by Leger, Lori
The next morning, Jackson awoke to rain and disappointment that he wouldn’t get to see ‘his girls’ as he’d begun to think of them. When he called Giselle to tell her he wouldn’t make it because of the weather, she said it was fine, and hung up before he could ask to speak to either Mac or Lexie. He spent the day missing the children he’d grown so fond of, wishing he had another excuse to see them other than yard work.
By Tuesday afternoon, he was missing them so badly, wild horses couldn’t have kept him away from Mac’s game. He saw them again for Lexie’s game on Thursday. Giselle attended neither.
The next Saturday, Jackson arrived at Giselle’s around nine a.m., to the delight of both children. Before he even got out of his Avalanche, the two excited little girls ran out to greet him. He hoisted Lexie into the air and hugged Mac as she wrapped her arms around him.
“Are you two ready to get to work? Maybe if we get mom’s yard looking good it’ll make her feel better.”
“Maybe she’ll want to come outside with us when we’re finished. We used to spend a lot of time on the patio with Mama and Daddy. We’d even eat out here,” Mac said.
Jackson ruffled her hair. “It’s worth a try, sweet girl.”
Carrie walked out of the house to greet him.
“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said.
“I came by to see if she needed anything this morning. She’s up and dressed, and there’s coffee in the kitchen if you want some. Those two monkeys have been up since the crack of dawn waiting for you to show up.”
Jackson beamed at the two girls playing on the patio. “How’s Giselle?”
Carrie climbed into her Explorer. “Physically, she’s fine. Mentally,” she lowered her voice to a whisper. “Well, that’s an entirely different story. I surely thought she’d have pulled herself out of this by now.”
“It’s only been …”
“I know it’s only been three months, but those poor girls, Jackson. The sadness in that house.” She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s overwhelming. I hope she snaps out of this soon, because her girls need their mother. They’re all hurting so badly right now.”
She started her truck and put it in drive. “Make sure she eats and see if you can get her outside for a little sunshine.”
“I’ll do my best,” he said.
By eleven o’clock, he was finished with the mowing and trimming. By eleven thirty, Giselle’s yard, porch, and patio were all in pristine condition, thanks to the hard work of Jackson and the girls.
“Who’s hungry?” he asked.
“Me!” Lexie threw her hand up in the air.
“Me too!” Mac called out to him.
“What are y’all hungry for? It’s my treat, because you two did such a great job at helping me.”
Lexie wanted McDonald’s and Mac wanted pizza, so Jackson decided to compromise. “How about if we order pizza then get some chicken nuggets for Lex before we pick it up? What do you think your Mom will want to eat?”
The girls grew ominously quiet before exchanging looks. They turned back to face Jackson.
“Mama doesn’t eat anymore,” Lex said.
“Only when Carrie makes her,” Mac added.
Lexie turned her green gold eyes on him. “If Carrie’s not around, she won’t eat at all.”
“Well, then, we may have to call Carrie in. I’d rather have your mom mad at me than Carrie.”
They entered the kitchen through the back door. When they walked inside, Giselle looked up from the crossword puzzle she was working.
“Giselle, I thought I’d order a couple of pizza’s from the place here in town. Do you have the number?”
Giselle gave him a vacant look. “It’s in the phone book on that table. Look up the Pizza Depot.”
He found the number and addressed her again. “I like everything on mine, but what do you order for the girls?”
“That’s fine,” she said, not looking up.
As Jackson reached for his phone, Mac pulled him down to her level, whispering something in his ear. He nodded and kept an eye on Giselle as he dialed the number. He ordered one pizza with everything, and a second with no jalapenos, a standard topping, unless otherwise requested.
He ended the call, and turned to her. “Giselle, is it okay if I bring the girls with me to pick up the food?”
She nodded without making eye contact.
Jackson got the girls buckled into the back seat and started his truck, planning his first stop. A comment from Lexie jerked him from his thoughts, leaving him breathless.
“Mama doesn’t care about us anymore, Jackson.”
