Eric screamed, “They were cooking a fucking foot!”
“Fozzie would eat it. Look.” Perry reached and picked up the cooked foot
barehanded. They all yelled as his did.
“What the hell man!!” Eric stared at him unbelieving.
“Ohh shit!” Tony danced away.
Perry offered the foot to Fozzie. She smelled it, thinking.
“Fozzie no!” L grabbed her and pulled her away.
“It looks cooked.” Perry waited until they were all looking and put it up to his
mouth, faking eating it.
The chorus sang in disgusting disapproval.
He fake chewed, “Soo good! Kinda tastes like feet though.”
Tony and L couldn’t take it and busted out laughing. Eric wasn’t in a laughing mood.
They found the other body not far away. Same thing, burnt to a crisp. After a quick investigation of the campsite, they were confused. The cannibals had no pack, no supplies, nothing.
Eric started off, disbelief in his voice again, “Seriously?! What the fuck?! These fucking naked cannibals were just hanging out barbecuing feet!?”
Perry interrupted, “They had clothes.” As he peeled back a burnt shirt.
Eric continued,”Fine! Inside this corporate owned mystery forest, void of all
animal life, these well dressed cannibals just came out here and started a fire on the side of this hill to cook a foot! But their fucking Foot Feast was interrupted by flame throwing drones who burned them to a crisp and then put out the forest fire they created.
Do you hear the words I’m saying?!”
Tony interjected, “You can’t make this shit up!”
Eric’s disbelief reached an apex, “Who’s fucking foot was that?”
Perry was examining the foot extremely close to his face. “It was a girl. She
was probably pretty hot.” He paused and looked around,”Get it, hot?” Staring at the cooked foot.
Tony and L shook their heads.
Eric didn’t seem to get it so Perry went on,”You know, she was on the fire?”
Eric yelled,”I get it!”
“Actually she probably was hot.” Perry continued his CSI investigation, looking
deeply at the cooked foot, ”Nice toes, pedicured maybe. I think red toenail polish.
Probably a hot, dirty slut.”
“Your favorite kind,” L said, kind of joking, but not really.
Perry turned and looked down the valley, “See ya, my skanky foot friend!”,
reeled back and threw the foot as far as he could down into the valley. It turned and spun slowly in the air, arced and slowly descended into the bush with a rustle. Above them, they didn’t notice before, a few vultures were circling. The vultures noted the flying foot and reacted.
“Ohh shit, Vultures.” Perry noticed. “See Eric, there are your precious animals.”
“We’re leaving right?” Eric ignored Perry, looking at the only people he thought were sane, Tony and L. They looked at each other.
“I don’t know man, I think I’m with Perry on this one. I’d rather be out here
with you guys than die as a meaningless statistic in that city.”, Tony stated “Look around, it’s beautiful.”
I kinda like the Area 51 adventure.” L threw in. “I heard the Elohssa HQ is
built so high it touches space. I kinda wanna see that.”
Eric looked at them both, still in disbelief, “Fucking cannibals!”
Fozzie emerged from the bushes and looked up at the group, with a disembodied hand in her mouth.
They all scattered, screaming like children. L came running back and slapped the hand out of Fozzie’s mouth and picked her up. “Fozzie NO!” She said in a dog obedience class voice.
13
TOILET PAPER, BUNGLE SHIRTS AND SHROOMING
They hiked for another day, heading North, staying along the ridge of the valley
when possible. Going down to the river to fish when they wanted, the fish were plenty.
On the way down to fish one day, Tony noticed a grenade hanging from Perry’s
belt.
“What the hell is that? A grenade?” He asked.
Eric walked up and reached out to touch it, “Is it real?”
“Yea it’s real. It’s my grandpa’s. From Vietnam. He gave it to my dad and my dad gave it to me when I was 10.”
“Nice present for a 10 year old.”
“That’s my dad for ya.” Perry agreed. “But hey, it might come in handy now. Hey cannibal, eat this!” He faked shoving a grenade in someone’s mouth.
