But y'all have fun now, hear?
Christmas begins about the first of December with an
office party and ends when you finally realize what you
spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.
—P. J. O'ROURKE
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past
forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't
like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job
the next day.
—PHYLLIS DILLER
Well, he keeps telling me he wants “skinny jeans”
so…Cheese of the Month Club.
—LIZ LEMON, ABOUT PETE'S SECRET SANTA GIFT,
30 ROCK
8 Christmas Things Not to Say to Your Boss
1. Did you get anything under the tree?
2. I think your balls are hanging too low.
3. Check out Rudolph's honker!
4. Santa's sack is really bulging.
5. Lift up the skirt so I can get to the bottom.
6. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
7. From here, you can't tell if they're real or artificial.
8. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
Jane Hathaway: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts! Milburn Drysdale: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.
—THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
At an Office Party, Remember…
You are not a stripper.
You are not the “life of the party.”
You are not James Bond.
You are not the world's greatest lover.
The boss's wife is not hot for you.
Suggesting a threesome is not a good idea.
It is not cool to drink out of your shoe.
Photocopying your buttocks, drilling a hole in the wall to the ladies’ room, and shoving crudites into the mail slots will never be funny.
Peeing on a computer is a FEDERAL offense.
Fashionably late is just late.
Your snowman sweater is just dumb, not ironic.
Ditto for your reindeer antler headband.
Ranting about “The True Meaning of Christmas” could6 get you beaten up in the parking lot.
6 (and should)
At the Christmas office party, you're supposed to sit
naked on the copier machine, not the shredder.
—DAVID LETTERMAN
Yikes. You moon one person at an office party and
suddenly you're not “professional” anymore?
—ANONYMOUS
There's always some amount of gradual, slow burning
destruction over the course of partying.
—GAVIN DEGRAW
Partying is such sweet sorrow.
—ROBERT BYRNE
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What NOT to Say at Office Xmas Parties
Man, your wife is smokin’ hot—bet you get a ton of UPS deliveries.
You are so NOT the bitch your husband made you out to be.
Yes, you're definitely nicer when you're drunk. Maybe you should keep a bottle in your desk?
Your girlfriend's a really good dancer. Have you gotten her a pole for at home yet?
No, I'm pretty sure the tinsel would look better on you than the tree.
I'd love to hear “O Tannenbaum” sung again…in German. Reminds me of the rallies in the old country.
Do your kids ever ask why Santa smells like gin and onion dip?
I agree. This picture of you and the boss is gonna rock on Facebook.
Hey, you put a candy cane in a martini and you can barely taste the booze!
You know what would be cool? Taking off our clothes and wrapping ourselves in gift paper. Wanna?
When I screw up at this time of year, I just say, “Santa made me do it!”
William Phelps, marking exam papers shortly before Christmas one year, came across a curious answer to one of his more perplexing questions: “God only knows the answer to this question. Merry Christmas.” Phelps returned the paper with the following annotation: “God gets an A, you get an F. Happy New Year!”
Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.” So Phyllis is basically saying, “Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth.” I gave Ryan an iPod.
Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod. but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, two grand.
Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people, and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
—THE OFFICE
6 Ways to Drive Your Cube Mate Crazy
1. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
2. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.
3. Make conversation out of Christmas carols. (i.e., “You know, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)
4. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your colleagues “give it a yank.”
5. Ring jingle bells every fifteen minutes, saying “Every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings.”
6. Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in your cubicle. When your officemate asks, tell her, “I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn.”
It's a Job, OK?
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the United States—and one Kriss Kringle.
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one doll for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333- ton sleigh: 214,206—plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound. At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flames instantaneously.
Of all mall Santa applicants, 7% were discovered to have criminal backgrounds.
Among Americans, 4% believe Santa drives a sports car in the off-season, but 25% thinks he drives an SUV.
A guy wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he makes his way downstairs, where his wife puts some coffee in front of him. He moans, “Tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Worse,” she says, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He's an asshole. Piss on him.”
“You did,” comes the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” says the man.
“I did. You're back at work on Monday.”
Christmas is over and business is business.
