by Alexa Land
The teens stood there uncomfortably, and Jamie got to his feet and flashed them a friendly smile as he said, “Come sit down. Do you guys like pancakes? I’ve got the batter all ready to go.”
“I love pancakes,” Colt said as he and his boyfriend sat at the table. Elijah slid his chair over so it was right beside Colt’s and took in his surroundings from beneath his lashes.
“I was just talking about getting you two registered for school,” I said. “I was saying that to do that, I think I’d have to be your legal guardian. We’d need to do that for a lot of other reasons, too. We’re going to talk to a lawyer, but first I wanted to talk to both of you. Colt, since I’m your brother this is pretty much a given. But Elijah, I want to know how you’d feel about this.”
He fidgeted under the attention, pushing his shoulder-length golden blond hair behind his ear. After a moment, Elijah said, so softly it was hard to hear him, “I guess that’d be alright. I don’t reckon my folks would fight you on it. They probably figured good riddance once I took off.”
Jamie took a pen and a pad of paper from a drawer and put it where Elijah could reach it. “The lawyer’s going to want some information to start with, so could you write down your full name and your parents’ names and address?”
The boy did as he was asked before handing the pad to me. He’d written Elijah Ezekiel Everett, above his parents’ names and an address in a town in Mississippi that I’d never heard of. When I asked him where it was, he said, “It’s just a fly speck on the map in northern Mississippi, ‘bout fifty miles outside Holly Springs. Reminded me of Simone in some ways.”
“How’d you get to Wyoming, anyway?” I asked as I tore off the piece of paper and put it in my wallet.
“I was tryin’ to head west. I was hitchhikin’ and a trucker picked me up, said he was going to California. Turned out that was bullshit, though. Pardon my language. He was actually headed to Idaho. He started getting’ some ideas ‘bout how I was gonna repay him for the ride, so when he stopped for gas outside Simone, I bolted.”
“I met Eli at the gas station convenience store,” Colt said. “The one I always went to for the Ramen bowls.” The boys exchanged shy smiles and Elijah wrapped his arms around Colt and put his head on his shoulder.
Finn returned a few minutes later and joined us for breakfast. He’d unloaded the SUV and the Civic, stashing our things in a storage room at the back of the building, and then returned the SUV to the rental company. He sat at the table and smiled at me, but a little crease of concern appeared between his eyebrows when he looked at me.
Later on, when the boys were stuffed full of a staggering number of pancakes and taking turns in the shower, and our hosts were in the nursery getting Lily cleaned up, I said quietly, “They probably do a background check when someone applies to be the legal guardian of a minor, right?”
“I assume so,” Finn said. “Why do you ask?”
I looked at my hands, which were splayed out on my thighs, and admitted, “I have a criminal record. I was arrested twice for prostitution, once at eighteen and again at twenty-two. Also, I have no employment history, since I’ve only ever worked as a prostitute. Who in their right mind would give me custody of a couple teenagers?”
“We’ll discuss it with the lawyer, he’ll know what to do. If your past ends up being a sticking point, I can apply for guardianship,” Finn said gently, taking my hand.
I glanced up at him. “You’d do that?”
“Of course. I care about those kids. We’ll do whatever it takes to keep them out of the system.” I was so overcome with emotion that all I could do was hug him.
*****
Later that morning, Jamie and Dmitri took Lily and the boys downstairs to the restaurant, Finn went to beg for his job back, and I went to my apartment for my camera and some of my things. I climbed the stairs and knocked on Zachary’s door, and he flung it open and launched himself into my arms. “You’re back! Thank God! Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay!” The words tumbled out of him.
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“Better now. I missed you so much.”
I kissed the top of his head and said, “I missed you, too. I have so much to tell you, I don’t even know where to begin.”
We went into my apartment, and I told him everything as we sat cross-legged on my bed, from the stolen car, to possibly meeting my dad, to finding out my mom had died, to taking in my brother and his boyfriend. Finally, I told him about Finn, and then I said, “I want this so much, Zachary, but I’m worried, too. I’ve never had a relationship before. I never even dated! But he’s amazing, so kind and gentle and caring, and even though I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I’m determined to figure out how to make this work. He means so much to me, and I must matter to him, too. Why else would he drop everything and rush to Wyoming?” Zachary just stared at the cuff of his indigo jeans. After a moment I said, “Say something.”
“I’m going to miss you,” he said softly.
“What do you mean? I just got back.”
“But you’re about to start this whole new life. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. You went off to find your family, you wanted to meet your dad and patch things up with your mom. But instead, you came home with a whole new family, you and your boyfriend and those two kids. That’s kind of amazing, Chance, and I’m happy for you. I get it, though. You’re starting this whole new life, and there’s no room for me in any of that.”
“Who says?”
Zachary looked up at me. “You’re turning over a new leaf. I’m not. I’m still a prostitute, and that’s not going to change any time soon. You’re not going to want someone like me hanging around, being a third wheel with you and your man or being a bad role model around those teenagers. And that’s fine. I totally get it.”
