by gard, marian
"It's Ruthersford, not Jackson." She doesn't sound irritated, just matter-of-fact.
"Oh, my God, of course, I'm so sorry." I start to cover my face with my hand and then immediately pull it away and instead clutch the back of my blouse tightly in my fist. I'm an idiot. I feel Collin's warm hand cover my own. He gently tugs my shirt out of my grasp and clasps my hand in his, giving it a tight, reassuring squeeze.
"Oh don't worry about it, dear." Something passes between her and Collin so fast that if I'd blinked, I would've missed it.
She takes a few steps toward us and openly appraises me. I ponder briefly if I'm going to suddenly find myself off the dinner list. My face warms under her evaluation and I'm thankful for the physical connection with Collin. My gratitude is short-lived however, because as soon as she notices our adjoined hands, Collin lets go. She and Collin share another lightning fast exchange that I can't interpret, and then she smiles tightly at me. "Well aren't you just darling! Thank you for the flowers, dear. Let's get them in some water." She hands them to a person in a catering uniform without breaking eye contact with me. "So, you prefer to go by Raven?" I nod my head. "Well, Raven," she takes my now free hand in both of hers. It certainly is good to meet you. I had no idea Collin had a friend as lovely as you." I glance nervously at Collin, but something is going on with him. His expression is flat and devoid of any discernable emotion. "Please make yourself at home. I think we shall be eating in about twenty minutes."
"Thank you." I smile warmly at her.
"C'mon," Collin says, gesturing with his head to the doorway. I follow him into what he refers to as a "little sitting room". When he says "little" he could only mean in comparison to the rest of this ginormous home. This "sitting room" is easily the size of my mother's family room, the biggest room in her house. Collin slumps down on a couch and I follow, sitting in an armchair across from him.
I scrunch my skirt in my hands, still reeling from whatever the hell that was, but decide I need to get Collin talking. He's my only ally here and I can't lose him now. "Your family eats early. I'm not sure I'm even hungry yet."
He shrugs. "Lost your appetite, did you?"
I don't respond to his joke, there's a darkness to it that makes me feel sad. I glance around. Where are all the family photos? I haven't seen a single one in any of the rooms we've been in. Most people usually have at least one up. I'm afraid to ask Collin about it. His house feels more like a museum than a home.
"Where's your brother?"
He shrugs again. "Dunno. Upstairs, I'm guessing. High or passed out, probably."
"Is that, like, allowed?" I can't hide my shock.
"Not exactly. More like ignored. Denial is powerful thing." He's quiet for a minute, picking at imaginary lint on his pants. Then he shakes his head. "I'm really sorry. Sometimes I forget how awful it is here. I'm just used to it. Sitting around alone in your apartment probably sounds pretty awesome right now." His eyes flit to mine and then he returns to staring at his lap.
"Collin, please don't worry about anything. Every family has their dysfunction. I can handle it; trust me. I still think it's incredibly kind of you to invite me here." He gives me a half-smile.
I feel a renewed sense of purpose. If I can help Collin survive his weird family dynamics, then that will be a Thanksgiving miracle. My family is bizarre and messed up, but even on my worst days with my parents, there has easily been ten times the warmth between us compared to what I just observed between Collin and his mother.
Fifteen awkward minutes later we are all seated at the table waiting for Collin's stepdad to arrive. Reba is across from me still listening to her headphones. My step-mom would freak. Collin's mother takes notice and gestures for her to remove them, which she does, with a petulant sigh. Collin's brother, James, is seated adjacent to the head of the table next to Victor's empty chair. His eyes are half-mast and Collin wasn't joking. He definitely looks somewhere between high and asleep. In fact, he looks as though he's moments away from a face plant in the cranberry sauce.
Collin's mother must take notice of me observing him, because she eyes me while she speaks to James. "James, honey, how is your back today?"
