by Milda Harris
So, basically, I’m not a total freak, like Ariel Walker makes me out to be. I just like funerals, which is why I’m at a wake on Wednesday night, instead of at home watching crappy reality television shows or teen dramas like everyone else. And, okay, we do have TIVO and I can always catch them online later, so it’s not like I’m missing anything.
It’s a wake for Liz O’Reilly. She was only nineteen and died of a drug overdose - a heroin drug overdose to be exact. It made the paper. There have been a lot of overdoses at Laurel Community College in the last two months and it’s not the kind of area you’d think would have a major drug problem. I mean, pot, sure, but heroin? Heroin is a hardcore drug. It’s something you’d expect to see a problem with in the inner city, not here in the squeaky clean suburbs.
I saw the news article before I even read the obituary. The obituary just said she was taken too soon from her loving family. Nobody wants to admit that his or her kid was a druggie. Things like that are never in the obituary. Her picture is what really got to me. It made my heart constrict and everything, it was so sad. Liz was really pretty from the photo. You’d never even think of her as using drugs, at least not enough to overdose. Pot, maybe. Alcohol, sure, she’s a teenager. Heroin, no way would she be the type to even try it. I guess you can never tell, though. It’s crazy.
Liz looked like your average American girl - dark hair, green eyes, tall, thin, and young. I’d bet anything that they used her high school graduation photo for the obituary. It just looked like one of those photos. Liz was smiling and clear eyed, and had her whole life ahead of her. Now, instead, a year later, she was dead and I was attending her funeral. You never knew where life would take you or when it would be taken away from you. Carpe diem, you know?
As a note, you have to be careful when crashing a funeral or a wake. I usually stay toward the back and keep my head down. I like listening to everyone else talk, but I don’t actually want to get in on the conversation. Talking to people is a good way to get caught funeral crashing. I mean, you can talk to people, but you have to be very, very careful what you say. When the only info you have on a person is from an online obituary, it’s very easy to get caught in a lie. Then again, it’s not like the deceased is going to sit up in their coffin and say, “No, I definitely don’t know that girl with the rusty hair.”
You also don’t want to be only one of three people in attendance. Small funerals are a definite no-no. Then you’re really forced to talk about the deceased and if you don’t actually know them, well, people don’t take too kindly to funeral crashers. It’s always better to attend a large funeral, so that people don’t get too nosy about why you’re there. And, like I said, I’ve gotten very good at blending into the wall in high school, so I’m pretty good at it at funerals too.
Although, there was this one time that I didn’t blend so well. Not that I’ve ever gotten caught, exactly, but when I first started funeral crashing I did have a hiccup. It was the only time I’ve almost gotten caught. Instead of just sitting down and casually mingling, I got into a conversation and an old man caught me in a lie about his dead nephew and started screaming at me. That’s when I made my rule about only minimally talking to people. It was a horrific scene. I acted like he’d gone crazy with grief and then I feigned having to go to the restroom really, really badly. I ended up climbing out the window to escape. I never wanted that to happen again. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. I just…wanted to be there.
I figured Liz’s funeral would be big enough, being that she was young and all, that I could blend in with any of the college students that might be there. I was right. There weren’t a thousand, like I would have thought, but they may have been waiting to turn out at the end of the night – the whole fashionably late thing. Still, there were enough of them that I wouldn’t look conspicuous. I had just thought that most of Laurel Community College would show up. I mean, Liz had died so young, but maybe Liz alienated people when she started to use drugs. I know I would have been mad at her for killing herself.
Still, it was a big funeral. It looked like mostly relatives and family friends. There were barely any seats in the viewing room, people were just milling around, and it was still early. You could tell that all of her relatives were there. The woman in the corner surrounded by people looked like it could be Liz’s mom. It was profoundly sad. My heart just wanted to reach out to her. I knew how she felt, except the other way around, since I had lost my mom. I mean, I was not going to go up to her and tell her that I had felt the same way because then I’d get asked the worst question you could possibly get asked when you crash a funeral – “How do you know Liz?”
