by LK Shaw
Muriel and I sat and talked for hours catching up on everything. She told me she had a bunch of money from sales for me stashed in her safe and that when I wanted it to let her know and she’d make sure I got it. I waved her off and told her there was no rush. When I could see her exhaustion was getting worse, I called Roger in who was just about ready to finish his shift. He promised to take Muriel home as soon as his replacement arrived.
Within ten minutes, a man named Jones showed up and after I said my good-byes to Muriel, she and Roger left with a promise she’d call soon. I got up and headed to the kitchen, somehow knowing that’s where Donovan had retreated.
Donovan
The minute Phebe threw herself in Muriel’s arms, I left the room to give the two of them some privacy for their heartbreaking reunion. Even based on the little bit of information Phebe had shared about Muriel, I knew she was one of the most important people in Phebe’s life, if not the most important. Watching them together, I could feel the love between the two women. It was a stark reminder how much I missed a love like that. Not the love of a family member, but the love of a woman. To know that I was the center of her world and she of mine. I’d missed the intimacy of holding someone close at night, the kisses and touches, the way the whole world melted away when we were in each other’s arms.
I’d also missed the rush of dominating a sub, of giving her everything she didn’t even know she needed, and then providing aftercare once she hit subspace. But then my thoughts turned back to the trust I needed to not only receive from a sub, but to give, and I knew I wasn’t ready for that. My heart couldn’t handle another betrayal.
Once I’d left the room, I met Roger in the kitchen to discuss upping security now that Underwood was dead. We discussed strategies, and he said he’d bring it up with Connor when he checked in after his shift.
Knowing Phebe and Muriel would most likely be talking for a while, I figured I’d go ahead and start dinner. I grabbed some things out of the fridge and pantry and started mixing them all together in a bowl. Meatloaf and a mean omelette were pretty much the only things I knew how to cook. That and tuna casserole. Once I was done, I put the meatloaf in the oven and set the timer. I made a few phone calls while I waited. An hour later, the timer went off.
On cue, just as I pulled the pan from the oven, Phebe entered the room looking tired, but no less beautiful. Her eyes were red and puffy, but it didn’t matter. I still couldn’t keep my gaze from tracking her every move as she settled onto her regular chair at the island.
“Thank you doesn’t even seem adequate.” Her eyes were lit from the inside out. “I can’t begin to tell you what bringing Muriel here means to me. I— I have no words to express my gratitude.”
I felt ten feet tall with her words. Like I could conquer all her demons. In fact, I almost wanted to.
“It was my pleasure. I know how lonely you’ve been here with nothing to do except sit and wait to see what happens with this case. Your being here, away from your friends isn’t ideal. So, I wanted to do something special for you. To help take your mind off the bad shit for a while. I wanted to see you happy.”
I said the last softly. It was the truth though. Phebe deserved to be happy. She had gone through so much in her short life. I mean, she was only twenty-five years old and she’d lived through more shit than anyone I knew. It wasn’t fair what happened to her. Even if I wasn’t her Dom, I still wanted to care for her. Give her what she needed. It was a force gaining immeasurable strength inside me, and I wasn’t sure how to turn it off.
“I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
“I’m glad.”
A comfortable silence settled between us. I turned around to clean up the mess I’d made while putting together dinner. I’d just hung up the towel from drying the last dish when I heard Phebe’s chair scrape across the floor behind me. I pivoted back in her direction to see if she needed something. I watched as she rounded the island and came to stand next to me.
Her eyes hastily glanced up at me before she averted them again. Her expression was a combination of determination, nervousness, and fear.
“Phebe?” I questioned when she remained frozen and silent.
So softly, I was sure I misunderstood her, she spoke. “I want to kiss you.”
“Excuse me?” I coughed out, hearing her, but not really processing her request.
This time, her glancing eyes locked on my face as she repeated her entreaty. “I want to kiss you. But I’m scared of what will happen.”
My skin tightened and my body immediately demanded I do exactly as she asked, but my mind held me back. I controlled my breathing as I formed my response.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I gulped, hard.
“Please, Donovan.”
“Why? I feel like you’re doing this because of Muriel. And I don’t want that.” My eyes scanned her face looking for… something.
Finally, she turned away. Her stare focused through the kitchen window and out into the backyard as she wrapped her arms around herself.
“For weeks I’ve been suffering from the after effects of what was done to me in that place. Things done by horrible people. And it’s screwed with me. With my head. I try to forget, but I’ve found it nearly impossible. I need to forget though. If I don’t, I’ll go bat shit crazy. I can’t continue the way I have been. I need some good in my life. I know there are good people in this world, Donovan. Muriel is one of them. Today, you showed me that you are too. You’re one of the good guys. Good guys help people. And I need your help. I need you to help me forget. If even for a split second. It’s the only way I’ll survive.”
Fuck. This woman was killing me. Other than the day we’d met, and even after I’d corrected her several times, this was the first time she’d said my name. She either called me Mr. Jeffries or she didn’t use a name at all. But now, when I’d been fighting this inappropriate attraction to her for weeks, here she was practically offering herself to me on a silver platter, and she used my name. All I had to do was take her up on it.
