Chasing Dreams

by Susan Lewis

  Except everything came back to Michael in the end and it would be just like her to create an issue where there was none, just so’s she’d have an excuse to call him – or to give herself some vain and pathetic hope that Forgon might one day succeed in getting him to come to LA.

  It was so torturous and cruel, the way her heart wouldn’t let her give up, even though she knew they could never work out now, even if he were to come to LA. Michelle and their son would come with him – and that was something she really wouldn’t be able to bear. But to see him, or just to hear him was a longing she couldn’t get out of her mind. It was why, in truth, she had to get away, because despite all her efforts to convince herself and the world she was coping, she was in fact a very, very long way from it.

  As far as Sandy was concerned there was only one aspect of Michael’s and Michelle’s reunion that was bearable and that was what it was undoubtedly doing to Ellen. And in truth she wasn’t even sure about that, for knowing that Ellen’s suffering was very probably greater than hers – and more justified – made her feel somehow diminished and cheated, and more resentful than ever at being upstaged by the American yet again.

  At least Michelle had been on the scene before, which in its way gave her a prior right to Michael, especially now everyone knew they had a son, whereas Ellen had just stolen in and snatched him right from under Sandy’s nose. So whatever heartache Ellen Shelby was enduring she damned well deserved. And as far as Michelle was concerned Sandy just couldn’t see it working out, not when so much time had gone by and when Michael could never trust her not to go running off on her errands of mercy again. So there was just no way Sandy was giving up hope, for by the time it fell apart with Michelle, Ellen would very likely be involved with someone else and she, Sandy, would be running the London end of World Wide, the company into which Michael had sunk virtually all of McCann Walsh’s profits and a good proportion of his personal wealth too.

  He must know by now that she had bought into World Wide, though she wondered if he had any idea who had backed her. He wasn’t going to be pleased about that, but at least it would show him how determined and worthy a partner she could be. Of course he was going to need some time to get over the shock, which was no doubt why she hadn’t heard from him yet, and she had to confess she was nervous about what he was going to say when she did. His anger was going to hurt her, she knew that already, but she had to make herself see past it and remember that ultimately, what she had done was going to give them both all the rewards they had ever dreamed of.

  Maurice had explained to her just a couple of weeks ago that McCann Walsh could no longer function the way it was, too many of its assets were invested in World Wide and the controlling share of World Wide now belonged to Ted Forgon. As payment for the information she had given him, Forgon had promised her the senior position in London, which meant that Michael, when he resurfaced from domesticity, was going to find himself, on the World Wide front at least, working for her. Naturally, she would allow him to make most of the decisions, as his experience was far greater than hers, and she was going to be at pains to let him know that would be the case. She didn’t want there to be any antagonism, she simply wanted him to know that she loved him enough to hand back all that she had taken.

  ‘In exchange for what?’ Nesta had asked on one of the many occasions the two of them had sat discussing it long into the night. ‘His hand in marriage?’ She scoffed. ‘You can’t buy people like that, Sandy.’

  ‘I’m not buying him, I’m just showing him how much I’m prepared to give him,’ Sandy protested. ‘On condition.’

  Nesta rolled her eyes. ‘Well, I suppose condition’s a better word than blackmail,’ she said. ‘So what is this condition?’

  Sandy coloured. ‘That we become partners, of course.’

  ‘So I was right. His hand in marriage.’

  ‘In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in love with him, Nesta …’

