by LK Shaw
When I returned wearing my coat, Donovan didn't say anything about the kiss, but he shot me a huge smile as he handed me my camera and threaded my fingers through his before leading me out to the car.
Phebe
I’d never been a heavy sleeper. Even before the last few months. But now? It was so much worse. The tiniest noise would have me fully awake. So, when I heard voices down the hall, my eyes flew open and I was instantly on alert. I couldn’t make out what was being said, but so far I’d heard two, both men. When one of them raised a degree in volume, I recognized it as Donovan’s. The tension I didn’t realize I’d been feeling evaporated and I relaxed into the mattress. He must be talking to one of his friends about the case.
They’d been working long hours trying to find the Russian so I figured they must be getting an early start. There were a few times Connor reported that Josie, whom I still hadn’t felt ready to meet, thought she’d found him, only to run into a road block or a dead end. More and more I was realizing how difficult it must have been for her to find me and my anger and bitterness had slowly begun to melt away. I still wasn’t quite ready to see her yet, but the desire was growing stronger.
Wanting to join in on the conversation, I quickly washed up in the bathroom and threw on a change of clothes. I headed toward the living room, but stopped short when the other man snapped out a curse.
“Damn it, man, what are you doing here? You never come to Eden anymore, except that one night a few weeks ago. Even then you were gone within thirty minutes. And I know you didn’t spend any time in the back rooms with Gina. Look, I know you were going through some shit before, but this,” the man paused seeming to be unsure what to say next, “this isn’t you.”
A loud sigh was the response. One I knew came from Donovan. “Leave it alone, Connor.”
Connor ignored the clear warning in Donovan’s command. “I know exactly what it’s like to bury a part of yourself so deep, hoping it never again sees the light of day. That shit never works. It festers. It makes you bitter. It almost destroyed my relationship with Bridget, because I kept a part of myself from her. You’re one of my best friends, Donovan. Can’t you see you’re only going to end up miserable? That she’s going to end up miserable right along with you. The sad thing is, she’ll never understand why. She’ll only know it’s her fault.”
“Don’t tell me how either of us will feel. You don’t know anything about Phebe’s and my relationship.”
“Bullshit,” Connor spat. “Bridget has seen you guys together. I know exactly what’s going on between you. Or rather, what isn’t. You forget that I know you. I’ve known you and your proclivities for years, Donovan. You’re a Dom. This vanilla shit isn’t you. I have no idea if it’s your girl or not. But we all know, including you, that it isn’t you.”
My body remained still, not even a breath escaped me. Dom? Vanilla? What the hell was going on? Who was Gina?
“Phebe isn’t ready, may never be ready, for more than what we currently have. I can live with that. I care about her, Connor. She’s been hurt too much. I refuse to hurt her even more.”
“How would submission hurt her? In fact, it could help her. You’ve seen women who’ve been sexually assaulted take back their power through submission. How they’ve conquered the fear. But you won’t even consider it for Phebe. Instead, you’re going to play the martyr and live the rest of your life in a vanilla relationship. You’re going to give up your Dominant side. A side that isn’t just a part of your personality, but a part of your core. We both know being a Dominant isn’t what you are. It’s who you are.”
“It’s who I was. Now, I’ll be whoever Phebe needs me to be.”
“Then she doesn’t deserve you.”
A chair scraped across the floor causing me to jump.
“Fuck you, Connor. I don’t need this shit from you.”
Not wanting to get caught eavesdropping, I raced to the bedroom and climbed back into bed. I never wanted Donovan to know what I’d heard. Except I couldn’t let go of what I’d heard. I was confused by Connor’s comments about Donovan’s need to be a “Dom” and how he was denying a part of himself by not being true to who he was. The longer I laid there, though, the more my brain continued to replay the entire conversation. Holy hell. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew exactly what they were talking about. Connor, Bridget, and Donovan were all into BDSM.
I wasn’t completely ignorant about things. Some of the other women volunteers at the shelter had talked about that popular book series that was made into a movie. They giggled over their girls’ nights out when they went to see it. A couple of them had invited me one time, but Kieran hadn’t let me leave the house that night since he’d been having “company” over.
Once I understood what Donovan and Connor were referring to, things started falling into place. Tiny bits of Donovan’s personality had occasionally leaked out, but then he reined them in, tempered them. There were moments when I’d catch an expression on his face when he held me in his arms at night that had me feeling like he was grieving over something he’d lost. He also gave off the impression that I wasn’t getting one hundred percent of him, like a piece of him was missing. I thought about asking him a few times, but I bit my tongue, scared of the answer. The longer I avoided confronting him about it, the angrier at myself I became.
Donovan was everything to me.
My friend.
My anchor.
My salvation.
How could I let him keep a part of himself buried because I was afraid? What kind of person did that make me?
No one ever tells you that constantly being scared is fucking exhausting.
Fear drains every energy source you have.
Staying afraid didn’t make me strong – it continued to make me weak. When I first met Donovan, he’d told me how strong I was. It was time for me to live up to his expectations and be that strong woman he believed me to be.
“Phebe? You awake?”
