by gard, marian
I can't tell him now about the doubt I'm feeling about Beckett, and my life, and the path that it's on, though part of me wants to. I'm not ready for any of this to end. Right now, nothing seems scarier than those doors opening the whole world back up again.
"And you'll go back to Leighton," I whisper.
"Raven?" I am ashamed at how I feel when he calls me that. Chills run over me, reminding me of the effect he has on me even when our physical contact has ceased. When I graduated, I banned the use of "Raven" with everyone who called me it, reasoning that it didn't make sense to continue with the moniker in the "real world". Employers concede to nicknames that make sense—like shortening Katherine to Kathy or the use of a middle name versus the first—but pet names are reserved for home life, not your corporate cubicle. I never admitted out loud, that beyond all of that, without Collin there was no Raven. I told Collin once that I had never really liked my given, so switching to the nickname he'd given me was a welcomed change. That was partially true, the other part of all of that was how it made me feel. It was like it represented this part of me I was never sure I could really be. Forever in purgatory between two warring parents—and families for which my presence was only intermittent—had made me feel as though I had to be independent, strong, perfect all the time. That was Rachel. Raven was someone else. She was still strong, but she could also be spontaneous, creative, and maybe even sexy. Things I never trusted myself to be out in the world, things I only felt free to be with Collin.
"Raven?" Collin says again.
Realizing I haven't responded, I answer, "I'm here."
"When you saw that I was different, you know, changed. Why did you laugh? Are you, um, disappointed?" His voice is rough and raw and I can feel his vulnerability even though we are no longer touching.
"I'm sorry, Collin. God, I am so sorry. No. No, I'm definitely not disappointed in you. Far from it. You amaze me…It was all just such a shock. Seeing you at all was a shock." I clench my hands into tight fists. It's all I can do not to touch him again.
He doesn't really respond and I contemplate his question further. In truth, there was a part of me that felt a bizarre hurt to see him doing so well. I feel so guilty for having had those thoughts about someone who I'd cared so very deeply for; but it was this very perception of him as totally unmotivated, that I'd used to justify rejecting him so many years ago. At the time I was so sure he was unwilling to ever do more with his life. I'd pictured him squandering all his gifts and continuing to give the world the middle finger whenever he could. Seeing him successful, happy, and so ‘together' makes me realize just how messed up I feel. Now I'm the one with the mask. I have a front I put on for the rest of the world, always pretending that I've got it together, that I know what I want, or even who I am; meanwhile, that couldn't be further from the truth.
I huff out a little sigh, searching for the most honest response I can muster for now. "If anyone here is a disappointment, it's me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, Collin. I work a million hours and to what end? What's the point of it all?" I haven't had anything to drink for hours, but I think that has little to do with the gigantic lump in my throat.
"You're not a disappointment—" he starts to say something more and then the seemingly blazing lights come back on with no preamble whatsoever, as though someone had just forgotten to flip the switch all this time.
"Ugh!" We both groan, covering our eyes and stumbling to a stand. Before either of us can speak the elevator shakes and then begins its descent, on autopilot, to the first floor.
Neither of us looks at the other and just before we arrive Collin murmurs, "I guess this is it."
The doors open, and adjacent to a large crowd of workmen, and the fire department, are Beckett and Leighton. Two men from the fire department question us about how we are feeling and give us large bottles of water, which we both drink gratefully. After a brief once-over we both decline any additional medical attention and are excused to our significant others.
"Baby!" Beckett exclaims, pulling me into his arms. I'm vaguely aware of Leighton and Collin embracing next to me and I try in vain to think: Beckett, Beckett, Beckett. Leighton moves to stand next to me.
"You've got quite the catch in this one." She points over at Beckett. "He has been running the show over here." I glance up at Beckett who is inhaling the praise like it's oxygen and beaming brightly.
"Oh yeah?" I say, turning to face Collin and Leighton. Beckett keeps one arm wrapped around me, his hand firm on my hip. Leighton has a vice grip on Collin's arm.
