Finding Home

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Allison shrugged and gave her a quick grin. “I’m okay. I’m glad to be home. And you? Sheila was telling me you’re taking care of Brittany.”

  “Where is Brittany?” Jess was asking his mother.

  “She’s sleeping,” Sheila said, giving Naomi a quick smile.

  Naomi was distracted by the questions Jess was asking his mother and said nothing more to Allison.

  “So what did Scott have to say to her?”

  Sheila’s smile was even more confusing. “It was good news. He said he wants to be involved with the baby. He said that he’s working on getting a place for Brittany and the baby, but that it would take a month.” Sheila pressed her hand to her heart. “Brittany was so overwhelmed, her heart was pounding. She could hardly talk. I got scared, so I called the ambulance and then I called you. Don’t know what came over that girl.”

  Or you, Naomi wanted to say. Obviously Brittany was okay. It was Sheila who had overreacted.

  “So you called the ambulance?” Jess asked, his voice heavy with incredulity.

  “Well, I didn’t know what to think. I know she’s not well and that she’s fragile. I guess I—”

  “Panicked,” Jess finished for her, giving Naomi a weary glance. Then, as if noticing her for the first time, he looked over at Allison. He gave her a polite smile, said hello, then walked down the hall to Brittany’s room.

  Allison caught Naomi by the hand and pulled her down onto a chair across from her. “Sit down. Tell me more about your life. What’s been going on since you and Billy left Rockyview?”

  “Would you like some coffee, Allison? Naomi?” Sheila was asking.

  Naomi nodded as she watched Jess disappear into Brittany’s room. She was tired and her whirling thoughts finally began to settle and find their place in her aching head. She wanted to be alone with him, but right now Allison was claiming her attention.

  “So I heard about Billy,” Allison was saying. “I’m so sorry. That must have been hard.” She claimed Naomi’s hand, squeezing it lightly.

  “It was,” Naomi admitted. “But I am thankful God has given me the strength to deal with it. And every day is a new day.” Sheila set a cup of coffee in front of her and patted her on the shoulder, as if commiserating with her as well.

  “And how is your nana?” Allison asked. “I heard she had a heart attack last fall?”

  “She was one of the reasons I came back.”

  Allison glanced back over her shoulder to Brittany’s room where Jess now was, lips shaping a tiny smirk. “I’m guessing there was another reason you came back?”

  Naomi chose to ignore the innuendo in Allison’s voice. Allison knew all about Naomi’s relationship with Jess. It was one of the reasons their friendship faded. Allison had never approved of Jess and had made her views known loud and clear.

  “Hailey and Shannon are getting married,” Naomi said. “And I wanted to be around for that, as well.”

  “Are you thinking of sticking around Rockyview awhile after the weddings?” Allison continued.

  Naomi couldn’t stop a faint flush that tinged her cheeks, thinking of the kisses she and Jess had shared up on the mountain. “I’m fairly sure I am.”

  “And Jess is building a new house,” Allison was saying, as if there was a connection between the two statements. Which there was, but Allison didn’t need to know that right now.

  “Naomi is making stained-glass windows for it,” Sheila put in.

  Allison turned back to Naomi, her features holding genuine pleasure. “That’s fantastic. I was always surprised you didn’t do more with that. You were so good.” Allison turned to Sheila. “She’s done some great stuff with her stained-glass work. My mom got her to do some lamps. She still has them. Has been offered a lot of money for them, but she won’t sell them.”

  “The windows are just a project for now,” Naomi said.

  Allison poked her, a knowing smirk on her face, as she leaned forward. “If I’m not mistaken, it looks like you and Jess are back together again?”

  “They went for a hike this afternoon,” Sheila put in helpfully. “A date.”

  Naomi wanted to roll her eyes, but Allison was looking at her, surprise all over her face. “Really?” Then she sat back, taking another sip of her coffee. “You know, despite what I always said about him I think it’s a good thing. I realize now that you and Jess belong together. I never saw you so happy with anyone as when you were with Jess. I think it’s great that in spite of everything that happened with you and him, you guys are back together.”

  Naomi’s heart stammered in her chest. “What do you mean ‘in spite of everything that happened’?” Confusion mingled with fear.

  What exactly was Allison talking about?

  The door to Brittany’s room opened and shut and Jess came walking down the hallway.

  But Allison didn’t seem to hear Jess coming and leaned forward, her voice growing more quiet. “You know. What happened after you and Jess, you know, were together. I don’t know what I would have done in your case. That must have been so hard.” She put her hand on Naomi’s arm, the concern in her gaze and the sympathy in her voice sending a chill through Naomi’s heart.

  Was she talking about the pregnancy? If so, how in the world did she know? Naomi had told no one but Billy. Not even her sisters knew then.

  “How did you know? How did you find out?” The questions burst out in a panicked rush.

  “Billy told me that he—” Allison began.

  “Billy told you?” Naomi interrupted, the chill turning to ice. “He shouldn’t have. What happened was personal. Private.” Even as she protested, her mind scrabbled back. Had she told Billy? She had been so ashamed. She was fairly sure she had said nothing to him.

