by Muhsin Mahdi
But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “Sister, what a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIFTH NIGHT
The following night Shahrazad said:
I heard, O happy King, that the tailor told the king of China that the barber told the guests that he said to the caliph:
He put the glass in the bag and tied it to his waist. Then he disguised himself as a Persian, so that nobody would recognize him, and hid a sword under his clothes. When he saw the old woman, he said to her, with a Persian accent, “Old lady, I am a stranger here. Do you have a pair of scales large enough to weigh five hundred dinars? I will give you some of it for your trouble.” The old woman replied, “O Persian, my son is a money changer, and he has all kinds of scales. Come with me before he goes out to his shop, and he will weigh your gold.” My brother said to her, “Lead the way.” She led him until she came to the house, and when she knocked at the door, the young lady herself came out and opened it. The old woman smiled in her face and said, “I have brought you a fat piece of meat today.” The young lady, taking my brother by the hand, led him into the house and sat with him for a while. Then she rose and, saying to him, “Wait until I come back,” went away.
As soon as she left, the cursed black slave came in, with a bare sword in his hand, and said to my brother, “Get up, cursed man!” He sprang behind the slave and, drawing the sword that was hidden under his clothes, struck him and made his head fly away from his body. Then he dragged him by the heels to the cellar and cried out, “Where is the salt-woman?” The maid came with the dish of salt and, seeing my brother with the sword in his hand, turned to run away, but he caught up with her and struck off her head. Then he called out, “Where is the cellar-woman?” and when the old woman came in, my brother looked at her and said, “Do you recognize me, you wicked old woman?” She replied, “No, my lord.” He said, “I am the one in whose house you prayed and whom you lured here.” She said, “Spare me.” But he paid no attention to her and struck her with the sword, cutting her in four.
Then he went in search of the young lady, and when she saw him, she lost her mind and asked for mercy. He promised to spare her and asked, “And you, how did you come to be with this black slave?” She replied, “I was a slave to a merchant, and the old woman used to visit me until we became intimate friends. One day she said to me, ‘We have at our house today a wedding, the like of which was never seen, and I would like you to be there.’ I replied, ‘I hear and obey.’ Then I rose and, putting on my clothes and jewelry and taking with me a purse with a hundred dinars, followed her until she brought me to this house and bade me enter. As soon as I went in, this black slave seized me, and I have been in this situation for three years, due to the treachery of the old woman. May God curse her!” My brother asked, “Does the black slave keep any money or possessions in this house?” She replied, “Yes, he has plenty, and if you can carry it away, do so with God’s help.” Then she took my brother and opened for him several chests full of purses, and while he stood there, not knowing what to do, she said to him, “Leave me here and go and bring men to carry the money.” He went out at once and hired ten men, but when he returned, he found the door open, and when he went in, he was surprised to find that the young lady had disappeared with the purses, leaving very little money behind, and realized that she had tricked him. He took whatever money was left and, opening the closets, carried away all the clothes, leaving nothing in the house, and spent a happy night.
When he got up in the morning, he found at his door twenty policemen, who seized him, saying “The chief of the police wants you.” He implored them to give him time to go into the house, but they would not let him, and although he offered them money and kept imploring and throwing himself at their feet until he was weary, they would not listen. They tied his hands fast behind his back and carried him off. On the way, they were met by one of my brother’s old friends, and my brother clung to him and implored him to assist him and help deliver him from the hands of these policemen and their officers. The friend, glad to intercede on his behalf, inquired what was the matter, and the officers replied, “The chief of the police has ordered us to bring this man before him and, having found him and seized him, we are on our way to our superior the chief, according to his orders.” My brother’s friend said to them, “Good fellows, I will get from him whatever you wish and desire for your trouble. Release him and tell your superior the chief that you could not find him.” But they refused and dragged my brother on his face to the chief of the police.
But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “Sister, what a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if I stay alive!”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIXTH NIGHT
The following night Shahrazad said:
I heard, O happy King, that the tailor told the king of China that the barber told the guests that he said to the caliph:
When the chief saw my brother, he asked him, “Where did you get all these possessions?” My brother replied, “Grant me immunity first,” and the chief said, “Granted.” Then my brother told him about his adventure with the old woman and the flight of the young lady from beginning to end, adding, “Whatever I took is still in my possession. Take what you wish, and leave me enough to live on.” But the chief sent his men and officers, and they took all the money and clothes and, fearing lest the matter should reach the king, he summoned my brother again and said to him, “Leave this city, or I will have you put to death.” My brother replied, “I hear and obey,” and set out for another city. On the way some thieves set upon him and stripped him of his clothes. When I heard of his plight, I took some clothes and went out after him, clothed him, and brought him secretly into the city to join his brothers.