"It hurts," he murmurs, sounding more disinterested than pained. He flops some of his hair out of his eyes and shifts in his chair. He looks like a gaunt, male version of Reba only with bed-head and dark circles under his eyes. He's wearing a stained t-shirt and jeans. Double standards around here must be the norm. Poor Collin.
"James," she says, while looking directly at me, "has some problems with his back that require pain medication."
"Oh," I reply, trying to sound sympathetic. A simultaneous snicker from both Reba and Collin drowns me out, however. James doesn't seem to notice, and Collin's mother's expression becomes a mix of irritation and embarrassment, but she doesn't correct them. I examine Collin's profile. He can't possibly think that his brother's drug use is funny, can he? He turns his face toward mine and I know instantly that that isn't it at all. His laugh at least—I can't speak for Reba's—was the sad sarcastic kind, and it was directed at his mother. The truth is there in his eyes; Collin doesn't find humor in any of this.
Suddenly, the man who must be Collin's stepfather emerges. The impact of his presence in the room is palpable immediately. It shocks me to see how someone who is so short, inches shorter than me in fact, could be so imposing without even speaking. On his face he wears a stern expression and a weird sort of smirk. He reminds me of my burned-out high school principal, Mr. Troy, who tried to garner the student body's respect through over-the-top discipline of a handful of boys he'd targeted and regularly referred to as "trash". Collin, who is seated between his stepdad and me, stands up greeting his step-dad formally. I notice Reba and Collin's mom have shifted in their seats, as though everyone is on alert. Well, not everyone, James still appears as though he's taking a holiday on another planet.
"Sir," he says, shaking Victor's hand in a most obligatory way.
"Collin," he replies flatly. He turns and eyes me. "And who do we have here?"
"This is Raven. She's a friend of mine from school."
I stand nervously. I can't remember another time that I felt this on edge. The tension in this room is ridiculous. I shake his hand. "It's very nice to meet you. Thank you for having me."
Collin's mother pipes up. "Raven brought us a lovely bouquet of flowers. They're in the kitchen."
"That was very kind of you, Raven. Thank you," Victor says, taking his hand and running it over his slicked back, dark hair. He sits and I quickly follow suit.
"You're very welcome." I look over at Collin who gives me a supportive smile.
We are about halfway through the most awkward, silent meal of my life when Victor turns his attention to me. "Raven, why don't you tell us about yourself."
All eyes shift to me, even James perks up slightly. From across the table Reba give me a smug smile that's full of hostility. Super. I've gone from the misfit guest to dinner entertainment.
I clear my throat and stare at a painting behind Reba's head. "Well, uh. I'm in the same major as Collin. We have a lot of the same classes. Um…and I'm from southern Illinois." Jesus. How lame am I? Should I throw in I like the color blue?
"All right then," he cuts me off before I can stammer out any other boring anecdotal information. "What do you do besides classes to keep busy?"
His tone sounds accusatory, and for a moment I contemplate if I am guilty of some kind of illegal recreation or shameful pastime. I struggle to respond, but my brain is devoid of anything worth uttering. Then, I hear Reba snicker. Her glee in my discomfort is obvious as she stares at me smugly. I hold eye contact with her for a moment, and neither of us backs down. Her unsubtle play to intimidate me has the opposite effect she's hoping for. A sudden surge of confidence rises within me. I take a sharp breath and fully revive myself.
"I'm very active with school newspaper, and actually I secured a record number of new advertisers this year. I also like to write
and had a story featured just last week. Besides that, I work part-time and play guitar and piano," I say in a voice that finally sounds like my own.
"Advertising!" Victor declares. "Very respectable."
I smile at Reba who is looking noticeably deflated. Take that, bitch.
"Collin?" Victor's voice is curt, and I hear the same accusatory inflection I was just subjected to, only much harsher.
Collin is sipping water from his glass, but shifts his eyes to look at Victor. Setting his glass down, he answers, "Yes."
"How are your grades?" I squirm in my chair; all the victorious sensations I was just having have completely evaporated.
"About the same." He continues eating and doesn't return Victor's vicious gaze.
