Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  STOP THE BALLOON! I WANT TO GET OFF

  Baumgartner’s leap through the sound barrier nearly got grounded. The problem? Felix was used to feeling the wind during jumps, but the pressurized suit and helmet designed by NASA felt like a full-body cast. He couldn’t feel the wind, so he didn’t know how to move his body against it. Result: panic attacks. It took a sports psychologist to help Baumgartner get the mind control he needed to go through with the jump.

  Psyching himself up wasn’t all the daredevil had to rely on for the jump: he also had the voice of 82-year-old retired Air Force colonel Joe Kittinger. In 1960, Kittinger had set the supersonic jump record Baumgartner was now trying to break. Kittinger would be the voice in Mission Control talking the younger daredevil through the jump, step by step. Baumgartner was glad to have the colonel yammering in his ear. It helped keep his mind off that claustrophobic spacesuit. And if he ran into trouble, Kittinger’s instructions might save his life.

  SPIN CITY

  Problems began on the balloon ride up. Baumgartner’s visor fogged up. He still wanted to go ahead, so colonel Kittinger helped him prepare to jump blind. Once he reached 128,000 feet—the edge of space—Baumgartner unbuckled his seatbelt. He edged forward until his feet rested on a platform the size of a skateboard. “Stow umbilical,” Kittinger instructed. “Stow both oxygen supply hoses. Stand up on the exterior step. Keep your head down. Release the helmet tie down strap. Start the cameras, and our guardian angel will take care of you.”

  At this point, Baumgartner’s voice sounded a lot like Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies—lots of heavy breathing with pauses between words. “Sometimes…you have to…go up really high…to understand…how small…you really are,” he said. Then he saluted and jumped.

  THIS MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL

  Within seconds, Felix was spinning out of control in the thin air. The worst thing that could go wrong? The atmosphere above 12 miles (63,000 feet) is so thin that if his airtight suit failed, his blood would literally boil. “There’s only one way for the blood to leave your body and that’s through your eyeballs. That means you’re dead,” Felix said later. “It was terrifying. You don’t want to die in front of your parents and all these people. I thought, please God, don’t let me down.”

  As his body spiraled, Baumgartner’s brain spun through the 40 different scenarios he’d discussed with Kittinger before the jump. That helped him regain control once the air thickened. He broke the sound barrier at 690 miles per hour (the speed of sound varies depending on altitude and other conditions). After 4 minutes and 20 seconds in free fall, Baumgartner pulled the ripcord and parachuted the last two miles to Earth. He landed on his feet in the New Mexico desert, knelt on the ground, and pumped his fists in the air. And then…he retired from the daredevil business.

  “Trust me,” he told reporters. “When you stand up there on top of the world you become so humble it’s not about breaking records anymore. It’s about coming home.”

  DARE-DEVILING NUMBERS

  8 MILLION. The number of YouTube viewers watching Felix’s jump, setting a record for a live YouTube event.

  128,100 FEET. The altitude Felix jumped from, setting the record for the highest altitude skydive, highest jump from a platform, and the highest manned balloon flight.

  119,846 FEET. The record for the longest distance for a free fall set by Felix Baumgartner on this jump.

  102,800 FEET. Colonel Joe Kittinger’s unofficial record jumping from a high-altitude balloon in 1960.

  2,900 POUNDS. The weight of the customized capsule Baumgartner rode up in and jumped from.

  833.9 MPH. Felix’s maximum vertical speed during his plummet to Earth, making him the first human to break the sound barrier outside a vehicle and earning him the record for the fastest free fall.

  807.2 MPH AT 43,000 FEET. Chuck Yeager’s numbers when he broke the sound barrier flying his bullet-shaped plane on October 14, 1947.

  300. The number of engineers, doctors, and other experts involved with the jump on the ground.

  24 MILES. How far above planet Earth Felix was when he jumped.

  5 YEARS. The time it took the Stratos Mission to prepare for Felix Baumgartner’s jump.

  70 BELOW ZERO F. The anticipated temperature in the ultra-thin atmosphere at the top of Felix’s jump.

  35 SECONDS. How long Felix spun wildly in the stratosphere before regaining control in thicker air.

  GHOUL SCHOOL

  Giggles and groaners for boys and ghouls.

  Q: How do ghouls watch cartoons?

  A: On a wide scream TV.

  Q: Why did the ghoul stay home from school?

  A: He was feeling rotten.

  LITTLE GHOUL: Why do you get to stay up late on Halloween but I don’t?

  BIG GHOUL: Because I’m the mummy.

  Q: What’s on the menu at ghoul school?

  A: Goulash and ghoul-aid.

  Q: How did the ghoul’s mom stop her from biting her nails?

  A: By making her wear shoes.

  GHOUL: My dog is just like one of the family.

  TEACHER: Which one?

  Q: How do ghouls like their eggs?

  A: Terror-fried.

  Q: Why didn’t the ghoul finish his math test?

  A: Because when he added four and four, he got ate.

  Q: What do you do if a ghoul rolls her eyes at you?

  A: Pick them up and roll them back.

