Crying, Abram now put his arms around Poppa and held him.
Soon as he realized the door was closed up, realizing, what he just had borne witness to had in fact taken place - it was not just a nightmare. My father took out his handkerchief and wiped the blood from his face. Abram’s emotions could not be held in anymore; he sat down, his head between his legs, sobbing so excruciatingly hard, I could not stand hearing him be in so much pain as he was Abram’s mother cried along, pretty much identically to her son. I felt both their immense pain, and sadness for their loss. Every one of us in that boxcar understood their heartbreak, and most could truly identify with what they were going through. There was not one of us, who had not recently experienced at least one tragic loss of a family member, over those last three years. The war had altered us all, and those far taken too many innocent lives, managing to rob us of our innocence.
Marym thinking with her heart, as Momma would have done if she still were in our presence. Crying herself, she reached out to my mother-in-law, and held onto her. I went to Abram, and cuddled him with our daughter. I shall never stop thinking about that very painful cry they had. The only time anyone successfully produced such amount of painfulness in a cry, is when is sadly calling out to their lost love ones. It is truly heart-rending.
Suddenly this catastrophe began drudging up some of the most painful memories of losing my Momma. I remember not having a chance to mourn her passing in the manner in which I should I have, because we were fleeing for our lives. To this day, I have felt guilty that we never had a chance to bury her; she did not deserve to be left. I have been plagued with nightmares ever since.
We could hear the train’s whistle going off once, signaling that we were preparing to pull out of the station. The train then began lurching slowly and steadily forward. The engines wheels spinning around faster and faster, as they began building up traction with the steel tracks below. Then you could feel the train picking up more and more speed, the boxcar then gently began rocking back and forth. Though, it was not soothing in the slightest. In addition, the clanking sounds grew steady as the train reached cruising speed. The whistle went off occasionally.
Poppa, seeing that my Abram needed me, came over and took Abeila, so I could try to console him. He was still crying when I came to him. I had never seen him this upset like this before. I really wish there was something that I could do for him, if I could take all his pain away, I would. He and his father had been so close as father and son, closer than most fathers had and son’s are. They were as much as best friends were, as they were father and son. There was never a day that they did not chat - my Momma taught me how important a good line of communications was. My husband would need me now more than ever. And this was proving unfamiliar, uncharted territory for me, I guess I just need to find a way to try and comfort him. I prayed for God to help me. As he had helped me when I lost Momma.
The train rolled on through the rest of the day and then that night, making two addition stops along the way. One to take on water for the steam engine locomotive, and to pick up addition boxcars full of more Jews, adding cars to the train, but we were not let out – not even to stretch. No access to water, or food along the way either, I was glad for the meal we’d had the night before. And then that became two nights before.
Abram barely spoke to even me the rest of the day, he stared right past even me; it was painful to realize that this one time I was failing him. I could not make him feel better, as he was trying in his head to make some sort of sense of all this. Nevertheless, in his time of weakness, he did eventually turn to me and I was glad he had - relieved that he felt he could turn to me in his time of need. I had been giving him a little space prior to this, because when I had tried engaging with him, he just was silent ignoring me, it was not like him to ignore me. He was more vulnerable than I had ever bared witness in him before now, I had known him most of his life. And I had never seen him in so much pain. What I chose next on handling helping him I knew was not going to be so easy. Being there for one another, in sickness and health was what it was all supposed to be all about - it was our vows.
Neither of us had bothered sleeping. I really do not think either of us could have, if we had tried. I was afraid if I had, I might have had to dream, and if I dreamed, it would have probably been a nightmare. The image of my father-in-law being shot, and the pain in my husband. Then finally sometime in the heaviest part of the night, it was completely dark, when everyone else was asleep, other than a small amount of people here and there stirring about, He broke his silence, rather abruptly on me. Without any warning, he began opening up to me. I tried to just let him talk, not interrupting him. I just wanted him to express-whatever it was that was on his chest, and once he began opening up to me, so much pain had begun to pour out! I could hear the aching in his trembling voice. Every so often, he would begin to cry once more, as the thought of his father dying began creeping on in.
The only other time I had seen him cry in front of me was the night our daughter was born, and when we were little kids, that is it, that is why I was grateful he felt comfortable enough in me to let his emotions out in front of me. Abram was a strong, proud man, which had a hard time showing his vulnerabilities to me.
Morning snuck up on us both as we had withered away hours talking. As the rising sunlight began filtering in through the cracks in the boards. I realized, we had both lost track of time as our heart-to-heart had continued on most of the night. I sincerely think he was starting to feel slightly better about everything; at least he was talking, though deep down I knew it was not going to be that easy. It would in all likely end up taking him years until he felt better. Now he was refocusing his emotions from the loss of his father onto a completely new, unrelated worry, I saw what he was doing he was channeling his pain in a different unexpected direction.
