by Alexa Land
I used the toilet, then cleaned myself up as much as I could and brushed my teeth (he thought of that, too). Once I was dressed, I rejoined Finn and sat beside him on the kitchen counter. “How do you feel this morning?” he asked as I sipped my coffee.
“A little stiff from sleeping on the floor, but great otherwise. This place is beautiful in the morning light. Makes me wish I had my camera with me.”
“I texted Shaun this morning and he’s totally fine with us moving in any time we want to. Do you still feel the same way you did last night?”
I nodded and said, “I want this, Finn, I want to make this a home for both of us and for the boys. I think we could all be so happy here.”
“I know we can.”
“You sure we’re not taking advantage of your cousin, though? The right buyer would pay him a fortune for this, even if it was just for the land.”
“Like I said, he tried to sell it for years with no serious offers, and now he just wants to be done with it. Shaun isn’t stupid. He was a lousy restauranteur, but he’s made a lot of smart real estate investments and fully understands the value of this place. Yes, he’s making me a great deal, but he’s not giving it away. I wouldn’t worry too much about taking advantage of him,” Finn said.
There was a knock on the metal door, and Finn crossed the warehouse and let Jessie in. “Good morning, guys!” My friend came inside and looked around. “This warehouse is totally awesome! Please tell me Finn convinced you to buy it,” he said to me.
I told him, “He did. I want us to move in right away.”
Jessie clapped his hands. “That’s so great! Finn was worried that you wouldn’t like it. I think he fell in love with the place the moment he saw it, even though from what I hear, it was a huge mess when he came to look at it.”
I glanced at my boyfriend and asked, “Really?”
Finn nodded. “I’ve been coming here and cleaning every day for a week, after each shift at work. I didn’t want you to see it all dusty and full of cobwebs. It was already a stretch to think of this place as a home, and that wouldn’t have helped its case any.”
I grinned at him and said, “I think I still would have seen the potential in this place, but thanks for going to all that trouble. And hey, now it’s move-in ready.”
Jessie sat on the stainless steel kitchen counter with us and enjoyed some coffee and pastries before we got going. The limo was parked out front, though my friend had gone with a t-shirt, jeans and a baseball cap instead of the chauffeur uniform. Finn locked up behind us, and once we were in the limo he asked Jessie, “Would you mind if we made one stop before you take us home?”
“Not a problem. Nana’s getting her hair done. It always takes a couple hours, so she won’t need me for a while. Where do you want to go?” Jessie said, and Finn recited an address.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I settled in beside him and Finn put his arm around my shoulders.
“My parents’ house. There’s something I’ve been putting off way too long.”
I took his hand. “Are you coming out to them?”
He nodded. “I’ve been dreading this confrontation, but I can’t keep living with it hanging over me.”
“You don’t have to face it alone, Finn. I’ll be right by your side, if that’s what you want.”
“It’s going to get really ugly, I guarantee it,” he said, looking out the window. “You shouldn’t have to be subjected to something like that.”
“But would you feel better if I was there?” He hesitated, but then he nodded and I said, “Okay, that’s settled.”
The house he’d grown up in was a narrow two-story structure in the Sunset District. It was white stucco, fairly plain, and neat and tidy to a fault. It looked like the grass in the tiny front yard had been dyed green and trimmed with a pair of scissors, so that every blade of grass was exactly the same height.
We climbed the front stairs and Finn took a deep breath, then wiped his hands on his jeans and rang the doorbell. A shiny brass plaque above the bell said ‘The Nolans’. The casing that contained the doorbell was shiny brass, too. Were there really people in the world that polished doorbells?
A tall woman with short, brown hair opened the door and exclaimed, “Finn! Why did you ring the bell, did you lose your key? Come in. Who’s your friend?”
“Actually Mom, could you get Dad and ask him to come to the door? I need to tell both of you something.”
She knit her brows at that and said, “Don’t be ridiculous, Finn. Come inside.”
“There’s no point,” he said. “You’re just going to kick me out as soon as you hear what I have to tell you, so this saves you the trouble.”
Her frown deepened, and she called over her shoulder, “Father, will you come to the door, please? Your son’s here to see you but he won’t come inside.”
A huge man appeared behind her. He was as tall as Finn and fairly muscular, but he also sported a prominent beer belly. “What are you talking about, Mother? Why won’t Finn come in?” He filled the doorway and looked me up and down. “Who’s your friend, Finn?”
“This is Chance, my boyfriend.” He reached over and took my hand. His palm was sweating and his hand was shaking slightly. Both his parents looked absolutely stricken, as if they’d just been told someone died. “I should have told you a long time ago, but, well, I’m telling you now. I’m gay.”
For a long moment, his parents just stood there, completely immobile. But then his mother burst into tears and turned to bury her face is her husband’s shoulder as she wailed, “Why is God punishing me like this? Why? What have I done to deserve two gay sons?”
Mr. Nolan patted his wife’s back as he glared at Finn and bellowed, “Is this what you wanted, to upset your mother? Are you happy now?”
“No, Dad. I just needed to tell you the truth.”
