“I don’t have to do anything!” I shouted as I pushed again needing to get him away from me. He backed up again, his arms up, his palms towards me. I bent down grabbed an ice bag and straightened, tears were running down my face. “Fuck Rory and fuck you Zeke for being on Rory’s side.” I threw the ice pack at him. He caught it against his chest. His face completely dumbfounded. “You’re supposed to be my friend not Rory’s!” My whole body was shaking as I strode away furious at him. I stormed through the house until I found the French doors that went out back. I slammed them shut behind me. The huge yard was dark, with small lights around the path and the pool. The cool fall breeze started cooling my body down as I strode across the stone walkway out to the other end of the pool. I walked as far as I could to be away from the guys and not be in the grass. I was fuming, shaking; my gut was feeling like stone. I sat sideways in one of the wooden lounge chaises near the end of the pool, my back to the house. I looked at the tree line as I tried to calm down. It took a long time.
I was still sitting out there a while later, I couldn't tell how long. Though I had pulled my knees against my chest, wrapping my arms around them. It was cold out here, but I wasn’t ready to go back in yet. I had embarrassed myself, completely lost control. I had yelled at all of them, for what? Not telling me about their own trauma? For wanting to know who hurt me so they could tear into them? What the fuck was wrong with me? Of all people, I should know how hard talking about your own crap is. The guys were just being protective and well, guys. They always had to fix things. I rested my chin against my knees, watching the trees move in the breeze. Only I wasn’t a problem they could fix. They couldn’t stop the memories from tearing me apart. I wanted to go home, I didn’t want to go back in there and face them. Oh, wait I can’t, we still had Bitch Ghost to deal with. And we had those charms and stones to go over. I should go in. They would still want to know and still ask their questions. Why did I have to fucking lose it in front of them like that? I was going around and around in circles. A jacket dropped onto my shoulders, I jumped. I looked up in time to watch Miles come around the lounge chair and sit down beside me. He rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward, his eyes on the tree line. I put my coat on grateful he thought to bring it out. But not knowing what to say to him after my screaming fit inside. My face burned as I thought about what happened in there. I started trying to figure out what to say to him. But I kept coming up with nothing.
“You’re right.” He said simply, breaking the silence. Surprised, I looked at his profile. That was so not what I was expecting. “We do know everything about you, at least the big things. And we never told you any of our stuff. We shouldn’t be asking that of you.” I watched his throat work as he swallowed. “My Dad used to beat my Mom in this house.” A heavy weight settled in my heart. I was such an asshole. He was giving me exactly what I asked for. A horrible life event. I tried to stop him.
“Miles you don’t-”
“Yes, I do.” He interrupted me, his eyes meeting mine. His sweet face earnest, determined. His gaze held mine for several heartbeats before he looked out at the trees again. He licked his lips before continuing, his voice quiet. “My Dad would come home in a rage over something, usually to do with the shipping business. He’d start criticizing my Mother, calling her names. He spoke to her in such a horrible way that I can’t even begin to repeat it to you.” He looked down at the stone patio, the muscles in his jaw clenching. “I still have trouble when guys talk to a girl that way.” He took a deep breath and let it out as he moved on.
“He’d have a few drinks and start hitting her. I heard everything, saw everything, every time.” His hands clenched into fists between his knees. I reached over, took his hand, and wrapped it in mine on the top of his thigh. He sat up his shoulders tense, his hand stiff in mine. He slowly relaxed and continued. “I tried to get between them but he’d just knock me out of the way and keep going. Till finally one day, I bought a video camera. I filmed him beating her. I wanted to take it to the police but my Mother asked me not to. I gave the video to my Mother, and she got a lawyer.” He was shaking his head, his mouth a hard line. “I’m pretty sure my Mother blackmailed him because he left, he’s working at the offices in New York. But they are still married, and he’s still putting money into her accounts and mine.” He gestured at the back yard. “I hate living here, because I still see my Mother getting beaten. I still hear her screaming for him to stop. All over the house. I usually stay at one of the other guy’s houses, Isaac and Ethan's Mom never minds if I come over and stay the night.” My stomach dropped. And here we all had to stay in this house that was still haunting him.
