by Lucy Lambert
We couldn’t pull around without backing up, and there was already a yellow taxi behind us. The cab blipped its horn.
We were stuck.
Then Alisha stepped out of the Audi, her bare shoulders still showing, still in nothing but that red dress despite the chill. She didn’t seem to feel it.
She had something else, too. A large manila envelope.
“What now?” Alex said. He threw the Mercedes into park and stepped out. After a moment, I followed him.
The cold bit into my skin instantly, and I wrapped my arms around myself.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Alisha. Just let it go,” Alex said.
The cab honked again. The driver leaned out of the window, “Hey, get the hell out of the road! Pull off to the side if you hit her!”
Alex and Alisha ignored him. “Oh, don’t worry, Alex. I’m done with you after tonight. I think she might be, too.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said, shivering.
Alex noticed and took off his jacket, which he draped over my shoulders. It still held his body heat. It helped. The cold wind still nipped at my bare legs, though.
“How gallant,” Alisha said, “Here, take this,” she offered me the envelope.
“I don’t want that,” I said.
“Oh, come on!” The cabbie yelled, he laid on his horn. The shrill note bit into my skull.
Alisha smiled. “You take it or I’ll never leave him alone.”
“Fine,” I said, reaching out and taking the envelope.
Then she waited for us to go and get back into the Mercedes. Probably just making sure I don’t drop it in the gutter, I thought. I didn’t have any intention of looking at it. Who knew what crazy stuff that psycho had shoved in there?
Alisha’s Audi blinded us with its tail lights again when she put it back into gear and peeled away. Alex waited for her to turn the corner and then started down the street again.
I buckled up. The envelope hadn’t been sealed, and the movement made something slide out partway onto my lap.
I wasn’t going to look, but then something caught my attention. Part of the sign for the diner, Vince’s, where Alex took me.
“What the hell?” I said. I took it out. It was a black and white photo of Alex and me kissing. I grabbed the rest of the pictures from the envelope.
They were all of me and Alex, or just me. He and I in the school parking lot, his arm around my waist. He and I kissing in front of another diner. Me, walking Rufus in front of my building.
I didn’t have to look at the time stamps to know when they were taken.
“You know about this?” I said.
“I did, but Charlie…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I said. In a fit of rage, I grabbed the whole pile and tore the pictures in two.
I wanted to roll the window down and hurl them out onto the pavement. But even angry as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to litter. Instead, I tossed them down onto the floor.
“I didn’t want to involve you. I was taking care of it.”
“But I am involved. Those are pictures of me, of the two of us.”
Alex’s jaw worked again before he continued. His knuckles were white around the wheel. “You didn’t want anyone to know about us while the program was on. I didn’t want you to have to deal with this, on top of everything else. I did it for you, Charlie.”
I laughed. It was mirthless and cynical and I didn’t like the sound of it. “I thought I could trust you, Alex.”
He shook his head. “Of course you can trust me.”
“Really? Then why the hell didn’t you tell me I had a stalker? That’s the sort of thing you tell someone!”
I thought about telling him to pull over and let me out. But then I remembered the cold, and how I didn’t have a jacket. And I didn't know how long I’d have to stand there, waiting for a cab to come get me.
I hadn’t felt this sort of anger in a long time. And the thing was, it wasn’t all directed at all. I aimed it also at myself. How could I be so stupid? This was always too good to be true. How could I have no seen that sooner?
And it didn’t just hurt because I had trusted him. It hurt even more because I liked him so much. Maybe even more than liked.
And I still felt that way. Even knowing this, I did. And that deepened the ache. We’d had a shot at something good, damn it.
“Charlie,” he started.
“Take me home,” I said. I retreated as far from him as I could in the confines of the passenger seat as I could, hugging myself tightly, cheek pressed to the window. I watched the curb flash by, broken up now and then by a parked car.
We pulled up in front of my building. I opened the door, unlatching my seat belt as I did. Before I could climb out, Alex, grabbed me by the wrist.
“Just wait,” he said.
“Let go of me!” I said, yanking.
“I will, if you listen to what I have to say.”
My chest and shoulders heaved. I had a hard time getting enough breath. All the heat in my body seemed concentrated in my chest, in a hot, crackling ball of anger. I used that the keep the pressure behind my eyes in check.
“Make it quick,” I said. I figured this was the quickest way to get him out of my life. Let him say his piece.
“I used to think that feelings were an obligation, that a relationship deeper than casual sex was something I never wanted. But I did want more than just sex, I realized. I wanted you. But not just your body. Your mind. All of you. Charlie, no one makes me feel like you do. The way you smile and laugh, the way even the thought of spending time with you makes me feel. I wanted all of that, too. I… I need you, Charlie. No one else but you.”
I thought I needed you, too. A single hot tear threatened to spill down my cheek. I blinked at it. I didn’t want him to see that.
“I love you, Alex. Now stay the hell away from me.”
“Charlie…”
“Stay away!” I said, lifting myself out of his Mercedes. I threw the door shut hard enough to rock the whole car.
