‘It’s a hell of a lot to take in,’ Emily said, shaking her head.
‘So are you still going to have enough to do this place up?’ Jake said.
‘I won’t know for a while, but I think so. According to this, there was a life-insurance policy with me as beneficiary too. I vaguely remember John’s parents saying just after the wedding that they’d taken out policies in both our names, in case something happened and there were kids to raise.’
Not that there were.
Goodness knows how much Gerald and Thora had spent on keeping the insurance policies current. But how could I tell them that I was never having children with a man who was capable of beating his dog and then shooting it because it didn’t come quickly enough? He was their son.
Emily felt hot and clammy and a little queasy in the stomach. She’d essentially been deceiving them for the past several years. But which was worse? Lying by omission, or telling the truth and letting them know what kind of person John really was?
‘Just how much are we talking?’ Barbara asked.
‘It looks like I’m pretty much set for life if I’m careful.’
‘Jesus.’
‘Wow, that’s great,’ Jake said. ‘So why aren’t we jumping around with excitement and cracking open a bottle of champagne?’
‘I feel so guilty.’
‘Why? It was John’s choice to make you beneficiary, to not change his will when you split up,’ Barbara said.
‘Exactly,’ Jake said, nodding in agreement.
‘But…’ She took a deep breath. How can I tell them? ‘I’m not sure that I actually ever really loved him. Not properly. I think I loved the idea of him and the life he could give me.’ God, she really shouldn’t be saying this in front of Jake, but it was too late now. She swallowed hard.
‘I left him, and now it looks like I end up with everything. It doesn’t seem fair. He’d be devastated if he knew. And the town,’ she added. ‘What will everyone else make of all this? They thought it was bad enough me leaving him.’
‘You can’t feel guilty, Em. It’s the way it’s meant to be. It’s karma; you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re a good person; you deserve this,’ Barbara said.
‘I wish I could just wake up in a few months to find this place fully done and the change of ownership dealt with.’ And to have got out of having the conversation.
‘You just need to relax and let it settle in your mind, and then you’ll be able to go through and tackle each issue, one at a time. You’re a smart girl, you can do it,’ Jake said.
‘Why don’t I help you out by mentioning the farm stuff to David right now? There’s no pressure – but he’s bound to have some good ideas on where to start in sorting everything out.’ Barbara got up and gave her friend a hug. ‘You’ll see; it’ll all work out fine.’
‘Thanks Barb.’
‘We’ll discuss it later,’ Barbara said. She then hugged Jake and said, ‘I’ll leave her in your capable hands. I’m so glad you’re here.’
‘I’ll see you out,’ Jake said.
Emily knew they’d be discussing her out on the front step, but she didn’t have the energy to join them. Her brain ached, and she felt like going back to bed for a week. Only three hours ago she’d woken up feeling so positive. But now her world had been completely rocked. If only she’d spoken to Gerald and Thora before. She laid her head on the table and awaited Jake’s return.
‘I’m sure all this calls for another fortifying cuppa,’ Emily said when he did, ‘but I’m awash – I’ll be peeing for the rest of the day if I have another. But can I get you something?’
‘No thanks, couldn’t fit any more in either. Do you want to go for a walk or something? Get some fresh air?’
Jake placed a hand over her two that lay linked on the table. Emily stared at it, enjoying the warmth and sense of comfort. Part of her wanted to be left alone to process everything in her own time. But how could she tell him that? God, why did everything happen at once? She’d just been enjoying the prospect of getting to know him on a more intimate level, and now there was all this other stuff to deal with.
She smiled at picturing Gran with her lopsided grin saying, ‘Well dear, it doesn’t rain; it pours.’
Ain’t that the truth?
‘What are you smiling at?’ Jake asked.
‘Gran used to say, “It doesn’t rain; it pours.” You know? I think she’d find all of this quite funny – she had a quirky sense of humour.’
‘I sensed that from the whole button jar thing.’
‘Oh, why’s that?’ Emily asked, frowning.
‘Well, the fact that she chose to keep the diamonds in there. It’s like the ultimate contrast: mixing the most commonplace with the most precious. And the fact that she gave it to you knowing you’d figure out her secret.’
‘But I didn’t. You did.’
‘You would have eventually. Anyway, I’m sure she knew you’d treasure it for the memory rather than what it contained.’
‘Wow, it’s almost like you could have known her yourself. You know, she was from a really wealthy family – hence spending time overseas and having the opportunity to meet an Indian prince – but she chose to walk away from that to marry the man she loved. She could have gone to university and become anything, but she chose to be a farmer’s wife. And Grandpa was quite poor; not someone they thought was right for her by any stretch. He just had a small scrub block when they met. He told me she always worked alongside him like a man – got stuck in and got her hands dirty – despite coming from a life with servants. They were such a great team,’ Emily concluded wistfully.
‘I take it you didn’t have that kind of partnership with John?’
Emily thought about all the hope she’d felt before her marriage; that they’d be true partners, standing shoulder to shoulder, sharing everything.
‘No. Apparently a woman’s place is in the kitchen,’ she said with a wry smile.