“So it’s been sitting around for what, 80 years? It’s probably a dud.” Eric said.
They hiked North for a few more days, there was no sign of cannibals, drones,
animals, Elohssa headquarters, warstores or other people. They had time to have fun, talk about which Terminator movie was the best, swim in the river and play games. They did all of this with the cannibals and drones in the back of their head. Every once in a while they’d hear or see something and everyone would jump to attention. But nothing. One of those days they dipped into Perry’s Fear and Loathing suitcase and everyone ate some mushrooms. They didn’t make too much progress that day, all ending up mostly naked swimming in the river. Eric lost his shirt and realized he didn’t bring any other clothes. He ended up wearing one of L’s T shirts, a Mr. Bungle shirt with an old man masterbating on the back. She loved Bungle, but always felt uncomfortable wearing that shirt, “Have it.” she thought.
“So we’re just gonna keep hiking North until we find some evil fortress?” Eric questioned.
“Or until we find the cannibal tribe and feed you to em.” Perry joked.
“I’ll feed you to em, they’d get high eating you.”
“I hope they have one of those black big cauldrons they always try to cook Bugs Bunny in.” L joked.
Everyone remembered that and laughed.
Everyone was pretty dirty and tired. Especially after a day of ‘shrooming, “Maybe we should set up and camp for a few days and rest up.” Perry suggested.
“I’m in.” Tony said.
“Yea let’s” L agreed.
They found a nice spot and set up camp. Everyone letting out “Ahhhs” of relief
after taking off their packs.
“I'm running out of toilet paper.” Perry mentioned.
“With so much crap coming out of your mouth, I don’t doubt it.” Eric jabbed.
14
MIDNIGHT ADVENTURE
The night was mostly uneventful, except for the unveiling of Perry’s new wooden bong. He had been carving at something for a few days. Everyone smoked out of it, it was pretty good. Perry was one of those guys every group has, the MacGyver of weed smoking, he could make a pipe out of anything.
The stoned group was watching the stars.
“There’s so much less light pollution out here, you really can see more stars.” “Yeaaaaa.” Someone agreed, it sounded like they were drooling.
“Ohh shit, look!” Eric pointed to the West side of the hill they were hiking on.
“Lights!”
They all knew the plan, put out the fire, get ready to book.
“Camp Rawk is too far away, if we have to split up, let’s meet back here.” Tony planned.
The chorus agreed.
“Camp Rawk 2” L dubbed it again.
“Electric Boogaloo” Perry joked.
The lights weren’t moving like the other ones, it wasn’t as smooth. They
weren’t flying, it was something on the ground. It was big and had multiple search lights, it even had a few drones flying around it searching. A dark and menacing giant figure carving its way through the forest.
“The next warstore!” Perry figured out.
“Ohh shit!” The stoned chorus sang out.
The warstore was grinding its way straight through the forest.
“Could one of those things even climb this hill?” Eric thought.
here, that’s for sure.”
“Who knows what that thing has up its sleeve.”
They watched it drive for probably a mile or two, then it stopped. The search
lights dimmed. The drones disappeared into the giant structure. It went dark.
“Ohh fuck.”
“Yea, what the fuck is it doing?”
They all watched in silence for a few long moments.
Perry said what they were all thinking,“What the fuck? It’s just gonna sit there
in the dark?”
“Recharging or some shit?” Tony thought.
“Maybe it needed to take a robo piss.” L joked. Perry laughed.
After a few more minutes it was obvious the warstore wasn’t going anywhere. There were a few tiny lights on the outside, it was hard to see from so far away. They stared at it for a bit longer.
“Let’s go.” Perry threw out.
“Where?” Tony asked.
“Down there, check it out.”
“Are you fucking crazy?” Eric said, trying to be the voice of reason.
“Yea, I am crazy. Let’s go. Leave the shit, just take the guns and lets go. It can’t be more than a few miles away.”
“I’ll stay here and watch the stuff while you go die.” Eric stated.
“That’s a long midnight walk.” Tony threw in. “But you know what, what else are we doing?”