The man was turning red, a vein bulging on his forehead. “Get out! Do you hear me? Get out of here! You’re no longer welcome in this home, you and Shea both!”
While he was yelling, his wife kept up a steady chant of, “Why? Why? Why?”
Finn sighed quietly and said, “I know. Bye, Dad.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself,” the man yelled as Finn and I turned and started down the stairs, hand-in-hand. “How could you choose a life of sin over your family? You’re going to burn in hell for what you’re doing, you and Shea and that faggot boyfriend of yours! All of you are going to burn, and that’s just what you deserve!”
Finn let go of my hand and ran back up the stairs. “Oh hell no!” he yelled. “I don’t really give a shit if you condemn me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you anyway! But for you to condemn Shea and Chance is bullshit! They’re the two kindest, sweetest, most decent men on this planet, and they deserve so much better!”
“Don’t you raise your voice to me!” his father yelled.
“I have to raise my voice, or else you won’t fucking hear me! If you two want to drive away your own flesh and blood, guess what? It’s your loss, not ours! And you know what else? You don’t speak for God! You don’t get to decide who’s going to heaven and who’s going to hell! Only God decides that, and I don’t believe for one moment that he would punish me for being what he made me!”
Mr. Nolan’s face was completely red. “How dare you curse at me, you piece of shit!”
“Ironic much?” I said to myself, but then I drew in my breath as his father pulled his fist back and lunged at Finn, looking like he planned to deck him.
He didn’t get the chance. Finn twisted his father’s arm behind his back, spun him around, and mashed him against the stucco wall. Then my boyfriend said calmly, “You seem to have forgotten that your piece of shit son is a member of the SFPD, and if you come at me, you damn well better believe I’m pressing charges.”
A lot of wind had been taken out of his father’s sails, given how effortlessly his son had overpowered him. Finn turned and walked down the stairs, leaving the man seething on
the landing. He picked up my hand again when he reached me, and when we got to the limo, Jessie held the door open for us. Once we’d climbed inside, Jessie spun around and flipped Mr. Nolan off with both hands, which made me smile. He then got back behind the wheel and said, “You okay, Finn?”
“Yeah. That actually went exactly how I thought it would,” my boyfriend said as he shook out both hands and let some of his tension drain away.
“You did awesome. That took major balls, since you knew how they’d react,” Jessie said.
Finn leaned against me and I put my arms around him. “At least I got it over with. I feel kind of nauseous right now, but I’m sure that’ll be replaced with relief later on.”
“What made you want to do that today?” I asked him.
“You and I are about to begin a new chapter in our lives and that was a loose end that needed to be tied up. It had been on my mind a lot and I didn’t want it hanging over me, especially when I have so many more important things to focus on.”
After a pause I said, “It’s super creepy that your parents call each other Mother and Father.”
He grinned a little and said, “I know, I always thought that was weird. Who knows what they’re going to call each other now that they’ve disowned both their children.”
Finn turned his head and stared out the window. I could tell he was just beginning to process what had happened. All I could do was hold him a little tighter.
When we got back to the apartment, we both hugged Jessie and thanked him. “It was my pleasure,” he said with a smile that made his blue eyes crinkle at the corners. “I’m super stoked that you and Finn found each other. It’s a great reminder to never to stop believing in the power of love, no matter how dismal my own love life might be.”
He gave us a little salute before getting behind the wheel. As the limo slowly made its way down the back alley, Finn drew me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. We just stayed like that for a while, wrapped up in each other. Eventually, he said, “It’s kind of weird, choosing a day at random and knowing that would be the day I lost both my parents.”
“I wish it didn’t have to be that way.”
“When I was younger, I used to think there had to be some way around what just happened, that if I could just think of the right words when I came out to them they’d understand and it’d be okay. I tried to figure out what those words were for such a long time. But the older I got, the more I realized it would never be okay. It just wouldn’t. There were no magic words to make them keep loving me.”
“Like you said, it’s their loss. If they’re stupid enough to put hate and prejudice ahead of family, then they don’t deserve you and Shea.” He nodded and I told him, “You don’t need them anyway. You have me and Colt and Elijah, and your brother and brother-in-law, and about a thousand cousins and nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles, and we all love you so damn much. I’m going to make sure you know how much you’re loved, every single day.”
“God I’m lucky I have you,” Finn said softly.
A voice close beside us asked, “What’s wrong?” Finn and I broke apart, startled, and Elijah said, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I saw the limo pull away a while ago, and then you didn’t come upstairs.”
“Finn just came out to his parents,” I told him.
Elijah’s brown eyes went wide and he asked, “Was it bad?”
Finn nodded and said, “I knew it would be.” He looked surprised when the teen launched himself into his arms and gave him a big hug.
“It’s gonna be okay, Finn. We’ll take care of you,” Elijah said.
Finn smiled at that and told him, “You’re an amazing person, Eli.”
The boy stepped back, coloring a little as he asked, “Why would you say that?”
“Because you’ve had some really horrible crap to deal with in your life, but you haven’t let it shut you down. You’re kind and loving and I’m so happy that you’re a part of my family,” Finn said.