"Keep it up Collin and they'll kick you out of that school, as they should. Remember there are zero free rides in this house." I look across the table at a near-incapacitated James and entitled Reba, and find that statement hard to believe. "You will not be receiving any funds for living expenses until you bring home grades worthy of it." He pauses, eyeing Collin with an expression so hostile that I feel my eyes water in response. "Understood?"
"Yes, sir," Collin answers.
"It's incomprehensible to me that you can't just put forth some effort, Collin. Do you want to be a bum your entire life? Is that your plan?" Victor demands. All eyes are on Collin, but he doesn't even flinch.
Seemingly not getting the response he's hoping for, Victor turns to me. "You see, Raven, we used to think that perhaps Collin here wasn't that bright and that was the explanation for all of his poor grades. Then, he took one of those standardized tests and blew all of his classmates out of the water. His school claimed he was gifted. Does he seem gifted to you, Raven?" Victor points his dirty fork in my direction and I'm paralyzed with fear. I have no idea what to say or do. The last thing I want is to make anything worse for Collin, but every fiber in my being is telling me to shout at this table full of crazy people what a smart, fantastic guy Collin is. But before I can say anything, Victor backs off. "It was rhetorical, Raven, you don't have to answer."
My heart aches. I reach under the table carefully and find Collin's leg, gently patting it. He captures it in his own and gives it a brief squeeze before releasing it back to my lap. Being here with Collin like this, in his crazy household has completely shifted the way I see him. The odd thing is this: it's as though he finally makes sense. It's like all the little aspects of his personality that didn't add up before, finally do. There's an odd satisfaction in it all, as though all the pieces of him have now slid into place, the Rubik's cube solved. He glances at me again and gives me a smile that is somewhere between an apology and a thank you, and that's the moment that I realize it. I think I might be falling for him.
Later that evening, we're in his basement aka the entertainment room, watching a movie on the biggest TV I've ever seen. Collin seems more like himself; a lot of the earlier tension is gone from him, and I can't help but notice what I already knew: Collin is hot. A few minutes ago, he'd gone upstairs for snacks, and when he returned he sat down next to me on the couch placing my outstretched legs onto his lap, as he settled in. He's done this sort of thing before, but tonight it feels different. I wouldn't say we are affectionate with each other necessarily, like we don't hug a lot or anything, but we do touch each other sometimes. The handholding in the kitchen this morning was a first. It's always seemed really natural, and I never felt like something more was about to happen between us. I glance at his face and he turns and smiles at me, patting my legs.
"Can I get you anything else?"
I shake my head and turn back toward the TV. I can't really focus on the movie; instead all of my attention shifts to the feel of his hands touching me. I imagine what it would be like if this touching led to more touching and my heart accelerates. Is that what I want? His hands shift slightly on my legs and it's like electricity shooting up through them to the rest of my body. So, that answers that.
Up until now, Collin and I have kept things solidly in the friend zone. Several of my girlfriends have insisted that something more must be going on between us, but I've adamantly denied it. In my opinion, there haven't been any clear signals. I do know he has a fair amount of casual sex, but I've never known him to have a girlfriend, so I'm not sure what signs would be like from Collin if he were interested. If Vanessa were here, she would be arguing the invitation to spend Thanksgiving with his family was case in point.
Tonight however, in her absence, I'm considering her point of view more seriously. I begin ticking through potential clues in my head. Allowing me to meet his family is a big deal, it seems, and the touching this weekend has felt more intimate. Maybe Vanessa's right and I have been blind to something happening between us. I feel a sudden rush of excitement wash over me…what if?
I'm covertly studying Collin's profile and contemplating what his lips would feel like against my own, when Reba saunters into the room and interrupts my daydream. She plops down on the couch across from us and unabashedly glares at me. After a moment of staring, she points to my blouse with the same smug look that she gave me at dinner, and says, "You have cranberry sauce on your shirt."
My mouth falls open as I un-tuck my blouse and examine the red spot closer. "Just great," I mutter.
