“What?” I ask him in a loud voice.
He shrugs.
“But it’s not true! You’re fine as you are!” I can’t believe that he feels less than perfect...
“Not by too much, only a couple of kilos,” he says shaking his head.
“Andrea please…” I catch up and pull his sleeve to make him turn towards me. “You’re perfect as you are! What are you saying?” I say, incredulous, doing my best to convince him with my expression and tone.
He gazes at me for a moment before saying, “What would you tell me if I told you that you are perfect as you are too?”
I take back my hand, immediately on the defensive. “I’d tell you that you were absurd, because I am objectively overweight, while you are objectively perfect.”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant… And anyway you haven’t ever seen me without any clothes.”
And thank God! I think almost desperately. Already as it is it’s difficult to keep in mind that he’s practically Linda and out of my league. If I had seen him without clothes it would be impossible.
That’s not what I say. What I say is, “Andrea, according to the charts done by the crème de la crème of science, I am overweight by at least twenty kilos, you, still according to these charts, are perfect. What do you think a couple more kilos will do?” I pause and then add, with a small note of disappointment in my voice, “I didn’t think you were one of those people who gets obsessed with the tiniest details…”
He snaps around. “I’m not obsessed!” He answers with a certain heat. “I certainly don’t make a sickness out of it, but, since I feel a little hollow here,” he indicates his upper torso, mostly his pectorals, “and since you were beginning a program… I thought I’d do one with you, in a certain sense, with my own objective.” After a second he adds, “But I can also not do it. I’m fine like this too.”
At this point I burst out laughing. “I’m fine”… one of his nicknames is the “Sun God” and he says, “I’m fine”… this guy is crazy, poor thing.
“What are you laughing about?”
I shake my head. “Do me a favor, don’t do anything. You are not hollow at all, you’re all muscle. You’re absolutely fine as you are, don’t create problems for yourself where there are none,” I tell him seriously. “I thought there was a sort of minimum weight for the Iron…” I add after a bit. “If I had known before where your idea was coming from, I would have advised you against it, not encouraged it!”
He steals a glance at me, then bursts out laughing. “A minimum weight for the Iron…” He shakes his head and laughs again. “I’ve never met anyone so ignorant about sports in my life!”
“Hey!” I say with a fake frown.
He begins to run and I follow him.
“I have to tell you something,” he says, all smiles.
“Another thing?”
He laughs softly, mysteriously. “Yes.”
“I hope it’s more intelligent than the last thing you told me.”
He laughs, then drops the bomb. “I’m in love.”
Oh crap… I knew it…
I look straight ahead, I can’t help swallowing – I hope he doesn’t notice – and I can’t manage to look at him.
“I’m smitten.”
Fine. No, really fantastic.
“I’m madly in love.”
Ok, kill me with a knife, you’ll save time.
Forget “Andrea is practically Linda”… The mantra can be dumped.
“Aren’t you going to ask me who?” He says vaguely impatient when he sees I won’t open my mouth.
I look at him and see him looking at me with a half-smile on his lips, his cheeks a little red and his eyes of ice shining. “Well… frankly I don’t think I know her…”
I hope I don’t know her…
“You know her.”
Indeed. “Oh…”
“Well? You’re not curious? You’re not going to ask me who?”
It can only be Linda or Rosy. I don’t know which option would be worse. I don’t want to do a guessing game. He can tell me himself since he’s dying to do so. When they talk about the death of the heart… “With who?”
He smiles and triumphantly announces, “With Lisbeth Salander.”
I jerk around with my eyes popping and then burst out laughing. “You said you had to do your thesis! That you didn’t have time to read!”
He shakes his head. “In fact, I should have, but…”
“But when did you get it?” I interrupt him.
He makes a contrite face. “Almost immediately. And it was a mistake, but I was too curious…” He shakes his head. “You’re good… Really good…” He observes me with a sort of stupefied admiration. “How did you know that I’d like it? I can’t stop myself… those books are like a drug… and luckily I got all three together, so when one’s finished I go right to the next.”
“All three together?” I ask dumbfounded. “You went to the bookstore and bought all three at the same time?”
He nods as though it is the most natural thing in the world. “You recommended I read the trilogy, not one of the three.” Precise, as usual. Almost annoying in his fastidiousness in everything he does. “When I saw how big they were, in effect I thought you were a little crazy… But then I began the first…”
He doesn’t finish the sentence. “I know.”
“You know, the first is different from the other two,” he says while looking ahead, staring with concentration at something he isn’t really seeing. “The other two are more… cerebral, I’d say.”
I open my mouth without closing it again. “But… you’ve already gone through all three?”
“No, I’ve just started the third.”
I laugh.
“Don’t recommend anything else until I graduate!”
I laugh again.
“And Lisbeth… Ah, Lisbeth…” He says with a dreamy air.
I am seriously entertained. “I know, she had the same effect on me.”
He turns to me. “Really? And Mikail?”
I look at him as though I were offended. “Mikail? Naaahh! A middle-aged man - conceited - who behaves like an eighteen year old boy in his relationships? He’s not my type!” I say firmly.
“And what is your type then?”
