Perry came bursting through the door. “Shit! Is his ok?”
L was crying, “No. Look at his legs!”
Perry saw his legs, “Ohh fuck!” He tried to stop it from coming out, but he
didn’t.
“Foz made it. How is your place?” Perry said.
“Not as bad as this, just one big hole.” Garfield gurgled.
“Fuu, uuu, uuuck!”, L let out. “He’s still alive, what do I do?”
Perry looked over at Tony and whispered, “Put him out of his misery?” And then made a gesture of smashing his head with a rock. He had a knack for being nonemotional and getting right to the root of the problem, even if it was rude sounding.
L looked up and saw this,”What? Smash his head? Fuck you!”
“He’s in misery. It would save him some pain and agony.”
L kept crying and looking at her mangled best friend. After a few moments she
said, “Guys, get out.” then after a short pause with more authority,”Get out! Leave me alone.”
Perry made a break for the door, an easy escape. Tony went up to L,”Are you ok? What’s up?”
“Just leave Tony. We can’t fix him, right? He basically dead. Leave me alone
with my cat. I’ll meet you guys at your house later.”
“Are you sure? We can try a vet?”
She looked at him, her face saying “Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Ok, we’ll be at my place. Call or yell if you need anything. I love you L”, That might’ve been the first time Tony said that.
“I love you too.”
He gave her a kiss on the head and took off, Fozzie bringing up the caboose.
When Tony got home, Perry was already there, on his couch, hitting his 4 foot
bong. Perry looked down at the still smoking ball in his living room. “What da fuck is dat thing?” He sputtered, trying to hold in a hit.
“It’s my new bean bag, you should try it out.” Tony joked.
Perry laughed, thought about it, then ran over and tried to jump into the debris
like sitting on a bean bag. He hit it and they both rolled, Perry’s legs went out from underneath him and he ate it on his ass pretty hard. Fozzie and Tony laughed at him.
Perry was holding his butt in pain, Tony looked over at the debris and noticed
some color under the black crusty burnt shell. He peeled back some of the crust and the words “Rainbow” became visible. It was a package of some sort, and it was very colorful. Now they had to know. Tony pushed on the burnt crust to move it away and right after the word “Rainbow” was the world “Dildo”.
“RAINBOW DILDOS!”, Perry came running like it was Christmas. And like a little kid on Christmas, became ripping open the wrapping. It was a big box of rainbow dildos. He grabbed one and held it up in the air shaking it, they were actually colored like a rainbow.
“Rainbow dildos for everyone! Thanks warstore fight!” Then he picked up a half burnt one and became sad for it. “Ahhh poor burnt dildo, Fozzie you want this one?” He threw it in her direction and it landed in front of her face. She noticed it, almost became interested, almost bit it, but then turned away and laid her head down. She knew what Perry was up to.
“Ohh my God, did you see that, she almost bit it!”, he roared with laughter,
“You’re pretty happy for someone whose city was just destroyed by a warstore.”
“My apartment is fine. There’s a big ass hole in the wall, but those fucks are so
high they barely noticed it.” He continued,”That warstore shit is crazy, and thousands of people died. Honestly though, I’m pretty sure the world is better off without those people.”
“Who are those people?”
“Anyone who lines up to go shopping at a warstore. Anyone who sees their best
friend get splattered by a warstore and still wants to go in. Those people are worthless idiots. There’s too many people on this planet anyways.”
“I probably agree with most of what you’re saying.”
“We need a good war or disease we can’t conquer. We’re too powerful and there’s too many of us. If Earth was a game, it’d need a patch cuz humans are OP. People would be trolling that dev hard.” Perry said, “I kind of want to try an IC though.”
“I do too, but you can’t un-try it, is what I hear”
“And it seems people who have ICs are the masses, maybe it turns you into
that? The type of people that think a warstore is a fun place to shop even though it will kill you. People who want to buy these things” Perry said, shaking a rainbow dildo.
“This whole city is filled with those people. Shit, this whole country is, and
fuck, the world is too.”
