“No, it isn’t.” Andrew stepped closer to her. “Don’t blame this on him. Yes, he helped me figure things out about myself, but not about soccer.”
Andrea growled in frustration and paced back and forth in the hall.
Andrew spread his arms wide. “Whether you believe it or not, this would have happened sooner or later. Maybe not this year, maybe not next, but I would have figured it out eventually.” He softened his tone. “I’m gay, Andrea. Nothing’s going to change that. I can’t help it if it’s part of who I am.” He paused. Swallowed. “And being gay, meeting Ryder…none of that had anything to do with my decision on choosing Utica over UConn.”
Her eyes narrowed, hands in fists by her legs. “How did you get so comfortable saying that so fast? ‘I’m gay,’ like it’s just…nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, but I’m not ashamed of it.”
“How long have you known?”
“Two months.”
“Two months?” she spat. “You’ve been dating girls for years and you suddenly change and say you’re different because of two months? How do you know this isn’t just an experiment and you’ll go back to liking girls?”
He lowered his tone to a whisper. “Who are you, Mom? This isn’t an experiment, Andrea.”
“But how do you know?”
“How do you know you like guys?”
She pressed her lips together, searched his eyes.
“I’m sorry if you don’t like it, if you can’t find it within you to understand.” A pause. “You don’t have to. But this is who I am. I’m your brother, and I’m gay.”
Emotion reddened Andrea’s face. “You’re going to have to face the consequences of your choice, Andrew.”
He was just tired. “This isn’t a choice. And what are you going to do? Tell the whole school?”
“Maybe.”
“Go right ahead then, Andrea, but think about it. What is that going to accomplish, huh? Soccer is over. School gets out in less than six months. I’ll deal with whatever gets thrown at me until then.” He sounded confident to his own ears, but inside he felt his stomach start to churn.
“Are you really ready to do that? You really think you can handle going from Mr. Popular to the one everyone talks about because he’s sleeping with a guy?”
Andrew’s stomach clenched, but he kept his chin lifted.
“You think you can handle being another Joshua Grayson?” Andrea asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I think I’d rather handle being myself than pretending I’m something I’m not. There’s nothing wrong with Joshua Grayson.”
“Whatever you say,” she said, in a skeptical tone.
“You know what? I’m not talking to you when you’re like this. I’ve said my piece, you’ve said yours. I’m leaving. If you want to talk like a rational person, like the sister I thought you were, you know where you can reach me.”
“Fine, leave. Walk away—”
“I will, and I’ll only say one last thing: Don’t do something that you’re going to regret in the end. There are some things you can say and do that you’ll never be able to take back, no matter how sorry you are later.”
Andrew left without another word. He shook his head toward his parents before leaving the house and getting in the truck to drive back to the Kensington farm. Ryder had wanted to come along this time, to try to help talk to her, but Andrew had said no; he thought it would only exacerbate the situation. After this meeting, he thought the only way it could have been worse was if she had decided to throw a punch.
So much for a twin bond.
While he drove back, he thought about everything that had happened in the last two, almost three months. He’d broken up with not one, but two girlfriends, found out he liked guys—no, not any guy, Ryder—and started dating again. He’d gotten into fights with friends he’d never fought with before, but made a new one and strengthened other friendships. He’d also learned he knew very little about his sister.
The sister he thought he knew was open and accepting and sweet despite her headstrong and driven ways. The headstrong part still existed, that was for sure. But she also appeared to be vicious, controlling, and more close-minded than she let others believe. She’d gone behind his back and applied for UConn for the both of them. She refused to let him make his own decisions about his life and wanted to control every aspect of his. Now this.
Sure, there were things about him that had changed. But as far as he was concerned, they were all good things. They made him a better person. Ryder made him a better person. If Andrea couldn’t see that, it was her loss.
Andrew kept telling himself that when he pulled into the driveway and climbed out of the truck. He heard voices from the barn and went to check it out.
Most of the horses were out in one of the cleared fields, running through the light covering of snow that remained on the ground. The only one left in his stall was Dante.
“How’d it go?” Mr. Kensington asked.
Andrew shrugged.
“That bad, huh?” Ryder asked.
He wanted to focus on horses now, not on Andrea. He lifted his chin toward Dante. “He looks particularly mean today.” Andrew looked meaningfully at Ryder, who sat on the stall door, trying to coax the horse forward with a carrot. The horse refused to budge.
“He doesn’t want to go out. I don’t think he likes the snow,” Ryder said, letting the conversation about Andrea go.
“So, can’t he stay inside?”
“He needs exercise. And we should be working with him every day,” Mr. Kensington said. “I’m sorry about your sister, son.”
Ryder nodded.
“I’m surprised she didn’t punch me,” Andrew muttered ruefully. “It got really loud for a while, but my parents didn’t step in.”
“Believe me, it’s better they didn’t. From the sound of it, your sister would have forced them to pick sides. That would be messy for everyone. It’s best they let the two of you have it out,” Mr. Kensington said.
“God, this is such a mess. I told her before I left not to do anything she’d regret, you know? Because there are some things that I wouldn’t be able to forgive if she said.”