“Zachary, you’re my best friend. No matter how much changes in my life, that never will.”
He got up from the mattress and said, “I’m sorry to make this about me. I really am happy for you. This is everything I could have wanted for you and then some.”
He turned and started to leave the apartment, and I jumped up and grabbed his hand. “Come on, Zachary. Don’t go. None of this has to come between us. Instead of walking away, join in! Come with me to the park and meet Finn and my brother and Elijah. Be a part of our family.”
“But I’m not a part of any of that, Chance. And you’re already worried about getting custody of those kids as an ex-hooker. You think a social worker is going to like the fact that you have a prostitute hanging around those kids?”
“It’s none of their damn business who I’m friends with!”
“Good sentiment, but let’s face it, I’ll just be one more strike against you.”
He turned and tried to go again, but I held on tight. “I’m not just going to let you walk away, Zachary. You mean way too much to me. I’m not bullshitting when I say you’re my best friend.”
“I’m not like you, Chance. You’ve always been better than that job. I’m not. You have friends, and a boyfriend, and people that care about you, and you’re so fucking talented that it just blows me away.” He waved his free hand toward my wall of photos as he said that. “The only thing stopping you from working as a photographer is the fact that you don’t believe in yourself. There’s so much more to you, Chance. You’re right on the verge of a really great life, it’s finally starting to happen. Don’t let someone like me hold you back.”
“You’re not holding me back, Zachary. I love you and I want you to be a part it.”
He startled me when he pulled his hand away and yelled, “Damn it Chance, don’t you fucking get it? I can’t! I need to step the hell away from you!”
“Why?”
“Because I’m in love with you, and you love me as a friend, nothing more! You’ve always made that clear. I fucking get it. And I’m sorry, but I really can’t stand by and watch the guy I love swooning over someone else. That’d fucking kill me, Chance!”
“But…you never said anything. All that time. You never said a word,” I stammered.
“Of course not, because I always knew it wasn’t mutual.”
“You should have said something.”
“If I had, would you have returned my feelings? Is there any part of you that ever thought of me as anything more than a friend?”
I whispered, “No,” as tears prickled at the back of my eyes. “I’m sorry, Zachary.”
“Don’t apologize. There’s no reason to. This is my problem, not yours. I fucked up, I fell for someone who’d never feel the same way. I really hope you have a wonderful life, Chance. I always wanted that for you.”
He turned and fled the apartment. I could hear his footsteps on the stairs. A moment later the security gate clanged behind him, and a moment after that, my front door finished swinging shut. I sank onto the edge of the mattress and took a deep breath, then whispered, “Oh God.”
I’d been so stupid. I’d had no idea. I always thought Zachary and I were firmly on the same page, best friends, nothing more. I felt like such an asshole when I thought about how I’d been going on and on about Finn and what a great guy he was. That must have felt like salt in a wound.
I sat there for a long time, replaying the conversation over and over. There was no way I was going to let that be the end of our friendship, no chance in hell. He was going to need some time though, which was why I hadn’t run after him.
Eventually, I got up and retrieved my old camera from the closet. Before Christian gave me my pride and joy, it had done the job decently enough, even if it was kind of beat-up and held together with duct tape. I slung the camera case over my shoulder, then started to leave the apartment. At the front door, I paused and looked back at the little space that had been my home and refuge. It already felt like part of the past.
Chapter Eighteen
September
I pushed my bangs off my forehead with the back of my hand and looked around the restaurant. The lunch rush at Nolan’s was over, thank God, and the dining room was almost empty. The fact that it was so busy was a good thing, because it meant I made a lot in tips, but I was always exhausted at the end of each shift.
I forgot all about how tired I was when the front door swung open and Finn came in. He was dressed in his police uniform and looked so handsome. “Hey,” he said, crossing the dining room to me with a big smile. He kissed my cheek and said, “Is the kiddo ready to go?”
A voice in the corner called out, “I’m way too old for you to call me a kiddo. I’m going to be seventeen in three months.” Elijah slid from the booth and carried his empty plate to the bussing station, then went back and stuffed a bunch of books and papers in his backpack, which he slung over his shoulder. As he came up to us, he said, “We need to go, I don’t want to be late.”
“We’re going, keep your shirt on!” Finn grinned at him and then kissed me again, this time a light peck on the lips, and said, “See you tonight. I’m working a double, so I’ll be home late.”
“I am, too. Be safe.”
“Always am.” My boyfriend winked at me and the two of them exited through the front door.
Finn had been granted temporary custody of Elijah while our lawyer worked on making the arrangement permanent, and the same had been done for Colt and me. As my brother’s only blood relative, our lawyer felt confident that I’d be given custody, especially after Jamie hired me as a waiter at Nolan’s and agreed to be one of my references. Things looked good for Finn and Elijah too, which was great because they’d really bonded over the last few weeks.
When the boys did their placement testing for high school, we’d been in for a big surprise. Elijah’s math scores were off the charts. We learned that the shy, quiet little teen was a prodigy, a fact that seemed to embarrass Elijah.