“Oh, my type…” I pretend to think about it, but I’ve had the answer ready for almost ten years. “My type is Mr. Darcy. The most perfect man ever created by the human mind.”
Andrea raises an eyebrow. “Is this another book? It hasn’t anything to do with the Millenium trilogy…”
“No, it’s another book. It’s Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.”
“I told you no more books until I graduate!” He reprimands me, but with a smile on his lips.
I laugh. “But I’m not suggesting this one for you… It would be a stretch, for a man.”
We go on chatting like this until the end of the workout. At the moment of stretching I throw myself on the ground, wrecked (also because today was the first time I’ve run for fifteen minutes in a row) and I beg him, “Andrea… please, don’t ruin my day, let me do my stretching from a distance…”
He doesn’t comment. He remains in his place and talk as though I hadn’t opened my mouth. “I was thinking that we could add a new sport, just to vary the workout a little.
“Oh,” I answer, nodding. “Ok. What?”
“Swimming. It’s a really complete sport.”
Yeah, great, you’ll never see me in a bathing suit. “Ok, but I’ll go alone.”
He regards me in silence before saying slowly, “But how are you going to go alone when I’m supposed to teach you?”
“But I know how to swim,” I answer as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
He straightens up and stops. He stares at me in silence, suddenly serious.
I straighten up in turn, holding his gaze.
“It seems to me that you said…” He speaks in a slow, threatening voice, tipping
his head slightly, “the first day, that you didn’t know how to do anything… that you had never done anything in your life…”
Calmly I answer, “I lied.”
“You lied,” he repeats, staring at me with those damned blue headlights.
I nod.
He remains with his mouth open for a second before saying, “Why?”
I don’t answer.
Almost immediately he rolls his eyes skyward and puffs, then sighs noisily, “You won’t answer, right?”
I smile at him sweetly. He looks up and says, “Lord, give me the strength to not hit her…”
“Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it. But you aren’t coming.”
He looks at me, astonished. “But if I don’t know how you swim!”
“What do you care how I swim? Give me a number of laps and that’s it!”
“You might do it badly,” he says crossing his arms on his chest.
“I do it very well.”
He doesn’t answer.
“And then, I can’t pay you for another one or two times… You’re expensive.”
He opens his mouth. “I’m not expensive at all! The amount you pay is ridiculous for a personal trainer!”
“Andrea, you still aren’t coming,” I say slowly, mirroring his tone from before. “Either it’ll be like this or I won’t do it at all – you choose.”
He pulls himself up. “Do you think you’re getting back at me by doing this?” Just afterwards he shakes his head, closing his eyes. “Ok, ok, forget it. It’s useless to argue for two hours when I already know we’ll get nowhere because you’re as stubborn as a piece of marble.”
I smile as though he had complimented me.
He sighs. “I’ll prepare a program and I’ll get it to you the next time…”
“Good.”
“But if you use your arms wrong, if you don’t do the correct movement and you keep repeating it...”
“I’ll do it right, don’t worry.”
Huffing, he finishes stretching and we say our slightly chilly goodbyes.
***
Today I spent the afternoon with Linda. Now I’m accompanying her to the twins’ house. We often do this on Sundays to spend a little time alone, then around six I accompany her to Marco’s house. She’s begging me to come in and say hi to him for two seconds, since it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.
“For heaven’s sake, he’ll have been happy to not see my ugly face for a while,” I say laughing.
“Please!” She pulls me by the sleeve.
I park and get out. I’ve put on a pair of pants that I wouldn’t be able to fit into. I bought them a couple of years ago in too small a size – one of those absurd purchases made with the sole purpose of giving myself an incentive to lose weight. They didn’t inspire anything, they were put in a corner of the wardrobe and forgotten. Today, while I was getting ready to go out with my friend, I remembered them and wanted to see if they fit me… The feeling of wearing them and zipping them up was indescribable. They are black, and to be truthful, they aren’t anything special. Their specialness was in the fact that they didn’t fit me, which made them immediately beautiful that day.
While we head towards Marco’s room, we run into Nic. “Olly!” He says immediately.
“Hi Nic!”
“It’s been a while since you’ve been here!”
“Well, hi!” Says Linda feigning resentment.
“Will you stay for a bit?” Nic asks me without replying to Linda.
“Ah no, I just came to accompany her and say hi to Marco, then I’m going.”
Nic crosses his arms. “To say hi to Marco, and me?”
I raise an eyebrow. “But I see you every Thursday!”
“Lucky her!” Grumbles Linda.
“Well, why don’t you come over anymore?” Asks Nic, giving Linda just a glance.
I shrug my shoulders. “I’m just a little busy, and at times, when I’ve finished everything, I’m tired and I want to stay home.”
Nic smiles. “He’s keeping you busy, eh?” He chuckles, shaking his head and there’s no need to mention a name to know who he’s talking about.
I roll my eyes, huffing theatrically. “You can say that again!”
The truth is that without Andrea, doing sports is still really hard. In fact I should have gone to the pool two times a week the last three weeks since he gave me the program, and instead I’ve been once, shamelessly lying to him when he asks me about swimming. I was just telling this to Linda today, and she generously offered to come with me to encourage me.
