by Alexa Land
Instead, I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jacket and shifted uncomfortably as I told him, “I’m sorry about this. You’re not paying for drama and I acted like an idiot. I’m going to go ahead and go before I make things worse. Like I said before, there’s no charge for tonight.” He didn’t say anything as I retrieved my keys and drove off. But when I glanced in my rearview mirror, I saw him standing right where I’d left him, staring after me, his shoulders slumped.
I knew I’d messed up, but I had to get out of there. It wasn’t just because of what had happened with my tattoo. It all felt really complicated, though there was no reason why it should. I was just his whore. I was nothing to him, and he was nothing to me.
“Bullshit,” I muttered and then I sighed as I rolled up to a stop sign. The first part of that might be true, but the last part was a total lie, one I couldn’t even sort of make myself believe.
But I didn’t want him to mean anything to me! I didn’t want to care about him and I didn’t want to look forward to our time together. I hated the fact that I’d been happy when he’d asked me to meet him that evening, and that it didn’t have a damn thing to do with getting paid. I knew better than to get attached to a trick. I knew better than to get attached to anybody.
I’d really lost sight of that over the last year or two. I’d let Zachary in because I felt like he needed me, and later I’d let Christian in because I was awestruck by him and his artwork and couldn’t believe someone like him actually wanted to be my friend. Christian had proven to be a package deal, bringing all sorts of other people into my life. They were nice to me but I didn’t fit in with them at all. I didn’t fit in anywhere.
I pulled to the side of the road and took a few deep breaths as I thought about what had just happened with my tattoo. Like I’d told him, Finn hadn’t done anything wrong. All he did was…well, pay attention. He’d noticed my bruised wrists at the wedding and my nervous habit of rubbing my tattoo. He’d seen me, when most people looked right past me. That wasn’t a bad thing. If it made me feel exposed, that was my problem.
After a few minutes, I realized the SUV hadn’t driven past me and started to wonder if Finn was alright. I shut off the engine and pocketed my keys, then walked back up to the parking lot. I’d barely driven two blocks before I’d pulled over.
My heart leapt when I saw him. He was standing on the retaining wall, arms outstretched to each side. My God, was he about to jump?
I yelled his name and took off at a sprint across the parking lot. At one point I tripped over a pothole and came down hard on my hands and knees, but I was right back up in an instant, running for him. Finn turned to look at me, then stepped off the wall into the parking lot.
He’d taken a couple steps toward me and when I reached him, I knocked him over in what basically turned into a flying tackle. He landed on his back with a surprised yelp, and I fell on top of him. I then sat up, straddling him, and grabbed the front of his jacket in my fists. “What the fuck were you thinking, Finn?”
“About what?” He looked genuinely bewildered.
“About fucking jumping off Twin Peaks! What a horrible way to kill yourself! You probably wouldn’t even die you know, you’d just mangle yourself real good on the trees and bushes and shit down below. Not that I’m advocating finding a better way to kill yourself! Just, God, what the fuck?”
When my rant was over, Finn chuckled and said as he pulled me into a hug, “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I was just enjoying the view and the breeze. I didn’t think I’d fucked up badly enough to warrant throwing myself off a cliff.”
“Oh. Well, good,” I said, putting my head on his chest.
He rubbed my back and said, “You were really worried.”
“Well, yeah.”
He kissed the top of my head and said, “Thank you for caring.”
“You’re welcome. I feel like a total idiot now, though.”
“Don’t. I love the fact that you tried to save me.”
“Of course I did. What do you think I’d do in that situation, sit back with some popcorn and watch you end it?”
He smiled at that, then asked, “Why’d you come back? Besides obviously to save me from not killing myself?”
“I’d pulled over a couple blocks down the hill and realized after a while that you’d stayed up here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
He sat up, taking me with him, and said, “I’m glad you came back.”
“I shouldn’t have left like that. All you did was notice me. That’s what bothered me about the thing with my tattoo.”
“Apparently you really hate that.”