His scores were so remarkable that several school administrators held a meeting to discuss what was best for him. They decided high school would be a waste of his talents, so instead he’d been enrolled at San Francisco State while plans were being made to transfer him to UC Berkeley. He’d missed both universities’ enrollment deadlines, but for a boy as gifted as Elijah, that apparently didn’t matter much. Classes at S.F. State had begun that week, and Finn picked up Elijah on his lunch breaks and drove him to the campus, since the kid was pretty overwhelmed with big city life and afraid to take public transit on his own. When classes were over, Finn would take another break and drive him home. That was just one of the many ways Finn had stepped into a parental role, and he seemed to take it perfectly in stride.
After wiping down the booth Elijah had been using, I took one last look around to make sure my station was spotless and fully stocked. Then I picked up the plastic bussing tray and carried it to the kitchen. I put it down next to the dishwashing station, and when Jamie finished chatting with a couple of the cooks, I told him, “I’m going upstairs to rest before the dinner shift. If it gets busy early, give me a call and I’ll come down sooner.”
“You look exhausted, Chance. Are you sure you’re up for working a double today? It’ll be your third one in a row. Maybe I should find someone to cover.”
“I’m fine, and I’ll be even better after I nap for an hour,” I said. “Thanks for your concern, though.” Jamie gave me a sympathetic smile and squeezed my shoulder. We’d bonded a lot over the last month, and he felt much more like a friend than an employer.
The apartment was quiet when I let myself in with my key. We were still living with Jamie and Dmitri, since finding an affordable place big enough to accommodate all of us had proven to be a challenge. I’d given up the studio to save money, and felt kind of adrift without my own place.
I untied the black apron that was around my hips and put it on the coffee table, then dropped onto the white leather couch, took my shoes off, and sighed with relief. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned the ringer back on, then checked my texts. I had two messages, both from Jessie.
The first was the Honda’s daily health report. He and Nana had gotten back from Italy a little over a week ago, looking tanned and happy, and Jessie immediately and enthusiastically jumped into the project of fixing up my smashed-in Civic. Nico had decided to stay on an extra week or two, and still hadn’t returned. The second message was: Nana wanted me to remind you about Sunday dinner. She said you and your family should come over at five, because she’s going to be filming an episode of her cooking show before dinner and she likes to have a big audience.
I wrote back, assuring him we’d be there, and then I sent my daily text to Zachary. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since the day he’d confessed his feelings to me. I’d knocked on his apartment door day after day, until a new tenant answered and told me he’d moved out. I’d called his cellphone and left dozens of messages, but he never called me back. No way was I going to give up on him, though. I sent a text every day, letting him know I was thinking about him and begging him to get in touch with me. I knew he needed some time, but weeks had passed and we really needed to talk.
I put the phone on the coffee table and had just leaned back and closed my eyes when Colt burst in, asking, “Did Elijah leave for school already?”
“Yeah, you just missed him.”
“Shit.” He sank onto the couch beside me and wiped his sweaty forehead with his arm. He’d obviously run home from the bus stop. “No matter what I do, I just can’t get back here in time.” He’d started classes at one of the local high schools and took the light rail back and forth (riding public transit didn’t concern him in the slightest). What did upset him was the fact that he’d been enrolled as a sophomore as a result of his test scores. He’d hoped he’d go in as a junior, and was self-conscious about the fact that he was one of the oldest kids in his class.
He was upset, so I told him, “It’s okay. He’ll be home in three hours.”
“I know. I just.…” He stopped talking and looked away. When he turned toward me again, there was so much sadness in his eyes. “He
’s not gonna want me anymore, Chance.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Elijah. Why would a genius want to be with a dummy like me?”
“You’re not dumb. Not at all!”
“Yeah, right. Eli’s this total math whiz and I’m completely lost in pre-Algebra.”
“You just have different strengths than he does. And if you’re struggling with pre-Algebra, why not ask Elijah to tutor you? I’d volunteer to help, but I’m actually having a hard time with that one, too.” Both to better myself and to show the court I was making an effort so they’d grant me custody of my brother, I was taking online courses and preparing for the high school equivalency test. I’d been away from school a long time, and was kind of horrified by how much I’d forgotten.
“If I ask him to tutor me, he’ll just see first-hand how stupid I really am, and it’ll just speed up the process of him realizing he’s way too good for me.” I noticed idly that the southern accent he’d picked up from his boyfriend had almost totally faded out, now that my brother was spending time around a lot of people.
“Elijah loves you, Colt. He’s won’t hold the fact that you’re struggling in math against you.”
“It’s not just math. I don’t know if it’s because I took a year off, or if this school is just way harder than the one in Simone, or what, but I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.”
“I can relate,” I said, mostly to myself. I wasn’t just talking about my classes, either. “Let’s see your homework, maybe we can work on it together and both learn something.”
Colt slid onto the area rug and pulled a pile of schoolwork from his backpack. I reviewed his textbook while he started on a worksheet. After a while, I noticed that he was staring at the coffee table, and asked, “You alright, Colt?”
“I was just thinking. What happens if you and Finn break up?”