[The Tale of the Sixth Brother, the Cropped of Lips]
MY SIXTH BROTHER, the cropped of lips, was first rich but later became poor. One day, as he went out looking for something to eat, he came to a handsome house, with a wide entrance and a high gate, guarded by attendants and servants. When he asked one of them who was the owner of the house, he was told that the owner was one of the Barmaki family. He approached the doorkeepers and asked them for alms, and they said to him, “Enter, and our master will give you what you want.” He entered and, passing through a very long hallway, found himself in a lovely mansion that was spread with carpets and hung with curtains and in the middle of which stood a garden, the like of which he had never seen before. He stood for a while, perplexed, not knowing where to go; then he proceeded toward the door of a reception room, and when he entered, he saw at the upper end a handsome man with a fine beard. He approached the man, who, when he saw my brother, welcomed him and inquired about his health, and my brother told him that he was in need of charity. When he heard my brother’s words, he showed great sadness and, grabbing his clothes, rent them, exclaiming, “How can you be hungry while I live in this city? I cannot endure this.” And he promised my brother all the best. Then he said, “You must eat with me.” My brother replied, “My lord, I cannot wait, for I am very hungry.”
Then the man cried out, “Boy, bring the ewer and the basin, so that we may wash our hands,” and said to my brother, “Go ahead and wash your hands.” But my brother saw neither ewer nor anything else, yet the man gestured as if he was washing his hands. Then he cried out, “Bring the table,” and motioned with his hand. Again my brother saw nothing, but the host said to him, “By my life, eat and don’t be bashful,” and, gesturing with his hand as if he was eating, kept saying to my brother, “By my life, have more, for I know how famished you are.” My brother too began to gesture as if he was eating something, while the host kept saying to him, “By my life, have some more. Look how white and delicious this bread i
s!” Again my brother could see nothing and, saying to himself, “This man likes to have fun with people and play tricks on them,” replied, “My lord, never in my life have I seen whiter or better-tasting bread.” The host said, “I paid five hundred dinars for the slave-girl who baked it for me.”
But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “Sister, what an amusing and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVENTH NIGHT
The following night Shahrazad said:
I heard, O happy King, that the tailor told the king of China that the barber told the guests that he said to the caliph:
Then the host cried out, “Boy, bring the meat porridge first, and don’t spare the butter.” Then he said to my brother, “My guest, by God, have you seen a better porridge? By my life, eat and don’t be bashful.” Then he cried out again, “Boy, bring the fatted goose stew in vinegar sauce,” and said to my brother, “Eat, for I know that you are hungry and in need of food.” My brother began to move his jaws, as if he was chewing, while the host kept calling for dish after dish and inviting my brother to eat, although nothing appeared. Then he cried out, “Boy, bring us the marinated fat chickens,” and said to my brother, “My guest, by my life, these chickens have been fattened on pistachio nuts; eat, for you have never tasted anything like them.” My brother replied, “My lord, they are indeed delicious.” Then the host began to put his hand to my brother’s mouth, as if to feed him, and continued to expatiate on dish after dish, while my brother, who was starving, craved for a bite of plain barley bread. Then the host cried out, “Bring the fried meats,” and asked my brother, “Have you ever tasted anything more delicious than the seasoning of these dishes? Have some more and don’t be bashful.” My brother replied, “My lord, I have had enough food.” The host cried out, “Take this dish away and bring the sweets,” and said to my brother, “Eat of this almond conserve, for it is excellent; eat of these fritters. By my life, let me give you this fritter, for it is dripping with syrup.” My brother said, “My lord, may I never lose you,” and asked him about the abundance of musk in the fritters. The host replied, “It is my custom to make them this way,” while my brother kept moving his jaws. Then the host cried out, “We have had enough of this; bring us the almond jelly,” and said to my brother, “Eat and don’t be bashful.” My brother replied, “I am full; I can eat no more.”
Then the host asked, “My guest, if you are full, then would you like to drink some wine and be merry?” My brother said to himself, “Enough. I will do something to him that will cure him of these antics.” Then the host cried out, “Bring the wine,” and, giving my brother a cup, said, “Drink it and let me know how you like it.” My brother replied, “It has a good aroma, but I am used to drinking a different wine.” The host cried out, “Give him another kind,” and saying to my brother, “Health and pleasure to you,” pretended to drink a toast. My brother, pretending to be already drunk, replied, “My lord, I cannot drink any more.” But as the host insisted, my brother, still pretending to be drunk, raised his arm until the white of his armpit appeared and suddenly hit the host on the back of the neck with a slap so hard that the place resounded with it. Then he gave him another slap, and the host exclaimed, “What is this, you vile man?” My brother replied, “My lord, you have admitted your slave into your house, fed him, and given him wine to drink until he became drunk and unmannerly. You should be the first to tolerate his foolishness and pardon his offense.” When the host heard my brother’s reply, he laughed heartily and said, “Fellow, I have been making fun of people for a long time, but never till now have I met one who has the wit and ability to humor me like you. I do pardon you.”