Nic looks me up and down. “Well, he’s doing a great job…” His tone is strangely mischievous. Nic’s tone being naughty isn’t at all unusual, on the contrary, it’s perfectly normal; I’ve heard it a hundred times, the weird thing is that it’s directed at me…
Linda doesn’t limit herself to sarcastic comments, she actually punches him in the arm.
He gives her a dark look without saying anything and massages his bicep, which she hit with a certain amount of vehemence. I think some non-verbal message is passing between them which I can’t understand and that Linda will have to explain to me immediately, as soon as we’re alone.
Nic goes back to looking at me, still holding his arm with his hand. “He’s really pleased… He’s really enthusiastic about the work he’s doing with you.” Again, we know who we’re talking about. “And you can’t fault him…” He adds in a low voice and, seeing Linda moving towards him, steps back raising his hands. “Stop! You’re tough for someone so small, you wrecked my arm!”
Linda huffs.
“I’m pleased too, really very happy,” I say hurriedly to get them to quit and I take two steps towards Marco’s room. “I’ll always be grateful to you for having introduced us.”
I take Linda by the arm to drag her towards me and go, but Nic smiles and speaks again, just as we’re passing him. “He always talks about you, all the time I’d say.”
I freeze and look at him with raised eyebrows, while my heart, after a somersault in midair followed by a triple twisted dive, gives way to frantic beating. I hope no one has noticed, but it’s closed up in my ribcage and shouldn’t be difficult to hide if I can manage to control my breathing.
Nic laughs a squeaky high laugh, shaking his head. “It’s almost embarrassing!”
I can’t manage to formulate any coherent answer because I’m too busy trying to breath normally, but he continues, saving me the trouble. “Yesterday evening, for example, I had to reel him in… He was numbing the girls we went out with talking about your progress and what he intended to have you do in the future, the heights he wanted to reach and the ones that you can achieve…” He shakes his head.
“Oh…” I let go of Linda’s arm. I wouldn’t like her to feel me tremble.
“My date,” Nic continues smoothly, “was completely fine – she knew I’d keep her occupied, but his…” He bursts out with a hearty laugh, shaking his head. “Poor girl! You should have seen her face!”
Nic laughs to himself and I struggle to find something to say, but it’s difficult to speak up without air in your lungs and your heart stopped.
“She didn’t dare say anything, but if she was understanding at the beginning and tried to take part in the conversation, after an hour and a half of ‘Olly this’ and ‘Olly that’ she couldn’t pretend to be interested anymore in what you could or couldn’t do at the beginning and what you can do now, etc...” Nic interrupts himself to laugh between one phrase and the next. Evidently he finds this terribly amusing even if I can’t see anything comical about any part of this story.
“I had to take him to the men’s room and tell him straight out that he was messing up the date and to quit speaking about you… I had to tell him! Can you believe it? And usually he’s an intelligent guy…” He shakes his head with an astonished air and a half sneer on his lips. “When we returned he kept his mouth shut and the girl finally relaxed. Too bad there was no way to
get him to open it again.”
This last part, despite my actual near-death physical state, makes me smile. “At best, he was offended…” I say in a low voice.
Nic nods theatrically and laughs again. “Exactly!”
I furrow my brows, trying my best to seem indifferent. “If I have to be truthful though, I didn’t think he was one of those…”
In a flash, Nic becomes almost serious. “One of what?” And even Linda turns to look at me.
“One of those people who always talks about work!”
Nic bursts out laughing and Linda just smiles. I’m afraid I haven’t been clever enough to fool her…
Frankly, I haven’t been clever enough even for myself. I’ve become so good at listening to my emotions and my reactions to not realize now that all this time my mantra hasn’t worked for crap. I’ve fallen in head first, despite myself. Seeing him so often, speaking as though we were friends and as though we’d see each other if I weren’t paying him… Joking together and seeing him smile… His almost perennial kindness – because, besides that day he lost his temper, he has always treated me well… What was I thinking? That something was starting? His kindness is just good manners, and when we see each other he’s working. Good grief, he’s working. I’m so stupid, how did I manage to fall for him? Despite all my precautions, how did I do this? I have no right to feel betrayed when he goes out with other girls… No right. And this is the saddest thing about all this pain. I’d like to not see him anymore – it would be the best thing to do. Yes, for my heart it would be the best thing, but for the rest of my body it wouldn’t, and that’s the real problem. I don’t want to give up now, when for the first time I’m getting there…
“How’s Gianca doing?” I pop out suddenly, surprising myself. My malfunctioning brain must have dragged up an idea that died several weeks ago. Perhaps dying the day I met Andrea, but let’s not quibble.
Nic neither laughs nor smiles, but straightens up, seeming suddenly taller. And even if I’m not looking, I can feel Linda’s utter stillness. Neither of them speak for a few seconds and I breathe, trying to calm myself. Gianca wasn’t even part of the discussion, and that alone would be something that would attract attention. And then, throwing out him after the story of their foursome evening… I might as well have told Nic that I wanted to go out with Gianca because Andrea went out with someone. I could punch myself.
Training in Love Page 9