  Q: Why was the ghoul’s mother so upset when he came home with a broken nose?

  A: He couldn’t remember who it belonged to.

  The Tell-Tale Fart

  by WILL STRONG

  SNAKE & SHAKE

  An Uncle John’s original!

  LAST NIGHT. . .

  my king snake passed away.

  I’d had him for two years.

  I’m not the kind of guy that cries,

  But—man—I shed some tears.

  I buried him out back, down deep,

  And spoke my parting words.

  My dad said he’d be happy, but

  I don’t think my snake heard.

  I could be wrong, though, ’cause tonight

  My king snake came alive.

  I watched him wiggle from the ground.

  I watched him jump and jive.

  He did a kind of crazy dance

  Perched right up on his tail.

  First he shimmied, then he shook,

  And then he gave a wail.

  I thought I must be dreaming, but

  I gave myself a poke.

  I shouted, “Ouch!” and after that

  My king snake hissed and spoke.

  “Lisssssten, Chad,” he said to me.

  “The timessss we had were fun.

  “I’m ssssssorry I can’t ssssstick around,

  But, well, I gotta run.”

  I blinked and raised a hand to him.

  I waved. “It’s cool,” I said.

  He slithered off with one more twirl.

  But—was he really dead?

  This morning, I went out to check…

  And—sure enough—he’s gone!

  And there are swirls and curlicues

  Spread all across the lawn.

  I think I’ll keep his secret.

  My parents have no clue.

  But I know I’m not crazy…

  My king snake knows it, too.

  I guess I should have known that if

  I named him for “The King,”

  That dead or not, that snake would rock.

  Keep rollin’, Elvis…sing!

  •••

  MONKEY BUTT

  An Uncle John’s Eerily Twisted Tale!

  GERALD LIVED ON THE MOST BORING street in the most boring neighborhood in the most boring town in the world. That’s why he found himself pawing through junk at an old man’s garage sale one Saturday morning. But what else was there to do? At that very moment, Gerald spied something at the bottom of a box. He grabbed hold and yanked it out. “
What the—” Gerald stared at the thing in his hand. “Is that a tail?”

  The old man chuckled behind him. “Yup. And it’s still attached to a monkey’s behind.”

  “A monkey’s butt? Gross!” Gerald dropped the tail.

  The old man picked it up and ran his thumb along the tail’s stiffened bristles. Then he looked Gerald right in the eyes and said, “It’s magic.”

  Gerald eyed him right back. “Magic? Then what’s it doing in a garage sale?”

  “Well, well.” The man nodded. “A smart kid, at last. Why would someone sell a magic object?” He leaned closer and waggled the monkey tail in Gerald’s face. “It’s three-wishes magic,” he said. “And I’ve used mine up.”

  Gerald’s eyes widened “Like in a fairy tale?”

  “A tale…yes.” The old man’s eyes twinkled. “And a savvy young man like you could have this magic monkey’s behind for a mere five bucks.” He winked.

  Gerald fingered the five-dollar bill in his pocket. “Three wishes, huh. What are the rules?”

  The old man’s eyes widened. “So, you’ve read the old stories! What do you know about three-wishes tales?”

  “Enough not to buy that thing without hearing the rules.” Gerald glared.

  “Okay. Here are the rules: One—You get three wishes and only three wishes. Two—You can’t use one of your wishes to wish for more wishes. Three—If you use a wish to undo one of your wishes, then you don’t get anything you wished for. And no refunds.”

  Gerald handed over the five, and the old man handed him the monkey butt. A weird tingling went up his arm and settled in his chest. Gerald grinned. He already knew what his first wish would be. “I wish there was a water park in this neighborhood so I’d never be bored again.” The tail twitched so hard he almost dropped it.

  The old man’s eyes saddened. “Haste makes waste, young man. But good luck.”

  When Gerald got home, his mom met him at the front gate. “Honey, I have something to tell you. It’s Arfy.”

  “Is he okay?” Gerald asked. Arfy was ancient and couldn’t see or hear much anymore. He smelled bad, and his fur was all patchy, but he was still Gerald’s best friend.

  “He got hit by a truck.” His mom’s eyes shone with tears. “The driver felt so bad, he gave me this.”

  Gerald stared at the slip of paper in her hand: LIFETIME PASS TO WATER WONDER WORLD.

  “It’s that new water park down the street,” said his mom as if she had no clue it was impossible to build a water park in a few hours. “One of their construction trucks ran over Arfy.”

  “Where is he?” Gerald tried to push past his mom. “I want to see him.”

  His mom put a hand on his shoulder. “Dad buried him in the backyard. We want you to remember him as he was.” Her head drooped. “Not the way he is now.”

  Gerald stared at the monkey butt clasped in his hand. What had he done?

  That night, Gerald lay in bed unable to sleep. He missed Arfy. “It’s my fault he got squished.” He got up and took the monkey butt out of the sock drawer. He’d already used one wish. If he used his second wish to wish his first wish undone, he’d lose his third wish, too. What could he do? An idea popped into his head. He could wish Arfy back to life! “I wish Arfy was undead,” he said. The tail twitched, and he heard his mother scream.

