by Stella James
“Hey, Mackenzie!”
Fuck. I ignore him and reach for the driver’s side door but he jogs over and slams the door shut just as I open it.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says. “Just figured I should take it upon myself to remind you that you’re trash, that’s all.” His two buddies laugh behind him and he smirks looking me up and down.
“Is that all?”
“Doesn’t it piss you off? That everyone knows the only reason Prairie goes out with you is cause she feels sorry for you?”
I know he’s full of shit and I’d never take his word over Prairie’s. I know what she and I have together means something.
“Why do you give a shit? You think she’d rather be with you?” I take a step forward and when he backs up, I smirk. I’m bigger than this shithead and I could take him if I needed to. “You’re a spoiled little bitch,” I say. “Getting everything from Mommy and Daddy. I bet you’ve never worked a damn day in your life,” I snort. “Prairie doesn’t need someone like you, cause she’s got me.”
When I glance behind him, his friends are already backing up, heading back to the parking lot where they came from.
“I think your friends are leaving,” I say, nodding behind him. “Maybe you should too.”
He stares me down for a minute before he realizes the truth, that I could pulverize him with one hit. He turns and heads towards his friends but not before he mutters something about me being a piece of shit nobody. I let him go. I don’t care what he thinks or what anyone thinks, really. I know I’m not good enough for Prairie, doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying to be.
When I get home and pull into the driveway, all the lights are on and I can see my mom and Brad at the kitchen table. I walk in and glance over just as he leans his head down to the table and snorts a line of blow. Usually they just stick to weed, but he must have gotten his disability check today and could afford something better. Disability. Five years ago a forklift ran over his foot. Now he’s just plain too lazy to work. I keep walking and head for the bathroom so I can take a shower. Brenda is out of it, leaning back in her chair with her eyes closed. I don’t know what she’s on but whatever it is, she’s not here that’s for sure.
“Ain’t you gonna say hello?” he says as I pass.
I keep my mouth shut and curl my hands into fists, trying to keep my breath calm. You’re better than this, I tell myself.
“Hey! I’m talkin’ to you, you fuckin’ prick,” he seethes, shoving his chair back. It hits the floor and I turn around as he strides towards me. Brenda still has her eyes closed.
I back up against the wall and shove him off of me as he grips the collar of my T-shirt. Don’t hit him, think of Prairie. He cocks his fist back and hits me in the ribs. I bend over, my breath wheezing out. He pulls me back up but before he can take another shot, I shove him hard and he hits the other wall. He tries to push off but stumbles down onto his ass. And then he starts laughing.
I want to hit him until he stops breathing.
Prairie.
Think of Prairie.
I step around him and head for the front door. I slam it shut behind me and keep walking. I don’t take the truck because I can hardly see past my rage. I can hear him shouting behind me as I head for the field.
“You ain’t better than nobody! You fucking faggot!”
I keep walking and I don’t stop until I can unclench my fists and breathe again.
*
I know I shouldn’t be here, but I can’t help myself. I need to see her. I need to feel her and be around something good.
I tap on the window lightly at first, but it’s really late and she’s probably dead asleep and can’t hear me. I tap a little harder, breathing into my hands to try and warm them up while I wait. A second later, she turns on her bedside lamp and slides the curtains open and then the window. I step up on the block and slide through but she must sense something’s wrong because instead of crawling back into bed, she stands with her arms wrapped around herself. Watching me.
“Is everything okay?” she asks quietly.
“Yeah,” I lie. “I just wanted to see you. Come on.”
I tug her hand gently and lead her back to the bed, letting her slide in first. I kick off my boots and lie down beside her, breathing in the smell of her hair when she buries herself against my chest.
“Sometimes I wish we could run away,” she says, eventually. “We could just leave and go somewhere beautiful.”
“You’d miss your mom,” I point out.
“Yeah. But we could send her a postcard and she could come visit.”
“Where would we go?”
“Hawaii?”
“I’d go to Hawaii with you,” I reply truthfully.
“I know you would.”
She leans back and smiles up at me before she presses her mouth to mine. She rests her head on my shoulder and lets go of a sigh, tracing her fingertips along my arm. I glance at her open closet door and notice a dress hanging from the top of the door. It’s long and light blue and it kind of shines in the light.
“What’s that for?” I ask with a nod.
“Oh,” she hesitates. “My mom got it for me from one of the ladies at the church. She thought I might wanna wear it to the dance, but I told her we weren’t going.”
“Do you wanna go?” I ask.
“No, it’s fine. I know it’s probably not your thing, and I don’t even know if it’s my thing anymore either, to be honest.”
I sit up slowly and pull her up with me, holding her hand in mine. She’s right, a school dance is definitely not my thing. But I don’t want her to miss out because of me.
“Prairie, will you go to the Winter Formal with me?”
“Oh stop, we don’t have to go,” she laughs.
“I wanna see you in that dress,” I tell her. “So, let’s go.”
“Are you sure?”
“I love you,” I say. “Yes, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” she smiles. “I love you too.”
