by Alexa Land
“But you been sendin’ a thousand bucks a month without fail for more than ten years. That’s so much money.”
“I know.”
Colt looked down as he said. “I feel guilty ‘bout taking your money, but at the same time, I’m so damn terrified about you cuttin’ me off. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when the checks stop.”
“They’re not going to stop. You have my word.”
He smoothed out the frayed cuff of his shorts, still not looking at me as he said, “You don’t even know me, but you’re sendin’ me half your income.”
“It’s not half. And you’re my brother, Colt. I’ll always take care of you.”
He was quiet for a little while, and then he said softly, “You’re a nice person. I wish you’d been around when I was growin’ up.”
My heart broke as I whispered, “So do I.”
He looked up at me, his big blue eyes searching my face in the fading light. “Why’d you run away?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Did somebody hurt you?”
“Let’s not talk about this.”
“That’s what happened though, isn’t it? I just remember bits and pieces from back then. There was something about a man. He did something to you. But Mama, she didn’t believe you. Is that right?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” That came out a lot sharper than I’d intended. When Colt flinched a little I said, “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be an asshole. I just really can’t talk about this.”
“I’m sorry, too. I’m doin’ the same thing I asked you not to do with all the questions. Mama always used to tell me, ‘curiosity killed the cat.’ I hate that expression. But I guess I’ve always had a bad habit of bein’ way too nosy about stuff.”
“Being curious isn’t a bad thing,” I said as I got up from the bench. “Come on, let’s head back while there’s still a little light. I don’t feel like tripping over a coyote on the way back.”
My brother grinned a little as he got up and fell into step with me. “I know you’re kidding, but there is a coyote that comes around here. He’s always by himself. I named him Colt, Junior. Sometimes I leave out scraps for him, like if I been to town and got KFC and have some chicken bones. I really want to get him to eat out of my hand, but he won’t come close. Elijah says I’m nuts for trying.”
“Elijah may have a point.”
“Colt, Junior would never do it anyway,” he said, “but it’s still nice to have him around. I used to get real lonely out here before I met Elijah. That coyote was my only friend for a while.”
“I remember how lonely it gets out here,” I said quietly. “Do you think Mom would ever sell this place and get the hell out of Simone?”
“She tried. She had the house and the land on the market for six years after you left, but she got zero offers on it. Finally, she gave up.”
“I never understood why she didn’t just walk away from it.”
“I dunno. I mean, partly it’s ‘cause this place is ours free and clear, anyplace else we’d have to pay rent. But aside from that, I think stubbornness kept her here. This house has been in our family a long time. I think walkin’ away from it woulda felt like just one more failure, you know?”
“I guess.” We were getting close to the house, and I stopped walking and turned to my brother. “I want to ask you something before we go inside. Don’t take this the wrong way, okay? I only bring this up because I care about you.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re about to say something super embarrassing?”
I grinned a little. “Probably because I am. Are you and Elijah practicing safe sex?”
“Oh my God,” Colt exclaimed. “I can’t believe you just asked me that!” Even in the dim light, I could tell he was blushing ferociously.
“I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”
“Okay, this is like, seriously none of your business, but I’m gonna tell you anyway just so you never, ever ask me again.” Colt took a deep breath and blurted, “Elijah and I don’t have sex. I mean, we mess around and stuff, but we’ve never…you know. He had some bad stuff done to him before he met me, so that’s not somethin’ he’s comfortable with. And I love him so much that I don’t care if we ever do it. All I need is for him to feel safe and be happy. Nothin’ else matters.”
“I see,” I said gently.
He looked at the ground and said, “Normally, I wouldn’t tell anyone that things happened to Elijah. But…I think maybe those same things happened to you, too. You probably feel like I’m still a kid and need to be protected from the truth, but I’m not. I grew up a long time ago. I think I’ve been able to help Elijah by being a good listener, and maybe I could help you too, if you felt like you wanted to talk to someone.”
“I just…I can’t,” I whispered, my throat suddenly dry.
He looked disappointed, but said, “I get it. I’m a stranger to you, too, just like you’re a stranger to me. I don’t blame you for holdin’ back.”
Colt turned and went into the house, the screen door squeaking as it swung shut behind him. An overwhelming sense of loss settled on me as I stood out in the hot, still, August night, looking up at the dirty windows. I’d missed so much. My brother had grown up in the blink of an eye.
I felt compelled all of a sudden to do more for him than just those monthly checks. I didn’t know what my mom had been doing, but it was clear that Colt needed a hand. I dragged an empty fifty-five gallon metal barrel away from the house, then went inside and started opening drawers. On my fourth try, I found a box of wooden matches and stuck them in the pocket of my t-shirt. I then propped the screen door open, carried a big armload of fast food wrappers outside, and set them ablaze in the barrel.
I’d made three trips back and forth with armloads of trash when my brother stuck his head in the kitchen and asked, “Why are you doing that?”
“Because it needs to be done.”
“You must be tired, though. You drove all day.”
“I’m fine.” He watched me for a moment, then went into the living room and came back with a big armload of wrappers.