"Yes!" she exclaims. "As soon as the power outage happened he came over here to check on you."
"Well, it wasn't right away, but when I didn't hear back from you after several texts, I got worried." He shrugs one shoulder. "When I got here your receptionist told me that you were stuck in the elevator with some guy who brought you lunch. I remembered you said you were having lunch with Collin, so I figured it was him."
Leighton jumps in, finishing up the story like this is some sort of one-act play the two of them have put together. "Amazingly, Beckett remembered that I work at the 5/3rd Bank just a few blocks from here. She leans over, grabbing my arm. Then she raises her eyebrows as she says to me, her voice lowered, "Hang onto this one. He's a good listener." She releases me and then continues, smiling brightly. "We were all standing around outside with security, because they locked up the bank as soon as they lost power. Beckett flagged me down and we walked back over here together. In no time at all Beckett was on top of it." I wonder to myself what exactly Beckett could've been on top of. Last time I checked he wasn't an electrician.
I tug on Beckett's arm and he looks down at me. "Is Marissa still here?" I ask, quietly enough for just Beck to hear me. "I should thank her." And apologize!
"Oh, no, baby. Pretty much everyone from the building is gone. They made people clear out when they realized it was gonna take so long. She was one of the first ones outta here. I was lucky to have caught her at all. The only reason we were allowed to stay is because our loved ones were trapped in the elevator." I nod.
Loved ones.
"So guys," Beckett turns to address everyone. "They have a generator up and running here, that's how they were able to free you two and get some limited electricity going, but power is still out in and around the surrounding area. I heard it's impacting the south and west loops." He turns and looks directly at me. "Including our neighborhoods." He shifts his gaze to Leighton. "So, I was gonna to make arrangements for us to stay in a hotel tonight—"
"But," Leighton interjects. This whole finishing each other's sentences routine needs to come to an end. Like, now. "I told Beckett, no way. Collin has plenty of room at his place, so you all are going to come over for dinner tonight and stay with us in Bucktown." The exchange that happens between Collin and me is lightning fast, but in that brief flicker in time I know we are both thinking the same thing: oh, shit.
"Well, we don't want to impose, do we Beckett? A hotel will be fine." I'm willing him to read my thoughts: say no, say no, say no.
Leighton shoves Collin and he blinks. Then almost robotically he says, "We'd be glad to have you."
I look over at Beckett and he's beaming like an idiot. No help there. "Um, I need to get my stuff from my office, at least my phone and purse anyway."
Beckett points to a nearby bench where my coat, purse and messenger bag are neatly laid out. I raise my eyebrows and he shrugs. "I had some time to kill while we were waiting for your rescue."
"How did you? I mean the stairwell had to be pitch black?"
He winks. "Shhh…don't tell. I swiped a flashlight from work." Only Beckett would sneak up the stairwell when no one was looking during a blackout. I feel myself soften a little toward him. I know any negative feelings I'm having now are a direct result of my own guilt.
"Thanks, Beck." He leans down and kisses my cheek.
"I'm just glad you're here in one piece. What happened there?" Beckett points to my torn stockings a
t the knee where a small circle of pink irritated skin is exposed.
I exhale and say, "Finding the emergency phone in a pitch black elevator is tougher than one might assume."
"Oh, baby. What an ordeal! I'm so sorry." He ushers me over to my belongings and helps me with my coat. Collin and Leighton are now engaged in what appears to be a heated exchange. Collin isn't giving much away, but Leighton's fists are at her hip and her toddler-like pout are a dead giveaway. I subtly gesture toward them and whisper to Beckett, "Are you sure this is a good idea? I really don't want to put them out."
Beckett shrugs. "I don't think Leighton is going to take no for answer. She seems to be a get-what-she-wants sorta girl."
"Yeah, I'm gathering that," I say, pulling my cell phone from my purse. Eleven missed calls and twenty text messages. I open one from Vanessa asking if the power is out in my building and whether or not I'm OK. I answer her text in my head. Yes, to the first question, and no way in hell, to the second.
