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HOW TO MAKE A SHRUNKEN HEAD
You’ll probably never use this recipe, but you can still hold it over your kid brother or sister’s (ahem) head.
AHUNDRED YEARS AGO, the Jivaro (hee-var-o) tribes living deep in the jungles of Ecuador and Peru collected the heads of their enemies and turned them into trophies. Here’s how they did it…step by step.
STEP 1: FIND A HEAD. Peel the skin away from the skull (hair and all). Sew the eye and mouth openings closed (to trap the soul inside so it won’t haunt you). Turn the head inside out. Scrape away the fat using a sharp knife.
STEP 2: COOK THE HEAD. Add jungle herbs to a pot of water and bring to a boil. Add the head and simmer for one to two hours. Remove the head from the water.
STEP 3: SHRINK THE HEAD. Fill the head with hot stones, rolling it constantly to prevent scorching. Repeat with smaller and smaller pebbles as the head shrinks. Mold the facial features between each step.
STEP 4: GIVE THE HEAD A FACIAL. Hang the head over the fire to dry. Once dry, polish it with ashes. Moisturize with berries to prevent the head from cracking. Sew the neck hole closed and trim the hair.
PRANKED!
April Fools’ Day only comes once a year. But why wait? These pranks work year-round.
PEEK-A-BOO!
This one is a classic. Hide behind a closed door and wait for your victim to approach. When the door opens, jump forward and make an outrageous noise. Works every time! (Duh Alert: Don’t hide behind a door that opens toward you unless you want to get smacked in the face.)
EEK! A SPIDER
You’ll need a fake spider for this prank—the bigger and hairier the better. Use strong tape to attach a long piece of string to the spider’s body. Tie the other end to a sturdy stick or pole. Quietly approach your victim from behind (this works best if he or she is watching TV or engrossed in a book or video game). Dangle the spider and let it settle on your victim’s shoulder.
HELLO?
Start watching a scary movie with friends or family. When a truly terrifying scene is approaching, slip silently out of the room. Use a cell phone to call the home line or the cell of someone who is still watching. When he or she answers, make your voice low and creepy and breathy, and say, “Are you watching me? I’m watching you….”
MONSTER UNDER THE BED
Just before bedtime, crawl under a sibling’s bed and find a comfortable position. (If you share a room, make a show of turning in first. Stuff your bed with pillows so it looks like you’re sleeping.) Once your brother or sister is in bed, wait in silence a few minutes and then start making soft guttural noises. If you’re very good at disguising your voice, growl out the person’s name followed by creepy sound effects. For maximum fear factor, start very softly so you can barely be heard, and then get louder bit by bit.
THE SPRINTING CANDY
Find a long clear piece of fishing line or strong transparent thread. Tie it around a fun-size candy bar and place the candy on the floor. Hold the other end of the fishing line and find a place to hide that will allow you a view of the candy. When someone tries to pick up the candy, give the line a jerk. Keep going until your victim catches on.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO . . .
Open the lid of the toilet. Tape an old Halloween mask (the scarier the better) to the inside of the toilet lid. Shut the toilet lid, and then keep your ears open for screams. (Duh Alert: If you forget the mask is there and need to go before anyone else does, you’ll be the one screaming!)
OUT FOR BLOOD
Why is everyone so obsessed with vampires? We have no idea, but fangs for asking!
VAMPIRE STORIES have been around for thousands of years. An ancient Babylonian and Assyrian myth from around 4,000 B.C. describes an ekimmu (or edimmu). What’s that? It’s a person who did not receive a proper burial or died a violent death. Instead of remaining dead, an ekimmu returns to suck the life out of a living human. Here are a few more bits of vampire lore from human history.
•During the 16th century (1500s), gravediggers checked to make sure corpses had not chewed on their burial shrouds. Why? It was a sure sign of vampirism. If such a sign was seen, the gravedigger would shove a rock or brick into the corpse’s mouth to keep it from feeding on other dead bodies and rising from the grave. In 2006, scientists found the skull of a female “vampire” near Venice, Italy. A slab of rock had been shoved into her mouth so forcefully it broke her teeth.
•Drinking the ashes of a burned vampire has been said to help those bitten by vampires. But in Russian folklore, vampire attacks could be prevented by eating bread baked with vampire blood.
•Burying corpses facedown was once a popular way to prevent supposed vampires from coming back to life. If they “woke up,” they would dig themselves deeper into the earth instead of clawing their way out. Skeletons thought to be thousands of years old have also been found staked, decapitated, pinned with arrows, and crushed by boulders…all thought to be ways to keep vampires from rising from their graves.
•Garlic is the most traditional way of repelling vampires. It has been used for more than 2,000 years.
•According to a legend from the Balkans, vampires could be born out of fruit that was more than 10 days old (or fruit not eaten by Christmas).
•Vampire hunters in Romania and Hungary had a strange way of finding them. They would lead a horse through a graveyard. If the horse refused to step over a grave, a vampire rested inside the grave.
•Nineteenth-century Transylvanian midwives knew how to stop the dead from turning into vampires. They drove nails into a corpse’s forehead before burial or cut off its head and stuffed its mouth with garlic.