‘You’re kidding!?’
‘Unfortunately not. Actually, do you fancy taking a drive?’ she said suddenly, swiftly changing the subject.
‘Sure, where?’
‘I wouldn’t mind checking on the farm.’
‘You mean right now?’
‘Yep, if that works for you.’
‘Certainly does.’
‘You might like to bring your camera – there are some nice spots worth capturing.’
‘Okay, brilliant. I’ll just go and get some gear together,’ he said, getting up.
‘You do that and I’ll pack some food in case we get hungry. I’m not sure how long we’ll be gone.’
Chapter Thirty
They were halfway to the farm when Emily started to feel seriously jittery. She’d told Jake to bring his camera, promising sights worth seeing and exploring. Inviting him was beginning to feel like a very bad idea.
How stupid was she to bring the new man in her life to the old man in her life’s home? What was I thinking? Clearly she hadn’t been.
Get a grip, Em. John is dead. You have every right to be there. And you have nothing to feel guilty about. When we arrive, you’ll swap the car for the ute and give Jake a tour of one of the loveliest properties in the district.
Emily gave a sharp nod of agreement, tightened her hands on the wheel, pursed her lips, and focused even harder on the road beyond the windscreen.
‘Are you okay?’ Jake asked, turning from watching out the side window towards her.
‘Yes, why?’
‘You seen awfully tense. We don’t have to do this – not now – if you don’t feel up to it. It’s fine to change your mind.’
Emily’s hands relaxed on the wheel and some of the tension in her shoulders eased.
‘Thanks, I am feeling a bit weird, but I think I need to do it. I’ll have to sometime.’ She smiled wanly at him.
The longer she stayed away, the longer she could put off thinking about the decisions she would have to make – the umpteen different things she’d
have to deal with. But it was only putting off the inevitable, and in doing so, increasing her stress and fear. Just like not speaking to his parents. I’ll do it after the funeral, she told herself forcibly, and pushed it from her mind.
Decisions would have to be made about the running of the farm, and quickly, or else she’d lose a whole year or more if the crop rotations and other schedules were mucked up. She didn’t have a clue about any of it, but could remember John once yelling at her for querying why something had to be done right then and in that paddock. It was in the first days of their marriage, and he’d treated her like a backward child; the ‘townie’ that she was. It was the first sign she’d seen of his cruelty, and his refusal to have her involved in any aspect of the farm.
Gran had been right, she thought, bringing herself back from thoughts of John. The old woman had always told her that the best policy was to deal with things as they arise, and never to put off hard decisions. Doing so just ate away at the soul and made the decision harder.
If only I’d followed that advice when it came to leaving John, Emily thought wistfully. It all seemed so obvious now. But she’d been under so much pressure to stay – mainly from her mother. And of course there was Gran’s view that one must give things a damned good shot – see them through.
Emily chuckled to herself. The old dear had had a quote or snippet of advice for just about every little situation, and some of her sayings contradicted others. No one could follow all Gran’s advice – it just wasn’t possible – and trying to do so was bound to do your head in.
‘What are you laughing about?’ Jake asked, grinning at her.
‘Oh, I was just thinking about my gran again.’
‘So, what’s so funny?’
‘I’ve just realised that it would actually be impossible to follow all her advice.’
‘Oh?’ Jake frowned, clearly perplexed.
‘Well, take my marriage.’ For a second Emily doubted her choice of example, but she forged ahead anyway. ‘If I was being true to myself by leaving John, I couldn’t also be sticking it out and seeing things through to the end, could I? It’s paradoxical.’
Just like how I can’t tell his parents about our separation now, because they’ll be devastated that John never told them – and because it’ll mean telling them how he treated me. But if I don’t tell them then I’ll be lying by omission and getting rich under false pretences – if they find out from someone else they’ll think I’ve been deceiving them in order to get my hands on John’s estate. If only money wasn’t involved.
‘Hmm, I see what you mean. Which is why only you can know what is right for you, Em. Only you can live your life. Everyone else will have an opinion, but ultimately you’re the one responsible for your own actions – and your own happiness.’
‘I’m sure that was probably one of Gran’s sayings as well,’ Emily said, rolling her eyes.
‘I’m serious.’ He put a hand on her thigh as if to prove it.
‘I know. I just can’t believe I didn’t see before how ridiculous it is, trying to follow all her advice.’
‘It’s not ridiculous. She was obviously a very wise woman, and a big influence on your life. But maybe you’ve been using your memory of her as a bit of a crutch and this realisation is a sign that you don’t need to anymore.’
‘What, like a sign from the universe?’ She resisted again rolling her eyes.
Jake shrugged. ‘If you like.’
They lapsed into silence, Jake focused on taking in the surroundings, and Emily processing what he’d said. She felt a little disloyal questioning her recollections of Gran. But the old lady had had dementia – and God only knew how long she’d had it before being diagnosed.
Emily was suddenly struck with the thought that possibly nothing Gran had said to her since she’d been fifteen could be relied upon. She felt a lump beginning to form in her throat. An image of Gran, with her lopsided grin, appeared in her mind, plain as if she’d only seen her yesterday. As it became clearer, she realised she was seeing the day Gran gave her the button jar.
