The children were already sitting around the table eating breakfast when Grace entered the kitchen. Lizzy smiled brightly and the children all called out for her to sit beside them.
Grace laughed. She really had no idea why they liked her, but she had to admit it felt nice to be wanted. She just hoped they'd never find out that the auntie they seemed to love so much was a murderer. She chastised herself. She had to stop thinking like that.
"Let Auntie Grace pick her own seat." Lizzy shook her head at the children but laughed along with Grace, catching her eye as Grace chose a seat at the foot of the table on either side of James and Clare. "Coffee?"
"Yes, please."
Lizzy smiled warmly as she poured Grace's coffee and placed a mug of the steaming brew in front of her before taking her own seat beside Dillon. Lizzy knew better than to ask if she wanted breakfast, but the toast sitting on a plate in the middle of the table smelled good, so she reached out and took a slice.
"How are you feeling this morning? My muscles are really sore after all that dancing."
Grace chuckled. "The same... I could hardly move when I got up."
"Sounds like we need to do more exercise."
Grace grimaced as she buttered her toast. "I'm not sure my body could handle much more."
"Me either, but it was fun." Lizzy glanced at the clock on the wall. "Danny's already left to help prepare for the service, and we need to be leaving shortly."
"I'll just finish this and then help you with the children."
"Thanks, Grace." Lizzy met her gaze, a genuine smile on her face. "I'm glad you're coming."
Grace drew a breath and released it slowly. Going to church was so normal for Lizzy, but for her, it was anything but. The only memories she had of church angered her. Eight children and Mam, sitting all in a row on a hard pew, with Mam doing her best to keep them all quiet. Why she'd bothered, Grace really didn't know. It seemed more trouble than it was worth, especially since God hadn't stopped Mam from dying. If God had kept her alive, then Grace and Brianna would never have gone to live with Aunt Hilda, Brianna wouldn't have been raped or fallen pregnant, and Grace wouldn't have set that bomb and killed all those innocent people. So really, it was all God's fault. So what was she doing going back on her vow never to set foot in a church again? What had changed?
Grace nibbled her toast while the children chattered around her. Could she go through with this? She remembered Da's funeral. She hadn't wanted to go—she hated the man. The way he'd treated Mam was despicable. An abusive drunkard, he'd disappeared when Grace was eight, leaving Mam to look after all eight kids, including a baby. And then when he reappeared years after Mam died, Caleb and Danny had the gall to forgive the man. They said Da had 'found God', and that he was sorry for what he'd done. She didn't see him before he died, but she remembered the words spoken about him at his funeral…. it was like they were talking about a different person, not the Da she remembered. But something had happened inside her that day—a few chinks in her walls had been chipped away although she'd rebuilt them since. Was she ready if that happened again? No, she wouldn't let it. It was just emotion. She'd put on her lawyer's hat and assess everything. She wouldn't let herself get caught up in all that like Brianna had.
"Auntie Gwace…" A small voice came to her. How long had Clare been tapping her arm?
Grace blinked. "Sorry Clare, what did you say?"
Clare stuck her thumb in her mouth and giggled.
"Clare, don't put your dirty fingers on Auntie Grace's shirt." Standing, Lizzy grabbed the cloth. "Here, let me wipe it for you, Grace."
"Don't worry, Lizzy, it's fine." Grace waved her off. "It's just a bit of jam."
Shortly after, Lizzy and Grace walked with the children into the small chapel sitting on the far side of the main Elim Community building. Built of stone, it had once been a barn, but several years ago it had been renovated and made into a simple place of worship, and now it even had stained glass windows. It wasn't just the students and staff of the Community who attended. People came from miles around as the small church's reputation for preaching God's word without compromise had spread over the years.
The chapel was already half full when they took their seats at the back. "I have to sit back here because of the children," Lizzy whispered to Grace.
Suited her… she could hide back here... well, almost. Her heart quickened when Ryan caught her eye and lifted his hand in a wave. An easy smile played at the corners of his mouth, and in his pale blue jeans and white polo shirt, his toned body looked so masculine and appealing. It probably wasn't appropriate in a place like this, but her flesh tingled at the memory of being in his arms last night as they danced. She nodded and returned his smile.
Brianna and the other students sat towards the front. They had chapel every day, so this would be nothing new for them, but Grace was surprised that as well as a piano, a small band filled the left front of the church. A young girl with a violin, another with a flute, a young man with a guitar, and yet another young man sitting behind a set of drums. At least there wasn't a bagpipe.
Clare climbed onto Grace's lap, but when the music began playing a few moments later, everyone stood. Awkward… what should she do? She glanced at Lizzy. She'd stood and had James in her arms. Grace guessed she should do the same. Standing, she lifted Clare up and positioned the little girl on her hip. It felt strange, but kind of nice. How did Lizzy normally do it on her own? At least Dillon seemed happy to stand on his own, although he jumped up and down on the seat behind Lizzy. Mam would never have let us get away with that.