Donovan’s voice jolted me back to reality as he quietly opened the door. I gave a little stretch as though I’d just woken up and then I lied.
“Barely. I didn’t mean to sleep so late.”
“Don’t worry about it. I want you to get as much sleep as you can. I know you haven’t slept much lately. You needed the rest. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
I stifled a fake yawn. “No, not at all. I’ve just been lying here dozing a little. Have you been up long?”
“A little while I made you some breakfast and coffee. The eggs are a little cold because I wasn’t sure when you’d wake up, but I can reheat them. May I come in for a moment?”
After my nod of assent, Donovan made his way to me and perched on the edge of the bed, his body angled toward me. He slowly reached for my hand and brought it to his lips for a kiss.
“You look beautiful this morning.”
I ducked my head in embarrassment. Donovan tilted my chin up until I met his beautiful blue eyes with my own plain brown ones.
“Every day I’m going to tell you how gorgeous you are until you believe me. Understand?”
I leaned into his palm as he moved to cup my cheek, his thumb lightly caressing my thumb.
“Yes, sir.”
He flinched at my words, but tried to hide it. His reaction brought back his conversation with Connor. Was he really burying that part of himself because of me? I desperately needed someone to talk to. And I knew exactly who that someone was.
“C’mon out to the kitchen when you’re ready, and I’ll get your breakfast heated up for you.”
Donovan withdrew from the bed, leaving me alone again. For the second time that morning, I got up and refreshed myself. After splashing water on my face, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A different woman stared back at me. Someone I wasn’t sure I recognized. She seemed somewhat happy. Definitely a woman who looked healthier than she had in a long time. Her eyes held a tiny spark that would no doubt continue to grow, her skin glowed, cheeks filled out
, and her dreads were neat and tidy.
My body had gained a few curves with all the food being shoved at me. I turned a little to each side and then around to look at my backside. Overall, I was satisfied with the way I now looked. I thought of Donovan and how he stared at me. He always gazed at me with a healthy dose of appreciation. It had made me uncomfortable at first, but I’d grown to enjoy his eyes on me.
Hearing Donovan call my name, I rushed out of the bathroom and out to the dining room, where Donovan waited. As we sat chatting about various things, I thought about what I’d say to Bridget.
Phebe
After breakfast, Donovan went into the office, leaving me in the house by myself. I grabbed the phone and dialed Bridget’s number.
“Hello?”
“Um, hi, Bridget, it’s me. Phebe.” My voice shook with indecision about what I was doing.
“Is everything okay?” she asked in concern.
“Yeah, everything is fine. I — I just wondered if you had time to talk.”
“Of course. What’s up?”
Did I really want to do this on the phone? Knowing it was now or never and I needed to do it before I lost my nerve, I blurted out my question.
“I need you to teach me how to be a submissive.”
I was pretty sure this was one of the only times Bridget had ever been shocked into silence. But I stayed quiet and waited even though it was killing me.
“Excuse me?”
“Don’t make me say it again.”
“Why would I need to teach you that?” She sounded almost ill.
“Because everyone but me knew Donovan is a Dominant and that he’s giving up a part of himself because of me.”
“Are you sure I’m the one you should be talking to?” Never had I heard Bridget this hesitant. She was always bold and upfront with me, even when I virtually ignored her when I’d first arrived at the house, when I’d been incredibly rude to her. This reluctance from her was weird.
“Honestly? I don’t want to be talking to anyone. But, you’re the only one I trust to do this. I know you’re not going to bullshit me. I need help. You’re the person I’m asking for it.”
Bridget began muttering in the background, but I caught a few words here and there. Words like “Connor”, “punishment”, and “I’m so dead”.
Before I realized it, she was speaking to me. “Fine, but this is not something I’m going to do over the phone. Is Donovan home? No, of course he’s not, otherwise you wouldn’t be calling me. How long is he going to be gone?”
I shrugged before remembering she couldn’t see me. “I’m not sure. He went into the office about fifteen minutes ago.”
She sighed heavily, clearly going against her better judgment. “I’ll be over in twenty minutes. You owe me. See you soon.”
And then she was gone. I hung up the phone and settled on the couch to wait. Except, I couldn’t sit still. I fidgeted and my stomach twisted in knots. My heart raced and I could hear it pounding in my ears. My mind ran wild with images of handcuffs, whips, blindfolds, and a variety of things that scared the shit out of me. Sweat dripped in my eye, and I hastily wiped my brow. I knew I was freaking out for no reason, but I couldn’t stop the images from playing in my head like one of those old black and white movies on a projector.
I closed my eyes and took deep, slow breaths like Madeline had told me to do when I felt an anxiety attack creeping in.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Slowly.
Finally, my heartbeat settled into a more natural rhythm. A knock on the door had me jumping. A quick glance at the clock showed that almost twenty minutes had already lapsed. Taking another cleansing breath, I waited for Jones to let her in. Moments later, her footsteps sounded down the hall.
As always, she was dressed in one of the retro dresses she favored, this one a gorgeous black and red number. Her long red locks were pulled up in a high pony tail minus her blunt bangs that framed her chocolate brown eyes. Her heels clicked as she stepped into the foyer, her perfume wafting through the air as she passed me.