Abram began bringing up the possibility that where it is the Nazis were taking us, might not be such a good place, we were all hoping for, in fact, it was clear suddenly he was worried about the safety of his family! The worry on his face said it all. That is when he ended up confessing to me about what he had overheard - and how it had been eaten him up on the inside having to keep it from me all this time.
“Hana I have to apologize to you,” he began.
“For what sweetie?”
“For holding something very important bad back from you, I have never kept such a big secret from you before, never. I just have not been able to find a good time or way to bring it up with you. Now it would seem I need to share with you, since there was no more time left. Its time you know what it is I know!”
I interrupted him with a nervous excitement in my voice, “What is it, what haven’t you told me?” I could tell he still did not feel comfortable sharing whatever it was, because he kept hesitating. Of course, I was thinking it was like another woman - or something of that nature. He then said, “So what I have heard, I had previously had a discussion with both your father, and mine when he was still alive,” He hesitated a moment, was a little cocked up, regained his composure and continued, “they both thought you hearing this should be coming from me would be better. They both asked me not to tell you until we were aboard the train, they know how you worry so, and your big heart tries to take on the world.”
I was mad that none of them had told me - they all knew but me, but I knew it had been for my own good. My family would never purposely go out of their way to hurt me. “Ok my husband you have kept this secret of you’re from me long enough now tell me what it is, please tell me!”
He smiled when he realized I was not mad at him, I think it had been killing him to be deceitful with me. And now with his father he could not take it any longer.
“Hana before I share with you my secret you have to know what I did was because I love you so much. Ok so the likely locations the Nazis ared taking us…well there’s is two possible choices it would seem was either going to be a “death-camp” where the soldier claims say that they try
working the prisoners to death building weapons. Trying to obtain as much work out of them, while barely feeding the people - just enough to keep them breathing, locked away. If one person dies then they just bring in more replacement prisoners.” I felt my mouth go dry, and my eyes widen in horror.
“Abram be frank with me, I want to know the truth about everything, you said there was two different locations, then what’s the other place their taking Jews?”
That is when he got extremely serious looking with me; He grew a bit pale suddenly, he grabbed hold of my hand.
“Ok the other place is called a “concentration camp.”
“What exactly is a concentration camp?”
He answered, “I could not believe it when I heard it myself, and I thought that there was no way. I could not believe the Germans could actually be doing such a cruel thing to another human being. I had to turn to God to give me strength through this. I found this out when I had misguidedly overheard some soldiers talking about all this in the factory where I work; I sure wish I had not. It seems one of the two soldier’s brothers is a soldier in one of these concentration camps called “Auschwitz,” and I guess there is now several of them set up throughout Poland, and Germany. They are planning to empty out all the Ghettos of Jews, and send them off to these new camps, let us just say a more permanent situation.”
He paused, looking into my eyes sorrowfully “During their conversation, one of the soldiers had asked the other, “What do they do at both camps? I had not heard of them before.” It seems even the average soldiers and the German people are kept out of the loop about Hitler’s final solution.”What the one soldier shared with the other soldier was unbelievably horrifying, “The concentration camp is where we are purposely being exterminating Jews from all walks of life. In unimaginable numbers, thousands, and thousands put to death every week!”
It was difficult to be hearing this; I started crying, and chatting. I stopped Abram, “Wait! Wait just a moment. I really could not believe what I am hearing!” I went as white as a ghost receiving this news! When he told me this, I was so sickened by the mirror though of this, that I ended up throwing up, in an empty pail - our stew had been in it earlier.
“Abram what are you talking about! Why would they want to do this in the first place, it cannot be true, please, it cannot be! I knew the Germans are cruel, and had it out for all Jews, but do you honestly think that they are actually conducting such atrocities against humanity - murdering so many each week the numbers would be staggering. Why, you know what that Hitler is trying to do? If I did not know any better, I would say he is trying to exterminate us. How are they going about doing this?”
Abram responded back, “I do not know a specific answer to your questions Hana! But anyways that is what they had said! And I do not think that they would lie about this. I pray however that it is a cruel joke, but we have not heard...” he trailed off, and looked over at Abelia, in my father’s arms.
Holding my head low, looking down at the boards that lay beneath my butt, I was crying, I had to face so much bad news in less than twenty-four hours - I was not sure I could not do it. I felt like I needed to scream out, hoping God would hear me, and come and save us. I was desperate, I was afraid for my daughter.
He then used both hands and then gently turned my head so he and I were looking eye-to-eye. I knew that what he was saying was quite difficult for him; I could appreciate why it was he had hesitated telling me, if the roles were reversed, I think I would have done the very same thing, spare the others feelings.