  ‘Bullshit,’ Nesta cut in. ‘You’re no more in love with him than I am, and if you ask me you never were. He was just the first man you met when you came to London who was rich and powerful and good-looking enough to turn every other woman’s head. You wanted him because you thought it would turn you into a somebody, because you had no confidence in yourself, no self-esteem or self-respect. You assumed, because he’s the kind of man he is, that he could change all that. You never seemed to understand that it had to come from you, not from someone else. Yet you did it anyway. You’ve got your own business, you’re successful in your own right, you’ve pulled off a major deal with Ted Forgon and Mark Bergin and you’ve stitched up Michael good and proper. You did all that yourself. OK, with some help from me and a lot from Maurice, but you’re the one who runs the show, you’re the real brains behind it, the one with a gift for recognizing talent and utilizing assets, and you’re the one who’s getting written up all over the place as the hottest thing since toast. We’ve got nearly two thirds of our acting list out there working and half the writers. Harry’s producers and directors have hardly stopped and the drive, the energy, the guts it took to get the team together in the first place all came from you. You’re incredible, do you know that? You go out there and give a performance that’s got the whole world convinced you’re going to be bigger than Salinger, yet here, behind the scenes, you act like a kid. So why not do yourself a favour and start facing up to the fact that not only are you never going to get Michael McCann, you damn well don’t want him anyway. What’s more you don’t even need him. You’ve done it. You’re out there, you’re one of the tall poppies now.’

  ‘Tall poppies get their heads lopped off,’ Sandy reminded her.

  ‘Well, you know what I mean,’ Nesta responded. ‘You’re so far away from that pathetic creature I found weeping in a Barking bedsit, you’ve grown so much since then and so bloody fast it’s frightening. But emotionally, Sandy, you’re so immature I swear you’re going backwards. Now for God’s sake, put an end to this crush, or whatever you want to call it, and find someone who’s right for you, who’s really going to love you and appreciate you for the woman you are. And you’re in there somewhere, I know it. You just keep hiding behind that star-struck kid who, by the miracles of fate and a rich man’s infatuation, managed to take away the best part of Michael McCann’s livelihood and is now trying to force him to live with her in order to get it back. Well, take it from me, Sandy, it’s not going to work – on that basis it doesn’t even stand a chance.’

  Ever since that night Sandy had tried to put Nesta’s words out of her mind, but they just kept coming back. It wasn’t that she thought Nesta was right, but she had to concede that maybe she had a point. In fact, Michael probably hated her for what she had done and she could hardly blame him for that, when the last thing he needed, now he had a family to get used to, was to be trying to sort out the mess she had created.

  Chapter 29

  ZELDA WAS STANDING on the balcony of Michael’s apartment, idly watching the river flow by and listening to the late evening bird-song. The air was freshened by the invigorating scent of early summer and the music drifting from the hi-fi was suitably dreamy and filled with nostalgia. Closing her eyes, she let the rhythm steal over her, until the telephone sliced into the moment and hearing Michael go to answer it she turned to gaze downriver to Chelsea Harbour and the McCann Walsh offices.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ Michael said, joining her a few minutes later with two large gin and tonics. ‘It was Michelle calling to say good-night to Robbie.’

  Zelda smiled and took her drink. ‘Did you wake him?’ she asked.

  Michael shook his head. ‘He’s had a busy day over at Colleen’s with his cousins. He’s shattered.’

  ‘And Michelle? Where’s she?’

  Michael waggled his eyebrows in a teasing fashion, then, taking a sip of his drink he said, ‘Michelle is at her sister’s, in Wales.’

  Zelda screwed up her nose. ‘Wales?’ she repeated, turning to follow him inside. ‘I thought her
sister lived in Spain.’

  ‘That’s the other sister,’ Michael reminded her. ‘There are three of them.’

  Zelda nodded and sank into one of the sumptuous leather sofas. Evidence of Robbie was everywhere now, from the scattered toys over in his play area to the newly framed photographs on shelves and tables and all the childish drawings decorating the fridge. He’d shown her his bedroom himself, just after he and Daddy had finished doing it up together. He was so proud of it, with its Thomas the Tank Engine bunk beds, Winnie the Pooh and Power Rangers posters; his garage, his train set, his pedal car and big, shiny blue bike with stabilizers that he had assured Zelda he wasn’t going to need for very long. He had so many toys and books and puzzles and games that like a child at Christmas he hadn’t known which to play with first.