How could she even ask me to do this? I knew, without a doubt, that if I did as she asked, this would change everything. Even then, I knew that wouldn’t stop me. I wanted to give her that moment, that second, of sanity. Fuck.
My terrible decision made, I slowly stepped closer to her, my body just barely brushing against her side. Her chest expanded with a sharp inhale, but otherwise, she didn’t move. I could only watch as my hand reached out to brush her hair back from her face and pushed it over her shoulder. Her dreadlocks were softer than I’d imagined. A slight shiver raced through her, and when I saw the goosebumps form on her arm, I realized she wasn’t wearing her typical long sleeves and sweatshirt.
As my gaze lingered, it struck me that Phebe was wearing less and less of her armor of clothing each day. In fact, I think it had been days since I’d last seen her wearing a sweatshirt in the house. She always put one on when she went outside, but more frequently she was going without it inside. Today, she was still wearing her standard sweatpants, but her shirt was a print t-shirt with some band name I’d never heard of.
I traced my hand along her jaw until I gently cupped it and with the barest pull, I turned her head toward me. Her body followed suit, now facing me, her eyes closed. I couldn’t help but trace an invisible line up her jaw, over her cheeks, tracking a path down her nose, and then gently across her lips, where I didn’t linger for fear of causing a terror induced reaction.
Phebe allowed my touches, but I could tell she was mentally bracing herself for each one. If this was going to happen, it had to happen on her time and on her terms.
Reluctantly, I dropped my hands and just stood there, staring at her, mentally begging her to open her eyes and see me.
It took several minutes, but finally they fluttered open and her attention slowly focused in on me. She inhaled a shuddering breath.
“You okay?” I breathed, not wanting to disturb the air between us.
“You’re in control here, Phebe. Anything that happens is your decision. If you’ve changed your mind, that’s fine too. This is your show. You run it however you’re comfortable with.” I treated her like a spooked horse. I spoke softly and slowly, infusing my tone with a gentle patience that encouraged trust.
We stood in silence, our breathing the only sound in the room as I waited to see what Phebe would do. The light in her eyes shifted and she stiffened in resolve. She took a short, hesitant step forward until we were toe to toe. Shakily, she reached up and placed her small hands lightly on my chest. I controlled my breathing, even though my heart was about ready to pound out of my chest. My hands fisted at my sides, but I kept them tightly clenched, the muscles in my arms straining from resisting to reach out and pull her to me. Phebe needed to do this. As much as I wanted to take control, I had to force myself to give this one thing to her.
I flinched when her hands moved across my chest. It wasn’t a move of seduction, it was one of learning. Her gaze had long dropped from mine, but now, her stare was focused on the middle of my chest as she watched her hands move. It was as though she was reacquainting herself with touching another person in a pleasurable way. Not a painful or torturous way. But in a way to invoke enjoyment. Comfort even. She plucked nervously at the buttons on my shirt.
I stifled a groan when she unconsciously licked her lips and her eyes darted upward to quickly catch my glance. Her chocolate eyes had deepened in color. Her face moved closer as she stood on her tiptoes until she stopped a hairsbreadth from my lips. Her eyes remained fixed on me. Then, soft as butterfly wings, Phebe touched her lips to mine. Hers were cool to the touch, and I could feel them trembling. She brushed them back and forth, not deepening the kiss, but feathering her lips across mine in a teasing way I knew she didn’t truly grasp. It was almost juvenile in its deliverance, but it rocked me to my core unlike any kiss that had come before it.
Before I could even fully enjoy it, Phebe pulled away, her hands now fisting the fabric of my shirt. And still, I remained immobile. I prayed she didn’t look down because even with its infancy, that kiss had me hard as stone.
Phebe peeked out from beneath hooded eyes and innocently asked, “Can I try that again?”
I had to clear my throat before responding. “Of course.”
This time, she moved with the tiniest bit more boldness. She was more confident as she leaned up on tiptoes again, and pressed her lips to mine. She repeated her brushing pattern from before, but on her last pass, the barest tip of her tongue flicked out against my skin. Without thought to consequences, my hands reached out to embrace her hips and I pulled her flush against me, my erection poking into her stomach. I countered her flick with one of my own as my mouth opened against hers. I gripped her hips a little tighter when she didn't protest, and I involuntarily deepened the kiss. That’s when I noticed I was now the only active participant.
I immediately released Phebe and took a quick step back. It was now her fists clenched tightly at her sides, but not because she was forcing herself not to reach for me. They were fisted in fear. In pain. Her eyes were closed and her breathing spastic as though she were moments away from having a panic attack.
“Phebe.” I called her name, staying close by, but refraining from touching her and making the situation worse. I knew this was a bad fucking idea. The most epically worst idea ever.
“C’mon, baby. Come back to me. Remember who you’re with. It’s Donovan. You’re safe here. No one is here to hurt you. C’mon Phebe, come back sweetheart. Please.”