“We don’t have to stay here Miles, we can figure something else out.” I offered; we couldn’t stay here if being here was hurting him. He gave me a small half grin, his warm eyes meeting mine.
“It’s easier with other people here.” His thumb starting making small circles on the back of one of my knuckles. “You guys keep my mind off it; you distract me.” I leaned against his arm and rested my head on his shoulder trying to think of a way to make it better. Miles was such a sweet guy; he didn’t deserve to live in a house he hated. But what could I do to make him not hate it so much? We were quiet for a while.
“Maybe we need to make good memories here for you.” I offered, hoping I wasn’t pushing too far. “We can all spend more time over here. Help override the bad with good. Fill this place with fun, games, laughing and the occasional food fight.” He was quiet so long that I was sure I’d overstepped. That I had insulted him or something. I was about to apologize when he finally answered.
“That’s a good idea Lexie.” We sat in comfortable silence, listening to the water lap at the edge of the pool. It was my turn, I knew it was. But Miles wasn’t going to push if I didn’t want to talk about it. I took a deep breath for courage and I began.
“My Dad was a firefighter; he died when I was 12.” I kept my cheek against Miles shoulder, watching the trees dancing in the breeze. My voice was quiet. “After the funeral my Mom started drinking. A little at first then it got worse and worse. Eventually she lost her nursing job, we soon lost the house.” Once I started talking, I couldn’t seem to stop. It was as if I needed to get it all out for once. “She sold Dad’s new pickup bought an old trailer, and we left town. We’d go to a new town, she’d get a job waiting tables or something, and she’d do really well for a month or two.” Miles squeezed my hand. I rubbed my cheek against his hoodie before settling again. Wintergreen filled my nose. “Then she’d start drinking on the weekends, then at night, then all the time. Over the years, she started doing drugs. A little at first, then that went on just like the drinking. She’d be so wasted she’d lose her job. Since I turned sixteen, I always had to keep a part-time job just to keep us going. Then suddenly she’d decide we needed to move and start over again.” I tried to keep my voice calm but my voice was cracking. “And it would all start over again. We did that again and again.” I took a deep shuddering breath; Miles was a warm soothing presence beside me. I don’t know what it was about him, but something about him made me feel calm.” I was sleeping in my bed when she came home drunk and high as hell. She yanked me out of bed screaming that I was a devil child, that I was a demon. She had found one of my dad’s old belts and had it in her hand.” I looked down at Miles hand in mine as I remembered everything again. “She started swinging and swinging. When the buckle broke off, she used her fists, then her feet. She stomped the hell out of me. I didn’t even realize I was screaming until the cops broke in the door and dragged her out.” I looked back out at the trees. “I was taken to the hospital, Rory was called, and he agreed with the social worker to take me in. I took care of the trailer, putting it in a storage yard for her for when she gets out. And I started driving, I got here the next day.” That was it. That was everything.
“Why do you hate having your back iced so much?” He asked his voice silky soft. It melted away any resistance I had.
�
��Because I have to lay there, with no distractions while I remember her coming at me. I feel it all over again.” I told him honestly. “It’s like it’s happening all again, and again while I lay there. For those twenty minutes I’m in hell.” Miles leaned his head against mine.
“Lexie, that’s a flashback.” His voice was still that silky timber that soothed my ears. “It happens when you’ve experienced trauma.” I nodded against his shoulder.
“I figured it was something like that.” I admitted quietly. He squeezed my hand gently, his thumb still making small circles on my skin.
“Does it happen any other time?” I shook my head, staying quiet. “Have you told Rory?”
“No.”
“You probably should. He wouldn’t want you to keep getting triggered like that everyday.”
“I can usually get through it. It’s just, you guys were asking me those questions.” I explained. “I couldn’t focus on pushing it away I couldn’t...” Miles rubbed his cheek against the top of my head. We were quiet for a while.