Elijah emerged from the bedroom after a while and joined in wordlessly. It didn’t take long to burn all the garbage. After that, I went to work cleaning the kitchen. “This really isn’t your responsibility,” Colt said.
“Doesn’t matter. Just needs to get done.”
“I’m sorry I let it get so bad. This heatwave has been draining the life out of me. Not that that’s an excuse. I been lazy, too,” he said.
“It’s alright. Easy enough to make it better,” I said as I pushed my sweaty bangs off my forehead and started scrubbing the sink. The boys took some cleaning supplies with them and went to work in the downstairs bathroom.
We all ran out of energy maybe an hour later, but by then we’d made real progress. “I’m going to grab my stuff from the car,” I said. “Do you care which room I sleep in?”
“Yours is pretty much how you left it,” Colt said. “Mama brought your desk downstairs for me a few years ago when I needed a place to do my homework, and she gave me your clothes as hand-me-downs, but other than that everything’s the same.”
He wasn’t kidding. It felt so strange to be back in my childhood bedroom. The room was tiny and furnished with just a twin bed and a light blue dresser decorated with stickers. Some of my drawings and a few old posters were still stuck to the walls. It was also hot as hell, and got no better when I pried open the window. I went across the hall and opened the window in the bathroom, too, on the off chance that a breeze might come up out of nowhere, and left my door open.
After flopping down on top of the faded quilt, I pulled my backpack over to me. My phone had run out of charge and I wanted to plug it in before I passed out. As soon as I got it plugged in, the screen lit up, and a moment later the message icon appeared. I was surprised to hear Finn’s voice when I played my voicemail. He’d been calling me several times a day, bu
t he’d hang up when I didn’t answer. This was the first time he’d left a message.
“Hey,” he said. “I know you’re on your trip, but I really need to talk to you. I hate the way we left things. There was a lot I needed to say, and I just…didn’t. I’m no good at talking, you know that. But…shit, Chance. I shouldn’t have let you walk away like that, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have let you give that money back. I really wanted you to have it. That’s not because I was trying to save you or whatever…. Okay, maybe that is why, but so what? I wanted that money to make a difference in your life. I wanted it to help. I’m sorry that I’m rambling right now. I have to confess, I’ve been drinking, so I don’t really know what I’m saying right now, and I don’t know if it makes any sense, but…call me, Chance. Please? So, okay. Bye for now.” I sighed quietly as I turned my phone off again.
*****
It had been tough to sleep in the heat, and I awoke feeling stiff and groggy. At least the morning was considerably cooler and a breeze was stirring the light blue curtains. That was a relief. The heatwave had actually been pretty unusual, I didn’t remember it getting that bad when I lived in Wyoming. I rolled out of bed and showered and changed in the bathroom across the hall (which was a lot cleaner than the other one), then slung my backpack over my shoulder and headed downstairs.
Colt and Elijah were sitting at the kitchen table, holding hands. Their heads were close together and they were deep in a whispered conversation. Elijah seemed to be worried about something, and my brother was reassuring him. He reached up and gently brushed Elijah’s hair back. I was touched by the tenderness that seemed to come naturally to Colt.
As soon as they saw me, they broke apart guiltily. I really didn’t understand that, since they knew I was fine with it. “I need to get going,” I said. “Colt, will you walk me out?” He nodded and got up from the table as I said, “It was good to meet you, Elijah.”
“You too,” the blond murmured, avoiding eye contact.
When we got to my Honda, Colt said, “You didn’t stay long.”
“I know. I don’t want to intrude on your time with your boyfriend. Mom will probably be home soon, right? So, I doubt you two want me hanging around.” Colt looked at me with sadness in his eyes before looking away. I asked him, “Do you need me to take you into town for some groceries before I take off?”
“No, I can drive.”
“Do you have a license?” He looked up again and frowned at me, and I let it drop. I pulled a folded bundle of bills from the pocket of my t-shirt and said, “Here, take this. I can tell money’s tight by what you’ve been eating. Maybe get yourself some fruit, some milk, you know. Stuff like that. Both you and Elijah look half-starved. He’s living here while Mom’s on her trip, isn’t he?” Colt fidgeted, wrapping his thin arms around himself, and I added, “It’s totally fine with me if he is.”
He didn’t answer my question. Instead, he took the money hesitantly before crossing his arms over his stomach again. “Thank you,” he said quietly.
“You’re welcome. You have my number, right? In case you need anything?”
“Yeah, it’s in Mama’s address book.”
“I noticed the phone had been disconnected when I tried to call yesterday and let you know I was close.”
“It was just another monthly expense,” he said. “We didn’t really need it. If I need to call you I can go to the gas station up on the highway.”
“That’s almost twenty miles away.”
“I know.”
“Will you please do something for me, Colt?”
He looked at me and asked, “What?”
“Write me a letter now and then. Let me know how you’re doing. You have my address in San Francisco, don’t you?” He nodded and I said, “I’d love to hear from you.”
“Alright. I can do that,” he said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
“Great. So, I’m going to go. Please take care of yourself and Elijah.”
“I’m really trying,” he said.