  Gerald ran downstairs and saw a trail of muddy paw prints. Then he saw Arfy. Arfy’s fur was even patchier. His eyes were hollow and his breath rasped, but Gerald gave him a huge hug anyway.

  “I guess we were wrong,” said Gerald’s dad. “Arfy wasn’t dead, after all.”

  But Gerald knew that wasn’t true. The next morning, Arfy looked even worse. He smelled worse, too.

  “We can’t have him in the house,” said his mom. “Take him with you to the water park.”

  Gerald patted Arfy, and Arfy’s left ear fell off. “Um, sure,” said Gerald. He got the tape out of the kitchen drawer and taped Arfy’s ear back on. Arfy didn’t seem to mind a bit.

  But the people at the water park minded. “What is that stench?” “You can’t bring that disgusting creature in here!” “That dog doesn’t have fleas, he has flies!”

  Gerald showed the gatekeeper his lifetime pass. “You can come in,” said the gatekeeper. “But that mutt stays outside.”

  Gerald looked longingly at the water park. His wish had worked. There was a water park on his street, but he couldn’t go in. And Gerald’s mom didn’t want Arfy at home anymore, either. He had one wish left. Gerald took the monkey butt out of his pack. The old man had said he was smart. Surely he could outwit a shriveled-up monkey’s behind. Gerald looked at Arfy and sighed. “I love you so much, buddy,” he said. Then he grinned. “And I wish everyone loved you just as much as I do.”

  The next morning at breakfast, Gerald showed Arfy the headline in the News Daily: INCREDIBLE ZOMBIE DOG LOVED WORLDWIDE.

  From then on, Gerald kept a roll of tape on hand to reattach the parts that kept falling off his undead dog. Arfy didn’t mind one bit. And Gerald always threw the monkey butt ahead of them as they walked to the water park. “Fetch, Arfy. Fetch!”

  THE END

  DEADLY WORDS

  When it comes to death, everyone has an opinion.

  “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

  —George Carlin

  “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

  —Woody Allen

  “I don’t fear death because I don’t fear anything I don’t understand. When I start to think about it, I order a massage and it goes away.”

  —Hedy Lamarr

  “Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.”

  —Donald Rumsfeld

  “Death is only a larger kind of going abroad.”

  —Samuel Butler

  “Death obsesses me. I can’t really understand why it doesn’t obsess everyone.”

  —J. K. Rowling

  “The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”

  —Dave Barry

  “I’ve never actually really believed death is inevitable. I just think it’s a rumor.”

  —David Carradine

  “For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow. Phone calls taper off.”

  —Johnny Carson

  ANSWER PAGES

  Find Count Fartula (page x)

  Count Fartula showed up 19 times in the book (pages i, ix, x, 23, 49, 74, 85, 115, 120, 129, 138, 188, 222, 228, and 288). If you found them all, you win Count Fartula’s Vapor of Doom. Here it is—Pfhtttttttt!

  Who’s Haunting Who? (page 24)

  Here’s the final scare…uhm, score: Craig is in the yellow room, haunted by the Butler. Tyler is in the gray room, haunted by Patrick. Jake is in the red room, haunted by Henry. Drew is in the blue room, haunted by Lucy.

  How to fill in the chart, clue by clue.

  Clue 1 tells us that the Butler is older than Henry.

  Clue 2 doesn’t help yet, but Clue 3 tells us that the Butler is also older than Lucy. Clue 4 tells us that Patrick is the youngest. Clue 5 gives us the first chance to eliminate a possibility, so X out GRAY in Craig’s row. Clue 6 tells us that Lucy does not haunt the red room (the ghost cries for his cat). Clue 7 tells us that the Butler (the oldest ghost) haunts the yellow room, so mark that with an O. Cross out the R, B, and G on the Butler’s line, and also cross out the Y for Patrick, Henry, and Lucy. Clue 8 places Patrick, the youngest ghost, in the gray room. When we cross out the possibilities on the chart, we see that Lucy has only one room left that she can haunt: the blue one. That leaves the red room for Henry. Now we know which room each ghost haunts. (Henry=red; Butler=yellow; Patrick=gray; Lucy=blue.) Clue 9 tells us that Drew is in the blue room, haunted by Lucy (because she’s restless). Clue 10 tells us Jake is not in the yellow room, because we know from Clue 2 that he chose the attic, and from
Clue 7 that the Butler doesn’t go up there. Clue 8 tells us that the blue room and the gray room are across the hall from each other. That means neither of them is in the attic: Clue 2 told us that there’s only one room up there. That puts the red room for the attic and that has to be where Jake is. That means Jake is haunted by Henry, who is in the red room. The only room remaining for Tyler is the gray one, so Craig must be in the yellow. Logical, yes?

  Beastly Big (page 104)

  1. C. giant beavers, 2. A. saber-tooth cats, 3. E. dire wolves, 4. B. giant short-faced bear, 5. D. the gigantic armadillo-like glyptodon.

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