She frowned, watching the scene unfold, while she struggled to focus on the road ahead.
Now she saw Gran looking quite perplexed – confused – as she handed over the jar; hardly urging her to take good care of something precious. The old lady didn’t have a clue that she was essentially handing over the family jewels.
Replaying it in her mind, Gran didn’t seem to know what she was doing, or even who Emily was. Why had she been so convinced that Gran had singled her out? She’d spent so long looking to the buttons for answers. How could she have been so pathetic, so naïve? Even John had seen it. He’d teased her about it. But that had made her seek the solace of the button jar even more.
Slowly the answer came to her. She’d been hearing what she wanted to hear; it was the universe protecting her during a tough time.
But the diamonds tucked in with the wooden, plastic, and metal buttons were real. What did that mean?
Nothing more than proof of some family secret that had almost gone to the grave with Gran. Emily felt like she was back at square one. Did that mean Gran had given her the jar on purpose, knowing the diamonds were in there? What if she’d just disposed of the jar, dismissed it as the lifetime’s hoard of a mad old woman – like her mother would have?
And what if she did sell the diamonds – if she wasn’t so damned sentimental? Emily’s head spun.
No. Everything has happened the way it was meant to. I was meant to get the diamonds. I was meant to keep them and not sell them. I was meant to remember Gran’s sayings. And they were meant to help me through this traumatic time.
With all the mess going on in her mind, Emily knew three things for sure: Gran was the wisest woman she’d ever met; Gran had had a great life, not regretting for a second choosing love over money and status; and she, Emily, had wasted far too much energy and time worrying about what her mother wanted and expected from her.
From now on, she thought as she turned off the main dirt road and onto John’s – no, her – property, she was going to do her own thing; live her life her way – whatever that was.
She was feeling more buoyant as she pulled up beside the huge corrugated-iron implement shed with its six sliding doors. She got out and went over to the third door from the left and gave it a hefty tug while making a mental note to sort out some way of locking it up. And the house.
Things are going to change around here, and John can’t do a damned thing about it. It occurred to her that his parents could probably do whatever they liked, but she shook it aside. Until I tell them, let me have this little fantasy. And maybe they won’t care. Yeah, right!
Jake was standing beside her as she stared into the dark shed. Grace trotted off ahead of them, the tip of her wagging tail disappearing into the darkness. They could hear the scratch of her nails on the concrete. Emily frowned at the empty bay, and then brought a hand to her mouth.
Of course! The ute was now mangled and sitting in the wrecker’s yard. How could she have forgotten? She felt her knees go weak.
‘What’s wrong?’ Jake asked, laying a hand on her shoulder.
Emily turned to look at him, her face white and drawn.
‘I completely forgot about the ute. I was going to swap vehicles to drive us around the farm. But John was driving it when he died. I can’t believe I forgot. We’ll have to do a bit more walking than I’d originally planned.’
Slowly her colour returned and she got herself together. She pulled the door closed until only a small gap remained.
‘Gracie, come on, quick, we’re going now,’ she called loudly. After a few moments Grace trotted out, tail bouncing, and Emily finished closing the door.
They walked the few metres back to the car in silence, Emily busy making another mental note; replace the ute.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ Jake asked when he, Emily and Grace were settled back in the car. ‘We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.’
Jake looked at her calmly. ‘As long as you’re sure.’
‘Totally. I’m looking forward to having a good look around.’ And at that point Emily realised she actually was.
It had been a couple of years since she and John had gone on a proper tour of the property; just driving around checking things out and stopping wherever took their fancy for a barbeque. Emily had put the small gas stove in the boot, but it just wasn’t the same as cooking chops and sausages over real coals on an old plough disk. But you couldn’t do that with the summer fire restrictions currently in force.
Another time, she thought, pausing for a few moments to think where the plate would be located, and failing.
She started the car, turned it around, and drove back the way they’d come.
‘Looks like a nice solid old house,’ Jake said, nodding at the house as they passed it.
‘It has its good points. Great kitchen, but not really a patch on where I’m living.’
‘So I suppose you’ll rent it out then?’
‘I suppose so. Remind me to show you through when we get back.’
Emily paused at the end of the driveway, considering whether to go right or left. In the paddock ahead was the pile of stone from the ruined cottage, and the uprights of the half-finished hayshed. She winced at the sight.
She wondered fleetingly if the stone from the cottage could be salvaged and the structure rebuilt, before dismissing the notion as utterly ridiculous. She had to get over it; harbouring such resentment wasn’t healthy. At least she didn’t have to look at it every day through her kitchen window – that she couldn’t bear.
‘Was that the cottage?’ Jake asked, pointing to the rubble.
‘Yep.’
‘Sacrilegious. I’m not surprised you were devastated.’
Emily shrugged. ‘At the end of the day, it was only a cottage, I guess.’
‘She says to an architect who specialises in preserving old buildings,’ Jake said, laughing. ‘It could be rebuilt, you know.’
Time Will Tell Page 21