Jackson swallowed hard before answering. “That isn’t true, Lex.”
“Yes, it is,” Mackenzie agreed with her sister. “She knows we can’t eat those peppers because they’re too hot. We always ordered one with everything for daddy and one without peppers for us.”
Jackson gazed back at the two girls, not knowing quite what to tell them. They both looked so sad and dejected he wanted to cry for them. He backed slowly out of the driveway onto the street, driving slowly so they’d have time to talk. “Girls, do you know what it means when someone is depressed?”
“I think it means they’re sad,” Mac answered.
“That’s right, but it’s more than that. It’s a sadness so bad that sometimes they can’t get back to their lives. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re acting that way. Your mom is depressed about losing your dad.”
Mac’s eyes narrowed angrily. “But, shouldn’t she be thankful that she still has us? Like me and Lex were thankful that we didn’t lose both mama and daddy. We’re still here.”
The bitterness in her tone shocked him. Sheesh. Out of the mouths of babes.
“Mac, that’s one of the symptoms of depression. She can’t help what she’s feeling.”
“If daddy had lived and she had died, he would have taken better care of us than she is,” she said.
Jackson turned in his seat to face her. “Mackenzie, don’t ever think that and don’t say that again. Your mom loves you two more than anything. She just needs a little help right now. I think she needs to see a doctor.”
“You can go to a doctor for being sad?” Lexie asked.
“You sure can. Just like if you were sick or had a pain in your foot. You could go to a doctor for help. It’s the same way with depression. A doctor can give her medicine that would help her not to feel so sad.
Lexie looked up at him with those beautiful eyes, so much like Giselle’s. “Can you bring her, Jackson?”
“It’s not my place to talk to her about it, but I bet Carrie can. You know what might help?”
“What?” they asked, in unison.
“If you both said a prayer for your mom and asked God to help her get through this.”
Lexie’s little face scrunched up in wonder. “Jackson, can God hear me praying even if I whisper?”
“You know, I’ve always believed that God is so powerful, he can hear you even if you think it to yourself.”
“He must have really good ears!” she said, clearly impressed.
“Oh yeah. He has the best hearing in the world.”
Both girls got quiet for a few moments and when Jackson checked out his rearview mirror, he saw that Lexie had her eyes squeezed tightly shut and her lips were moving in silent prayer. He looked over at Mackenzie’s head, also bowed in prayer. He smiled before sending his own prayer to the man above.
Jackson purchased what they needed to lay out the meal then went to McDonald’s and the Pizza parlor for their food. Once home, Mac and Jackson set the patio table while Lex filled cups with ice. After they had laid everything out on the table, the three of them went in to let Giselle know lunch was ready.
Giselle looked up at them from her same spot at the end of the sofa. “I’m not hungry.”
The girls faces deflated in disappointment. No way in hell was he letting this one go without a fight. He walked over to Gisel
le and stood over her with his hand out. “Come on Giselle, you are not getting me in trouble with Carrie. I’m under strict orders to make sure you eat and get some sunshine today, in that order. Besides, the girls went through a lot of trouble to make sure it looks pretty for you.” He brushed off her protests. “No excuses now, take my arm.”
She glared up at him with angry eyes. “You’re not my boss here. Quit trying to make me do something I’m not ready to do.”
He looked over at the children. They stared at their mother as though she were a complete stranger. “Girls, go outside and wait for us, we’ll be there soon.” When they walked outside and closed the door behind them, he turned back to Giselle.
“So, what you’re telling me is you’re not ready to share a meal with your children? You’re not ready to spend a few minutes with your daughters, who are also hurting because they’ve lost their father?”
She lowered her head. He immediately felt guilty for upsetting her. “Come on, Giselle. Just a bite of pizza. It’ll do you good to get a little sun.” He felt encouraged as she pulled herself up off the sofa. He followed her to the door and opened it for her, hoping she’d give her girls the reaction they so desperately longed for.