Elijah’s blush deepened, but he grinned a little as he tried to deflect the compliment. “We’re havin’ a love fest in an alley next to a dumpster. This family is weird.”
“Damn right we are,” Finn told him with a smile. “Wear it with pride, kiddo.”
They both started for the back staircase at the same time, and Finn shouted, “Race you!”
He took the stairs two at a time, and Elijah burst out laughing and chased him as he yelled, “No fair! You had a head start!” I was smiling as I went after them.
*****
Later that afternoon, after the lunch shift was over, I returned to the apartment. Dmitri gave me a wave from the kitchen table, where he was giving Lily a snack, and Colt looked up at me and said, “Hi, bro.”
He was sitting on the living room floor with a lot of his belongings spread out around him, and told me, “Finn says he’s going to take Eli and me to see our new house after work! He told us it’s a warehouse, right on the bay, and showed us some pictures on his phone. I’m trying to get my stuff organized because he says we can move in soon. It sounds amazing!”
“It really is.” I sat on the couch and took my shoes off, then pulled out my phone and sent Zachary his daily text. I was relieved just like always when it went through. If he ever changed his number, I was going to have to get creative about tracking him down.
Just as I was about to return the phone to my pocket, a text popped up from my dad. All it said was: Hey. Hope all is well. Was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you were. As I wrote a reply and told him about the warehouse, Colt asked, “Who’s the message from?”
“My dad, just checking in,” I said as I hit send.
“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Colt said. “You were able to track your dad down, and I was wondering if maybe I could do the same thing and find my dad. I was thinking I could talk to Mama’s friends as a starting point, one of them might know something.”
A sick feeling washed over me and I put my phone down and took a deep breath. Colt had been busy pairing up his socks, so he didn’t notice my reaction. I’d been trying to figure out what to do ever since I found the letter, and right then I knew. I swallowed around the sudden dryness in my throat and said, “Can I talk to you for a minute, Colt?”
“We are talking.”
“I mean…you know.”
Colt glanced at me and said. “Oh, a ‘serious talk’. I always think I’m in trouble when we have one of those.”
“It’s nothing like that. I just have something I need to tell you.”
“Something super sucky, by the look on your face,” he said as he got up from the floor and sat on a chair facing me. A thought occurred to him and he said, “Wait, you and Finn aren’t breaking up, are you? Please don’t! It’ll tear our family apart!”
“No, Colt, it’s not that. Finn and I are doing incredibly well. You really don’t have to worry about us.”
He relaxed a bit and said, “Okay, good. What is it then?”
“Well, you know how I’ve been going through Mom’s old files?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“I found information in there about your dad, but…well, it’s not good news. I wasn’t even sure I should tell you, because you’re going to be upset. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and you have a right to know.”
Colt stared at me wide-eyed and repeated, his voice low, “Not good news?”
I said, “You don’t have to hear this if you don’t want to. It’s up to you. We can wait until you’re older, or we don’t have to go there at all if you don’t want to.”
“I need to know,” he said.
Dmitri had been watching the conversation with a solemn expression, and he got up, picked up his daughter and went into his bedroom. He emerged a moment later and handed me the envelope I’d asked him to put away for me, then said, “You two need some privacy. I’ll be downstairs with Jamie. Please call us if you need anything.” I nodded and he squeezed my shoulder b
efore leaving the apartment.
I told Colt, “This is what was in the files. It was meant to be found if something happened to Mom, so you’d be taken care of. Want me to read it to you?”
My brother shook his head and stuck his slender hand out for the letter. When I gave it to him, he held his breath, pulled it from the envelope and unfolded the single sheet of paper. It took him just a few moments to read it, and when he got to the end, he exhaled and whispered, “Oh God.”
“I’m so sorry, Colt. I wish it was better news.”
“Half my DNA came from a monster,” he said softly. He looked up at me and asked, “What does that make me?”
“The same sweet, wonderful, kind, loving person you always were. Who he was and who you are don’t have a thing to do with each other.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m absolutely positive.”
He sat there for a long moment, looking shell-shocked. Then he began to tear the letter into tiny pieces, and got up and carried them to the kitchen. I trailed after him and asked, “What are you doing?”
“This.” He turned on the faucet and the garbage disposal, and began feeding bits of the letter down the drain. “I don’t want to have anything to do with that family of stuck-up assholes. I’d rather die than hit them up for money.”
“You’ll never have to. I promise I’ll always take care of you.”
When the letter was gone, he shut off the water and the disposal and turned to face me. “Let’s never talk about this again, okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you.”
“No, you had to. I would have been mad if you kept something that big from me. I had this fantasy about going on a quest when I was a little older like you did and finding my dad, someone like Tony who actually wanted a son. Now I don’t have to waste my time or energy on any of that.” He spoke quietly, staring at the floor.
“I wish it had been better news.”
“Yeah, me too.” He stepped around me and headed for the door as he said, “I’m gonna go for a walk. I just need to…I don’t know. Think about stuff, I guess.”