The air outside was even quieter than before. From the short storm a few hours earlier, three inches of fresh snow covered the ground, and their steps crunched it down. The barn was filled with warm air and the scent of hay and horse. Cobalt and Magpie seemed to know they were going out again and were waiting for them, their heads peering out of their stalls.
The boys worked in silence, Andrew lost in his own thoughts. The few times Ryder looked over at him, Andrew’s mind raced. So much going through his head, his eyes stared at the horse but didn’t really see her. The start of a battle raged in his mind, and every time his thoughts started to make sense, images of Ryder’s lips so close to his came flooding back. He tried to shut down his visions, but couldn’t. If he tried to redirect them, the images just came back.
Ryder had almost kissed him. His lips…so close.
Why had he done that?
Why did I lean toward him? I was just curious. That’s all.
Ryder’s aunt had prevented anything from really happening. Nothing really would have happened. Really. But their lips had been so close…
Ryder cleared his throat and Andrew looked up, stunned. Once again Ryder stood just inches away, and Andrew took a step back. Which put him directly against one of the stall doors. “Ryder…”
Whatever he wanted to say was lost as Ryder closed the distance, not giving him any time to protest, and sealed their lips together. Andrew’s body tensed momentarily, then relaxed when he felt Ryder’s hand wrap around his forearm. The other pressed against the wall by his shoulder, supporting his body as he leaned into Andrew.
Andrew’s eyes shut, his brain reeled…and he returned the kiss.
Ryder slid his hand down to rest against Andrew’s hip. He took a step closer to him and their bodies pressed together. The sudden contact broke the trance that held Andrew and he pushed Ryder away, hauling in a noisy breath of air in the process.
Too much, his mind screamed at him. Too much!
“Andy? Are you okay? I…I didn’t…” Ryder swept his hand through his hair. “Look, I’m sorry. No, that’s not true. I’m not sorry. Are you…okay?” Ryder tilted his head to the side and leaned over to bring himself nearly eye level with Andrew.
“I’m fine,” Andrew insisted, waving a hand. “Fine. I gotta go, though.”
“But I thought—”
“I just have to get home, okay? I’ll…call you tomorrow?”
“Andy, I didn’t mean to—”
“I can’t talk about this right now.” He held up both palms. “I need to think. I need time to think.” And he couldn’t do it here. Not with Ryder so close and his lips so soft and…
Stop. Don’t think about it right now, Andrew. Just go home.
Ryder’s face fell, but he nodded agreement. “Okay.”
Andrew stepped around Ryder and headed for the house where he’d left his jacket. He traded his boots for his sneakers, thankful Mrs. Kensington wasn’t around for him to have to explain anything to. When he took off in his truck, he glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Ryder standing in the open barn door, watching him drive away. Just before he came to the bend in the road, Ryder disappeared back inside.
“Damnit!” Andrew yelled in the quiet of the cab.
What in the hell just happened?
Chapter Eight
By the time Andrew got home that night, his entire body ached from riding and his mind still raced from the kiss. He’d driven around town before turning onto the back roads and following them while his mind tried to sort itself out. After two hours, he had made absolutely no progress; he was just as confused as before.
Why had Ryder kissed him? Why hadn’t he pushed Ryder away the second he got closer? Why had he waited until Ryder had actually put his hands on him?
Why did it feel so damn good?
“What’s wrong with you?” Andrea asked as he settled onto the couch.
“We were riding all day,” he lied. “God, I’m sore,” he groaned, letting his head drop back onto the overstuffed cushion. His father chuckled as he stepped into the room and took a seat in his armchair with a cup of coffee.
“I suggest you go take a hot shower, or you’re going to be stiff tomorrow.”
“That’s a really good idea. Thanks, Dad.”
“You’re welcome.”
“You don’t plan on going back there again tomorrow, do you?” his sister asked.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. There was no way he could face Ryder so soon. “Why?”
Andrea shrugged. “Charlie called earlier. He wanted to know if you wanted to go catch a movie. I thought maybe I’d bring Sarah along, and you can invite Ryder, too, if you want.”