Giselle barely noticed the table, beautifully set, with flowers they’d picked and tied together to form napkin rings. She didn’t see the freshly picked flowers placed in a clear plastic cup they used as a centerpiece; and she didn’t notice that every place setting was set with forks and knives, arranged carefully next to the clear plastic dishware.
The only thing she noticed was Toby’s absence. It wasn’t Toby who had painstakingly mowed the lawn, or carefully trimmed around the sidewalks, shrubs, and flower beds, then swept the sidewalk free of dust and grass clippings. She and Toby had always done the yard work together, rewarding themselves and the girls afterwards with a meal out on the patio. Sometimes they grilled it themselves, sometimes picked up something quick—like pizza or McDonald’s.
Her eyes clouded with tears. “Is this some kind of cruel joke?”
“What? No!” Jackson said.
“How could you do this?”
“Gis—”
She cut him off. “Shut up, Jackson.” She turned to her daughters. “How could you let him do this? You know. You both know!”
Every sight, every smell, every sound reminded her that Toby wasn’t there and never would be again. Her heart ached. She nearly fell to her knees from a fresh onslaught of sadness. Jackson’s voice, rife with anger, cut into her misery.
“My God, Giselle. How could you?”
She turned on him then. “How could you?”
Jackson spun her roughly away from the girls, who sat there, both heartbroken that their mother hadn’t appreciated their effort for what it was. He closed the door and turned on her.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you see what you’re doing to them?”
Wordlessly, she turned away from him. He stared after her as she walked to the room she had occupied since Toby’s death, and closed herself inside.
He followed her, then stood helplessly in the hallway listening to her heartbroken sobs coming from the other side of the door. Now he knew what Carrie meant about the overwhelming sadness in this house. It consumed everything in its path, like a dark shadow eating away at the light, the life, that used to be present here. He felt the sting of frustration and helplessness, knowing that Mac and Lexie could do nothing but watch their mother sink further into the abyss of loneliness and despair.
He squared his shoulders and walked outside to meet the two beautiful little girls who were sure to need comforting. He dropped into a chair between the two of them and sighed heavily, waiting for them to say or do something.
Lexie looked up at Jackson with tear-filled eyes. “Maybe God can’t hear me, Jackson. Maybe I need to pray louder.”
Mac wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed. “I think God’s too busy to help Mama.”
Jackson opened his arms wide and both girls went to him. He pulled them close and kissed the top of their sun-warmed heads, then their wet-with-tears cheeks. He hugged them both tightly, deeply inhaling the scent of hard work and sweat and sunshine on their skin, clothing, and hair. He finally spoke in a voice that cracked with emotion.
“I love you, girls. Do you hear me? I love both of you so much, I can’t believe it. I love you enough for both your mom and dad, until your mama is feeling well enough to show you again. She still loves you both so much. She’s just too sad to show it right now, that’s all. But, I promise—I promise you this. She will again.”
Both girls dissolved into more tears, shaking and sobbing loudly into his shirt. For the first time in his life, Jackson knew what it must feel like to be a parent with a child who is suffering. He knew how it felt to be helpless and unable to ease their pain and discomfort. Inadequacy didn’t come close to what he felt. He’d do anything to take the pain from them if he could. He let them cry, Mackenzie with her arms around his neck, and Lexie with hers wrapped around his waist.
Their tears finally slowed, and then eventually stopped, leaving in its wake the sniffling and hiccupping that happens after a good cry. Jackson dried their eyes, wiped their noses with paper napkins, and finally kissed them both on the cheeks. He looked into their faces as he cradled their heads gently with his hands.
“Better now?” he asked, drawing two nods from the girls. “Good, because, I tell you what,” he said comically, “All this crying is hard work isn’t it? It’s made me hungry. How about you two?” They nodded. “Well, then, if you want any pizza or chicken nuggets, you’d better hurry up and eat because I’m hungry enough to eat everything on this table.” He reached over to the food with both arms.
“No! I want my pizza!” Mackenzie shrieked.
“I want my chicken nuggets!” Lexie yanked the box out of Jackson’s grip, even as she emitted a high-pitched giggle.