  “But...everyone knew,” Allison said, her expression one of genuine confusion. “I mean, the whole town knew that when Billy came back and found out you were dating Jess, he was determined to get you back.”

  Dread clutched her heart as Naomi realized what Allison was talking about. She pressed her chilly fingers to her lips, stilling anything more she might say, knowing she had already said too much.

  Please, Lord, help me get through this.

  Then, as she looked at Jess’s expression, she knew the time had come. She couldn’t put this off any longer.

  Chapter 12

  Jess stared at Naomi who now sat back in her chair, her eyes closed, her fingers pressed to her lips.

  What did she mean when she said it was personal and private? What was?

  The questions circled his brain and even though he tried to tamp them down, he knew he would be asking them of Naomi when the time came.

  “How is Brittany?” Sheila was asking him, seemingly unaware of the emotions swirling around the other occupants of the room.

  “She’s okay. She wasn’t sleeping,” Jess said, the mental switch in gears almost making his mind crunch. “She was telling me about Scott when he called again. Sounds like they’re making plans.”

  “Well, isn’t that wonderful,” Sheila was saying with what looked to Jess like a relieved smile.

  “Yeah. Pretty good.” He had felt a moment of relief, as well, but that had only lasted as long as it had taken him to walk from Brittany’s room to the kitchen.

  When he heard Naomi’s scattered comments and saw the sheer panic on her face. What was she so afraid of? What had Allison said that triggered it?

  “It’s okay,” Allison was saying, patting Naomi on the arm. “You and Billy had dated for ages. I mean, when he came back to town after you and Jess got together, none of us were surprised you went back to him. Though I thought your sisters knew about it. I mean, the whole town knew about it.”

  “Of course. Yes, they did,” Naomi said, breathless, her eyes downcast. “I meant that they didn’t know...didn’t know why... Anyway, it’s all in the past now.”

  “Yeah, it is. And for the record, I always thought you and Jess made a better couple.” Allison glanced over at Jess, giving
him a quick smile. “And I’m happy for you that you guys are back together again.”

  Jess gave her an absent nod, glanced over at Naomi again, who still wasn’t looking at him.

  Curiosity gnawed at him, but he guessed he wouldn’t learn anything more until Allison was gone.

  “I’m going over to the house to get a few last-minute things done,” he said to his mother.

  “Connor phoned, as well,” his mother told him. “He said he would be done tomorrow. And some guy left a message about the soffit and fascia, whatever that is.”

  Jess acknowledged his mother’s information with a tight nod. That meant that all the last-minute things would be done earlier than he thought. The house would be officially done tomorrow.

  So why didn’t he feel happier about that?

  He walked out of his old house and headed toward his new house, Naomi’s strange behavior nipping at his insecurities. Just relax, he told himself. She’s feeling overwhelmed after what happened, or rather didn’t happen, with Brittany, that was all.

  He was feeling overwhelmed himself. One minute he thought Brittany was having her baby, the next minute the father of the baby was stepping up to his responsibilities. His relief made him feel guilty, but at the same time he was thankful things were coming together for Brittany.

  He stepped inside his house, the smell of new carpet and paint still present. He smiled as he looked around the first floor. The hardwood floors of the living and dining room were an expanse of gleaming oak, waiting for tables, couches, lamps and chairs to soften them. The kitchen cabinets shone with a dull glow, the brushed-metal pulls the exact complement to the walnut stain. The bricked-in archway for the stove stood empty, as did the space for the refrigerator. Those appliances were coming tomorrow and then he would have to think about furnishing the rest of the house.

  He had put that off for the past few weeks.

  In some tucked-away corner of his mind he had nurtured a faint hope that Naomi would be having some say in how they furnished it.

  But now?

  He tamped down the misgivings he had felt when he saw Naomi’s reaction to what Allison had said a few moments ago.

  Please, Lord, help me to let go of what I can’t control and trust in You.

  The prayer settled him and as he went up the stairs, his eyes shifted to the space that would soon hold the stained-glass windows Naomi was still working on. He smiled at the thought. Everything will be fine, he told himself.

  Just fine.

  Naomi walked Allison out to her car, hoping her friend didn’t think she had gone completely off the deep end. Partway through the visit Sheila had excused herself, but not before giving Naomi a decidedly puzzled look.

  Naomi didn’t blame her. The words that Naomi had spilled out when Allison had made her innocent comment would confuse anyone. She had also caught the surprise on Jess’s face.

  She wanted to run to Jess and explain.

  But Allison had wanted to see the stained-glass windows, so Naomi showed them to her, trying to keep up her end of the conversation about old friends and how wonderful it was that Naomi was doing what she loved and would Naomi consider doing some more work for Allison’s parents?

  Naomi wanted to get excited about the idea, but all the while in her head Naomi kept revisiting the conversation they’d had when Jess came down the hall.

  Allison hadn’t known about the pregnancy, she realized. It was Naomi’s own inherent guilt that had made her overreact to what Allison was saying. That and the fact that she needed to tell Jess about the pregnancy had been roiling below the surface of every conversation she’d had with him for the past few days.