“Yea!” Perry agreed.
Fozzie danced on two feet, she was in.
“If Fozzie’s going I’m going.” L said.
“Fuck!” Eric yelled, “What?” He shook his head, stood up, took off his shirt and wrapped it around his head. “Let’s go” “K Rambo.” L laughed.
“We’re going to “look” at the newest, greatest killing machine ever created.” He
stated in all seriousness. “Yea, I’m going all Rambo.” “Sweet”
And they were off on the midnight adventure to scout the warstore.
They walked for a long while, it was all downhill and in the dark. The way back would take much longer. It was around 1 or 2 AM Tony guessed by the moon. After a few miles of walking with the aid of gravity they approached the small clearing the warstore was “resting” at. It towered over the tops of the forest trees.
“Holy fuck, look at that thing.” Eric noted. They all stopped in their tracks to admire the massive machine, forged by combining the needs of consumerism and war. It looked like the best CG, taken straight out of a science fiction movie. A few lights blinked near the top, probably so planes wouldn’t crash into it at night. There were a few other lights, but it was obvious this thing was in some sort of night mode, not wanting to be seen. It had little guns scattered around the bottom, probably anti-personnel. Many of the weapons were hiding behind panels, they witnessed that first hand at the massacre, or sale, whatever you call it.
“Straight outta Terminator.” Perry whispered.
“HK’s aren’t that big man.” Tony corrected him.
“Straight outta Terminator… on crack!” Perry corrected his statement.
They moved from cover to cover, staying out of sight as often as possible. Finally they reached a tree line that encircled the warstore. There was no way to get closer without going out in full sight. No one wanted to do that. Each person had to split up and take cover behind individual trees. They sat looking at the giant machine as it rested, a medium humming sound emanating from it. Tony imagine how loud the thing must be when it was “On”.
“Ok, see it? Let’s go.” Eric had had enough.
They heard a whooshing sound, like a Star Trek door. From the middle front of
the warstore, a place they couldn’t see from their position, some red lights rolled out, like Terminator eyes, attached to some dark silhouettes.
Fozzie didn’t like it, she tried to leave. Tony held her collar tight.
The two silhouettes grew as they came in their direction. Everyone sat
motionless, in fear and awe. They finally entered enough light for them to see details. Two robots!
Eric looked over at L with his eyes open as wide as possible, possibly even wider than that. Everyone else was silent and unmoving.
One robot was tall and skinny, the other short and round.
The short one kind of looked like an off-road R2D2 mixed with a Mars lander. It had 6 wheels, they looked like they could run over nails all day and be fine. The body was the R2D2 looking part, wider than tall, so not a perfect circle. Short and squat, it probably had a low center of gravity. The head didn’t spin, but it looked like the “eyes” went all the way around, 360 vision. Its face had a few different lights, some blinking, mostly red, a few green, some scanning back and forth like Kit from Knight Rider. Along its body was many compartment looking shapes, no doubt it had retractable arms just like its Star Wars buddy. It seemed to have a scowl, if a robot can scowl.
The other was tall and lanky. If you had to pick a robot it resembled, it would
be a mix between IG-88 and a T-800 endoskeleton. But it was probably 10 feet tall. It walked bipedally, its feet were more like points than feet. Its IG-88 head swivelled, but it also looked like it had 360 vision. It had unusually long arms that hung below its knees, like a gorilla, even though the were skinny, like the entire robot. It moved in a jerky walk, slowly starting a step, then finishing it quickly and heavily. Not a graceful walk, but very non-human and intimidating.
The 2 robots walked in strange unison, scanning and staring around.
They had seen a lot of crazy stuff in their lives, but this was too much. Eric got a case of Space Madness, even though he wasn’t in space. Maybe it could be called Robot Madness, but he lost it. He took off running.
To the terror of the rest of Eric’s fellowship, both robots stopped and focused in
their direction. Fozzie scrambled to get free, twisting around and making too much noise, Tony let her go and she sped off, the same direction as Eric.