It wasn’t until I got back up to my apartment, when I sat down heavily on the floor of my front hall, legs crossed, back pressed against the door, that I realized I still had his dark suit jacket draped over my shoulders.
Rufus came over. He sensed what was wrong. I grabbed him up in a hug.
I hadn’t been planning on letting the big L-word loose yet. It had been kicking around in the back of my mind for at least a week by then. But I’d just been so angry. And I’d meant it, too.
That made it worse.
I sat there for a while, hugging Rufus. I wondered if he might try to come up. What would I do if he did? I didn’t know.
But he didn’t.
Why didn’t he?
Chapter 29
ALEXANDER
Everything went numb on the inside. Numb and cold. I grabbed the steering wheel and squeezed. I leaned forward until my head rested against the leather wrapping of that wheel. The engine purred.
What just happened? I cast the question into the void my mind had become. It echoed back to me.
I sat up straight, grabbed the door handle. Go to her, I kept thinking. But I couldn’t make my hand pull that handle.
I kept thinking about the venom in her voice. The anger and hurt written across her face.
That was me. I did that, I thought. I wanted to get angry with her. I wanted to go up and tell her that couldn’t she see I did it for her? I wanted to make her see that.
But inside I was still numb. Numb and cold.
So instead I put the car in gear and pulled away from Charlie’s building.
Chapter 30
CHARLIE
I’d wanted to do this for so long. His coming to see me that day, before Alex had picked me up, clinched it for me. And what happened after that, of course. The previous night was still something of a blurred nightmare for me.
I’d made the decision and knew it was the right one. That I needed to follow th
rough with it.
I took another sip of the extra strong coffee I'd brewed for this.
I looked down at my phone.
It’s the only way to move forward. The only way to be happy. Or at least start on the way to eventual happiness.
I petted Rufus again, who sat beside my small kitchen table with me, looking up at me with big, wet eyes.
Procrastinating, I could almost hear him tell me. His tail thumped the floor.
I made the call, held the phone to my ear. My heart couldn’t decide whether to stop or race.
It rang twice before he picked up.
“Char? I knew you’d call!”
“Brady,” I said. I licked my lips, “I have to get this off my chest. So please, just shut up and listen.”
“Okay…”
“You hurt me. Really hurt me, when you broke up with me and sent me that message. I don’t think I know the words to properly convey that to you…”
“I know, I’m sorry, I…”
“Shh!”
He quieted.
“No, you don’t. It hurt a lot. And you know what? If you’d showed up at my door two months ago I would have jumped at the chance to be with you again. But not anymore. I’m over you. Completely and totally. I just had to call you, had to have us both hear me say that. Please don’t try and contact me again. Ever. Have a nice life, Brady.”
“Charlie!” he started.
I hung up on him and blocked his number. Then I went through my phone until I found that old break up message from him. I deleted it.
“That went well,” I said to Rufus. He ruffed at me and licked my hand. “Who needs a man when you’ve got a dog?”
I smiled at my own joke. That call hadn’t lifted as much weight off my shoulders as I hoped it would.
Things went back to something like normal. Midterms went well, at least. With school and teaching I knew where I stood.
And I did genuinely love my job. I loved helping my students. I knew that when people got even just a little more positive attention it went a long way. Especially with students who came from single-parent households, mom or dad busy with three or four jobs.
It gave me satisfaction. But that hollow inside me never entirely left.
I sat with Ash in the break room. It was a week since I’d last seen Alex.
“So he’s done nothing?” Ash said, one hand wrapped around her extra-large travel mug filled with coffee.
I shrugged. “No calls, no texts. No attempted visits.”
“And it’s really getting to you, isn’t it?” Ash said.
“What? No, of course not. It’s nice, actually. Refreshing.” I took a sip from my own, smaller, travel mug. The warmth in my stomach was nice. The school’s heating system was fifty years old, and the closer we got to winter, the more its woeful inadequacies became apparent. I had a sweater on over my blouse, and a thick winter coat hanging on the rack in the corner.
“Give me a break!” She said, loud enough for Mr. Winters, one of the science teachers, to look at us over his newspaper. She leaned forward so that she could whisper, “You told the man you love him. You really think a guy like that’s just going to give up? Do you really want him to?”
I had spilled my guts to Ash on Monday. I’d held out until lunch. She knew everything. The extent of my relationship with Alex. Alisha. The photos. Everything.
I regretted telling her already.
“Of course I do,” I said. I reached up, pretending to rub a sore spot on my neck. The real pain in my neck sat across the table from me. And she wouldn’t go away. “And he is over it. Don’t you follow the news? He went off to Europe already. Probably going to drown his sorrows with some supermodels.”
“Well, that’s a big load of…”
Before she could finish, the door bumped open.
A well-dressed man stepped in. He had a neat mustache. In one arm, he cradled a dozen red roses. He glanced around until his eyes lit on me.
“Ah, Miss Charlie Morgan, I presume?”
“Y-yes?” I said.
“A delivery, miss.”
