‘If you don’t like them I can change them,’ Imogen said, coming to sit next to me and putting her arm round me.
‘It’s not that. How did I get into this mess Immi? I am going to be responsible for a baby, a baby that is going to be so small it will fit into these, and what sort of start have I given it. I’m known in the press as this bitch woman, I’ve lost Joe, I don’t know who the father is. And that will be reported in the papers soon, now George has become the nation’s darling.’
‘Let’s calm down. Everything is unimportant apart from the baby. You have to keep yourself together for the baby’s sake if nothing else. What did Joe say when you met him today?’
‘Basically that he loved me, and he hated what was happening but he still didn’t know if he could forgive me.’
‘But it was a start.’
‘If I could tell him for sure that the baby was his then maybe we could get back together, but I can’t tell him that.’
‘And you don’t want the test because you could lose the baby as a result.’
‘Yeah and can you imagine George. He’ll be unbearable if it is his. The thing is as soon as the press find out, and I reckon they’ll find out soon, then he will probably demand a test. What I’m hoping is that I can stall him, and the only way he can make me have a test is to take me to court. In a perverse way I feel as if this is the only ammunition I have against him now. He’ll be so frustrated by me that maybe he’ll start to realise how awful this whole situation is. Do I sound petty?’
‘Yes, but I understand. George has totally lost it. I can’t believe that he’s turned into this monster. Is there anything we can do to stop him?’
‘Nothing that I can think of.’
‘Holly, can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘How did you get pregnant?’ I looked at her.
‘Immi, you’ve been married for years, surely you know the basics.’
‘Holly, don’t be so facetious. You know exactly what I mean. You were on the pill I take it.’
‘You really are turning into mum.’
‘Holly, I am trying to be supportive but you have to be honest with me.’
‘The pill isn’t always one hundred per cent safe.’
‘If you take it per instructions the chances of it failing are very slim.’
‘Well I’m just one of those unlucky cases.’
‘You’re not.’
‘I never forgot to take it, not once.’
‘Right. So why didn’t it work?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You do.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Holly, we never had these pathetic arguments as kids, I’ll be dammed if I’m going to start having them now.’
‘Well then, perhaps you should leave it alone.’
‘Or you could be honest for once.’
‘I was ill.’
‘Right.’
‘That’s the truth. I had been ill, I was on antibiotics. I slept with Joe while I was on them and I also slept with George. I also drank heavily, and didn’t take the tablets that seriously. I had some sort of ear infection, but I forgot all about it. The doctor told me it might make the pill ineffective but I forgot that too.’
‘I have never known anyone as good at denial as you.’
‘Yeah, I could teach classes.’
‘Holly, don’t you see, you’re to blame for this mess, not George. OK, so most men wouldn’t have gone to the lengths he has to pursue you, but the pregnancy, the baby, the paternity, that’s down to you.’
‘I know.’
I hadn’t thought about it like that. The reason I hadn’t was because, as my sister so correctly pointed out, I was good at denial. Look how long I was pregnant before I noticed. I remember being ill and feeling miffed because I needed to take antibiotics. I remember having a debate with Freddie about why they tell you not to drink with them. He said it was because it decreased their effectiveness, I said it was because they got you really pissed, an idea that appealed to me. We agreed on a compromise where I would be allowed the odd glass of wine, which is what happened. Then Joe and I had the fight, then I got steaming drunk with George. And not once did I think that my pill wasn’t working. I just didn’t think. I did it, and afterwards when it was too late to think I put it to the back of my mind. Until now. Now, when my sister, who is turning into my mother, decided to make me face up to the fact that actually I was responsible for the situation I found myself in. There was no one else to blame.
Self-blame can be quite liberating.
I cooked a chicken while Imogen changed, and then she called Jack and chatted for ages. What they could talk about as they’d been apart only for half a day was beyond me. I liked my sister’s relationship, it made me think that love was worth it after all. She stopped me from being a cynic. Eventually when she came off the phone I dished up dinner and we sat at my table in the sitting room. Imogen drank wine, I sipped at my ice-cold water.
‘You are funny. Normally you drink like a fish but now you won’t go near it.’
‘I don’t want to do anything else to harm my baby. I’ve done enough don’t you think.’
‘More than enough, Holly. You know that you need to take some control back don’t you?’
‘How?’
‘Start with Joe. Keep in touch with him, try to meet him regularly, I think that as long as he can forgive your indiscretion with George, then he might be able to accept things with the baby.’
‘Maybe, but I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to accept bringing up another man’s child. I will keep in touch, because I still love him and I pray nightly that this child is his, but I need to get on with life for the two of us. I also need to know what I’m going to do if it does turn out to be George’s.’
‘Get a damn good solicitor.’
‘Exactly. You know, the more George hogs the limelight, the more I want to hurt him because he’s dragging my name through the tabloids and the TV without a thought for how it’s affecting me. I don’t even think that he’s thought about what would happen if I went running to him. He doesn’t want me any more, he wants the fame now. That’s why I am so confused.’
‘Holly, I’m not going to let this man beat us. We’re the Miller sisters, we can get the better of him.’
‘What do you suggest?’