You have to be careful how you answer that, if someone asks you. I mean – a long lost cousin? Well, there tends to be a family historian in every bunch and you can easily get caught if you say you’re related. That’s what happened that time I almost got caught by the old man. He was the family historian and knew everyone’s name back until they landed on the Americas. Seriously. Anyway, it can work sometimes, but not always, as I found out. So, it’s risky.
An old, long lost friend? Yeah, well, that doesn’t quite work if the deceased is forty-five and you’re sixteen. They tend to think something weird is going on then. Nineteen and sixteen? That could work for me. Liz and I probably looked around the same age. I could pass for a young nineteen. I mean, who can tell these days anyway. There are people in my class who look thirty-five.
Would I ever just admit to funeral crashing? I’m sure there would be a situation where you could say that, nicer of course, but I wouldn’t. People might get out their pitchforks and burn you at the stake. It’s not a hobby that people take kindly to, even though I’m just here to mourn along with the rest of them. I mean, who says you have to know someone in order to celebrate their life and feel sad about them dying? You know? I think it’s a nice thing, what I’m doing. I care about people. Still, when you go around telling people that you crash funerals, they don’t feel that way about it, no matter how I’ve intended it.
So, before I ever show up to a funeral or a wake, I make sure to read the obituary and do some Google research. If I can find anything about the deceased and their family, it always leaves me more prepared. And, I always, always, always try to think of a cover, just in case I get asked how I know the deceased. This one was easy. I had a class with Liz at Laurel Community College. If they pressed me on which class, I was going with a normal one like English. She might not be taking English, so I wasn’t going to offer, but it was a good bet that she may have taken it in the last year. And, if they kept pressing, my plan was to simply just say that I didn’t know her that well, but I thought it was really sad what happened and all, so I decided to come to the funeral and pay my respects.
It was too bad then that I got all tongue-tied and freaked out when Ethan Ripley, the most popular and gorgeous guy at Palos High School, walked up to me and said, “How do you know Liz?”
I had totally had an answer prepared. I swear. It’s just that he’s so freaking hot that I totally forgot all about it.
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The New Girl Who Found A Dead Body Excerpt
Read an excerpt from Milda Harris’ mystery book starring Chloe, who you met briefly in Adventures of a New Year's Kiss – available now!
Chloe sat on her luggage, watching every passing car speed by with interest, waiting for the one that was supposed to pick her up. They all seemed to weave in and out of the unending airport traffic with grace. Some even managed to stop and pick up loved ones, but her ride hadn’t arrived yet. Chloe hoped that he’d be able to find her in the chaos that seemed to be LAX airport.
Chloe wondered if she’d recognize him. She hadn’t seen Jake since the fifth grade, when he and his parents had moved from Illinois to California. Chloe’s mother and Jake’s mother had been best friends since grade school. Then they grew up and had children, only a few months apart. Thus, Chloe and Jake had been best friend
s as kids, always thrown into play dates when their mothers wanted to visit with each other. Then after the fifth grade, Jake and his family moved to California. Chloe and Jake had been best friends back then, but the distance and the excitement of growing up quickly made their friendship grow apart and turned it instead, into a fond childhood memory.
Chloe hadn’t seen Jake since, but their mothers had still kept in constant contact. Jake’s father died a couple of years before and Chloe’s mother had gone back to the funeral to console her friend, coming back with stories of California and the now handsome grown-up Jake. Chloe had been more excited about hearing about California. She had already set her mind on going to California to college for film school. She had known that she was destined for California ever since the beginning of her freshman year when a girl in her class started bragging about her brother in California who made movies for a living. It sounded like the perfect life and from that moment on, Chloe had made up her mind to go to California for film school. Her parents were supportive, but money became the big issue. An out of state school would cost money and lots of it and there was no way her family could afford to send her to an out of state college. Chloe spent about half of her junior year of high school sulking with frustration at the thought of being unable to follow her dreams until her mother had approached her with an idea. She and Jake’s mother had talked about it and with a year’s residency in California with Jake and his mother, Chloe would be able to attend a California state school, as a resident. Chloe didn’t think twice about it. She agreed. She knew she would miss her friends in Illinois, but this was a chance to follow her dream and she couldn’t pass it up.