“How did you know I wasn’t just mad at Zeke for bossing me around?” I asked getting a big whiff of wintergreen.
“I saw your face when you got up. You weren’t mad Lexie. You were terrified, and trying to get away.” He whispered his voice understanding. “After I realized what was happening. It wasn’t hard to theorize from there that you were triggered and probably having a flashback.” We were quiet for a while. “I’m sorry your Mother is the way she is.” He whispered down to me. I smiled sadly.
“I’m sorry your Dad is an abusive dick.” He laughed softly.
I heard small voices coming from Miles back pocket. Another voice shush someone else. I lifted my head and narrowed my eyes at Miles.
“Is your cell phone on speaker?” I asked very clearly. Miles' face was apologetic as his ears turned red.
“It was the only way I could get the others to agree to send only one of us out.” He explained very quickly. “They all wanted to come out and talk to you, but Zeke and I thought that would be too much.” I gaped at him stunned. “They were all stressing out, wanting to find out what happened to you. Ethan mentioned shaking it out of you and Zeke almost slugged him for it.” He shrugged, he looked at me cringing. “I thought this might be better.” I looked out at the trees and counted to ten. Strangely, I wasn’t mad; it had been easier to tell one person than all of them at once. And now I didn’t have to repeat myself. But it did irritate the hell out of me. I let go of Miles hand and reached behind him. He stiffened as I reached his back pocket and pulled the phone out. Sure enough, it was on speaker to Isaac.
“You guys are such assholes.” I spoke to the phone. “Sending sweet Miles out here to get me to talk. That is so low.” I told them honestly while smiling. “You all suck.” I pulled back my arm and chucked the phone into the pool. Miles mouth was open as he watched it sink.
“Lexie, that was my phone; I love my phone.” He whined his face pained. I wrapped my arm around his and rested my chin against his shoulder, watching him watch his phone sink.
“Then you shouldn’t have used it for the others to eavesdrop on us.” I told him simply. He glanced down at me to see me smiling against his shoulder. “You’re rich, you can afford another one.” He smiled down at me, and we both started laughing.
Chapter 12
It wasn’t long before we headed inside; everyone was sitting in the living room. They all looked up, with varying levels of concern. I walked around the room smacking each of them on the back of the head.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to listen in on other people’s conversations?” I said through my teeth as I popped each of them.
“Ow.” Ethan said.
“She hit me.” Isaac declared pointing a finger at me.
“She hit all of us.” Zeke pointed out, rubbing the back of his head.
Asher was the only one who didn’t complain, he nodded his head knowing he deserved it.
“She didn’t hit Miles.” Isaac pointed out.
“No, she didn’t, but I do need a new phone now.” Miles announced sitting on the couch next to Ethan. I sat down cross-legged on the floor at the end of the coffee table. Asher raised an eyebrow.
“What happened to it?” Miles half grinned at him.
“She threw it in the pool.” The guys smiled at that.
“Maybe you should get one of those waterproof ones.” Isaac suggested to Miles. “You know, just in case.”
“There will be no repeat of that.” I declared pointing at all of them. “That was rude and invasive. If I don’t want to tell you something, then respect that. I’ll tell you when I’m ready.” Mumbled apologies ran through the room so I let it drop.
“Lexie you still need to-” Zeke tired again. All the other guys groaned, glaring at him. Asher threw a decorative pillow at his head.
“You seriously did not just say that?” Ethan moaned his hand over his eyes. The silver rings on his fingers catching the light.
“Zeke, you need to stop while you’re ahead man.” Isaac advised.
“Even I know that was a stupid thing to say.” Miles mumbled. I took moment to think about it, he was right. I still needed to ice my back. It always felt better afterwards, no matter how much it sucked during. If they could just not distract me, I could get through it.
“Go get the ice.” I agreed resigned. Zeke got up as the others protested.