‘I don’t know but I’ll work on it. I might be angry with you, well only because of your head-in-the-sand stance, but I still love you and if it’s the last thing I’ll do, I am going to get you out of this mess.’
Later as I lay in bed, cocooned in my duvet, I felt better than I had in ages. I was going to fight George, somehow, and I was also going to fight for Joe, but most of all I was going to take care of the baby, because that was my main, if not my only priority.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Although it was Sunday, Francesca and Freddie were coming over to my place to talk about what we were going to do next. The initial burst of media frenzy had come to a halt but we expected more the following week. Not so much television, but we knew that articles would appear in the papers. We had been using all our contacts to find out who was running the story, or any story, and when, and although we could do nothing to stop it, at least we were aware.
We all sat in the living room, Imogen made coffee, then came to join us.
‘Do you want the good news or the bad news?’ Freddie asked. He had brought the Sunday papers with him.
‘The good?’
‘Wrong answer, there isn’t any good. The bad news is that you’ve sparked a huge debate in the Mail about women who use men and the fact it’s a growing phenomena. They use you and George as a case study, and he comments all the way through. God knows how he got any sympathy, he’s an arrogant prick.’
‘Freddie, can we get on with it,’ Francesca snapped. Freddie looked suitably chastised.
‘Sorry. The Sunday News have a story about you and, oh shit this is embarrassing, did you ev
er date anyone called Justin?’ I felt the redness start in my toes and creep up my entire body. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. Well, the thing is that he has sold his story about how you used him.’ I almost couldn’t bear to look as Freddie passed the paper to me. There in full colour was a picture of Justin, a lovely man with bright orange hair. Justin was a man I dated for two months when I was twenty-six. I have to admit to using him. He worked in the City and I met him through a mutual friend at a party. I was single at the time and he had a good job. I thought it might be nice to be wined and dined for a while and I was right, it was. Sex with a man with ginger pubes was a small price to pay (although it took me months to get rid of the remnants from my bathroom, stubborn little buggers they were). Anyway, he was such a bore that I really couldn’t bear it for longer than two months (and it was only that long because he arranged a trip to Paris just as I was going to break up with him). Finally when I did tell him that I didn’t think we should carry on seeing each other, I must admit he did get a bit angry, especially as I told him on the way back from Paris when we were sitting in the first-class carriage of Eurostar (all paid for by him). I did feel bad, but then I was young.
Everyone watched me. I found it hard to concentrate on the story. But I did.
I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE USED BY HOLLY MILLER
Justin Stamp, 30, City Broker is another man used and dumped by Ms Miller. ‘I can fully sympathise with George,’ he said. ‘The thing about Holly is that she is a complete vamp ready to reel you in, then once you’ve fallen for her she gets what she can and then dumps you without a second thought.’ Justin’s sad tale began with an introduction at dinner. Immediately he was attracted to the dark-haired beauty (pictured right)...
I stopped and looked at the right-hand side of the page, then I screamed. I hadn’t noticed it before, how could I? I didn’t recognise this woman who was wearing a lacy black basque, and was spreadeagled across a bed, as me. But it was. Everyone, apart from Freddie, who had already seen it came to look.
‘I don’t fucking believe it.’ I thought it was the usual tabloid ‘model’, part of another story. But it was me! My parents would be seeing it. I couldn’t deal with this so I went back to reading what Justin said, feeling totally sick.
...They went out for two months during which time Justin treated her like a princess. ‘I took her to the best restaurants, bought her gifts, I even booked a weekend at a top hotel in Paris, travelled first class all the way. It was on the way back that she dumped me.’ Justin is obviously not the first man to be treated callously by her, as George can concur, although he admits that they probably wouldn’t have lasted the distance. ‘Holly seemed to be out for what she could get. Her selfish nature was evident from the beginning.’
George Conway and Holly Miller were betrothed before she left him for someone else. George is still trying to win her back. Our advice is...listen to Justin, she is not worth it.
‘They’re making me out to be totally horrible, I can’t believe it.’
‘Holly, is there anything in the story that is untrue?’
‘Not exactly.’
‘Where did they get that photo from?’ Imogen looked horrified.
‘I have no idea,’ I replied.
‘Holly?’
‘OK, I let Justin take it while we were in Paris. He’d bought me all this fancy underwear, I thought the least I could do was let him take a photo.’
‘With no thought of the consequences. You do realise that our parents will see this.’
‘Well, maybe they won’t recognise her, after all she didn’t recognise herself.’
‘Freddie, that’s not helpful,’ I said, wanting to giggle. It wasn’t really funny, but Imogen looked so upset and it was my first ‘kiss and tell’, well sort of anyway.
‘It’s not the end of the world,’ Francesca said. ‘Our clients know that people exaggerate hugely, so I’m not worried on that score. Are there any more likely to come out of the woodwork?’
‘I don’t think so, well actually there could be loads. I have no idea. I never would have thought that Justin would do this.’ I felt a bit horrified at just how many people could do this to me. Not millions, but enough. Then I worried about the fact that it was true. I had used him. But I hadn’t used George. The whole thing was becoming quite surreal. But the worst thing was Joe. If he didn’t see it then one of his mates would, and just as I was trying to convince him I wasn’t a tart, Justin was doing the opposite.