Although the songs were unfamiliar, the tunes were catchy and the band played well, but Grace was determined not to join in. Singing was just one of the ways they got at vulnerable people. Instead, she studied the congregation as her gaze travelled from one side of the building to the other, but her gaze got stuck on Ryan and Danny, who both stood near the front on the opposite side to the band. More masculine men would be hard to find, but here they both were, singing, clapping, and waving their hands in the air. Unbelievable.
Grace drew a breath and smiled at Clare as the little girl played with Grace's earring. She was such a precious little girl, and Grace's heart softened.
The singing continued, probably a little too long for Grace's liking, but then Danny stepped to the front and welcomed everyone, and then he asked everyone to join him in prayer. Grace swapped Clare to her other hip. She didn't know how Lizzy could hold them for so long.
Instead of closing her eyes, Grace kept hers on Danny. Was he play acting? She had to know. After hearing his story last night, she seemed to think he wasn't. Danny's remorse over what he'd done had certainly sounded genuine, as did his belief that Jesus had forgiven him and given him new life, but was he deluded? As he prayed, he held one hand in the air, but it didn't look like he was acting. Grace got the impression he was in awe of the God he was praying to, and His words confirmed that.
"Lord God, our Heavenly Father, we stand in Your presence today, in awe of what You have done, and who You are. You're the Almighty God, the creator of heaven and earth, and we bow before you in humble adoration. There is none like you, oh God. Open our hearts and minds to Your love, and speak to those who don't know You yet. Those who are struggling with things in their past that are weighing them down, those who are carrying guilt over actions and thoughts that have created a barrier between You and them. Let them know the freedom of forgiveness that Jesus bought for them when He died on the cross for them, and the joy of the new life that is waiting for all those who believe. Please be with us today, dear Lord, and be with Ryan as he brings us Your message. In Jesus' precious name, Amen."
Grace gulped. If he was making it up, he was a very good actor.
Danny sat and Ryan took his place at the front. Grace straightened, fixing her eyes on Ryan, mesmerised by his warm, genuine smile and his relaxed demeanour. He radiated a vitality that drew her like a magnet and her whole being waited eagerly to hear what he had to say.
Resting his hands on the lectern, Ryan gazed around the congregation, his eyes soft and caring. Grace's heart quickened when his gaze lingered on hers momentarily.
"Let me start by asking a question." He paused and took a sip of water. "I don't ask this lightly or in judgment, but because it's important. Even if you've accepted Christ into your heart, you might not be experiencing the full freedom that Jesus came to give you. Jesus came to this earth to free you from the bondage of sin and death, to give you new life here and now." He paused, casting his gaze around the congregation. "But are you experiencing that new life and freedom, or are you chained to the past? Is there something you've done, something you've thought, or has something been done to you, an insult, a slur, a put down, or even worse, have you been rejected or abused, that's set like some immovable dead weight in your soul and every time you try to move forward in your life, spiritually or emotionally, this incident just chains you to the ground?"
Grace shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Ryan's question pierced her heart like an arrow. Had he planned this just for her? She gulped. Did he know about her past?
Ryan continued. "If you're carrying guilt over something, or if you feel you're unworthy of love because of the shame of what might have happened to you, or you believe you're a failure for whatever reason, let me tell you, Jesus is your freedom. He has the power to break the bondage of the past, whatever you've done, or whatever has happened to you. He can free you from it.
"You might be asking how He can do that, especially if you've already asked Him into your life and you still feel the weight of that bondage. Firstly, if you're in bondage because of something you've done, you need to receive the Lord's forgiveness. Come to the cross of Jesus, and realise afresh, or perhaps for the first time, the power of the cross in your life. The cross is our freedom. It doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter what's in your past, how ugly, how brutal, or how violent it is, it doesn't matter how badly you've messed up, the cross can set you free. Let me read from Colossians chapter 2, verses 13 and 14: "… God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross." Do you understand what God's saying here? All our sins are forgiven—not just some, but all. We stand holy and blameless before our Lord because of the cross. Jesus died for all our sins."
A hush fell over the chapel. Grace couldn't take her eyes off him—he really meant this stuff, and her heart pounded.
Ryan's voice softened. "If you're chained by something that was done to you, you might need to be healed at a deeper level, but know that as you have a new identity in Christ, you're not chained to whatever happened to you, because Jesus buried your past forever and has given you new life. You're in a new place, and you're no longer a slave to anything in your past. I want to encourage you today to take God at His word. If He says you're a new creation because you've accepted Jesus as your Saviour, that's what you are. The old has gone, the new has come. The bondage of your past is broken, and you can live in the freedom that Jesus bought for you on the cross. If you don't know that freedom, come to the cross today. While we sing the last song, come, but before we sing, please join me in prayer." He held his hand up as he bowed his head.
"Lord God, thank you that Jesus died on the cross for all our sins, not just some of them. There is nothing that any of us can't be forgiven of, and there's nothing that's been done to any of us that can't be healed by the love of Jesus. Help us to grasp the fact that the cross is our freedom, and that Jesus came so that we might have new life, here and now. In Jesus' precious name, Amen." He looked up slowly and smiled. "Let's sing, and while we sing, come forward if you need to do business with God."