—FRANKLIN PIERCE ADAMS
Symbols
(SANTA)
IN WHICH THE AUTHOR EXPLORES THE RITES AND
FOIBLES OF THE HOLIDAYS AND FINDS THEM RICH FOR
MOCKING—EXAMINES THE LEGEND OF THE FAT MAN
IN THE RED SUIT—PUTS THE CONCEPT TO THE LITMUS
TEST—AND ULTIMATELY FINDS IT LACKING<
br />
THE ONE QUESTION THAT has always plagued the holidays, the conundrum wrapped inside an enigma surrounded by a mystery is…Is Santa Claus real? Nobody knows, but man, a lot of people do believe in him. An overweight Caucasian guy with a long white beard, dressed in funny red clothes who is fond of children.
And, they argue, if he wasn't real, would we still be talking about him? Hard to counter.
So what DO we know? Some say that before he became Santa as we know him, he may have been Saint Nicholas, a fourth-century bishop. If this is correct, Santa is now 1,700 years old. Looks good, right? How has he lasted so long?
Could he be…happy? Well, he has the best job in the world. He works ONE day a year. He travels. He eats lots of cookies. And when he does actually work, he's got a million elves to help him, then spends the rest of the year chillin’ with the Mrs…. Sweet deal, no?
Hey, but not everybody believes, and here's the classic snark to prove it.
Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with
the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth.
Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of
childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the
national currency.
—CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides
the fact that both have the same amounts of the same
letters. Just consider the many other similarities
between the two figures: Both of them are red, both
of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to
children, and both of them are kings of an ungodly
underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering.
Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
—SAM LOGAN
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better
not pout, I'm telling you why…Santa Claus might put
a cap in your ass.
—CRAIG FERGUSON
My father was so cheap that one year he told us Santa
didn't come because he wears red and we lived
in a Crips zone.
—A. J. JAMAL
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white
man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
—DICK GREGORY
Let me see if I've got this Santa
business straight. You say he wears
a beard, has no discernible source of
income, and flies to cities all over the
world under cover of darkness? You
sure this guy isn't laundering illegal
drug money?
—TOM ARMSTRONG
Calvin: This whole Santa Claus thing just
doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why
all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't
he ever show himself and prove it? And if he
doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?
Hobbes: I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?
Calvin: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same
questions about God.
—CALVIN AND HOBBES
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
—ARLO GUTHRIE
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't
believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded
my wives.
—GROUCHO MARX
Three wise men? You must be joking.
—ANONYMOUS
“You mean you're going to send the same form letter
to the Great Pumpkin, Santa Claus and the Easter
Bunny?” “Why not? These guys get so much mail they
can't possibly tell the difference…I bet they don't
even read the letters themselves! How could they?
The trouble with you, Charlie Brown, is you don't
understand how these big organizations work!”
—LUCY, CHARLIE BROWN
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a
nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any
religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men
and a virgin.
—JAY LENO
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store, and
he asked for my autograph.
—SHIRLEY TEMPLE
Top 10 Responses to the Gift of a Holiday Sweater
10. Hey! Now there's a gift!
9. Well, well, well…
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season, though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it—but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. Damn…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
The 3 Stages of Man
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Santa and his reindeer land on top of an outhouse.
Santa looks around for a moment and then yells “No,
Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!”
—ANONYMOUS
Q: How do elves greet each other?
A: Small world, isn't it?
Santa Claus? You have to look very carefully at a
man like this. He comes but once a year? Down the
chimney? And in my sock?
—IRWIN COREY
Santa Pickup Lines
Wanna see my twelve-inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good, so let's skip the small talk.
Some of my best toys run on batteries….
Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it.)
I see you when you're sleeping…and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the “nice” list—I've got you on my “naughty” list!
Wanna join the “Mile High” Club?
That's not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I'm just glad to see you….
Fran: Look, Gracie! Santa took a bite out of the
cookies we left him.
Grace: I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
Fran: The man gets out of the house once a
year. Live and let live.
—THE NANNY
Jesus never put up a tree and exchanged gifts, or
left cookies out for Santa. He never made a harried
last-minute trip to the mall, or spent Christmas Eve
cursing at a toy he couldn't put together. He celebrated
Passover. So if you want to be more like Jesus,
pass the matzo.
—DREW CAREY
Ways to Confuse Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We
hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”
Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.:)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.: (”
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with lastminute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but that from a distance he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
Snark! The Herald Angels Sing Page 4