He then gently gave me a kiss, crying himself, his hands still on my cheek, “I love you my love, more that you could ever imagine Hana! So please just listen to me sweetie, I have to have you right now absolutely give your solemn word to me that no matter what ends up happening once we disembark and reach our destination, that you will fight on. You will continue, for Abelia. At the camp they end up taking us to, if in fact that is where we end up, whatever unfolds for us, you will not give up on me! Even if things get very ugly for all of us. You have to swear to me, that you will do everything in your power to survive, and then when this is all over with you can taste freedom once again. The Germans will fall, God willing.
Sweetie please, live your life to its fullest, even if, God forbid something happens to me. Will you promise me and to God you shall not give up; you may be greatly tested at every turn coming up? If anyone can do it, it is you Hana; you have to be the strongest person I have ever met in my entire life. Do not let them get in your head break you down. If you make this promise to me, than I will in turn promise you that I too will never give up, I will not let them get to me.”
I thought about what he was trying to say, and why it was he was saying it. That this was no game, I was not be taking it lightly, that he was only saying this to me because he loved me, and wanted me to survive all this muddle, and he’d been trying to protect me probably since the day I met him. I think that knowing I would not give up no matter what, that he could draw his own strength off of me. Maybe it even took some weight off his shoulders hearing me say those words. I could only imagine what it must be like for him. Holding this horrible secret, and losing his father.
“Hana we have to survive for Abeila, do whatever it takes, if not for ourselves! She will need her parents.”
When he said this, it made perfect sense to me! This just was not about me. I remembered my momma purposely gave her life to save her granddaughter. “Well he was absolutely right about everything, and think about what we had been through already, they had only conditioned us for things to come. And we had survived! We had thus far sampled the darkest in men, now I think we will be dished out the main course, and basically my dear husband wanted me to be as mentally prepared for all this! A great battle lay ahead for all of us - we were heading into a storm! “Our weapon shall be our faith in God. From this day forward, we should not take any more pity on ourselves. Do whatever it takes to survive.”
I smiled, “Ok honey I give you my word, I will never give up on you, or Abeila we will not let them get us, that is that!”
Realizing our time together was growing short, before our world was going to spin upside down. Not desiring to waste our time with one another. I then began kissing him passionately. I sensed this kiss was going to had to in fact had to last me if what he was saying was true, so it was going to had to be good. Why was I feeling that the last resemblance of my life was about to be ripped away from me unlike anything I had seen before. Nevertheless, I was not able to shake this horrible feeling. We both then began to pray!
“Honey, I think I should go tell my sister, I want her to know!”
Abram grabbed onto me hand stopping me before I could get up, “No please sweetheart she already knows. She’s known for a couple of days now. That is why it was so important to all of us to throw the party last night -why she had worked so hard on dinner. We all knew the importance of it.” I sat back down smiled, I was shocked by what I was hearing, and then I gazed over at Marym she promptly gazed back over at me. I understood that look of hers that smile. I whispered to her, “I love you mama!”
She replied, “I love you too sweetie!”
Even my own sister was trying to protect me, but that was be no surprise, she always had. The two of us sat side-by-side, holding hands. We laid Abeila in our two laps - her little body sprawled out equally over the both of us. Her head was now resting in her Daddy’s lap. He ran his hand gently –through her long brown hair, his fingers acting like a hairbrush. I began rubbing her tummy, and she always loved when I did that, I was sickened to feel how skinny my little girl was getting. I could fell all of her ribs.
Abelia was now awake, glad that her Mommy and Daddy were right with her. Her big puppy dog blue eye said it all, gazing up directly up at the both of us, realizing we were no longer it the apartment - she looked a little confused, gazing around. The three of us were together; we tried to make the best of the situation we now were currently found ou
rselves in. This was her second time to actually be riding on a train, but she was much too young to remember the last train ride we took. That also meant that she did not remember a time before war, which was sad for me to realize, - she would have no memories of peace, or memories of pictures of the town we all came from, or the farm her dad I left behind. The thought of our farm was becoming a more and more distant memory.
My daughter was certainly young, just under four years old, but she was quite smart for her tender age; she also innately inherited my appetite for curiosity. Her mind was waking up from her long slumber. Trying awfully hard to put the pieces of the puzzle - together. She reached up and brushed her daddy’s check. With studying eye’s, she looked unswervingly at her father, gazing up at his eyes - she was quite perceptive, she quickly picked up on her Daddy’s pain “What’s wrong Daddy, why are you so sad? Please do not be sad Daddy, are you sad we left our home? Can I make you happy Daddy, I can tickle you?”
War Torn Love Page 34