Too soon. “Maybe I’ll call Ryder and see if he wants to join us, too,” he said, though he wasn’t sure if he should after what happened between them. But wouldn’t it seem strange to not invite him along?
Andrea hesitated and Andrew stopped his slow progress up the steps, backing down them a bit.
“Andrea, what is it?”
“Charlie asked if it could just be the four of us. You know, like old times.”
Andrew stared at her, confused. “Why would he ask that?”
“I don’t know. I’m just telling you what he told me, okay?”
“Seems weird. Ryder’s our friend, too. What does it matter?”
“Maybe he just thinks you’re spending more time with Ryder than you are with him. Which you have been, I noticed. Charlie is your best friend, isn’t he?”
“Of course he is. He’s just being an idiot lately. Besides, he’s the one that hasn’t asked to do anything since soccer season ended. It goes both ways.” Andrew paused. “Did he tell you that’s what he thought?”
“No, of course not. Charlie wouldn’t actually talk about it. You know him. I said maybe that’s what he thinks.” She held up her hands. “Don’t shoot the messenger. Go take a shower, then call him,” she added, with a wrinkle of her nose, “you smell like a barn.”
“I was in one, genius.”
“That’s enough, you two,” their father said, throwing them both a stern look.
Tossing a last frown over his shoulder, Andrew climbed the stairs to the small bathroom and slipped inside. Once in the small space, the scent of horse, hay, and manure nearly overwhelmed him. And reminded him of Ryder. He quickly shed his clothes and shoved them in the hamper, then turned on the water and stepped inside the shower, shutting the curtain.
The hot water felt great on his back as it slid down his body. He relaxed under the hot spray and let it wash away the tension in his body and clear his mind. Grabbing his shampoo and soap, he rinsed the smell of horse and hay from his body. When he finished he felt a lot better than before and could ignore the noises clamoring in his mind.
After he climbed out of the shower and wrapped his towel around his waist he realized he hadn’t brought any clean clothes into the bathroom with him. Darting across the hall, he shut the bedroom door behind him, grabbed a clean pair of sweats and a T-shirt. Once dressed, he felt a little warmer and flopped on his bed with his phone.
He dialed Charlie’s number while he lay there, and while waiting for him to answer, he inspected his hand. Though he’d worn gloves, parts of his palms were rubbed raw from holding the reins too tightly.
“Hello?” Charlie’s voice came through his cell phone, clear as if he stood right next to him in the room.
“Hey, Charlie. It’s me.”
“Hey, Andy. What’s up?”
“Andrea said you called and wanted to see a movie tomorrow.”
“Yeah! Glad you got the message. I wasn’t sure if she’d tell you or not. She was rude as hell earlier. She wants to bring Sarah along. That would be cool, right?”
“That’s fine,” Andrew said, before adding, cautiously after Andrea’s words earlier, “We should bring Ryder, too.”
Silence filled the line as Charlie paused and Andrew pulled his phone away to see if he lost service. “Let’s go with just
the four of us. We can bring Ryder next time.”
“Why not this time?”
“Look, I just don’t want to, okay?”
“Does this have anything to do with Sarah? He’s not interested in her, man. You’re fine.”
“I know that! It’s not that, all right? I just want to hang out like we did before.”
Andrew laughed into the phone. “You sound like a jealous girlfriend.”
“Shut up, ass. I’m not a fag.”
The tone of his voice when he said it made Andrew stop abruptly, and his laughter died. What would Charlie think if he knew about Ryder? What would he think if he knew what had happened between them in the barn? Would those same words, that same tone, be directed at him?
“So? Are we on, or what?”
“You know what? I’ll think about it,” Andrew said, and hung up the phone without saying good-bye. He stared up at the ceiling in disbelief. Something else was bothering Charlie, and he’d been spending too much time with Ryder to notice. It could be that Charlie was jealous. Ryder had quickly become popular, and all the girls in the school were constantly hanging around him. Yeah, he flirted with them when they were around, but now that he knew his secret, Andrew knew Charlie had nothing to worry about. But Charlie didn’t know that.
