a hug, hoping to God she was right.

  “One of the bodyguards will accompany you, if you don’t intend to return tonight, send him back,” she said with a meaningful smile.

  I could feel my cheeks colouring as I returned her smile. I kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

  “Good luck Sophie.”

  She stood in the doorway as I descended the steps outside the palace. I climbed into the back of one of the royal cars hovering on the drive. I recognised the man in the front seat as one of the King’s regular bodyguards and said hello. He nodded his response and the car pulled away smoothly.

  I laid my head back on the headrest and drew in a steadying breath. I had an hour to think about what to say to Ahran. My heart was in my throat and adrenaline pulsed through my veins. Deep breaths Sophe, deep breaths.

  What was I going to say?

  I put my face in my hands not feeling at all ready for this and spent the journey coming up with numerous explanations for suddenly arriving on Ahran’s doorstep. Gradually I discarded them one by one. I nearly asked the bodyguard to take me back to the palace on at least three occasions but in what seemed like no time at all we were gliding down the driveway to Ahran’s house.

  “Oh God,” I whispered. My stomach was in knots and I felt sick.

  We pulled up at the front door. I sat in the backseat unable to move, and was beginning to seriously regret allowing Leylana to talk me into coming. The door opened and the bodyguard stood waiting to help me out of the car. I felt completely paralysed. He poked his head in to see why I hadn’t moved. “Miss McAllister?”

  “Okay, okay, I’m getting out. Please don’t go anywhere,” I said, irritated and flustered.

  I walked up to the front door my legs feeling like jelly and quickly rapped the doorknocker before I gave into the urge to turn and flee. I closed my eyes and waited, feeling like I was about to pass out. And I waited. Great! He’s not even here. I took a step backwards. He had to be here, there were lights on upstairs and I thought I’d heard the distant sound of a power tool.

  “I must be insane,” I whispered to myself and banged the doorknocker more loudly. After a minute or two the door opened and my breath caught in my throat.

  “Sophie?!” Ahran looked at me as if I was some ghostly apparition.

  “Can we talk?” Of all the clever things I had planned to say, that’s what came out.

  We stood and stared at each other. A pair of eye protectors were pushed up onto his head, a dust mask hanging around his neck and he was covered in sawdust. He looked like some hot male model about to do a photo shoot for Dream Guys calendar. My heart faltered in my chest.

  His initial surprise faded and his face quickly became expressionless.

  “Um, do you think I could come in?”

  He hesitated and for one horrible moment I thought he was going to say no. He stood back and opened the door wider. I stepped in and walked past him.

  “I hope I haven’t interrupted you.”

  “I was sanding the floor in one of the bedrooms.” His voice was tight.

  I hovered in the hallway not quite sure what to do next. He just stood there looking at me, his expression giving nothing away.

  “Go through,” he said finally, gesturing towards the kitchen.

  If I’d had any romantic notion about him welcoming me with open arms it certainly wasn’t being played out. Feeling completely awkward and wishing for the umpteenth time I hadn’t come, I did as he directed and made my way into the kitchen.

  “Take a seat,” he said, motioning to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “Would you like a drink?” He was being all polite and formal and weird and I just wanted the Ahran I knew and loved back.

  “Um, yes please.”

  “What would you like?”

  “Oh whatever you’re having.” I opted for being undemanding.

  He nodded and I watched him as he busied himself opening a bottle of wine. He moved about the kitchen in that Ahran way, easy and confident. There was no doubt his physical attractiveness was off the scale but the way he carried himself was just as alluring.

  He poured two glasses and placed one in front of me. I gave him an uncertain smile. “Thanks.”

  He nodded, unmoved. We looked at each other. The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I’m just going to get cleaned up. Make yourself comfortable,” he said after a few moments.

  “Okay, thanks.” I seriously doubted any chance of that in my current frame of mind.

  He disappeared upstairs and left me sitting at the breakfast bar thinking I would be needing that ride back to the palace after all. I looked around the kitchen and breakfast room. Apart from the stools and a few bits of kitchen paraphernalia on the surfaces, the room was as empty as when I had been here last. It looked like he was camping rather than living here.

&
nbsp; I took a sip of my wine. Okay, so far, not so good. Ahran was being horribly distant and I began to feel desperate and miserable. I absentmindedly rubbed my chest to ease the ache that was starting to throb there. Perhaps I would just apologise and tell him I no longer harboured any hard feelings. Once I had said my piece, I would leave and try to do what I could to rebuild my life, as impossible as that seemed now. The thought of a future without him was just too painfully bleak.

  No. I had made it here, I had to give it my best shot and so I waited with my heart in my throat and after what seemed an interminable amount of time he returned having showered. He looked and smelt divine. I groaned inwardly. I’m not sure I can do this. I contemplated making a dash for the door.

  “Shall we go into the sitting room? It’s more comfortable in there,” he suggested.

  “Yes, okay.” I picked up my wine glass and followed him in. He was barefoot and wore a pair of worn jeans that hung on his hips and a white t-shirt that clung to his muscular frame. How I wanted to reach out and touch him.

  “Please, sit down.”

  He may as well have been talking to his bank manager. I felt like screaming. ‘It’s me, Sophie. You loved me once, remember?’ I placed my wine glass on the coffee table and tried to ignore the slight shake of my hands. I didn’t dare sit on the sofa with him, being too close scrambled my brain so I chose the armchair across from him which earned me a raised eyebrow.

  “Are you warm enough?” he asked.

  “I’m fine.” I perched on the edge of the seat with my hands in my lap hardly knowing how to begin.

  He sat there looking more relaxed than I felt and remained silent whilst he waited for me to say something.

  I took a deep breath. “Look, I’m not sure why I even came here tonight…I…I suppose you left this afternoon before we’d had a chance to finish our conversation and I just wanted the chance to say…” I wrung my hands in my lap and tried again. “I mean, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry,” I said quickly. I looked him in the eyes and wished he’d give me something, anything that would make me feel less awkward and more hopeful that I wasn’t putting myself through this for nothing.