•Count Von Count from Sesame Street comes by his love of counting honestly. Folklore says vampires love counting. And if they’re tricked into counting a lot of something—say, seeds or grains of sand—they will forget all about drinking your blood.
GOING, GOING . . . STILL GOING
Bathroom lore can be scary weird. Cool, huh?
WHEN YOU’VE GOTTA GO
Nineteen-year-old Dylan DiFalco was arrested by sheriff’s deputies in Collier County, Florida, after he tripped a busboy who was chasing his friend (the friend was trying to leave without paying). On the way to jail, DiFalco told one of the deputies he needed to go to the bathroom. “Try and hold it like an adult,” the officer told him. DiFalco didn’t: He peed in the back seat. Then the teen said, “I told you I had to go, you stupid cop.” Not smart: the soggy DiFalco was charged with battery (against the busboy) and locked up on a $2,000 bond.
TROOPERS BUST POOPER
When nature called, Wayne Cosney stopped by the side of a road in Defuniak Springs, Florida, to…uhm…go number two. A witness must have thought that was a crappy thing to do. He photographed the event and then contacted police. Authorities responded to investigate and discovered that the car Cosney was driving had been listed as stolen. Cosney’s illegal pit stop got him busted for DUI, indecent exposure, and grand theft auto.
GET OFF THE POT
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple (his real name) said a man called his office to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend. She would not get off the toilet. Police found the 35-year-old woman not only sitting on the toilet, but stuck there. “She was not glued,” said Whipple. “She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body.” In fact, the woman’s skin seemed to have grown around the seat. “We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar, and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.” The boyfriend told investigators he’d brought his girlfriend food and water and asked her to come out of the bathroom every day…for two years! Her daily reply? “Maybe tomorrow.” The boyfriend had no explanation for why he waited so long to call for help.
THANKS, BUDDY!
In 2008, Gokhan Mutlu got a good deal from a friend: a “buddy pass” that allowed him to fly free from San Diego to New York City on JetBlue airlines. About 90 minutes into the fligh
t, what had seemed like a good deal…wasn’t. The pilot made Mutlu give up his seat to a flight attendant and sit on the toilet. When Mutlu complained, the pilot reportedly said, “This is my plane, under my command, and you should be grateful for being on board.” Then the aircraft hit turbulence. Passengers were told to return to their seats, but Mutlu had no seat to return to. He sued JetBlue for more than $2 million.
HOW TO TALK TO A GHOST
What if you could witness haunted happenings in your neighborhood and then bring home proof? Here’s how.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Investigators on TV ghost-hunting shows spend a lot of time asking questions to rooms that look completely empty. What’s up with that? The ghost hunter is trying to capture and record an Electronic Voice Phenomenon (EVP)—a ghostly voice that’s so faint, it can only be heard later when the recording is played back.
You don’t have to be a professional ghost hunter to try it. All you need is a small audio-recording device…and a haunted house.
BEWARE. Ghost-hunting is not for the faint of heart, so never go investigating by yourself. Take along a friend, or assemble a small team. And get your parents’ permission. If the investigation will take place anywhere other than your own house (or a friend’s), take a trusted adult (or three) with you.
THINK LIKE A SCIENTIST
•Don’t trust all ghost stories as fact. Witness accounts of paranormal activity can be exaggerated over time. Stay objective and act as if you are a scientist looking for proof.
•Keep a level head. When you’re on a paranormal investigation, it’s easy to think every noise, light, or shadow is caused by a ghost. Good investigators look for real-world explanations first. They know that sounds and lights that come in from the outside—such as people talking, car headlights, and the wind—can fool people into thinking they’ve encountered a spirit.
•Don’t horse around during the investigation. And know where your team members are at all times. Remember: The more professional you act, the better your chances of success.
ATTEMPT TO MAKE CONTACT
•Once you’ve found a place that is reported to be haunted, you’ll have to set up a time to go in at night. Ghosts are said to be most active when all is dark and the rest of the world is asleep. Turn off the lights and use a flashlight only when you need to. Let your eyes get used to the dark.
•Turn on your recorder and lay it on a flat surface. In your normal voice, say, “Hello, is there anyone in here with me?” (Don’t use the word “ghost,” or tell them they are dead—they might not know it!) Then be silent for a few moments and look and listen for anything out of the ordinary.
•If the room gets cold or you hear a strange noise, that may be a sign of paranormal activity. To find out, say, “I can’t see or hear you. Are you trying to communicate? Could you make a noise or move an object?” If anything weird happens, verify that it’s ghostly by asking the spirit to do it again.
•If you feel like a spirit is in the room, ask it more questions: its name, what it’s doing there, or what year it is. Remember: Even if you don’t hear a response, it doesn’t mean you’re not getting one. That’s why it’s important to remain absolutely quiet except when you’re asking questions.
MAKE A FRIEND . . . OR GET OUT!
•Ghost hunters say most spirits are harmless, but some people report encountering wicked ones. If you feel a nasty presence, don’t panic. But get out of there as quickly as you can. Some ghosts are said to feed off fear, so don’t give them anything to eat.