He couldn’t do anything about it until they hung out tomorrow. If they did. He pulled back the covers on his bed and crawled into the cold sheets. They warmed up a short time later, but he couldn’t rest. He lay in bed staring at the ceiling for what seemed like hours, replaying the kiss in his mind, over and over. Even now he could still feel the press of those warm, soft lips against his. He licked his. Ryder had tasted like the Chapstick he wore while riding: a smooth and light mint taste. And just a little like what they’d eaten for lunch. Even though the kiss had been brief—too brief, and that was my fault, he thought—it still sent a jolt straight down his spine just thinking about it. Ryder hadn’t been pushy or demanding. Instead, he clearly knew what he was doing, and it was good. Better than what he’d gotten from the girls lately, and all in a simple kiss. A simple kiss that had left him breathless and looking like an idiot.
Andrew lay there in the bed until his mother called him down for a late dinner. His mind still raced through the afternoon, reliving each and every moment they were together. He could hardly push his thoughts aside while he ate with his family, not wanting to reveal what troubled him, but he managed well enough. They hardly seemed to notice, though Andrea eyed him suspiciously a few times and nudged his foot under the table. He ignored her. And that night when they were in their beds, long after she’d fallen asleep, he still lay there staring at the wall, mind full of Ryder and their kiss.
Ryder had surprised him when he’d admitted he was gay.
He’d surprised him with the kiss.
But the biggest surprise of all? Andrew wanted to kiss him again.
Chapter Nine
Charlie was still talking about the movie they had seen Sunday afternoon at lunchtime on Monday. He settled into the chair across from Andrew and took a bite from his slice of pizza. Sarah made a face when a piece of crust fell from his lips and he started to talk. Again.
“Ugh, close your mouth when you chew, Charlie. That’s disgusting.”
“Yeah,” Andrea said, sitting next to Andrew. “Really. Should I have worn my rain jacket to lunch today?”
Andrew bit into his sandwich, nodding. “I think you should have.”
“Thanks for the warning,” she muttered.
“Hey guys, how was the movie?” Ryder asked as he sat down next to Andrew. If he felt Andrew tense beside him, he didn’t seem to pay any attention to it.
“Great, and Charlie won’t shut up about it,” Sarah said with a bright smile on her face. Despite Ryder repeatedly turning her down, her interest still shone clearly on her face. If the gleam in her eyes meant anything, she wouldn’t give up on him anytime soon. Andrew almost wanted to laugh. If she only knew.
“Really? Why? What happened?” Ryder asked, fixing his green-eyed gaze on Charlie, who stopped talking and focused on his food. The sudden silence at their table deafened Andrew.
When no one said anything, Ryder looked at Andrew, confused. “Did I miss something?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ll tell you about the movie later.”
Ryder nodded. “You coming over after school?”
Andrew nodded. “Sure.”
Charlie muttered something and stood, leaving his food half-eaten on his tray. Sarah scowled after him as he left. “He’s had such an attitude since Saturday. I don’t know what the hell his problem is, but if he doesn’t knock it off, I’ll kick his ass myself.”
Andrea rolled her eyes and leaned against her elbows on the table. “Oh yeah, I’m sure you can take him on.”
“What? He won’t hit a girl. And I’ll aim straight for his balls,” she said with a wink. “Instant knockout.” The girls laughed.
Andrew noticed Ryder trying to catch his attention and he looked away. He knew he would ask what was going on, but he didn’t know how to answer it. He wasn’t even sure of the answer himself. And he didn’t want to get into it in front of Sarah and Andrea. It would just lead to uncomfortable questions, and I’m not ready for that.
The rest of the lunch period was strained. When it finally ended, Ryder caught Andrew’s arm and held him back. The crowd pushed around them to file back to their classes.