“Well, I guess I’ll have to make do with one measly, old pizza with jalapeno peppers,” he said dramatically. “But if it even looks like you aren’t going to eat enough, I just may decide to eat more than my fair share.”
Mackenzie picked out two slices of pizza, put them on her plate, and pointed her finger at Jackson. “Look, just because I’m starting out with two slices does not mean I won’t want one more when I’m done with these. Don’t eat the rest yet, okay?”
“Okay,” he said in his best Eeyore imitation, causing the girls to break out into fits of giggling.
Lexie held out her box of nuggets. “I’ll share with you, Jackson.”
He gazed adoringly at the miracle in miniature of Giselle, and thought his heart would burst with the love he felt for her and her sister. He brushed her hair away from her forehead and planted a kiss on her nose. “You go ahead and eat first, baby girl. If there’s any left, I’ll take one if I still have room.”
Lexie nodded, rewarding him with a big cheesy grin. He started to take a bite of pizza when Lexie stopped him.
“Wait! We have to say the blessing first!”
“Lex,” Mac whispered. “Maybe Jackson doesn’t do that. Mom said not everyone does, and if we were around someone who doesn’t, just to say it to ourselves.”
Jackson put the pizza back on his plate. “No, that’s a great idea. Would either of you like to say it?”
“I will. I learned one from catechism class,” Mackenzie boasted. “We all have to hold hands first.” She and her sister joined hands and each grasped one of Jackson’s. “It goes like this. Bless us, oh Lord, for these, thy gifts which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord. Amen. Was that good, Jackson?”
Jackson beamed proudly at her. “That was perfect, Mac.”
“Do you know any?” she asked. “Daddy only knew one.”
“The only one I ever learned was this.” He put his hands together reverently and spoke in a somber voice. “Rub a dub dub—thanks for the grub.”
Mac and Lexie’s mouth
s gaped open in awe. They looked at each other then back at him. “That’s daddy’s too!” they chorused.
Jackson put his head back and burst into laughter, while the girls doubled over into fits of giggles.
Carrie watched the threesome, unseen, from the corner of the house. She’d arrived during the first bout of crying, held back her own tears at Jack’s profession of love for Toby and Giselle’s little girls. She’d kept her silence, waiting to see how he’d handle the heartbroken, sobbing little girls. She couldn’t help but be pleased, and knew their father would be also. Toby couldn’t stand to see his girls, any of his girls, suffer.
She remembered the day he’d called her from the local hospital, begging her to meet him there because Mac needed stitches after falling off her bike. Giselle was out of town for a three-day training class. It’d torn him up to see his daughter getting stitches. Mac ended up comforting her dad, and telling him it wasn’t his fault she’d gone too fast on her bike.
Carrie smiled at the memory. Then took time to marvel at how perfect this threesome before her looked. Well, almost perfect, anyway. Seeing the patio table all set for a meal, she didn’t have to ask where Giselle was. She wiped all traces of tears from her eyes and finally made her presence known.
“What’s so funny over here?”
The girls turned her way and continued to giggle.
“Aw it’s just a private joke, Carrie,” Jackson said. “Would you like some pizza?”
“Nope, Sam and I ate lunch already and Sam’s passed out in his recliner at home. I told him if he was going to spend the day sleeping, I’d just as soon bring these two munchkins to watch a movie in Lake Coburn.”
“You think Mama would let us?” Mackenzie asked, her face filled with hope.
“Sure, eat your pizza. Here’s a schedule.” Carrie handed a computer printout to Jackson. “See if you can help them agree on a movie please, Jack.” Carrie walked in to check on Giselle, dreading what she’d find.
She opened the bedroom door quietly and entered, seating herself on the side of the bed. Giselle turned, giving her a vacant look. Carrie sighed and brushed her friend’s hair back from her forehead. Gazing into her eyes was like looking into a hope chest that had once been full, but had been stripped of every item; every last shred of, well—hope. “You need to eat something Giselle. I’m not fooling around here, either. I’ll feed you my damn self if I have to.”