The band started, and everyone stood. Grace's heart continued to pound. Ryan had been very convincing, and she was almost tempted to go forward, but she wouldn't. How did she really know it wasn't just some kind of emotional manipulation? But she had to agree that it certainly sounded good. To be free of guilt, how would that feel? Instead of going forward, she'd talk to him about it. She had to do something.
The song mimicked Ryan's sermon…
Would you be free from the burden of sin?
There's power in the blood, power in the blood
Would you o'er evil a victory win?
There's wonderful power in the blood.
There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the blood of the Lamb
There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb
Tears stung Grace's eyes as Brianna and Brayden, along with some others walked forward and knelt down on the steps at the front. Danny, Ryan, David and Rosemary knelt with them, placing their hands on their shoulders.
Grace glanced at Lizzy... her eyes glistened. Lizzy reached out her hand and Grace took it.
Lizzy squeezed it and then slipped her arm around Grace's shoulders, pulling her close. Clare touched Grace's cheek with her chubby fingers.
"What's wrong, Auntie Gwace?"
"Nothing, sweetheart. Auntie Grace is fine." Grace pulled Clare closer and hugged her. She wasn't fine, and she knew it.
The song continued, and Grace's heart still raced. The weight of her burden was so heavy, and growing heavier by the minute. But she couldn't do it. She drew in a slow breath and steadied herself as the song came to an end. She was a barrister, and she wasn't going to be drawn in unless she could prove it all true, but deep in her heart, she prayed that it was. But could she really expect God, if He existed, to forgive her of murder?
The service ended. Grace dabbed her eyes with a tissue and hoped her mascara hadn't run. Many people remained in their seats while the band continued playing, a lot of them with bowed heads. Others hugged each other, and others walked out quietly.
Lizzy gathered the children's books and placed them in a bag, and then stood, giving Grace a warm smile. "Are you ready to go?"
Grace nodded. Standing, she lifted Clare back onto her hip and followed Lizzy and the other two children outside. Yesterday's smirr had returned, but nobody seemed to mind. It was so fine it was barely noticeable.
Lizzy stopped and turned to Grace. "We normally have lunch with the students after church. Do you want to do that, or would you rather go home for lunch?"
Grace was in two minds. She needed to talk with someone, but who? Lizzy, Danny, Ryan? Could she face being amongst all the students and pretend everything was fine, or should she go back to the cottage with Lizzy? She'd rather talk with Ryan, but he was still busy with other people. Maybe talking with Lizzy was the thing to do now. She could talk with Ryan later.
"Can we go back to the cottage? Would you mind?"
Lizzy rubbed Grace's arm. "Not at all, Grace. Dillon will probably want to stay—he loves Sunday lunch at the Hall, but we can take these two." Lizzy glanced at James and Clare and smiled at them.
"Thanks, Lizzy. I appreciate that." Grace was struggling to speak.
Shortly after, Grace and Lizzy settled into Lizzy's comfortable and homely living room with mugs of hot coffee and a sandwich each. Lizzy put a children's programme on the television for James and Clare to watch, and then turned her attention to Grace.
"I'm a good listener, Grace. I can see something's going on inside you, but I also know how hard it can be to talk about things. I hope you'll trust me enough to share what's on your heart, but just tell me what you want, nothing more, nothing less. Danny and I would just love to see you free from whatever's troubling you."
Tears pricked Grace's eyes. She drew a deep breath. Now the moment had come, she really had no idea where to start. Her pulse raced. So many years of building walls, and now they were crumbling around her. But Lizzy was the first real friend she had, and so there really was no better time to start.
She let out her breath. "I don't know where to start, Lizzy. There are things in my past I've never told anyone, and I sti
ll can't." She looked down at the bright red mug in her hands. "The service was moving, and Ryan spoke well… he was very convincing." She looked up and smiled. "He could almost be a barrister. I was tempted to go forward, but I need to know that what he was saying is true. I'm not just going to blindly believe."
"Nobody would expect you to do that, Grace." Lizzy sat forward and smiled. "There's plenty of proof that Jesus existed, that He really did come to earth and lived here amongst us. There's also plenty of proof that He died on the cross and that He rose again, but the main proof is in the lives He changes and their testimonies. Believing is one thing, but accepting and following is another. It's not until you take that step of faith that you really know, because something changes in your heart that nothing can explain. It's spiritual, and it's like nothing you've ever experienced before, but I can understand where you're coming from." Lizzy straightened. "How about you and I do a study of John's gospel? We can take our time, and you can ask as many questions as you want, and we can do research as well as we go. I've also got some other books you might like to read. Apologetic type books that provide arguments for and against God's existence and Jesus's death and resurrection, as well as a lot of other issues that people ask questions about. How does that sound?"
"I think I'd like that, Lizzy. I need to do something, because I don't think I can go on like this much longer." Grace covered her face with trembling hands as tears streamed down her cheeks.
Lizzy moved swiftly and sat beside her, wrapping her arms around her, comforting her. "It's okay, Grace. I'm here for you… God's here for you."
Grace sobbed until she could sob no more. Her heart felt constricted, heavy. She felt ill.
"Can I pray for you, Grace?" Lizzy brushed Grace's forehead with her fingers as she peered into her eyes.
Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Trilogy Book 4) Page 14