“You know, when you first asked me to teach you, I was completely against this whole idea, but on the entire drive over here, I realized that this is a good thing. In fact, I’m looking forward to educating you on whatever it is you want to know. Do you know why?”
She turned to me at her question, the skirt of her dress twirling around her, and placed her hands on her hips. Shutting the door behind me, I made my way into the living room and took my previous spot on the couch, bending my leg underneath me.
“I don’t doubt you’re going to tell me regardless.”
“True. Here’s why. Submission is power, and I want you to have that power. I want you to be able to give a big fuck you to those son of a bitches who tried to break you. You need to do this. I’ll never truly understand what you went through, but I know that submission can help you regain control. It’s an amazing thing to submit to the man you love. Connor might be a Dominant, and a sadist, but because I trust him with my entire being, I’m really the one with the power in our relationship. Yes, I have a safe word, but my power lies in the trust I give him.”
“That makes no sense whatsoever.”
“Once you come to Eden and see what I’m telling you for yourself, you’ll understand.”
“Eden?” I asked, confused.
Bridget smiled, a devious glint in her eyes. “Yeah, Eden. It’s our local BDSM club. Connor is part-owner, as is your Donovan. You’ll come as my guest.”
Oh, shit.
“I’m not ready for that.”
“Well, of course you’re not. I’m not crazy. If I took you there right now you’d run away screaming. You need to learn the basics first. Which is why you called me, and why I’m here to teach them to you. So, let’s begin your education. We’ll start with a safe word.”
This was why I’d gone to Bridget, instead of Donovan. I knew Bridget wouldn’t pull any punches. Over the last couple of months, she and I had grown closer. It was weird to actually have a real friend. Not just someone who only called you “friend” when they needed something from you. But a true and genuine friend. I knew she’d be honest with me. As she continued to speak, I had no idea that at that moment my whole life was about to change.
During my reading of some of the articles Bridget had sent me, I found one written by a woman who’d been sexually assaulted at the tender age of ten. It happened again when she was seventeen. In her late twenties, she discovered BDSM. Through a gentle and caring Dom, she learned how to take back the power she’d lost. It wasn’t just a safe word, but the implicit trust in her Dom. By building that trust with him, she realized she held all the power, the control. It allowed her to completely give herself over to him in ways she hadn’t before. It allowed her to just feel. She didn’t need to think.
I wanted that. I wanted to take back my fears. I wanted to trust that Donovan would push me to my limits and not let me fall over the edge of that cliff. It wasn’t going to happen overnight. I knew that. But this first step was the one I had to take.
No longer would I allow my demons to control me.
Vlad would no longer control me.
Phebe
Two weeks later Donovan and I were still making small strides forward in our relationship. He spent the night more often than not, and each night the smothering feeling would lessen until I finally made it an entire night in his arms. I knew it wouldn’t always be like that, but as I woke this morning, I was filled with joy. I turned my head to look at Donovan and admired his sleeping figure. Quietly, I reached out to the nightstand for my camera.
My finger twitched as I pressed the shutter button and a soft click sounded. I stared at my subject and as gently as I could, moved a little so that the soft ray of light filtering through the window shone on him, illuminating his beautiful face with its brightness. Madeline had told me I needed to find my measure of happiness. Right now, this man was it. Donovan was my happiness.
>
I remember the exact moment I wanted to take his picture. It shone so brightly in my mind. It was the day he’d brought Muriel to see me. Since then, I couldn’t stop taking pictures of him. I took them when he fell asleep on the couch and when he was awake.
At first, he’d been shy about having a camera in his face, but when he realized how much it meant to me to take these photos, he was more than happy to be the star of them. Occasionally, he would pose and make funny faces, but the best pictures I took, in my opinion, were the candid ones. The ones where he didn’t realize I was snapping a shot. I was able to catch the real Donovan. The vulnerable Donovan. It made me love him all the more.
Each day I fell more in love with him. He was always so gentle with me. In fact, there were times he was too gentle, as though forcing himself to not hurt or scare me. I appreciated him trying to take care of me in that way, but I always felt like something was missing. As though he was holding something back. Now, I knew what it was.
I also knew we couldn’t go on as we were, but he seemed to be content with the current state of our relationship. We held hands, we kissed, and every night he held me in his arms, but that was it. Eventually, I was going to have to bring myself to take that step and progress our relationship. Something told me this status quo would continue forever if I didn’t.
As the shutter sounded again, Donovan stirred. His eyes cracked open and he smiled as he stretched, his Marine Corps tattoo dark against his golden hued skin. His sinewy form had my mouth watering.
“Good morning, Sunshine. There’s you and that camera again,” he said in mock seriousness.
I set the camera down next to me, and rested my hands on the top of my thighs. “Of course. You’re my favorite subject. One of these days I’m going to sell your likeness to some musty old woman who takes one look at you and falls head over heels in love. She’s going to blow up the picture and hang it in a gilded frame above her bed so she can stare in awe over your gloriousness every night before she falls asleep.”