"There's a bathroom right back there." Collin points behind him.
I get up and walk into the bathroom, turn on the lights, and shut the door. I scrub at the stain with water, my nail, and some hand soap—but it makes little difference. I'm exiting the bathroom when I hear Reba say my name. I stop short, back into the bathroom and hold the door slightly ajar.
"Is Raven your girlfriend?" She asks in her sing-songy voice.
"No," Collin responds flatly. I feel a pang of hurt in my chest at his denial, but I don't know why. He's only saying what's true.
"Is she going to be you girlfriend?" From the doorway I can make out the outline of their heads as she leans in toward him.
"No," he says definitively. I press my head against the door. What had I been thinking? He gives her a playful shove. "When have I ever had a girlfriend? You know I'm not into the whole relationship thing." She leans in and whispers something into Collin's ear that I have zero shot of hearing. My stomach churns. I'm sure it's nothing favorable about me. Collin listens and then loudly exhales. "I'm not answering that. Can you quit bugging me? Surely, you have something else you could be doing instead of stalking me and Raven." He gently pushes her away.
"Shut up." She shoves him back. "It's just that you never bring anyone home, so what's up with this girl, anyway?"
He turns toward her. "Nothing is up with her. What's with the third degree, Reba?"
I push the door open a little more trying to get a better view of them, but I can't see much. I don't want to get busted spying, so I retreat a little, straining again to listen.
"She didn't have plans, so I invited her to come here. It's that simple." I feel my heart sink. So, was this just a pity invite? My throat tightens and my cheeks warm as embarrassment takes hold of me. Have I misjudged our friendship, too? I begin giving in to the feeling of rejection and then I hear him add, "You better play nice with her, Reba. You get me?"
She mumbles something I can't understand and I decide I've hidden out about as long as I can.
I slink back out into the rec room and sit where Reba had been, before she stole my seat. It's probably a good thing she did. I need to put romantic ideas of Collin out of my head, and curling up next to him on the couch isn't going to aid in that pursuit. As much as it stung to hear him tell her he doesn't see me that way, it's better to know what he's thinking than to be stuck wondering. I linger over his protectiveness of me. He's so indifferent to just about everybody that I have to feel that is still significant in some way.
"Any luck?" Reba asks, in a mock sweet voice.
"Nope." I respond as flatly as possible. I'm not going to let this girl get to me.
Collin turns toward me. "Do
you want to take it to the cleaners while we're here?"
"Nah, it's no big deal."
He smiles at me and I smile back…friends it is.
Rachel (Present Day)
I realize Collin has been silent, while I was lost in thought. His question about Spencer comes back into focus, and I try to think of a way to explain it all to him.
"He made me feel safe, Collin. As pathetic as it may have seemed to you…for us to have had a five-year plan was immensely comforting to me at the time. He had this idea for a shared future. He wasn't going to leave me." There's something about darkness that makes it easier to be honest; it gives you the bravery to find the words you just can't find in the light.
"It wasn't pathetic," he murmurs.
An awkward silence fills the space between us. The tension feels almost painful before Collin speaks again.
"Is that what I did?"
"What?"
"Leave you?"
"I wasn't talking about you, Collin…but yes, what you did felt an awful lot like leaving me. We were best friends. It was really tough for a while…losing the friendship." I inhale deeply and brace for his response. Giving him this little bit of honesty, this piece of me, it's the scariest thing I've done in a long while. His reply comes much faster than I expect.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry. I never thought of it that way before, but I guess that is what I did." There's a trace of astonishment in his voice that shocks the hell out of me. He pauses a moment and then whispers, "I felt like I was in the way, like you wanted me gone."
"I didn't want you gone, Collin."
I inch a little closer to him, and then my stomach growls so loudly it sounds like I have denied it food for an entire month.
Collin bursts into laughter. "How does a noise that big come out of little you?"
"I don't know," I giggle. "I'm half expecting some alien to burst through my stomach in a minute."