Chloe could barely believe that she was in California about to start her new life. It was all really exciting. If only Jake would show up, so she could start the adventure. Jake was supposed to meet her outside the baggage claim when she arrived, but he hadn’t shown up yet. Chloe looked at her cell phone, wondering if she should call him. She felt a little shy about it. She would rather see him face-to-face first. Maybe she should text him. Why was she so scared about seeing him again?
Chloe tried to picture Jake in her mind, but could only see the little boy with unruly brown hair and mischievous blue eyes that she had played with as a child. Before she had left for California, Chloe’s mother had shown her a more recent picture, but Jake had been looking at the camera with only half of his face, so Chloe wasn’t quite sure what to expect when she actually saw him. Hopefully the picture her mother had sent his mother had been better. Chloe cringed inwardly, hoping that her mother hadn’t sent him her last year’s school picture. It had not been the best picture of her life. She had woken up late for school and hadn’t had any time to make herself look good for the photo.
Looking back, Chloe realized she should have friended Jake on Facebook. It would have been a good way to get to know him again before this meeting. His profile had been set to private, though, and although, she had sat at the computer and tried to think of an email to send him or a way to add him as a friend she couldn’t do it. She had just been too shy and the situation just felt too awkward. Besides, Jake hadn’t sought her out either.
Chloe had tried her best to look good today, although five hours of flying had taken the curl out of her long blonde hair. She had quickly touched up her make-up before picking up her luggage, though, so she felt a little better about that. Still, she was nervous. She really wanted to make a good first impression. This was the start of the rest of her life.
“Chloe?” a male voice questioned from her right.
Chloe turned and stared into the bright blue eyes of Jake Spencer. Her breath caught and she felt her cheeks turn pink.
He was cute! He still had the unruly brown hair and his eyes had become an ocean shade of blue. A dimple creased the right corner of his mouth, making his smile contagious. Chloe smiled back.
“Hi, Jake?” Chloe said, attempting to recover from her sudden reaction to him.
“I’m so sorry! I was late and then I couldn’t find you in the baggage claim and I left your cell number at home,” Jake paused, catching his breath and then he grinned broadly, “It’s so good to see you!”
And, before she knew it Jake was engulfing her in a hug. Chloe hugged him back and noted, with wonder, at how nice it felt to be in his arms. Chloe caught a hint of his aftershave as he pulled away.
“It’s good to see you too,” Chloe smiled back.
They just grinned at each other for a moment and then Jake looked away, “My girlfriend, Kate, should be here any second. She’s circling, while I went to look for you. The airport’s crazy.”
Chloe nodded absently at his words, her mind suddenly elsewhere. Jake had a girlfriend. Of course he had a girlfriend. She felt a surge of disappointment. She immediately pushed it away. She hadn’t come to California for romance. Well, she hadn’t come for just romance, she admitted. Some romance would be nice eventually, but she had come for the adventure and to pursue her dream. Besides, even if it couldn’t be romantic, Chloe thought, she would enjoy getting to know Jake again. It had been a long time since they had been friends and she was eager to hear about his life since then.
They stood for a few moments in silence, watching the cars fly by. Chloe felt awkward and gawky, suddenly, standing next to Jake. He was at least a head taller than her, his shoulders broad and muscular. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes as he scanned the crowd for his girlfriend. She wondered if he was still the same boy she had known in grade school. She searched his features, looking for the friend she had lost to distance so long ago.
“There she is!” Jake motioned toward a blue convertible, which screeched to a halt next to them.