Chapter 13
Collin
One of the most infuriating things about Leighton is sometimes she knows exactly what I'm thinking or feeling, but she almost never gives a crap. She knows damn well I don't want Rachel and what's-his-face at my house for a freaking group sleepover. I swear to God, any chance this girl gets to play house, she seizes. She won though, because here we are—on our way to Awkwardville. Traffic is a nightmare, so we're walking. The long walk is not such a bad thing for me. I need to cool the fuck down or I don't stand a chance at making it through dinner. I was worried about Raven's feet, though. She shrugged it off. She has a pair of flats in her bag that she slips on. She says she can make it.
I've tried to read her face, but I can't tell what she's thinking apart from not being thrilled about this idea either. Leighton bounces along beside me. She, on the other hand, is completely delighted. She assumes she's helping me rekindle a friendship and to use her words, "increase my social circle"; she has no idea what this may have reignited. If she had any clue, she'd lose that spring in her step pretty quick.
"Are you sure you have power, Collin?" Raven asks, closing the gap between us. Her face screwed up with worry.
Leighton turns to face Raven before I can answer. "I don't at my place, but I called Collin's neighbor, and he said they're fine there. I'm not sure if you're hungry. There are some decent take-out places near us, or Collin could make something if he‘s feeling up to it." She squeezes my bicep and looks up at me.
I force a smile and shrug. "Sure, I guess."
Chapter 14
Rachel
"Thanks for all your hospitality, Collin. Dinner was fantastic," Beckett says.
We're lounging in Collin's living room. Beck and I are seated together on a long, black leather couch with Collin and Leighton cozy on the sofa across from us. I nod in agreement, and return to nervously picking at an imaginary stain on my jeans. Right now I'll do just about anything to avoid eye contact with Collin or Leighton. I always keep a change of clothes at the office so that I can slip into something more comfortable when I'm there really late. Beck knows this and grabbed the bag of wrinkly—and slightly smelly—clothes stashed in the bottom drawer of my desk. Needless to say, I'm feeling juuust fabulous in my out-of-date loungewear.
Beck swirls his wine in his glass. "Rachel doesn't enjoy cooking, so that's become my department. I have to say, though, I'm impressed with your impromptu culinary skills. I doubt I could've pulled off such a feat with no notice whatsoever."
Collin nods in acknowledgement, smiles cordially, but doesn't really reply. I think I can count on one hand the number of words he's said since we arrived at his utilitarian, uber-clean townhome. I don't know what I pictured in my head when I've thought of Collin living somewhere, but this wasn't it. Everything is so pristine; it hardly looks like anyone lives here. For all the years I knew him, though, I can't really recall him ever having a place that was completely his own. He told me his mother had his room redone a millisecond after he left for college, and he always lived in some cramped dump at school. I'm curious about his home and his life here, but I can't imagine us talking about it now. His silence was less obvious when he was making dinner, or even while we were eating, but now it's verging on awkward. He's hating that we're here. Leighton seems even more troubled by Collin's reticence than me. She swings her legs off of his and slaps his thigh.
"Why don't you two boys chat? I'll take Rachel to find something to wear tomorrow." She extends a hand to me and rhythmically bounces it in the air waiting for me to embrace it.
"Oh," I choke out. My voice is scratchy and choppy as though I haven't spoken in days. "You don't have to do that, Leighton." I wave her away, but she continues to stare me down.
"Nonsense! What's the alternative? I'm sure you don't want to trudge back to your place at the crack of dawn tomorrow. C'mon it'll be fun!" She bounds over to me grabbing my hand and yanking me off the couch. I shoot Beckett a pleading look and he just returns it with an expression of complete amusement.
She's still clutching my hand when we reach the stairs and I begin to untangle it from hers. "That's quite a grip you've got there, Leighton."
"Oh! Sorry, Rachel. I didn't even realize. I didn't bruise you did I?"
"No. I'm just teasing," I reply, examining my hand as I trail behind her.