“Yeah, I guess I do. Must be that same part of me that desperately wanted to be invisible when I was a kid. I had to draw a picture once when I was in third grade showing me as a superhero with one special power. All the other kids drew themselves super strong or flying. I turned in a blank piece of paper. The teacher wasn’t amused. I wasn’t trying to be a brat, I just didn’t know how else to draw myself as invisible.” I was rambling and I knew it. I really needed to quit it.
“I think that’s clever.”
“Thanks.” I rested my head on his shoulder and asked, “What would you have picked for your superpower?”
“Flight. I dreamed I was flying once when I was about ten. It was the best dream of my entire life. I always hoped I’d have that dream again, but it never happened.”
“What did you like about it?”
“I felt so free, and that made me incredibly happy.”
I thought about that for a while as I slowly stoked his short hair. Then I said, “Sorry, I just realized I asked you a bunch of questions.”
“I don’t mind questions like that.”
After another minute, I climbed off him and extended my hand to help him up. He took it in both of his and turned the palm to face him, then said, “Shit, Chance, you’re hurt.”
“It’s nothing.”
He got to his feet and turned both my hands palms up. They were a bit bloody and scraped from the spill I’d taken on the asphalt. “It’s not nothing. Come here.” Finn led me to the back of the SUV, opened it and had me sit on the bumper. After rinsing both my hands with a bottle of water, he opened a big first-aid kit and said as he pulled out a brown bottle of hydrogen peroxide, “This is going to hurt like hell, but I want to make sure the cuts don’t get infected.” I stuck my hands out for him and he said, “Sorry,” as he poured a bit of the disinfectant over the scrapes and I flinched slightly.
“It’s fine,” I said.
He then took out a roll of gauze and bandaged both my hands. I thought it was overkill, but I let him do it anyway. The way he knit his brows and concentrated on the task was cute. He was good at what he was doing, and when he finished, both my hands were lightly wrapped in an intricately woven pattern, my fingers and thumbs totally unimpeded. I thanked him and he kissed my forehead.
After he packed up the first-aid kit, he said softly, “Will you stay for a little while?” I nodded and followed him to the backseat of the SUV.
I curled up in his arms and he kissed me gently. Finn fell asleep a few minutes later and I sat up a bit and studied his handsome face. He looked so young and innocent when he was asleep, and a weird, misplaced urge to protect him flared in me. I sighed quietly.
I really was getting attached to him, and that wouldn’t end well for me. It was easy to see why it had happened. The lines were so blurred with him. He didn’t treat me like a prostitute, he treated me like I was something special. But come on! That was just because he was a nice guy. I needed to get a grip. I was nothing to him, just a warm body. It was so dumb to read anything into a kind word and a gentle touch.
Letting my emotions anywhere near the job was ridiculous, and I certainly knew better. This was a great gig, the best I’d ever had, and I was determined not to fuck it up. The job would run its course sooner rather than later anyway. No way could someone on a cop’s salary keep spending that kind of money.
For the next few days or maybe a week or two, I could keep it together. Then it’d all be over and I could return to life the way it had been before Finn Nolan came along.
I refused to let that thought depress me.
*****
I awoke the next morning to light kisses on my cheek. When I opened my eyes, Finn smiled at me and said, “Good morning. Sorry to wake you, but we need to get going.” I nodded and sat up, pushing my hair out of my face, then opened the car door and slid out a bit unsteadily. It was dawn and the sunrise colored the sky a vivid shade of pink. It was actually really pretty.
“Hop in and I’ll drive you to your car,” Finn said as he climbed out of the backseat and got behind the wheel. I slid in beside him as the big engine rumbled to life.
When we got to my little Honda, Finn leaned over and kissed my forehead. Then he smiled at me, his blue eyes crinkling at the corners, and said, “So, Thursday? Back at the Whitman, usual time?” I nodded again.