•Give the EVP session about an hour, and then wrap it up. Thank the spirits (if they were nice), and leave them be.
•The next day, listen to your recording very carefully. Make a note of every out-of-the-ordinary noise you picked up. If you did a good job investigating, you might just hear a ghostly answer to one of your questions.
THE TALKING DEAD
Some brainless quotes about zombies.
“Okay, well, you’re dead. Which is unusual, because we don’t normally see this much activity in a dead person.”
—Dr. Bronson, My Boyfriend’s Back (1993)
“I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead. ”
—Jimmy Buffett
“Blood is really warm, it’s like drinking hot chocolate but with more screaming.”
—Ryan Mecum, Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your…Brains
“Zombies can’t believe the energy the living waste on nonfood pursuits.”
—Patton Oswalt, comic
“Often, a school is your best bet—perhaps not for education but certainly for protection from an undead attack.”
—Max Brooks, The Zombie Survival Guide
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”
—Seth Grahame-Smith, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
“Zombies are the only club that accepts everyone. They don’t care what you look like. They don’t care how old you are.”
—Matt Mogk, head of the Zombie Research Society
SCARY SMART
A brief look at one of the smartest dudes of our time.
BOY MEETS GIRL
While studying for a doctorate at Cambridge, Stephen Hawking got some dreadful news: he had a disease called amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. ALS attacks nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord—the ones that control your muscles. Over time, people with ALS have trouble breathing. Their muscles weaken and waste away. They can’t move. They can’t speak. In time, they can’t even breathe on their own. Most ALS sufferers die within ten years.
Hawking could have packed his bags and gone home. No one would have blamed him. Why didn’t he? For one thing, he’d just met a really cute girl and he wanted to ask her out. That turned out well (they got married). In time, Hawking became world-famous, wrote best-selling books such as A Brief History of Time, won a bunch of big-shot science awards, and…guest-starred on a hit TV show. (More about that later.)
FACTS ABOUT A BOY
•Stephen Hawking was born on January 8, 1942—the 300th anniversary of the death of another amazing scientist and stargazer: Galileo Galilei, the father of modern astronomy and physics.
•Hawking was a grade-school slacker. At age 9, he was near the bottom of his class. In spite of his poor grades, his teachers and classmates nicknamed him “Einstein.”
•Despite mediocre grades in school, Hawking aced the scholarship exams that got him into Oxford. His score on the physics exam? Almost perfect.
•Hawking joined the rowing club at Oxford. That made him popular. But rowing practice took up six afternoons a week. That put him behind on his classwork. Hawking says he used “creative analysis to create lab reports”—in other words, he made stuff up.
•Hawking’s Ph.D. is in cosmology. No, that’s not the study of make-up, it’s the study of the origin and development of the universe.
BOY MEETS D’OH-MEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE
And now…what you’ve all been waiting for (or skipped ahead to read): In 1999, Hawking guest-starred in an episode of The Simpsons titled “They Saved Lisa’s Brain.” He almost missed the taping because his wheelchair broke down. Then he was 40 minutes late due to traffic. But it all ended well: Hawking and Homer meet up at Moe’s tavern, where they discuss the universe. “Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer,” Hawking says. “I may have to steal it.” The producer said the scene was “a chance to get the world’s smartest man and the world’s stupidest man in the same place.” After the episode aired, Hawking said, “Almost as many people know me from The Simpsons as for my science.”
TROUBLE DOLL
Tired of worrying? Do what kids from Guatemala do—make a trouble doll to do the worrying for you.
WHAT YOU NEED:
•2 pipe cleaners
•1 large wooden bead
•1 fine-tipped marker
•Several bright colors of yarn, embroidery thread,
or twine
WHAT TO DO:
1.Slide the wooden bead onto one pipe cleaner. Position the bead at the middle of the cleaner, and then twist the two ends of the cleaner together beneath the bead so that it becomes the doll’s “head.” (Leave enough of the ends untwisted to become “legs.”)
2.Twist the other pipe cleaner around the body to make “arms.”
3.Wrap the colored yarn, thread, or twine around the pipecleaner body, arms, and legs to look like clothes.
4.Before bedtime, hold the doll in your hand, close your eyes and repeat three times: “Trouble doll, I give you my worries.” State your worries. Then take a deep breath and say, “My troubles are gone!” Put the doll under your pillow and sleep tight!
KNOCK THREE TIMES
An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale!
JILL HACKLE HAUNTED antique shops every weekend looking for an old desk—and not just any old desk, her mother’s desk. When her mom died, the state had auctioned off all their stuff: the books, the furniture, the gnarled skeleton’s hand, the skull with the candle sticking out of it, and the fake Crown Jewels of Queen Victoria. They’d even sold her pet rat, Scratcher. At least, that’s what Matron told her when Scratcher went missing.
“No pets allowed in the orphanage, anyway, girlie,” Matron had sneered.
Jill missed her mother almost more than she could bear. It seemed so unfair that someone who’d spent her whole life studying death couldn’t find a way to stay out of its clutches.
Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 8