Wow, Chloe thought, as the sleek car pulled up. “Is this your car?”
“Yeah,” Jake grinned. “I love this car.”
Chloe looked at it in admiration. It was the perfect way to arrive in California. How much more perfect than a convertible driving by the ocean could you get? Chloe felt a warm glow of happiness form in her stomach. This was going to be great!
Jake busied himself with loading her luggage into the trunk and Chloe found herself gazing awkwardly at his girlfriend, Kate. She was the epitome of the California girl – tall, blonde, with cool blue eyes, and a killer sense of fashion.
Chloe felt old fashioned in comparison despite the efforts she had made to look nice in the airport bathroom before she had gotten her luggage. Her own blonde hair was a strawberry blonde, the curls she had tried to put in that morning, falling out, and she had on the normal jeans and baby doll T-shirt that were her usual ensemble. Chloe felt almost like she was staring at a girl from a magazine, sitting inside a perfect car. Kate, on the other hand, had sleek, bleach blonde hair, make-up that looked almost professionally done, a glowing tan, a mini-skirt, and a purple lacy tank top that fit her body perfectly. Chloe had a feeling that she was going to have a lot to learn if all the girls in California looked like Kate.
“Hi, I’m Chloe,” Chloe smiled, stretching out her hand.
“Kate,” Kate replied dismissively, pulling on big sunglasses that hid her eyes completely.
Chloe felt her smile falter at Kate’s lack of enthusiasm. She wasn’t sure how to react to it.
“Okay, bags are in the trunk. Let’s go!” Jake said, coming up behind Chloe.
Chloe was glad of Jake’s appearance and crawled into the tiny backseat, as he sat down in the front, next to Kate. As they drove off, Chloe could almost feel Kate’s cold eyes boring into her through the rear view mirror.
Chloe pushed the thought away. Perhaps Kate was a little unsettled by the thought of Chloe living with her boyfriend. When she had a chance, Chloe thought, she would reassure Kate that she had no intention of stealing Jake away from her. Chloe almost laughed at that thought. If you put her and Kate side by side, Chloe imagined, there would be no comparison. Kate would blow her out of the water in a beauty contest. Regardless, Chloe thought, she would never try and steal someone e
lse’s boyfriend, no matter how cute he had grown up to be.
As they walked up to Jake’s house, Jake carrying the bulk of her luggage, Chloe couldn’t help but wonder at the beauty of her new home. It was nestled into a hill above the ocean. Other houses were littered all the way down the hill, perched above blue water. The house itself was modest in size, but the exterior was cozy, almost like a chalet nested into the hill.
“Chloe!” Jeanette Spencer cried happily, seconds after Chloe walked into the house. “It’s so good to see you!”
She enveloped Chloe in a hug and then stepped back to get a better look at her, “You look just like your mom at your age! I’m so happy you’re here! It’ll be like having her here with me!”
Chloe grinned, “Well, you might get the real thing in about a month. She’s already itching to come visit me. Thank you so much, Mrs. Spencer, for everything. ”
“First of all, no Mrs. Spencer’s here. Call me Jeanette. And, secondly, it’s such a pleasure to have you here! I would do anything for Stacy. This will be fun,” Jeanette looked over to Jake and Kate. “Do we have time for dinner or are you all off to that party?”
“Party?” Chloe looked over at Jake and managed to see a quick look pass between him and Kate. Obviously, Kate wasn’t thrilled with Chloe attending the party with them. She’d have to have that talk with Kate and soon.
“We weren’t sure if you wanted to go, but there’s a party tonight at this girl’s house on the beach, sort of a back to school thing. It’s up to you, though, no pressure. I understand if you’re tired from the flight and all,” Jake managed, without looking at Kate again.
“Um…” Chloe felt indecisive. On the one hand, she was tired from the trip across the country, but on the other, she was absolutely energetic with excitement about her new life and a party sounded like a great way to start it all out. It would be a great way to meet the people she’d be going to school with tomorrow.