He waited until I was in my car with the engine running before he drove away. I watched the white Bronco disappear around a curve, then put on my seatbelt. A crinkling sound from the pocket of my hoodie caught my attention, and I reached inside and pulled out a small, white envelope. There was a note written on it in Finn’s tight, controlled handwriting. It said: Thank you for meeting me last night on short notice, and thank you for coming back after I fucked up. I bet you’re going to argue about the amount in this envelope, but please just accept it. I wouldn’t feel right about it being any less.
I looked inside the envelope and sighed at the ten hundred dollar bills. He was right, I wanted to argue. I didn’t even want to charge him for those few hours, especially after subjecting him to my drama. I sighed and slipped the envelope back into my pocket.
Instead of driving down the hill, I did a U-turn and went back up to the parking lot, then sat on the hood of my car and watched the sunrise. My right hand itched, and I turned it palm-up and scratched my scrapes through the meticulously wrapped bandage. Saturn caught my eye, and I ran my thumb over it before looking back at the panoramic view of the city.
It was pretty, I couldn’t deny that. I’d believed it was Utopia once. I came here for the San Francisco in the postcards and for the promise of a place where people didn’t judge you for being gay. God was I naïve.
But then, I’d been fourteen years old at the time. What did I know at that age? The reality of life in the city had been a harsh wake-up call, but it had toughened me, made me stronger. I’d survived, and was still surviving. Almost twelve years later, I had a roof over my head, enough to eat, and a warm bed to sleep in. All of that was a victory, considering where I’d started.
I slid off the hood of my car and flipped off the beautiful, seductive lie before me, and then I got in my car and went back to reality.
Chapter Nine
August
“I’m worried about you,” Jessie said, easing out of the Civic’s engine compartment and turning to look at me as he wiped his hands on a rag.
“Don’t be. There’s no way that car’s going to break down on me, not after all you’ve done to it.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. No way is Sharona breaking down, I guarantee it. But you’re going to be on the road all by yourself. I wish I could come with you.” He’d decided at one point that my car looked like a Sharona, so that was what he insisted on calling it.
“I know, but you’re going to be in Italy, having the most amazing time,” I said, “and there’s no reason to be concerned. It’s only a couple days’ drive to Wyoming, no big deal.”
“Chance is going to be fine,” Nico said, coming into the garage with a pitcher of iced tea and three glasses. “He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself.”
“Nico’s right,” I said as he filled a glass and handed it to me. He gave Jessie a drink too, then sat beside me on one of the patio chairs we’d set up in the garage. I’d spent a lot of time out there over the last few weeks as Jessie did things to the old Honda that made it run like a sports car, and once Nico’s summer program ended, he’d started hanging out with us. I could tell he’d been making an effort to relax, but apparently it didn’t come naturally to him.
After a few minutes, the door burst open and Nana’s huge, rambunctious puppy launched himself out of the house, heading straight for Jessie. Apparently the dog was gay, and had quite a crush on my friend. “Oh shit,” Jessie exclaimed, bobbing and weaving to stop the dog from humping him. “No, Tommy! We’ve been over this! I only like you as a friend!”
Nana rushed into the garage with Mr. Mario right on her heels. Her hair was set on rollers, and she wore a purple t-shirt that said: Boys Will Do Boys. “Tom Selleck got away from us,” she said. “He’s going to miss you, Jessie, I think he wanted to say goodbye.”
Nico said, “I don’t think that was quite the message the dog was going for,” as Mr. Mario grabbed the dog’s collar and took him back into the house.
Nana turned to us and said, “Are you boys packed? Nico and Jessie, are you sure you have your passports? And what about condoms? Oh wait, never mind. I forgot I bought a great big box of them at Costco. They’re in my luggage already.” Nico looked mortified and Jessie laughed and blushed at that, but Nana waved her hand and said, “Don’t be embarrassed. I’m not some old prude, I know how it is. Cute young things like you on vacation in Italy, you’re gonna want to have some fun. But no boom boom without a pecker protector!” With that, she spun around and headed back into the house.