The small robot made a beep and dirt shot out from behind it as it peeled out on
the forest floor. Its body sank a bit and as it sped off it resembled more of an off-road dune buggy than its former self. The big robot bounded in long strides behind it. As the robot duo reached the forest edge, the big robot jumped up an amazing height and stuck its pointed feet in two different trees, both trees crunched, made loud snapping noises, lurched and almost collapsed. The tall robot was getting a better vantage point. It jumped again, this time to the ground, both trees it was using snapped and crackled down to the forest edge, their use done. The ground rumbled as it landed.
Perry, L and Tony looked back. The whole scene in view. Eric, running as fast
as possible, looking back over his shoulder every few steps. Tiny Fozzie running her motor as fast as it could go, making her own little wake of dirt. She was actually catching and passing Eric. Behind them, short robot was ripping through the forest, hitting bumps and catching air, but handling it like an expert kid on a R/C course he knew by heart. Tall robot bounding like the giant robot it was.
“What do we do?” L didn’t know.
“Go.” Perry took off, pulling his shotgun around and getting ready.
Tony took out one of his pistols and followed, L in stride. Tony thought about
firing at them, or shooting in the air to distract them. “Too dangerous” He thought. Tony and Perry ran next to each other for a second, “Ball three, baby.” they both thought.
“Fozzie!” L said worriedly.
The chase was unfolding in front of the group, Perry and Tony contemplating every second if they should shoot. But they were far enough away that a shotgun was useless and they were running so fast pistol fire would be inconsistent. Someone shot though. It sounded like a dart gun or something, an automatic dart gun. Puffs of dirt mixed with electricity popped near Fozzie.
“No!” L screamed and slowed down. L thought The Foz was go
ne. But she
wasn’t. Whatever they shot at her missed. The little bitch sped up, shifting into a gear no one knew she had, Fozzie passed Eric at the bottom of the hill.
“Damn you little bitch!”, Eric thought. There was no Juicy for Eric to outrun
and shift blame to this time. The robots closed on him, he was dead tired, a druggie running at full speed doesn’t last for very long. He was their new target.
The small robot continued zipping through the forest floor like a pro, leading the
chase, catching air over roots and bumps, but never losing control in any way. The tall robot strode behind it in heavy spikey steps.
The dart sound quickly went off three times again. Eric was hit mid stride and
dropped like a stiff bag of potatoes.
L stopped. Tony had stopped when he saw Eric fall, but then aimed his pistol and started running towards them when he saw Eric was still struggling. Perry was closing in also, shotgun in ready. They were still more than 100 feet away, but closing quick as Eric and the robots were no longer moving.
Eric was dazed from being tased, but he recovered quickly and tried to scramble
up the rock face at the bottom of the hill. He was quickly half way up, the R2D2 robot rolled up to the rocks, it could do nothing. Eric looked like he was out of their reach and about to scramble to safety over the edge. He looked over his shoulder, “Fuck you.” He thought. He made it.
The tall robot disagreed, and with an eerie length that seemed even beyond the
ten foot robot’s grasp it reached and grabbed Eric’s ankle before he could pull it over the edge. With scary effortlessness, the robot’s 4 fingers closed on his ankle. Even L heard the pop. Eric yelled in pain like a wild animal caught in a trap.
His now liquid ankle leaked through the robot fingers, red blood, white bone fragments and other purple and black tendons oozed through like pasta. The robot pulled Eric off the rock formation, he fell over ten feet and landed on his back with a thud and the terrible grunt of a human getting the wind knocked out of them. He kicked at the tall robot’s legs, it was as effective as a baby kicking a skyscraper. It stepped towards him with Terminator-like silent determinism.
Eric was still full of fight, he looked and saw Tony and Perry running towards them, guns drawn. This gave him some hope, and with a half breath yelled, “Fuck you!” He stood up on his one good foot and attempted to tackle the tall robot like a linebacker. The robot stood unaffected, but did have to adjust itself to the new position and grabbed at Eric’s body.
The Search for Ball Zero Page 9