I fall asleep shortly after she does, wishing for the first time in my life that time could freeze and I could stay right where I am.
Chapter 7
Prairie
“I think we have to pin it, honey,” my mom says from behind me. “Your boobs just aren’t as big as Norah’s granddaughter’s.”
“Please don’t talk about my boobs Mama, it’s weird.”
“Oh shush,” she laughs. “Hold it in place and I’ll find a couple safety pins.”
I look up at my reflection and can’t help but smile. Even if I have to be pinned into a second-hand dress, I can’t wait for Logan to see me. The light blue fabric falls in a smooth curtain around my legs and stops right at the floor so I don’t have to try and stumble around in heels. And once I get the rest of it to fit properly, the beaded spaghetti strap top will hug what boobs I do have. I used extra conditioner in my hair today and a curling iron to smooth my wild waves into big, bouncy curls that fall just past my shoulders. Logan always tells me he likes my hair down, so I’m leaving it this way just for him. I’m wearing more makeup than I normally do and even managed to copy a look from a magazine. I still look like me, but my eyelids have a bit of shimmer on them and I used a soft black pencil to outline them. The same shimmer I have on my eyelids is dusted along my cheekbones too.
“Here we go,” my mom says, taking the fabric from my grip behind me. She pulls it tight and sticks in a couple pins to keep it in place. When she’s done, she steps back and I twirl side to side so I can see.
“Thanks Mama.”
“You’re beautiful, honey,” she replies, swiping below her eye.
“Mama, don’t cry,” I beg. “It’s just the Winter Formal, it’s not even a big deal.”
“It is so a big deal. You and Logan are going to have a great time.”
I reach for the small matching purse sitting on my desk and shove a tube of lip gloss and my house keys into it. There’s a knock
at the door and my stomach is suddenly in knots.
“I’ll get it,” my mom sings as she leaves my bedroom.
I take a deep breath and reach for my jacket hanging on the back of my chair. I smooth down my dress one more time and glance at the back to make sure I can’t see the pins before I turn off the light and head out to the living room. Logan’s standing just inside the door and the second he sees me, I wish I could take a picture of his smile and keep it forever.
“Hi,” I say quietly.
My mom backs out of the way and squeezes my shoulder when she walks by. “Not too late, okay?”
“Okay.”
It feels like time slows down as I walk towards Logan. I can smell his soap the closer I get and when I peel my eyes from his and look him up and down, he shuffles nervously. When I’m close enough, I reach for the collar of his black dress shirt and straighten his red tie. His black pants are pressed and it looks like he cleaned his boots too.
“Is this okay?” he asks. “Dusty lent me all of it.”
“You look great,” I beam.
He takes my hand and spins me around slowly. “I knew I wouldn’t regret asking to see you in this dress,” he says. “You’re beautiful babe.”
“Thanks.”
“Okay, just one picture,” my mom interrupts. “Come stand in front of the window and smile.”
Logan wraps his arm around my waist and I rest my hand on his chest. We end up looking at each other just as the camera flashes.
I’m never gonna forget tonight.
*
When we get to the school gym, Logan takes our jackets and I wait for him along the edge of the dance floor. Cardboard stars painted in gold and silver hang from the rafters, along with white twinkle lights and large glittery snowflakes. The gym is pretty crowded, more so than it usually would be. Because Redemption is so small, the high school often invites the kids from Edison to attend our functions. They bus them in and take them home afterwards which makes the effort of a dance far more worth it than if it was just our student population. Emily spots me from across the room and waves me over to her and Josh, but I feel Logan’s hand on my hip and his mouth near my ear, distracting me.
“So, this is a school dance huh?”
“Pretty fancy, isn’t it?”
“What do we do first?”
Just then, Breathe by Faith Hill begins to play. “Dance?”
“I probably suck,” he warns.
“Everyone here sucks.”
I tug him gently onto the dance floor and when he pulls me tightly into his arms, everything else fades away. He continues to hold me close and I swear we’re hardly moving but it feels like I’m floating. I lean back a little bit and look up at him.
“Thanks for doing this with me.”
“I’d do anything for you Prairie,” he says. And I know it’s the truth.
Before I can raise up on my toes and sneak a kiss, I feel something wet splash on my back and Logan’s pulling me behind him.
“What the fuck is your problem?” he growls at Josh, who’s holding an empty cup and swaying on his feet. Emily is beside him trying to lead off the dance floor.
“My problem? What the fuck is your problem?” he shoots back. “Acting like you’re some fucking prize. You’re nothing but white trash shit.”
“Shut the hell up, Josh,” I say. “You’re drunk and you don’t know a damn thing.”
“I know that you need to learn your place you fucking bitch. Thinking you’re too damn good for Redemption. Just like your fucking loser dad.”
“Josh, please, let’s just go,” Emily pleads.
“What the fuck did you just say to her?” Logan demands.
Before Josh can repeat himself, Logan pulls his arm back and cracks him in the jaw. Josh stumbles back into Emily who immediately pulls him in the opposite direction from us. He turns back and shouts something but I can’t hear him above the music. I reach for Logan’s hand when I see Mr. Lewis making his way over to us.