Mr. Kensington leaned back against the wall and tilted his head. “She’s your sister. Don’t you think you’d forgive her eventually?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. But at the same time, if she says anything really bad against me, it’s always going to be there.”
“What is it she could say that would get you that upset?” he asked, curious.
“Spread rumors about me, lies. Tell everyone every detail they don’t need to know. The really embarrassing things.”
“Well, keep in mind she is your sister, like it or not at the moment. She might be hurting right now, but I’m sure she still loves you. And if she says anything, she’s probably just lashing out. It’ll pass. Things always do.” He gave Andrew a squeeze on his shoulder, before stepping past them to head to his office.
Andrew leaned up against the wall where Ryder sat, and soon felt fingers playing in his hair. He glanced up. “It really sucked,” he said.
“No matter what, we’ll get through this,” Ryder said softly, reassuringly.
Andrew wanted to believe him, but his heart and mind were conflicted. Sure, they’d get through it. But would they get through it intact?
Chapter Twenty-five
Andrew wasn’t sure what he had expected at school that Thursday morning classes resumed, but it wasn’t this. He had pulled into the parking lot with Ryder and gotten out of the car. He didn’t know if Andrea had arrived yet, though he suspected she had. She would have wanted to get a head start on her schemes.
Expecting to be cornered and questioned mercilessly by friends and teammates, Andrew felt surprised yet relieved when he made it first to the school door unscathed, and then to his locker. And after that, first-period class.
With a sigh he sat down, thinking perhaps he’d been too dramatic, making
everything seem worse than it really was.
Ryder joined him a short time later and gave him a small smile. He leaned over and put his hand on the back of his seat like he did nearly every morning since he’d arrived. “Anything?”
“Nothing. I guess I overreacted. It’s going to be fine,” Andrew said with a sigh of relief.
“That’s great,” Ryder agreed.
More of the class started to file in and a few greeted them and smiled. With every person who set foot in the room, though, Andrew couldn’t help but feel like the bomb was about to drop any second, and he could do nothing but wait. Most of the students, though, looked tired or disappointed to be back—worried about their own lives, not his. One or two asked how his and Ryder’s vacations went. Typical post-vacation chatter.
Until Sarah walked in.
Sarah walked into the room with Nathaniel, laughing at something he said. When she turned down the row to take her seat in front of Andrew she paused and gave Nathaniel a knowing look. The expression on his face was a mixture of amusement and disgust, and Andrew’s stomach lurched.
Andrea really had told.
“So,” Sarah said as she sat down. “Have a good vacation? We didn’t get to talk much on New Year’s, and you all but disappeared after that party.”
“Yeah,” Andrew replied, swallowing hard and smiling. “Just great. A little busy, that’s all. You?”
“It was fine. I’m sure not as interesting as yours, from what Andrea says.”
“Oh yeah? What uh, did Andrea say?”
“She said you had a very eventful New Year and that you’re now living with Ryder.”
“Just until my room is finished,” Andrew clarified. He felt a bead of sweat begin to form at his hairline.
“So that’s why you never wanted to go out with me, Ryder? Because you were more into guys?” Sarah asked. Her voice sounded sweet, but a hint of acid tinted it.
Ryder looked over at her and shrugged languidly, his face blank.
Some of the students in front of her heard what she said and turned to each other, whispering excitedly. They looked back at Ryder, trying to figure out what Sarah was talking about.
“That’s why you kept rejecting me, isn’t it? Because you wanted Andrew and not me, huh?”
“Yeah, Sarah. That’s it. Is that what you want me to say? Now just drop it.”
Andrew felt his face flame and he hung his head as an excited storm of whispers moved around the room. The second bell rang and Mrs. Appleby walked in. She called the class to order, and when she didn’t get it, she slammed a book down on her desk.
“Excuse me. Now, I am well aware that this is the first class on the first day back from vacation. However, we have work to do. In three short weeks, not including this one, you have your midterm.” The class erupted in disgruntled noises. “Yes, groan all you want,” she added. “But you’re still responsible for learning the information. Now take out your texts and notebooks.”
The whispers behind her caught Mrs. Appleby’s attention. She turned to look, her eyes narrowed in annoyance, assessing the situation. Some of the students were talking in small groups of two or three, though most had listened. Andrew and Ryder sat in stony, uneasy silence, ignoring the whispers and stares. Andrew’s pencil rolled off his desk. He leaned down to pick it up.
“Fag,” someone murmured.
Mrs. Appleby’s hand dropped noisily to her desk. “One more thing,” she said keeping her voice low. The students stopped to listen, waiting for something important. “Like you, I still want to be on vacation, and as such, I am not in the mood to tolerate any nonsense today. If I hear one derogatory comment directed toward anyone, for any reason, you are out of here. I don’t care if it’s a joke, and I don’t care if it’s ‘not meant that way.’ I hear it and you have a detention after school tomorrow and a trip to the principal’s office immediately. Yes?”