I wanted to hug him goodbye, but thought it would make him uncomfortable so I didn’t do it. Instead, I got in the car, pushing down the emotions that wanted to overwhelm me, and started the engine. I then straightened the little brown bear that was seatbelted to the passenger seat and said softly to the stuffed animal, “On the road again, Bobo. Step one is that horrible dirt road, prepare yourself.”
I felt lost as I put the car in gear and drove away. When I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw Colt and Elijah on the porch, watching me go. Elijah clung to my brother, who was stroking the smaller boy’s hair. Those two had a secret, no doubt about it. I didn’t have a clue what it was, and wondered if I’d ever know.
I thought about Colt as I slowly made my way back down that rutted road. So much had been taken from me as a child, but I hadn’t realized what the greatest loss of all had been until then. I’d missed out on my brother and all those years we would have had growing up together. He’d become a loving, remarkable person, one who didn’t know me at all. I was just some guy who sent a monthly check. A stranger.
I swallowed hard, pushed the pain down and concentrated on the road ahead.
Chapter Twelve
I hadn’t thought it was possible, but I’d managed to land in a town worse than Simone. The inappropriately named Gala, Wyoming was little more than a cluster of businesses along a not particularly busy highway. The biggest city nearby was Gillette, which had maybe thirty-five-hundred residents. It seemed like a boomtown compared to Gala.
My mother had passed through on an ill-conceived (ha!) road trip the summer after her twenty-first birthday. She and a girlfriend went to visit friends in southeastern Montana, and ended up spending the night in Gala on their way back. The friend had been tired and stayed in the motel while my mother went out for a drink. At a bar named Washington’s, she’d hooked up with a guy whose name she remembered as ‘Tony something Greek’. Forty weeks later I was born, a lifelong souvenir of her trip to Gala.
I’d asked my mother once why she never went back to look for Tony, and she’d said, “Why bother? He was nothing to me, just a horny guy in a bar. Plus, he was obviously dirt poor, not like he could have supported us.” That was the sum total of what I knew about the man who made up half my DNA.
It was more than a little surreal to stand in front of Washington’s twenty-six years later and know that this was where I began. I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, but it turned out to be a totally unremarkable, squat, brown-shingled, windowless building in the parking lot of an abandoned Chinese restaurant. It probably hadn’t looked any better two and a half decades ago.
I stood out on the cracked asphalt for a long time, psyching myself up and sweating a bit in the early afternoon sun. I’d tried calling the bar about a year ago and asking about Tony, but the person who answered had promptly hung up on me. If that was any indication, this probably wasn’t going to go well.
There was no reason to be nervous, though. Nothing would come of this. Just because the bar was still there didn’t mean anyone would remember a patron from a quarter-century ago. But what if they did? Washington’s seemed like a place that would be frequented by locals and was several blocks from the highway, so it probably didn’t draw a lot of people that were passing through.
If I actually managed to track Tony down, then what? What would we even talk about? I thought maybe I could ask him about my Greek heritage, but that was all I could really think of. I’d adopted a few Greek customs over the years, just as a way of, well, being a part of something, maybe. My mother had given me her last name and described herself as a mutt, so I’d gotten no traditions from her side of the family.
Other than that, I really didn’t know what I’d say to this man, but maybe what we’d talk about wasn’t all that important. What I really wanted was just to see what he looked like, find out what kind of man he was, maybe spend a little time with him. I had these stupid fantasies about him giving me a hug, inviting m
e to his house, chatting over dinner about anything at all. Just…having a dad.
“You’re totally stalling, Chance.” I said that out loud, but quietly. I really was, too. I took a deep breath and crossed the parking lot, then pulled open the heavy door.
It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the relatively dim interior. The place smelled like paint, and I saw why as soon as I stepped from the little entryway into the main part of the building. A man in his early forties was touching up the red backsplash behind the bar with a plastic cup of paint and a small brush. His shoulder-length black hair was shot through with grey, as was his short beard, and he wore a Ramones t-shirt, making him look a bit like an aging rock star. “You open?” I called.
“Yup. Just taking advantage of the lull before the after-dinner crowd filters in.” I’d be willing to bet that ‘crowd’ was pretty ambitiously stated. “What can I get you?”
I ordered a beer and looked around me as I sat at the bar. The place was nicer inside than I’d expected, neat and clean with a new-looking tile floor and comfortable seating. The bar itself was dark wood, polished to a high shine. “Is this your place?” I asked the bartender. When he nodded, I said, “It’s nice. Shows real pride of ownership.”
“Thanks. I’m going to get around to fixing up the outside. I bought it eighteen months ago, and so far all my effort’s gone in here.” I took a long drink from my beer, trying to figure out how to ask the question I’d come here for, and he asked, “Where you from?”
“California, but I grew up in Wyoming. I came back to visit family.”
“Did you grow up in Gillette?”
“No, down south. A place called Simone.”
“Never heard of it.”
“You wouldn’t, not unless you’re from there. And if you were, I’d offer you my condolences.”
He smiled at that, his dark eyes crinkling at the corners. “That good, huh?”
“Oh yeah. It’s awesome.”
“So what brings you to Gala?”