  Though grateful for the incredible generosity of family, friends and even strangers, Michael and Michelle had tried hard to keep most of the gifts back, not wanting to overwhelm him, or to encourage him to become blasé, but as he was continually being asked what he thought of this action man or that drum set, they had given in and decided to let him be spoiled for a while.

  Actually, Zelda reflected, he had settled in so well it was already becoming hard to remember a time when he wasn’t there and she only had to look at Michael to see what a difference the child had made to his father’s life. Gone was the guilt that had tormented him since the day Michelle left, gone too was the tension that had stolen a light from his eyes and an ease from his manner, which had been so much a part of him before. The real Michael was back, the man she had known and loved, laughed with, played with, taken risks with and triumphed with. His old energy was restored and it was so plain to see how much he was enjoying life now, and the pleasure he took in his son was so moving, that Zelda couldn’t have been happier were it happening to her.

  ‘What are you smiling at?’ Michael asked, lifting his feet on to the coffee table between them.

  ‘You,’ she answered, ‘and how relaxed you look these days, which, considering the unholy mess the agency is in, is no mean feat.’

  Michael’s eyes narrowed humorously, but instead of answering, he merely took another sip of his drink.

  Zelda waited, certain he would pick up the baton any minute, but he didn’t, so leaving him to get to it in his own time, she returned to the subject of his personal life, which he seemed more willing to discuss. ‘How come Michelle didn’t take Robbie to her sister’s?’ she asked. ‘I’d have thought his aunt was longing to meet him.’

  ‘She met him a couple of weeks ago, here in London,’ Michael answered. He paused for a moment, then added, ‘And Michelle thought it would be a good idea for Robbie and me to have some time without her.’

  Zelda’s eyebrows rose. ‘Oh?’ she said. ‘Do I take it from that things aren’t going too well, or is it just a bit of male bonding you’re up to?’

  Michael chuckled. ‘Actually, both,’ he replied.

  Zelda pursed her lips and looked at him with her shrewd grey eyes.

  ‘Cavan’s gone to Wales with her,’ Michael said.

  ‘Oh, I see,’ Zelda responded. ‘Or do I?’

  Michael grinned. ‘I think you do,’ he told her. ‘That is, inasmuch as any of us see anything right now. I guess the easiest way to sum it up, though, is that Michelle is going through a bit of a rough time trying to decide between me and Cavan.’

  Zelda’s surprise was genuine. ‘But I thought …’ she began.

  ‘That we had it all sorted out,’ Michael supplied. ‘So did I. So did she, until we started living together and it hasn’t taken very long for us to discover that maybe we haven’t made the right decision. At least not for us.’

  ‘Och, dear,’ Zelda muttered. ‘And we all thought …’ Her eyes returned to Michael’s. ‘Has she left you?’ she said.

  Michael laughed. ‘I don’t know that I’d put it quite like that,’ he answered.

  ‘But she’s gone to Wales with Cavan. Does she still love him?’

  Michael shrugged. ‘I’m not sure even Michelle knows the answer to that,’ he replied, ‘which is why they’re spending this time together. They’ll stay a couple of days with Marianne, Michelle’s sister, then they’re taking a cottage somewhere, I believe. Actually, I should tell you at this point that having experienced first hand the kind of torture and abuse going on in the world, Cavan’s now hell bent on getting back out there to bring down as many Pedro Pastillanos as he can. Needless to say, this holds great appeal for Michelle.’

  Zelda was regarding him closely, searching for any signs of how he might feel about that, but the humour in his eyes was impossible to get past. ‘I’ve got to say you seem very relaxed about it all,’ she said suspiciously.

  Michael nodded and sucked in his bottom lip, as though considering her remark. ‘To a certain degree I am,’ he said eventually, ‘but that’s only because the problem is less mine than Michelle’s.’

  Zelda waited for him to continue, knowing that at last she was about to learn the real reason he had invited her over tonight.