  She needed to find out more, one part of her mind reasoned, even as she made inane chitchat with Allison. She needed to know his reasons for why he always said he didn’t want to be a father.

  But even as one part of her mind excused herself, her conscience accused her.

  Jess had a right to know much sooner than now. And once Allison was gone, she had to talk to him.

  “So can I let my parents know?” Allison was asking.

  Naomi yanked her thoughts back to her friend, trying to catch up.

  “About the windows I asked you to make for them,” Allison prompted, giving Naomi a puzzled smile.

  “Yeah. Sure.” Naomi gave herself a mental shake. “Let me know when it’s convenient to talk to them and...and I can come over.”

  “I’ll do that.” Allison gave Naomi a quick hug. “It’s so great to see you again and, to tell the truth, I’m so glad you’re back with Jess. He and you belonged together way more than you and Billy.”

  Naomi wanted to ask her more about her comment, curious why she should say that when she and Billy had dated so long, but she simply returned Allison’s hug, gave her a quick smile, then bade her goodbye.

  She waited until Allison’s car rounded the corner, then turned to face Jess’s house.

  Please, Lord, help me say the right thing, she prayed, her chilly fingers wrapping themselves around each other. Forgive me for waiting so long. Help me to find the right way to tell him. Open his heart to what I have to say.

  Then she blew out her breath, took another one and strode up the sidewalk to the house. She stepped inside and heard Jess’s tuneless whistle coming from upstairs. He always said he couldn’t hold a tune, but he loved music.

  She called his name and waited but didn’t hear a reply. Her heart was knocking so hard, she was surprised that didn’t draw his attention.

  She followed the sound of his whistling, on one level admiring the craftsmanship of the house, allowing herself a tiny glimpse of hope. Would this be their home?

  She walked up the stairs, her hands clammy on the wooden rail and when she came to the top, he stepped out of a room. He gave her a quick smile and walked over to her and gave her a hug.

  “Good news about Brittany, eh?” he said, running his hands up and down her arms.

  She nodded.

  “I’m so glad Scott is doing the right thing. I hope he and Brittany can make it work. It’s a tough start with a baby right away. I know I would have a hard time with that.” He stopped and released a shaky laugh. “Sorry, I’m yapping away here.”

  “Would you have?” she asked, latching on to his previous comment. “Would you have had a hard time if you had to deal with a baby right away?”

  Jess nodded. “Yeah, I would. I’ve told you enough times how I felt about kids. About being a father.”

  “Yet you offered to take Brittany in. And you said she would have a home if she and the baby needed it.”

  “Of course. But, really, it wouldn’t have been my kid, so I think that’s different.” He frowned, a concerned light in his eyes. “Why are we talking about this?”

  Naomi felt her resolve falter, then winged up another prayer and wished they were sitting down. Not standing in a hallway, their words echoing in the empty house.

  “I have something I need to tell you and I’m hoping, no, I’m praying you’ll understand.”

  “Does it have to do with what you were saying to Allison?”

  “Yes, it does.”

  Jess’s only reply was to cross his arms.

  “I suppose you remember the fight you and I had?” she continued. “Before I went back to Billy?”

  “Yeah.” He dropped the word like a rock between them. “How could I forget? I can’t apologize enough for what happened then—”

  “You talked about how you didn’t think you could be a father and now I know why.” She licked her lips and locked her hands. “I’m sorry I never completely understood what you had to deal with. I never... I never knew how hard it was for you.”

  Jess said nothing, his feet planted on the carpet, as if bracing himself.

  “The reason I had come to you to talk about being a father, about being married was because...when I came to you...well...I was pregnant. Pregnant with your baby.”

  The words she’d been storing up for weeks, maybe eve
n years, finally spilled out into a silence so deafening it made her ears ache.

  Then she dared look up at Jess and the anguish on his face tunneled into her soul.

  “I know I should have told you, but it was so hard,” she said. “It was like I kept the secret so long it became a part of me. It became normal and I didn’t see you. Didn’t expect to see you until I came back here. Then, spending time with you...I fell in love...”

  Naomi tamped down the words roiling beneath the surface. The words that would pull her back into a storm of feelings she always experienced around Jess. Words that would pull at the frail grip she had on her fragile self-control. She had to stay in charge.

  “So how did you break the news to Billy?” Jess said. “Or did you and him—”

  “No. Never. I told you when I first came here that you were the only one I was ever, ever intimate with.” She wished she didn’t sound so defensive, but Jess had no right to accuse her of what he just did.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, shoving his hands through his hair, his face twisted into an expression of anguish. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  Then he looked at her, his eyes blazing with intensity. “So where’s the baby? Did you give it up?”

  Naomi shook her head, the old pain surging up from where she thought she had buried it. “I miscarried at three months.”

  Jess was silent a moment, as if acknowledging the sorrow she had dealt with.

  Then he looked at her again. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Naomi wished she didn’t have to dredge up the memories of the day that sundered her life into Jess and After Jess, but they had to finish this.

  “It was hard for me. I always felt as if it was a miracle you were even remotely interested in me. You could have had any girl you wanted, yet you chose me.”

  Jess’s frown told her that he still didn’t truly understand how she saw herself.