“Fuck the world.” Perry repeated selected words he liked.
“Where is there to go? Antarctica? The Netherlands?”
Perry’s eyes perked up at a mention of The Netherlands. It used to be on his
bucket list, until they neutered it and it was no longer the land of Red Light District drugs and hookers. His eyes blew off the idea of The Netherlands, and he nonchalantly said, “Off the grid.”
“Like run off into the forest and eat berries and worms?”
His eye’s perked up again, “Yea, lets do it.”
“Whaaaat?”
“Let’s get a few packs worth of shit and go build utopia in the forest.” He was
kind of kidding. “There’s hundreds of miles of forest North of here.”
Perry and Tony liked to go camping and did many times. When a lot of their friends were going to Cancun or Lake Havasu for spring break, they’d take mushrooms and go camping for a bunch of days. A few times they would only take fishing poles, no food and live off fish only. They actually had been off the grid for about a week at a time. It was possible.
Perry went on, “Seriously, what are we gonna do here? Wait for the next
warstore battle to fully destroy our places, or to maybe die watching a bunch of idiots go shopping.”
“What, are you gonna live without weed?”
“I’ll bring some, and grow some!”
“And what about Taco Bell? I know you need your Taco Bell?”
“Fuck Taco Bell!” He started to rant,”I can fish that river till the day I die. Me,
you and Fozzie can catch rodents and birds and shit.” Fozzie looked up at him, to tired to care.
“We’ll take L and Missy and start a new society.”
“I’m sure they’d love the idea.”
“What idea will I love?” L said as she stuck her head through the new hole in Tony’s apartment and began to limbo her way though.
Perry took the bait and ran with it, “Dildos! We’re going to make millions selling rainbow dildos!”
She wasn’t happy, but the sight of hundreds of rainbow dildos did make her smile a bit. She walked over, jumped on the couch and curled up next to Tony. “He’s gone.”
“Garfield?”
“Yea.”
“What happened?” Perry was interested.
“I took care of it.”
Perry and Tony looked at each other, not sure what to say or think. They didn’t say anything.
Perry scooted the issue,”I say we blow this popsicle stand of a city and go hang
out in the woods for a few years.”
Tony looked at L, thinking she’d shoot down his wild thought quickly. “Sounds good to me. Fuck these IC infested, Ad idiots. warstore loving morons who’d kill and/or die to buy the newest smart watch.” She stood up, and kicked the package of rainbow dildos, shaking a few loose. “This is what we get, a bunch of rainbow dildos, fucked up apartments, dead cats.”
She was actually on board. Tony tried to be the voice of reason, “You guys are
talking about leaving society? Toilets, the internet, candy, drugs, concerts, video games, pinball?” Then he looked at Perry, “Porn?”
Perry pulled out his phone, “Solar powered phone ch
arger. I got the internet, porn and games covered.”
L chimed in,”You probably wipe your ass with that phone too, so you got toilet paper covered too.” She reached out in a give-me-the-bong motion. Perry obliged. Just before she took a hit she nodded towards Perry,”I like his idea, for once.” And she took a bigger rip than I’ve ever seen her take. She had a different look in her eye.
“Have you asked Missy about it?” L asked.
“No, Tony just had this brilliant idea.” Perry said.
L looked at Tony surprised, “This was your idea?”
Tony just rolled his eyes and shook my head. “Nope, his” and he pelted Perry with a rainbow dildo.
“I’ll text her and tell her we’re doing it right now.” L said and started tapping on her phone. They were both high, but they’ve both been high before, Tony thought. How was Tony the only one that didn’t want to “leave society”.
“She’s in.” L said.
Perry was laying on his back, holding a rainbow dildo above his mouth, shaking
it, slowly moving it towards his mouth. “Niiice.” He said right before the dildo penetrated his mouth.
“Fozzie let’s go” Perry said enthusiastically. He knew that tone of voice would
get her excited. Fozzie jumped up and ran over to her leash, wagging her tail. “See, she wants to go too.”