“Come on, we have to go.”
We dart through the crowd and grab our jackets before we leave the school and start for Logan’s truck. My blood is boiling and I’d love to find Josh and tell him all about his own dad and the shady deals he’s been rumoured to make just to keep his farm afloat. But the tension in Logan’s arm around me reminds me that I’m right where I need to be.
We silently get into the truck and it isn’t until we’re on the dirt road and heading past the town limits that I finally speak.
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that,” I say. “Josh is an asshole, please don’t let him ruin our night.”
I realize Logan is heading for the swimming hole and I keep my hand in his until he parks the truck and turns off the engine.
“I’m sorry I lost my temper,” he says, eventually. “I shouldn’t have hit him.”
“He deserved it,” I insist, unbuckling my seat belt and sliding over to him. “Please look at me.”
When Logan turns to face me, there’s so much shame in his eyes and I hate it.
“I love you, Logan.”
“I love you,” he says, pulling me close. “It scares me how much I love you.”
“You don’t ever have to be scared. I’m here with you because I wanna be.”
“I guess I ruined the dance,” he sighs.
“I don’t care where we are, as long as we’re together.”
He turns the key and presses the button on the old cassette player. Hello Darlin’ by Conway Twitty spills from the speakers. Last week, my mom and I were digging through what’s left of my dad’s things, we like to do that once in awhile. I found the old tape at the bottom of the box and gave it to Logan as a pre-Christmas gift. He laughed when I handed it to him but when I told him it was my dad’s, he put it in and we’ve been listening to it ever since.
“Come on,” he opens his door and helps me down as I gather up the bottom of my dress. He leaves the door open so we can hear the music and guides me to the even patch of gravel in front of the truck. I wrap my arms around his neck as his hands settle on my lower back. I rest my head on his chest and feel my nose tingle.
Of all the wonderful things in the world that I could have, I know that nothing will ever compare to being in Logan’s arms beneath the stars.
Chapter 8
Prairie
I take the tray of homemade buns out of the oven and set them on the counter while my mom slices up the small ham she picked up on sale last week. There’s a knock on the door and I know it must be Logan so I take off the oven mitts and smooth down my red dress as I make my way across the kitchen. My mom and I already exchanged gifts this morning. She got me the dress I’m wearing now and a really soft white cardigan, which I’m also wearing. When Emily and I went shopping, I managed to find some good deals in the clearance section at Target. I picked up some bubble bath and matching lotion for my mom and a new hoodie for Logan. Our Christmas might be small and our meal isn’t anything fancy, but I know Logan will appreciate it and that makes me happy.
I open the door and wrap my arms around him as soon as he comes in. His hair is still a bit wet and he smells like aftershave, my knees go weak instantly. The Winter Formal was almost a week ago and I still smile every time I think about that night. It was perfect. Minus our run in with Josh, obviously. I was worried that Logan would be in trouble the next day at school but Mr. Lewis must not have seen the entire thing that night because he never said anything. Thankfully Emily somehow managed to keep Josh on a leash for the last few days until school let out for the holidays. I could feel his beady eyes glaring at us now and then in the hallway or in the cafeteria but Logan let it go and so did I.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I smile.
“Me too,” he says.
“Let the boy get through the door, Prairie,” my mom scolds, embarrassing me. “Merry Christmas, Logan.”
“Merry Christmas Mrs. B-“
“Nope,” she objects. “I keep telling you to call
me Kim, and that’s exactly what you’re going to give me for Christmas.”
She wipes her hands on her apron and pulls him into a tight hug before she leads him over to the couch and passes him the small envelope from under the tree that has his name on it.
“This is for you sweetie,” she says.
He looks embarrassed and she must notice because she turns and heads back into the kitchen, giving him privacy to open it.
“Your mom didn’t have to get me anything,” he says.
“She wanted to!” my mom calls back.
He opens it up and finds the prepaid fuel card tucked inside of the red and white Christmas card. It isn’t much and probably not even enough to fill his gas tank, but my mom insisted on him having something from her.
He looks over at me and then back to her in the kitchen. “Thank you,” he says. “You really didn’t have to.”
She waves him off as she replies, “You’re welcome, and I know I didn’t have to.”
Me and Logan agreed the other day that we would exchange our gifts later on in private once my mom leaves to go help serve people dinner at the church. They always put on a meal for anyone who might need it and since we rely on their goodwill bins when it comes to shopping, my mom volunteers her time as much as she can to give back.
I grab us each a soda from the fridge and set the table for the three of us. We eat and talk, my mom asks Logan how Gary’s treating him at the shop and she asks him a bit about his plans to apprentice back in Drayton after graduation. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about us being apart after we graduate. He’s says we’ll make it work, and I want to believe him. I try not to think about that now, since it’s the holidays and I don’t want to make him worry by seeing how worried I am. It feels like a real family dinner and Logan fits right in. I haven’t seen my mom this happy on a holiday since my dad died.
When we’ve finished eating and cleared the table, my mom packs up the leftovers and leaves the dishes for us.