She remained still, but her breathing seemed to have evened out a bit and her fists weren’t clenched as tightly. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, but I continued to keep them to myself. I didn’t want to fuck this up. I breathed a little easier when her eyelids fluttered.
“That’s it, baby, you’re safe. Everything is going to be okay. No one is going to hurt you anymore, Phebe.”
I repeated my words over in a litany, praying they got through to her. After what felt like an eternity, her eyes fluttered again before shooting wide open as she jumped back a few steps from me. I threw my hands up in surrender and took my own step back, giving her plenty of space.
Her back collided with the counter as she moved further away from me. She slid down to the floor and buried her face against her legs as she wrapped her arms around them. Her ragged sobs ripped out my heart. Muffled words sounded behind her knees, but I couldn’t make them out.
My arms ached from the need to comfort her. I remained where I was, but I needed to make sure she was okay. I tried one more time to get her attention on me.
“Phebe.” I whispered in a hushed voice.
She lifted her head and the remainder of my heart shattered at the torment I saw in her eyes. Needing to take care of her, I took several hesitant steps forward, keeping my hands up where she could see them. When I was within a few feet, I lowered myself to the floor to sit cross-legged in front of her. I was close enough that I could almost reach out and touch her, but I was far enough away to give her the space I knew she clearly needed.
“I’m so sorry,” she choked out the words, pain and sorrow coloring them.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. This was my fault. If you should blame anyone, blame me. You did nothing wrong.”
“God, I’m so stupid. I mean, it was only a kiss.”
I needed to take control of the situation before her self-flagellation became worse.
“You will not call yourself stupid, Phebe. Do you understand?” I commanded, my voice stern.
Her eyes widened at my tone and, dumbfounded, she could only nod.
“Good. Now, are you feeling well enough to get up?”
“Yes, I think so.”
I rose and held out my hand. She froze for a heartbeat before carefully placing her hand in mine. I pulled her to her feet and when I released her, she wiped both of her palms on her pant legs. We both stood there awkwardly for a moment before she broke the silence.
“I’m not saying right now. Hell, I’m not even saying tomorrow, but I want to try that again.”
My response was immediate. “No fucking way.”
She pleaded, her eyes beseeching. “I have to. Because the more I get used to it, the easier it will get.”
“Phebe,” I exclaimed, “do you have any idea what seeing you checked out like that did to me? You scared the shit out of me. You were in pain, and I was the one who caused it. I can’t do that to myself, or you. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
She opened her mouth to say something more, but I cut her off. “Stop. Just stop.”
Hating myself for it, but needing to get away from my volatile emotions, I strode out of the kitchen, ignoring the food sitting on the counter and the fact I was leaving Phebe alone and in pain. I was sickened by the damage I’d caused. Guilt ate at me as I kept walking out the front door and to my car. God, I was such a coward for leaving this way. The guilt refused to dissipate even as I drove off, my eyes watching the house in my rearview mirror become smaller and smaller before it disappeared completely.
Phebe
As I watched Donovan walk away from me, I was devastated. For one, because even though I’d escaped, he still had a stranglehold on my mind. And for another, because he had so vehemently shut me down with out hearing what I had to say. I mean, I knew I’d freaked out, but he hadn’t even wanted to discuss things. What did he expect was going to happen the first time? When I’d first touched my lips to his, it was difficult to keep myself relaxed even with my eyes open, seeing who I was touching. But, even though the kiss had been brief, I enjoyed it. It had been simple and uncomplicated.
It was when I’d felt his erection pressed against me that it brought back memories. Memories of them. Of him. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I hadn’t expected Donovan to give up on me already. I’d ended up cleaning the kitchen and eating a little of the meatloaf he
’d made, which had been surprisingly good. Afterwards, I’d watched some television, but I couldn’t focus on the show. I needed space to think, so I headed outside to take my evening walk around the backyard. I did all my best thinking out there. Once I’d come up with another plan of action to convince Donovan to help me, I took myself to bed feeling better.
That had been two days ago and I hadn’t seen Donovan since. I knew he was avoiding me and it hurt. I’d gotten ready that morning thinking about what I’d say to him the next time he came around. Now, I was waiting for Bridget to pick me up for my weekly visit with Dr. Parrish. I’d been resentful of being forced to see a shrink, but Madeline had proven to be compassionate and insightful. She was helping me to recognize things about myself I never realized. While I still wasn’t ecstatic about spilling my guts about my life, I did have to admit that I was getting a lot out of our talks.
Roger called out from the other room that Bridget had just pulled up drew me from my reverie. I grabbed my coat and headed to meet her at the front door.
“Wow, you’re ready. Usually I have to practically drag you kicking and screaming to the car,” Bridget exclaimed in her usual feisty attitude.
“Haha. You’re hilarious.”
She laughed at my indignation and once we were both settled in the car, she took off down the road.
“Something is different about you today.” Bridget pointed out.
I turned to look over at her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re giving off a weird vibe. Weirder than usual. I can’t put my finger on it though.”
Had the kiss with Donovan changed me in some way? I decided to ignore her “weirder than usual” comment and stayed quiet, watching the houses go by.