“We can’t just run off.” Tony said.
“We’ll make a list of things we need, I’ll take the guys to the old Walmart, if Juicy has any of those fake credit cards we’ll use those. Or we’ll just rob the shit outta the place.” Perry said.
“We’re not bringing Juicy. And Eric and Juicy are attached at the hip.”
“I know, but they would love to help in any sort of criminal endeavor. We’ll do
it tonight, and we’ll leave tomorrow to form utopia.”
“That sounds like a fucking rad plan, Perry. Do eeet!” L playfully said
surprisingly. “We’ll need…” L started the list of things they needed. Perry started typing a list on his phone. The both of them were so into it, but they forgot a few things, so Tony reminded them and all of a sudden he was part of this. He still wasn’t sure if it was just one of Perry’s hair brained schemes that he would forget about tomorrow, or if they were serious.
9
ROBBING THE OLD SHITTY WALMART
Perry went home later with a crime spree in his mind.
“What’s up motherfuckers!?” He burst into his apartment with the new sky
light, created by the warstore. “I got a plan to rob the old shitty Walmart, you guys in?”
“Fuck yea!” Juicy said enthusiastically and without any thought, from his lazy boy-like chair. Then the afterthought, “Um, why?”
“I need some camping equipment.” Perry replied nonchalantly. Then he made his way over to the couch where Eric was always sleeping, like “The Guy” in Half
Baked, and yelled in his ear “Wake up Eric! It’s the cops!”
Eric flailed wildly for a second and quickly surveyed the area with very awake eyes, then punched Perry, “Asshole.” and laid back down.
“Hey man, I’m moving out.” Perry explained,”I just wanted to know if you’re down for one more big score… For old times sake.”
“What?” Eric started walking and sitting up,”You can’t move out, you still owe me a hundred bucks, remember?”
“Yea man, I’ll pay you. Don’t worry.”
“Who’s the mark?” Eric liked to act like a pro.
“Not who, what. That old shitty Walmart.” Perry said, reaching to tough Eric's
afro.
“Why would you want to rob an old shitty Walmart?” Eric questioned, dodging Perry's touch.
Juicy chimed in,”He needs new camping gear.” They all shared a laugh.
“Na, seriously. Me n Tony are going on a long camping trip. L and Missy are coming too.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
“Why?”
“It’s easy, they’re open all night and we’re leaving tomorrow.” Perry laid out
his epic plans.
Eric shook his head, grabbed the bong and took a big hit. Then blowing it out long and slowly, “Let’s rock.”
Juicy laughed and struggled to reach for something in his pocket, “Did somebody say rock?”, as he pulled out an 8 ball.
“Ohh fuck!” A duet of excited druggies exclamated.
They proceeded to do lines and plot their robbery, constantly going off on tangents. Then they did more lines and talked about how Futurama used to be good before it got cancelled and brought back. Then they did more lines and talked about nothing. Then they did more lines. Then they drank some beers. Then they did more lines.
“You know their night security crew is armed now?” Eric stated.
“Yep, that’s why I’m bringing Bessie.” Juicy reached behind his chair and pulled out his shotgun. “Fuck you Walmart rent a cop!” He aimed the gun at no one and mouthed shooting it “BABOOM!”
“No guns man!”
“If this is The Terrible Threesome’s last hurrah, let’s go out with a bang.” Juicy was ready to party. “Yes guns man. Guns for the win.”
They did a few more lines, grabbed a few beers for the road, then packed the
bullet with coke, for the road also. Then they wanted to do more lines and had to unpack the bullet, they did more lines, and then repacked the bullet and went out to rob the old shitty Walmart.
Inside the old shitty Walmart there were 3 sweaty, greasy, security guards in the security camera room. They all would remind you of the chef from Sucker Punch. Just super nasty, greasy guys, all three were Walmart night security, so of course all three had wanna be cop mustaches. They were guys that if you watched any of them eat a meatball sandwich you would be disgusted. The head guard was severely overweight, the second ranking rent a cop was a very tall guy and the third was obese. They were doing many lines of coke also, and talking about how they wanted to shoot people, then they did more lines and produced more sweat and grease. From the looks of their office, they probably didn’t see much action.