  ‘So she tells me,’ Michael said, cupping his drink in his lap and gazing absently out at the twilight, ‘she had a sudden blinding revelation when we were in Rio that she had to come back to me, that it was all she wanted and that though she loved Cavan, it wasn’t in the same way she loved me. She wanted us to be together as a family, me, her and Robbie, and she wanted, if I were willing, for us to try to love each other again. And, of course, for Robbie’s sake I was willing to give it a go. But we’re not even a couple of months along the road yet and already it’s pretty evident it’s not going to work. We’ve changed. We’re different people now and though I’ll always care for her, love her even, I just don’t feel the way I once did. And she senses it. She was the one who brought it up in fact, and I didn’t want to lie to her. So, whether she’s as torn between me and Cavan as she’s now claiming to be only she knows. It could be a kind of face-saver, which wouldn’t be very fair on Cavan, but would be human, and Cavan’s big enough to take care of himself. Or it could be that by confessing I didn’t feel the same way about her, I’ve now given her the freedom to do what she really wants. Except she genuinely is confused about that, because she doesn’t want to leave Robbie, nor does she want to take him away from me.’

  Zelda’s eyes remained on his as she took a generous sip of her drink. ‘Mmm,’ she said, ‘a dilemma indeed, and one made harder if she really is intending to return to the field.’

  ‘I think she would like to, but she knows she can’t take Robbie again. It’s no life for a child and it’s time he was at a proper school with other kids his age. She’s not arguing that, obviously, but it’s going to be hard for her to let him go and I don’t want to force him to live with me if he’d rather be with his mother. At the moment, he’s happy to stay with me, but Michelle’s not very far away, they speak every day on the phone and I’m still a novelty for him. What it’s going to be like if she takes off for Africa, or India, or wherever’s next on her agenda, and the reality of Michelle not being there starts to set in … Well, it’s impossible to say how he’ll be.’

  ‘Have you discussed it with him?’ Zelda asked.

  ‘Not really. He’s too young to take it all in and besides, you’ve seen what he’s like, he’s flexible, totally independent, far too good-natured and will do whatever we tell him to do. Of course, he can be as naughty as sin when he wants to be and he’s got a wicked temper, but on the whole he’s a well-adjusted kid – which considering the way he’s grown up so far is pretty miraculous. But he seems so together at times that it would be easy to forget he’s just as vulnerable as any other boy his age.’

  ‘Vulnerable, yes,’ Zelda said, ‘but most kids are tougher than we give credit for, and as long as they’re loved and given all the proper care and attention it’s not going to matter much where they live. Africa and India wouldn’t be a good choice, however, at least not in the conditions Michelle would be in.’

  �
��Which is why we gave him the option of going to Wales with her,’ Michael said, ‘or staying here with me. It was a small test and not really that conclusive, but he didn’t even hesitate. Whether it’s going to be what he wants long term, though, we’ve yet to find out. For now, we’ve decided that he stays with me for a year, seeing Michelle and speaking to her as often as he can, after that we’ll review the situation. If he wants to go back with her, she’ll return to England and live with him here. If he wants to stay with me, obviously we’ll just carry on with the arrangements we’ll already have in place by then.’

  Zelda inhaled deeply. ‘My, you have been working things through,’ she said, draining her glass. ‘And what would these arrangements be, presuming you’re intending to return to work one of these days?’

  Smiling, Michael got to his feet and went to refill their glasses.

  ‘And what about Ellen?’ Zelda called after him. ‘Have you spoken to her? Or is that all over now?’

  ‘I will be returning to work,’ Michael said, coming back with fresh drinks, ‘but not just yet.’

  Zelda shook her head in confusion. ‘I don’t understand,’ she told him, mentally noting that once again he’d managed to side-step the issue of Ellen. ‘You know what a mess everything’s in and it’s not going to get any better until you’re back on board.’

  ‘Have you seen anything of your new boss?’ he asked.

  ‘Not yet, but she’s sure to put in an appearance sooner or later. So what I want to hear now is that you’re going to fight for the agency and make damned sure that World Wide is wrested back from Sandy Paull’s and Ted Forgon’s control.’