‘What else?’ I asked, resigned to the fact there was bound to be something.
‘Nothing,’ Freddie said.
‘So only two newspapers?’
‘Which is good.’
‘Well there is a government scandal,’ Francesca pointed out. It did cover most of the broadsheets and tabloids.
They no longer needed to use my story to fill space. They had some real news to report. Although I wasn’t thrilled about red-headed Justin spilling the beans, that would probably finish off any hope I had of Joe feeling sorry for me. And I know I used him, but I don’t think he was in love with me, in fact I know he wasn’t. He liked to take me out with his work colleagues, I was his trophy, and so we both used each other. I liked eating out, I liked being desired and he needed to have someone on his arm, and someone to have sex with. Fair swap I’d say. I would also like to point out that at some stage everyone has used someone in a relationship. Shit, I’m not proud of everything I’ve done in my life but what thirty-year-old is? If I met them I’d look them in the eye and call them a liar.
‘Yeah, thank fuck for the fact the civil service is as leaky as Holly’s breasts are about to become.’
‘Freddie!’ Imogen was on her feet. I took a deep breath, I knew this was an Imogen tantrum stance.
‘It’s not funny. It’s not about Holly, it’s about all of us. Her baby isn’t even born yet and its mother is being portrayed as a whore. Every day Joe, who loved her, has to read about how callous she’s been. Jack has been asked to comment on it as her brother-in-law, Jack writes children’s books for God’s sake. He’s got an image to uphold and having a loose woman for a sister-in-law isn’t going to help his sales, and let’s not forget Mum and Dad. They live in a small town and they have to endure stares all the time. But they never complain because they love you, Holly. So, no, there is nothing to joke about here and two stories do not constitute good news.’ Imogen was shouting and I had to resist the urge to cover my ears with my hands as I had when she’d had tantrums as a child. It wasn’t easy.
Freddie and Francesca stared at Imogen as if they’d never met her before. Which, thinking about it, they hadn’t. I didn’t know what to do, or say. She was right, this affected many more people than just me. I was the least of my own worries. Or I should have been. The whole situation wasn’t my fault, but it was more my fault than it was theirs. I burst into tears.
‘I know, Immi, you’re right, but I don’t know how to stop it. I so want it to go away but I have no idea how to stop him from doing this. I don’t know if I should just fall apart or laugh. Immi don’t be mad at Freddie, it’s him who keeps my spirits up. We’ve tried to put our side of the story across to tell people I’m not the bad person that I’m being made out to be. But it’s hard because no one wants to know my side. They all like George’s version, and the television shows, well, now everyone loves George, so they need to hate me. I’m Lex bloody Luther to his Superman. And it is damn unfair because I know I’m not the only one who’s hurting. And it’s going to get worse. That’s what I can’t bear, it’s going to get worse when news of the pregnancy gets out. Joe will be dragged into it fully and I can’t bear it when I think of Mum and Dad being stared at, because they are the most loving people ever, and they don’t deserve this, nor does Joe. He doesn’t deserve it and neither do you and Jack, or Francesca or Freddie. I almost can’t bear it.’ I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, the snot dribbling from my nose but I was unable to do anything about it.
There h
ad been jokes, yes, but there were no more jokes to be had. This wasn’t flippant. This wasn’t funny. It was utterly desperate and that was how I felt at that moment. I felt as if I had nowhere left to turn. Nowhere to go except down. But things were going to get worse and that thought was panic-inducing; I had no idea how I would cope. I was aware of arms around me, but I don’t know who they belonged to. I was aware of tissue mopping me as if I were a helpless child. I was that child. Thoughts came and went with a speed I couldn’t contain. I was in a box with them flying around me, trying to grab them, but being unable to clutch a single one. Then there was blackness, but I don’t know when that came either.
I woke up and didn’t recognise my surroundings. Actually I did, I was on the set of Casualty. Then I shook myself as I realised I was still in a half-dream like state, or that’s how it felt. My mouth was dry and furry, but I wasn’t drunk. I panicked as it occurred to me that I was in hospital, and I looked around me for someone to tell me what had happened. As I tried to move my arm, I found a head lying on it; Freddie’s head. I jerked my arm and watched his head stir, he shook himself awake.
‘Hol, are you OK?’
‘You tell me?’ My mouth felt dry.
‘You passed out. The doctors think you just fainted, but they did some tests. We were so worried.’
‘The baby?’
‘The baby is fine, that’s the first thing they checked. I kind of lied to them and said that I was the father, so I got to see the scan, my God, Hol, it’s incredible.’ I smiled at Freddie.
‘You’re the only man I know that definitely isn’t the father,’ I joked, weakly.
‘Well, I would like to be. Actually I wouldn’t because that would mean I would have had sex with you.’
‘I could have got you so drunk that you wouldn’t remember it.’
‘I guess that would be all right. Seriously honey, I was so worried, so is Francesca, she had to go into the office, but she said to call her as soon as you woke up. Also, a very guilty Imogen is pacing the corridor outside.’
Deranged Marriage Page 24