Just before we reach the top of the stairs it occurs to me I'm about to go into Collin's bedroom…with his girlfriend. I guess this shouldn't be weird, but it sure feels that way. We reach the landing and she points down the hallway. "Collin and I aren't living together yet, but I stay here often enough that I have a stash of clothing in his spare bedroom closet." She turns to me and shrugs. "It's not like he was using it." I nod my head and give her a smile. At least this isn't his bedroom. Deep breaths. Leighton is sifting through the clothes that nearly fill the oversized closet, and I can't help but wonder what the heck could be left back at her place.
"Perfect!" She declares. "I know I'm a lot shorter than you, but I think this skirt will work." She thrusts a black skirt with a wavy hemline in my direction. "It should match the pumps you had on earlier, too." She turns back toward the closet and begins pushing clothing off from one side to the other, one by one. "Now, we just need to find a cute blouse." She sorts through a few more and then selects a solid teal one with three-quarter-length sleeves. "Yes! This will look fantastic on you. Oh, and you know what else? I have a scarf in the dresser that will go great with it." She shuts the closet door and crosses the room to a tall, dark wood dresser. "Shhh! Don't tell Collin! He'd pitch a fit if he knew how much stuff I've snuck in here." She giggles, while I try to picture Collin ‘pitching a fit'.
I glance around the room and notice a series of canvases leaning against the wall, along with an easel and supply box. Is this his art room? Other than the dresser there isn't much in here, but there's a window that probably offers great natural light during the day. What a perfect place for him to paint. I wonder why it isn't set up. Leighton notices me staring and says, "Oh, I know all that stuff just looks awful in here. I keep trying to convince him to put it in the basement storage closet instead of leaving it in this room to collect dust." I place my hand to my lips and try to suppress the sudden wave of anger I feel. She should be encouraging him to paint anywhere he wants. This is his place, not hers! She hands me the shirt and I do my best to quickly compose myself.
"I'm sure this will be just perfect," I say, carefully folding the bundle. "Thank you, Leighton. I'll get all of this washed up and returned to you just as soon as possible."
"Oh, no worries. Now that you and Collin have reconnected, I'm hoping we will be seeing a lot more of you guys." She grins and nods as she says this, and I can tell she means it kindly and honestly.
I nod in return, but don't speak. I feel like anything I could say would just be a lie at this point. Her face is so earnest that I feel ill again about the elevator and all the touching. God, what the hell were we thinking?
Turning away from
me and back to her endless clothing supply she says, "Let's see, you'll need some PJs for tonight, too, right?"
"Oh, Leighton, that isn't necessary. You've done enough," I protest. My objections are as useless as they are ignored, because Leighton is already riffling through nightgowns and other bedtime attire. Something black with ruffles and sequins catches my eye and I feel weak in the knees. Suddenly, unwanted visions of Leighton and Collin's intimacy floods my mind. I picture him touching her in the satin lingerie and I'm suddenly filled with so much negative emotion that I feel faint. This is far more than just feeling awkward. There's a strong, heady mix of guilt and something else, something completely unwanted and alien inside me. The effects of which are enough to make me wonder if I really might become physically ill. I feel like an intruder not just in Leighton's gigantic closet, but here, in Collin's home, in his life.
"It's no big deal." She opens a second dresser drawer and then hands me a billowy tank top with matching shorts. "It might be a little skimpy, but I'm sure Beck won't mind." She nudges me gently and winks. I have the presence of mind to laugh charitably forcing a temporary hiatus on my panic cycle. "You know, it's getting late. I think I might just get changed now, since I'm up here anyway." Then, with practically no warning at all, Leighton just starts getting undressed right in front of me. I whirl around to face the wall. What the hell?
"I think my cousin works in your building," she says casually, as though she isn't currently half-naked.
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, she's a receptionist. I think she's been there about eight or nine months now." She opens a wicker basket and out of the corner of my eye I see her toss a bra into it. Great.
"Do you know which company? There are at least a dozen other businesses there." I pull my shirt over my head, having decided that it's definitely weirder for me to just stand here while she undresses and not get changed myself.