“I wonder if anyone else’s grandmother actually tries to get them laid,” Nico said before taking a drink. Then he added, “I also wonder why I didn’t spike this iced tea.”
“She’s just looking out for us. It’s sweet,” Jessie said. Then he let out a delighted little laugh and added, “I can’t believe I’m going to be in Italy in just a few short days! But before that, can you even freaking believe where we’re going to be tomorrow night?”
“It hasn’t even sort of sunk in,” I told him. Gianni had invited a big group of friends and family to southern California to watch his boyfriend Zan’s return to the stage after years of retirement. He was headlining a concert for charity at the L.A. Coliseum and he’d given all of us tickets and backstage passes.
I’d been absolutely floored when he’d invited me along. I really didn’t understand why he would, unless he thought he still owed me a thank you for those weeks last spring when I acted as their personal assistant. That was kind of nuts though, since they’d already totally overpaid me for that.
I was excited about the concert, but a little apprehensive, too. It was all so far out of my comfort zone that I’d actually wanted to make excuses and not go. But I just couldn’t let myself chicken out. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I wasn’t going to let shyness get in the way of that.
We were caravanning down the next morning in Nana’s limo and a couple other cars. The day after the concert, Nana, Jessie and Nico were flying out of LAX for their month-long vacation. I’d be driving back to San Francisco with Gianni’s brother Vincent and his husband Trevor, which was a little awkward since I didn’t know them all that well. They were both quiet like me though, so hopefully the drive wouldn’t be strained with awkward attempts at small-talk.
I planned to head out on my road trip the day after getting back to San Francisco. I’d put it off so I wouldn’t miss the concert and was eager to get started. Well, really, I was eager to get it over with. But the sooner I started, the sooner I could be done with it.
Jessie let the hood fall shut on the Honda and announced, “Sharona is a thing of beauty, under the hood at least. I still think we should’ve given her a righteous paint job with sparkles and some flash, though.”
“Sparkles and flash don’t play well in Wyoming,” I pointed out. “Dirt and bugs are more like it. I’m sure I’ll be picking up plenty of both on the drive, so I’ll be set by the time I roll into my home state.”
“When was th
e last time you were there?” Nico asked.
“I haven’t been back since I left at fourteen. I saw my mom and kid brother when they went to Reno for a wedding about five years ago, but that visit only lasted forty minutes. At that point, my mom and I had a huge fight and I got back on the bus and returned to San Francisco. We’ve always had a difficult relationship.”
Jessie said, “This doesn’t exactly sound like it’s going to be a fun vacation.”
“Nope. Trying to track down the guy who knocked up my mom twenty-six years ago also won’t be a lot of laughs,” I said. “It’ll suck if I can’t find him, but it’ll probably also suck if I do, since I doubt he’ll want anything to do with me. Failure or rejection, I can’t decide which is worse.”
“Okay, forget Italy,” Nico said. “I’m coming with you to Wyoming. Nana doesn’t really need me along, she has Jessie. No freaking way should you be facing that alone.”
“That’s sweet, but I actually want to do this by myself. The only thing worse than awkward family interactions are awkward family interactions with an audience. Plus, whatever the upshot of this ends up being, I’m going to want time by myself to process it.”
“This is probably a stupid question,” Jessie said, leaning against the car, “but do your family members know what you do for a living?”
“Hell no. My mother thinks I’ve been climbing the ladder at Taco Bell the last few years. I think the last thing I told her was that I was up to Assistant Manager.”
I’d been reluctant to tell my new friends I was a prostitute, but had finally been honest with them a few weeks earlier. Between the cookbook photos and the work Jessie had been doing on my car, I’d spent a fair amount of time at Nana’s house that summer. The more I got to know Jessie and Nico, the shittier I felt about lying to them. I still hadn’t told Nana and really didn’t intend to, but these two took the news more or less in stride. Jessie wanted to ask a million questions, but after I’d explained that I really didn’t feel comfortable discussing it, he’d just moved on and that was that.