The inside of the old shitty Walmart was old and shitty. ICs had killed a lot of “brick and mortar” stores and Walmart was one of them. Walmart wasn’t going down without a fight and continued to keep their stores open. Many of the lights inside the store didn’t work, some of the fluorescent light were broken and dangling, only about half of the shelves were stocked. All their stores still had a grocery section, but there were no groceries. Basically the whole place looked like a stampede of bulls ran through and no one bothered to clean up.
Walmart pretty much was reduced to being a tiny gun store in a big box store’s
body. Guns were the only thing they sold, well the whole sporting goods section. That’s why Perry, Eric and Juicy were on their way to rob it. Although robbing Walmart was a pretty common occurrence nowadays, which is why they had three armed security guards on duty at 2 AM.
Outside the front doors, the three coked out amatuer criminals scrambled to do a
few more bullet hits and finish off their beers before going in, Then Juicy had to piss and adjust his mask. Then Eric’s mom called. Then they needed to finish the bullet.
“In case we get caught, we don’t want to get caught with this shit.”
“We’re not getting caught.” Perry said, surprisingly focused, starring in the front
door. But they finished the bullet anyways. Then they were finally ready to go.
The three burst in the front door, and started yelling for some reason. They
didn’t plan to yell, but once they hit the door they all did spontaneously.
There was one hobo “shopping” in the rubble. Eric and Perry ran by him so fast
he spun around and fell on the ground.
Three hundred pounds plus, Juicy was trailing behind, when he ran by, the hobo asked drunkenly,“Hey man, did you just see a real bright light?”
/> “Get the shit on your list and get out.” Eric and Perry spread out in the sporting
goods section, like pros. Eric grabbed a cart that only had 3 good wheels. While Perry was quickly grabbing camping supplies, he felt his phone vibrate. He paused and took it out to check, five missed calls and twenty text messages. “Ohh shit” He thought, his heart was already going 1000 miles an hour, “What could this be?”
All the calls were from Missy. That calmed him down a bit, she can freak out for no reason. He checked the texts and just from the message previews he saw a lot “Fuck”s and “Prick”s.
Text 1, “You fucking prick! I heard Juicy got an 8 ball, you guys better not do one line without me!!”
Text 2, “You prick fuck! You know coke is my favorite old school drug right now. I’m coming over!!”
There was no reason for Perry to read any more, he knew it was 8 more of the same version of those texts. He finished grabbing the camping supplies by sweeping his arm across a shelf and pushing the rest of the supplies over the edge and into his open bag. It felt like he’d only seen people do that in movies. “I always wanted to do that.” He thought.
His bag was heavy now, he hopped it over his shoulder and lugged his way over
to Eric, throwing the bag in the cart. Juicy was just getting there, out of breath and sweating profusely. He had his phone out.
“Missy’s on her way.”
“What the fuck?!” Eric and Perry questioned, screaming in chorus again.
“She wanted to know where we were.”
“And you told her were out robbing Walmart?”
Juicy stuttered, “Um, yea, kinda.”
“Ohh. My. God. You fucking dumbass!!”, Eric yelled, still filling up his cart.
“She wanted..” Juicy tried to explain.
Perry had a hammer and interrupted by smashing the glass front of the gun rack. He quickly starting picking the locks and after a few seconds he had a rifle unlocked and was already onto the next, unlocking a shotgun. Perry’s expert lock picking skills on full display for no one but himself to witness.
Eric continued going at Juicy, berated him like he always did,”She wanted coke! We all know you want to fuck Perry’s coke fiend of a girlfriend and would do anything for her you fucking coked out puppy dog! But why wouldn’t you just have her meet us at our place, of just let her boyfriend deal with her!”
The Search for Ball Zero Page 6