But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister, “What a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-EIGHTH NIGHT
The following night Shahrazad said:
I heard, O happy King, that the tailor told the king of China that the barber told the guests that he said to the caliph:
The host said to my brother, “I do pardon you. Be a real companion to me and never leave me.” Then he summoned several servants and ordered them to set a real table, which they laid with all the dishes mentioned, and my brother and the host ate until they were satisfied. Then they moved to the drinking chamber, where they found young ladies like moons, who played all kinds of musical instruments and sang all kinds of songs. There they drank until they got drunk. The host felt a great affection for my brother, treated him as intimately as a brother, and bestowed on him a robe of honor.
Next morning, they resumed their eating and drinking, and they continued to carouse for ten full days. Afterward the Barmaki entrusted his affairs to my brother, who managed his estate for twenty years. But when the man died—Glory be to the Living who dies not—the king seized all his property, including that of my brother, leaving him a helpless pauper.
My brother left the city and wandered all alone until some bedouins set upon him on the road and, capturing him, brought him to their camp. Then his captor began to beat him, saying, “Ransom yourself with money,” while my brother wept and said; “My lord, I have no money, not even one dirham. I am your captive; do with me what you wish.” The bedouin took out a knife and cut off my brother’s lips, still trying to get him to pay. It happened that the bedouin had a pretty wife, who, whenever her husband left, used to make advances to my brother and try to entice him, but he refused her until one day she succeeded, and he came to her and began to pet her, when suddenly the husband came in and, seeing my brother, said to him, “Damn you, are you trying to debauch my wife?” Then he took out his knife and cut off my brother’s male organ. Then he carried him on a camel and cast him at the side of a hill, where he was found by some travelers, who recognized him and gave him food and drink. When they informed me about him, I went to him, carried him back to Baghdad, and made him an allowance to live on.
Here I stand before you, O Commander of the Faithful, and it would have been wrong of me to leave without letting you know about the six brothers I am supporting.
When the caliph had heard the entire account of my brothers’ adventures, he laughed heartily and said, “You are right, Silent One; you are neither a meddlesome nor a talkative man; but leave this city at once and settle in another.” Then he banished me, and I went from country to country until I heard of his death and the succession of another caliph. Then I returned to Baghdad and found all my brothers dead and afterward met this young man, to whom I did the greatest of favors, for without me, he would have been killed, but he repaid me in the worst of ways, leaving the city and running away from me. I wandered in many countries until I chanced to meet him here. Now he accuses me of what is foreign to my nature, spreading lies about me and claiming that I am a garrulous man.
But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister, “What a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”
THE ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-NINTH NIGHT
The following night Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Sister, if you are not sleepy, tell us one of your lovely little tales to while away the night.” The king added, “Finish the story of the roguish hunchback.” Shahrazad replied, “Very well”:
I heard, O King of the age, that the tailor said to the king of China:
Yesterday, when we heard the barber’s story and realized that he was a garrulous fellow who had wronged the young man, we seized him, bound him, and locked him up. Then we sat and enjoyed the banquet till late afternoon. When I left and came home, my wife scowled, and said, “You have been r
oaming around and partying all day, while I have been sequestered at home. If you don’t take me out now, I will leave you.” I took her out and we entertained ourselves till nightfall. When we returned home, we met the roguish hunchback, who was very drunk. I invited him to our house, bought fish, and we sat down to eat. When we were almost finished, I took the last piece, which happened to have a bone, crammed it into his mouth, and held it shut. He choked, his eyes bulged, and he stopped breathing. I rose and boxed him on the back, but the piece lodged in his throat and he died. I carried him and contrived to get rid of him in the house of this Jewish physician, who contrived to cast him into the house of the steward, who contrived to throw him in the way of the Christian broker. This then is the story of my adventure yesterday. Isn’t it more amazing and extraordinary than the hunchback’s story?
When the king of China heard the tailor’s words, he shook his head with wonder and delight and said, “Indeed, the story of the young man and the meddlesome barber is better and more entertaining than the story of the hunchback.” Then he ordered one of his chamberlains to go with the tailor and fetch the barber from his place of confinement, saying, “I would like to see and hear for myself this silent barber, who has saved you all from me. Then we will bury this roguish hunchback, for he has been dead since yesterday evening, and we will build him a tomb.” The chamberlain and the tailor departed at once and returned with the barber. When the king of China looked at him, he saw a very old man, more than ninety years of age, with a white beard and eyebrows, floppy ears, a long nose, and a simpleminded look. The king laughed at his appearance and said to him, “Silent One, I would like you to tell us one of your tales.” The barber said “O King of the age, why are this Christian, this Jew, this Muslim, and this dead hunchback before you, and what is the cause of this gathering?” The king of China replied, laughing, “Why do you ask?” The barber answered, “I ask so that your Majesty may know that I am no meddler and that I am innocent of the charge of being garrulous, for I am called the Silent One.”