The class nodded, subdued for the moment, and she went back to her teaching. Andrew had never been more grateful for history class in his life. As the rest of the class shuffled about getting their books and notebooks out, he realized Karina’s seat was still empty. He had hoped she would be there that morning. She had been so accepting of his relationship with Ryder, he hadn’t realized he relied on her support today. Maybe she would turn up before the period ended.
*
Class ended and Ryder and Andrew had to part for the rest of their classes. Karina didn’t make it to class at all, so Andrew was left alone as he waved to Ryder on his way to second period. Each class proceeded like history had, except without Ryder, things seemed a little quieter. No one specifically asked him anything, but he heard the whispers and saw the looks. He avoided them as best he could, but Nathaniel blocked his entrance to fourth-period English.
When Andrew tried to walk around him, Nathaniel sidestepped and blocked him. With an impatient sigh, Andrew looked up at Nathaniel’s smirk. He tried to step to the other side and get around him, but Nathaniel pushed forward and knocked him into the lockers.
“Watch where you’re walking, faggot.”
“Then don’t get in my way,” Andrew muttered, pushing past him.
Nathaniel gave him another shove with his shoulder, and Andrew grunted from the pressure. It would leave a bruise later.
“You better watch your back,” he said as he pinned Andrew to the corner of the locker. The hard metal bit into his back, but he kept his face composed. “You’re not always going to have your little boyfriend or friends around to save your sorry ass.”
I am not going to let him win.
“I don’t see anyone around now, do you? Back off, Nathaniel. You’re nothing but talk.” Andrew shifted his weight, catching his knee against Nathaniel’s. It pushed him off and he managed to slip past him into the doorway next to him.
English class was blissfully empty and Nathaniel didn’t follow him. He sat down at his desk and briefly rested his forehead against the cool surface. His shoulder had already started to ache from Nathaniel’s force, and he rubbed a hand over it casually. He was about to place his copy of Heart of Darkness on his desk when Joshua Grayson sat on its flat surface.
“So. Is it true?” he asked softly.
Andrew got a really good look at him for the first time. Funny how he’d known the boy for four years and had never really looked at him. But he did now. Josh had short, wavy, light brown hair that flipped out at the ends. His eyes were a pale hazel, and his nose turned up slightly at the end. “Don’t say ‘is what true’ because I know you know what rumors are going around. It’s hard to miss rumors like that. They have the tendency to move the fastest.”
“Yeah, it’s true,” Andrew admitted.
Josh shrugged, one eyebrow quirking up. “Well, never figured you were family. But I guess I didn’t really know you either.”
“Guess not.”
“So, Ryder?”
“Yup.”
“He’s a nice guy. Talked to me his first day here. Even after that prick Justin Mast told him all about me, not that he really knows,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, I just wanted to say ignore all that.” He waved a hand. “It can be annoying, yeah, but you build up a tough skin after a while.”
“You seem really…cool about it all,” Andrew said.
“Let me guess, you thought I would cry about it like the rest of your teammates? Just because of the rumors about me?”
“Well, yeah, no offense.”
“None taken,” he said with a small, sad smile. “Like I said. You build a tough skin. You either let it roll off and ignore it, or you get eaten alive.”
“Thanks for the advice,” Andrew said as the bell rang. Josh took his seat. He sat in the front of the room and ignored most of the people who talked to him.
Andrew knew some of the whispers around the room were directed toward him, but he tried to take Josh’s advice and ignore it. He didn’t look forward to lunch, though, where he’d have to face his sister and friends.
By
the time lunch came around his stomach churned, and he wanted to skip it altogether, but he knew he’d have to face it sooner or later. Better to just get it over with all at once. He hoped he’d made the right decision when he walked into the lunchroom and got in line to buy food. No one sat at his usual table, so he took his seat and waited.
Anxiety flooded Andrew’s body as he pushed his food around the plate. He ended up pushing it away as he waited for Ryder to join him. Glancing around the cafeteria, he felt like all eyes were on him. Every whisper seemed to be amplified and he bristled with each word.
“Look at him sitting over there. Who knew?”
“Faggot.”
“Andy and Ryder? That’s sick.”
“Charlie was right about Ryder.”
“Poor Sarah. She really liked him.”
Ryder joined Andrew a minute later carrying his lunch. He took the seat across from him this time, rather than next to, helping Andrew block out everyone else.
“How are you doing?” Ryder asked, concern barely masking the stress on his face. His eyes were narrowed and little lines bunched at the corners.
“I’ve been better. But not bad, considering,” Andrew lied with a furtive glance around the room. “I talked to Josh today in English.”
“Nice guy, isn’t he?”
Andrew nodded. “He said the same thing about you.”
Andrew saw Andrea enter the lunchroom and looked up. He followed her approach across the large, noisy room, straight to their table. His body tensed as she stopped behind Ryder, holding her bag.
Neither of them said anything to each other, and Ryder glanced over his shoulder to look up at her. She kept her face calmly blank, and then turned when she heard her name called from across the room. Sarah stood there, calling her and waving from another table. She pointedly left without a word and Andrew felt both relieved and hurt at the same time.
“You knew it would happen, Andy. Just let it go. It’s better than her making a scene, right?”
Andy Squared Page 18