Before I could reject them, he handed me the flowers and a small folded card.
He nodded to me. “Pleasant day.” He left before I could question him.
“Wonder who those could be from?” Ash said, her voice dripping sarcasm.
I flipped open the card.
From the gardens at Versailles. We need to talk. A.
“What’s it say?” Ash said. I tossed her the card. Her eyes bugged out when she read it. “These flowers are from France?”
Mr. Winters, looking rather uncomfortable at the whole show, left the room in the hurry, leaving just Ash and me there. I didn’t blame him.
My phone started buzzing, the violence of the motion making it turn a slow, counter-clockwise turn on the table. I grabbed it. “It’s him,” I said.
Why haven’t I blocked his number yet? It had slipped my mind, that was all. I’d take care of it later.
“Charlie… Do you think he went all the way to Europe to get those for you?” Ash said.
“If he did, he wasted a lot of frequent flier miles. He could have ordered them online and saved the trip. Not that I wanted them,” I dropped the flowers on the table. I still hadn’t done anything with my phone but pick it up.
On the fifth ring the call stopped. Going to voicemail, I knew.
I could smell the roses still. The smell sent my pulse racing. Did he go there just for these? Just for me?
I derailed that train of thought.
“That’s not the point, and you know it. Aren’t you the one always talking about giving students second, third, fourth… Tenth chances at the staff meetings?”
I got her point without her needing to go any further. “Yes, but this is different.”
“No, not really. I know you think you’re different now. Empowered or whatever. But you’re not. You’re still too scared of getting hurt and taking risks…”
“Ash! I took a risk and got hurt! Can’t you see that? I gave it, I gave him, a chance. That’s all he gets,” I said.
Ash took a longer pull from her coffee and stood up so she could look me in the eye. She squeezed the bridge of her nose before starting in again. “What I see is that you guys had a fight. And you’re using any excuse to get out of this because you think you’re in too deep. Sure, he should have told you about that crazy chick. But he thought he was helping you. Misguided? Yeah. But he is so obviously sorry about it. Give him another chance.”
I sighed. “Ash, you’re a dear friend, and I don’t want to be angry with you, especially because I know you mean well. But this is my life and my business. So please, stay out of it. I have to get back to work.”
Ash crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow at me, but I didn’t stay for round two.
Is she right? I wondered, walking out into the hall, my footsteps echoing along the corridor. I hardly saw the rows of lockers punctuated by the occasional classroom door on my way to my own room.
It didn’t matter if she was right, because I had decided this was all over. And that’s that!
Thankfully, she didn’t bring it up again. Not directly at least. And Alex didn’t try to call me again.
No, he did something much worse.
“I’m sorry, Miss Morgan, but the school board insists,” Mr. Stockwell said.
I stood in front of his desk in his office. The office he had loaned, not so long ago, to Alexander Crossley.
I couldn’t help remembering my first meeting with Alex. He’d sat right where Mr. Stockwell sat.
He thought I was a man because of my name, I remembered. I remembered the look on his face when I introduced myself. I came close to smiling at the memory.
“There has to be something,” I said, “Mr. Stockwell, I really don’t want to do this.”
“I understand,” he said, “But unless you want to face disciplinary action, you have to. It’s just a few photos. Maybe a sound bite for the article. That�
��s not so much, is it?”
“If it’s not so much, then you do it,” I retorted.
I don’t know if it was something Alex arranged, or something genuine. Either way I didn’t like it. A small crew from the local Fox affiliate was here to do a follow-up on the CEO-in-Residence program. It involved pictures. Pictures taken of Alex and me.
When I found out earlier that morning I spent all my spare time trying to get out of it, but it seemed it would take an act of God to get me out of it. I’d never wished for a blizzard or power outage or anything as much as that day.
Mr. Stockwell’s intercom buzzed. He smiled at me apologetically before he pushed the button. “Yes?”
“They’re all here. They want to know where to set up,” the secretary said.
“In the gym. Same place as last time. Let them know Miss Morgan will be along shortly.” He let go of the button and looked at me, “Remember to smile. It’ll be over before you know it!”
As though to demonstrate, he widened his own smile when he showed me to the door.
I got to the gym and paused at the bottom of the stairs to the stage. The crew had set up some photo equipment on there. And Alex stood there, watching me.
It was the first time I’d seen him since that night. He looks good, I thought.
I forced myself up the stairs, smiled at the cameramen, then moved in. “Did you arrange for this?”
“I may have made a suggestion to a friend in the newsroom…”
“French roses didn’t work. Why do you think this will?” I said.
“I’m not giving up on us, Charlie. That’s not how I do things. You know, I actually missed this place. I said hi to Joe and Tyler and a few of the others in the hall on the way over.”
I nodded at the cameras. “At least this time I can see the pictures being taken.”
His jaw tightened and I knew that one stung. I knew it was harsh, but hey, I was angry.
Except I couldn’t let the cameras see that.
What made me angrier was that I could feel inside that I wasn’t over him. A disturbingly large part of me wanted to forgive him. To kiss and make up.