“Andy—”
“We can’t talk about this now. I’ll tell you after school. Meet us at my truck, okay?” Ryder nodded, and Andrew walked away.
He could feel Ryder’s hot gaze on his back the whole way.
*
As Andrea and Andrew approached the truck, Andrew saw Ryder waiting for them. Andrea squeezed into the middle of the seat and complained about it, but her complaints fell on deaf ears. An awkward silence fell over the truck during the drive home, even worse than the silence at the lunch table, and Andrea seemed to sense it.
“Wow, this has been lovely,” she said in a wry tone when they pulled into their driveway, climbing over Ryder to get out of the cab without waiting for him to get out first. She ran inside with a small, dismissive wave over her shoulder.
“Talk,” Ryder said as Andrew backed the truck out of his driveway and headed for the Kensingtons’ farm.
“I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to the movie, okay? I wanted to, but Charlie threw a fit about it. He was pissed that I’ve been hanging out with you more than him.”
“Really?” Ryder frowned and looked out the window as they passed a snow-covered field.
“Yeah. Like I said, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry, it’s fine. I had stuff to do in the barn on Sunday anyway.”
Andrew wondered if Ryder was just trying to make him feel better. “Okay.”
“Charlie can come over too, if he really wants to. He just didn’t seem like he’d be interested.”
Andrew sighed. “I don’t think it’s that. He’s jealous. I know that.”
“Jealous?” Ryder snorted. “Of what?”
“You?”
“Because of you?”
“No, no. Nothing like that.” But Andrew’s heart pumped harder just thinking of it. “Sarah hangs all over your every word. Don’t say you turned her down,” Andrew said, holding up one hand while the other gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I know, and he knows. But she still makes her interest clear, and Charlie gets annoyed. And then there are all the other girls that follow you around.”
“Yeah? So what? You know better than any of them why I haven’t asked any of them out.”
The reminder of Saturday’s kiss put color on his cheeks and he stared intently at the road. “I know,” he finally said, softly.
“So…”
“So,” Andrew responded and left it at that.
They rode in silence for longer this time, and Andrew began to drum his fingers against the wheel. He pulled up to a stop sign and sat t
here, despite the clear roads. Ryder scanned the roads, and then looked at him, a question in his eyes.
“I thought a lot about that kiss,” Andrew finally blurted out. “Shit, it’s all I’ve been able to think about. And…God, I don’t know, Ryder. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know how I feel.”
“But you’re not disgusted,” Ryder pointed out, leaning toward him.
“No, I’m not at all disgusted,” he said.
Ryder just let the words hang in the silence of the truck cab.
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. If I should do anything. I shouldn’t. I mean, it was just an experiment, right?” He flicked a glance at Ryder.
No answer.
“Right? Curiosity. It happens. And it wasn’t bad; I liked it, and that’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“No?”
“Kisses don’t have to mean anything,” he lied.
“But sometimes they do.”
Andrew expelled a breath. “Ryder, I just don’t—”
“Look, Andy, we could go slowly. Just give this a shot and see where it goes.” The silence ticked by. “We don’t have to tell anyone.”
Andrew gripped and released the steering wheel. Gripped and released. Gripped and released. “I’ve never, you know, dated a guy before.” What am I saying? Am I actually considering this?
“Obviously,” Ryder teased, the sparkle back in his eyes.
“I’m not gay,” Andrew argued softly.
“But it’s not exactly working out with the girls, is it?”
How could he argue that? Ryder did have a point. “No…it’s not.”
“So maybe you are, maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re bisexual. Maybe you just haven’t had enough experiences in life to know what you want.”
“That’s a lot of maybes.”
“Life is a lot of maybes.”
“Don’t most people know what they are?”
Ryder nodded. “Most do, but not all.”
Andrew hesitated and bit his lip. He glanced out the window to his side, the roads still clear. He twisted to look back at Ryder but found he couldn’t meet his eyes, so he focused instead on the windshield. It was safe enough. He considered all the options. “We wouldn’t have to do anything I didn’t want?”
Andy Squared Page 7