“You don’t have to stay in that position Ally.” Asher told me. “We can just take the picture and you can get up.”
“You shouldn’t have to get triggered every day.” Ethan said adamantly. I smiled gratefully at them.
“No, I need to. It keeps the swelling down, and it does feel better after.” I reassured them. “I can get through it, just don’t distract me.” The guys gave in, none of them liking it.
Zeke was back with the towel and ice packs, I was about to lay down when Miles stopped me. “Lexie, what if we put the ice on the floor, and you laid your back onto them?” He suggested quietly. “Changing the way you’re facing might stop you from having a flashback.” I shrugged, it was worth a shot. Zeke tossed me the ice packs, veggie bags and towel. I put everything in line and slowly lowered myself. I hurt a little at first, but it then the cold seeped through the towel. I waited, expecting the memories to push forward again. When they didn’t my body went weak with relief. I lifted my head and looked at Miles down the line of my body.
“Miles, you’re a genius.” I told him earnestly. He grinned at me. I looked back up at the ceiling and gestured toward the boxes they were going through.
“What are we doing?” I asked, like there was nothing weird about this.
“Zeke was trying to explain what this stuff is and what we’re supposed to do with it.” Asher answered.
“Only I can’t remember half of what she said.” Zeke bit out, obviously grumpy. I tilted my head back and to the side so I could see Zeke and Asher. They were upside down but I could see them.
“Pull something out and show me.” I said thoughtlessly. Isaac started snickering, Ethan joined in. Asher was holding back a laugh, his cheeks turning pink. I thought about what I said and started laughing. There are just some things you can’t say in a room full of guys. “That’s not what I meant.” I groaned. Even Zeke was covering his mouth, his eyes sparkling. When everyone got control of themselves Zeke reached into the box and pulled out a purple cloth bag. He opened it, pulled out medium sized bead then handed it down to me. It was heavier than it looked which meant it was stone. “That’s the bag of onyx beads she gave me. They keep the dead from touching you. I’m planning to make bracelets with them.” I handed the bead back to Zeke. He dropped it into the bag, closed it then set it aside. He pulled out a big silver ring with a black stone inside. I pointed. “That’s an onyx ring, I thought Ethan might like it since it’s more his style.” Zeke tossed the ring over to Ethan.
“Oh, nice.” Ethan announced. “Does this mean we’re engaged?” I s
norted and ignored him. Zeke was holding out a black leather necklace with a vial of water attached to it.
“That’s mine.” I held out my hand to Zeke. He handed it over before digging into the box again.
“What is that?” Asher asked.
“It’s a vial of salted holy water.” I explained slipping the necklace over my neck. “Serena told me to load up on everything for a while, then slowly take one level of protection off over a few days until I get exactly the level I need.” I held up the little vial. “If I’m getting jumped just open the vial and pour it into my mouth. It’ll force the ghost to leave.”
“So it’s a ghost epi-pen?” Asher asked an eyebrow raised. I thought about it and nodded. That was rather accurate.
“How much protection are us muggles going to need?” Isaac asked pulling books out of one of the boxes and handing them down to Miles.
“She said two items should do it for you guys.” I said looking at a silver coin like medallion Zeke was holding up. It had a hole so you could hang it from something. “That’s for Asher; I was going to string it on leather for a necklace.”
“Okay, it sounds like we’re going to have to make jewelry.” Isaac observed.
“Oh yeah.” I watched Asher upside down as he got to his feet and moved out of view. “She asked me to pick up a few jewelry making kits.” Zeke held a malachite pendant above me for identification.
“That’s for Miles, again protection from the dead. And it’ll match his eyes.” I heard someone chuckle at that. Zeke tossed the pendant over towards Miles.
“Thank you Lexie.” Miles said. Asher came back in. Upside down, I watched him sit back down with big thin plastic boxes in his hands. He started to hand out boxes when I got tired of laying there. I looked up at Zeke.
“Did you send a picture yet?” Zeke nodded.
Trying To Live With The Dead Page 22