by gard, marian
"Are you sure?" His face is blank, unreadable.
"I am, and I would just like to say—". Before I can finish, Tim cuts me off, holding his hand up.
"If this is what you want, then two weeks' notice is unnecessary. Security will supply you with a box for your things and will help you to your car. You can be finished this morning." Practically ten years of my life working for this man and he can't even bother to look up at me for more than a few seconds. If I wasn't sure about my decision to change jobs before, I sure am now. I sit quietly while Tim calls security.
When he hangs up he sorts papers on his desk and refuses to look at me. "All the arrangements have been made," he says sternly. "You no longer have a working access code, so don't touch your computer or your files when you collect your things."
"No problem," I mutter. We're clearly done here.
*** *** ***
I ring Vanessa's doorbell a little before five armed with a pizza and Candyland.
"Hey, girl!" Vanessa swings the door open, giving me a look that is both happy to see me and confused. "What are you doing here and what's all this?" She asks, taking the boxes from me as I kick off my shoes.
"We're celebrating me quitting my job." Amazingly, uttering these words doesn't make me nauseous. In fact, I feel more self-assured than I have for years.
"Get out!" she shouts. "What on earth are you talking about?" Just then, her girls, Maddie and Lindy, come roaring around the corner.
"Mommy, did you just tell Aunt Rachel to get out?" Maddie's bambi eyes look back forth between us nervously.
We both laugh. Vanessa bends down to her daughter's eye level. "No, honey. It's just an expression."
"Oh, it was an espreshun, Lindy," Maddie says, swirling her skirt around. "Aunt, Rachel?"
"Yes, dear," I bend toward her. She looks just like her mother, with her beautiful curls and big brown eyes.
"Will you come see the Play-Doh man I made? He has green ears!"
"I'd love to! And actually, if it's OK with your mommy and daddy, I'm going to watch you two tonight so they can have a date." Maddie immediately cheers, but Lindy looks a little concerned. I smile into her worried face. "I brought pizza and Candyland!"
"Pizza!" the girls cheer in unison, and go running off into the next room.
"What's this?" Vanessa asks, looking shocked.
"It's my way of saying thank you for being an endlessly amazing friend," I say. "You've helped me through so much and I feel like I'm finally coming out on the other side. I know I should've given you notice, but the idea came to me and I just didn't want to wait."
Ryan emerges in the foyer. I was hoping he'd be home, too. "Hey Rachel! It's nice to see you in the light of day. Did you take the day off?" He scratches his head, giving me a once over.
"No, she quit her job!" Vanessa says, still looking shocked. She hands him the pizza box.
"It's OK guys, I accepted another offer already. I haven't gone off the deep end. In fact, this is me getting my life together, finally. I wanted to thank you for all the support you've given me, by offering you two a night out. I'll feed the girls and get them to bed. You guys have a nice date."
"Wow, Rachel. That's very kind. Come on in," he waves me into the living room. "We don't have to stand out here talking."
I sit down on the couch opposite of them, and watch as the girls tear into the Candyland box, inventing their own play with the pieces inside. I tell Vanessa and Ryan about the new job, and how excited I am. I relay the story of my resignation, Tim's coldness, and getting escorted out by security in front of everyone.
"When do you start the new job?" Ryan asks.
"Not until the start of next month, so I'll have almost three weeks off. I won't know what to do with myself!" I laugh and they do too.
"I'm proud of you, girl." Vanessa says. "So, what made you arrive at this decision?"
"I had this moment when I realized almost nothing in my life was how I wanted it to be. I didn't feel like I could take a leap into a relationship, especially one bound to be serious, if I felt like the rest of me was just in chaos." I bite my lower lip as thoughts of Collin flood my mind.
Vanessa raises her eyebrows and mouths, "Collin?" I nod and an enormous grin spreads across her face.
The girls shriek with delight, chasing each other around with the little Candyland figures. I smile at them, thinking how glad I am that they gave me the flu. "When I got sick and missed that meeting, things really fell apart. Then the break-up with Beckett—it was like everything in my life just hit the fan at once. It was the worst and the best thing to have happened to me. What I've learned is when everything in your life falls apart, it really makes you realize what's worth putting back together."
I inhale a deep breath and level them both with my eyes. "There's something else too, that I want to tell both of you." Ryan and Vanessa stare at me earnestly. "Collin is back in my life and I think things are going to be pretty serious between us for what I hope to be a long time." I turn toward Ryan. "Ryan, I know you were friends with both Spencer and Beckett, and from your point of view this probably seems like an irresponsible repeat of history. I'm not going to try to tell you what to think, and I guess I get it if you don't like Collin." I take a deep breath and then almost chuckle at how completely uncomfortable he looks. "The thing is, I think he and I are really good for each other, and I want to make it work with him. It would mean a lot to have your support." Ryan raises his eyebrows at me, making sure I've finished talking before he begins to speak. We've never been independently close friends, but through Vanessa we've spent a lot of time together, and have become an important part of each other's lives. I felt like I owed him this conversation.
"Look Rach, this is your life, and if Collin makes you happy, I say, go for it. I never knew the guy all that well to begin with, so I shouldn't be judging anyway. Besides, I'd like to think that I'm different than I was in college. I'm sure he's changed for the better, too." Vanessa pats Ryan's knee. She's clearly pleased with his response. He smiles tensely at us both. He wants out of this conversation, like now.
"Thanks, Ryan. That means a lot." He nods, smiling.
"We love you, Rachel, and from what I've seen, so does Collin. I really hope you two find happiness in each other," Vanessa chimes in.
"I love you guys!" I leap up and reach to hug them both.
Maddie turns to see me embracing her parents and screams: "Group hug!" She and Lindy climb on top of us and we all become a pile of hugs and laughter.
I begin extracting myself from the giggling tangle of arms and legs. "Alright, you two, get out of here and enjoy your night!" I command.
"You don't have to ask me twice," Vanessa declares. "Ryan, I'm going to run up and change. I'll meet you in the car in fifteen minutes."
Chapter 35
Collin
I don't give a flying shit that today is my birthday. Usually the only people who even acknowledge it are my mom and Reba. Last year that short list included Leighton, too. The only meaning today holds for me is that is finally the day I get to see Rachel. Every single day this week has dragged on endlessly with each hour seemingly passing slower than the last. Thank God work was busy or I might've completely lost it. How the hell I managed to go a decade without her seems incomprehensible to me now. I almost broke down and called her twice, but Reba insisted I give her the space she asked for, and has repeatedly reassured me all will be well. She's no relationship expert, but she's basically all of I've got, so I've chosen to believe her.
I did text Rachel this morning to confirm details and to make sure she wasn't backing out. She returned the text saying she could come by any time. It took more willpower than I'd like to admit, not to drop everything at work and tell her I'd see her in five minutes. She and Reba are both supposed to show up around 5:30. I left work early and went for a long-ass run hoping I could literally exhaust my nerves. It only worked a little.
*** *** ***
"You look nice," Reba coos, g
iving me a mischievous smile. She must've arrived while I was in the shower. She's perched on a stool facing the kitchen island and snacking on pita chips from my pantry. A food that undoubtedly is banned from whatever fad diet she's on now. I guess it only counts if she buys it herself. "Are you excited?"
I scoff. "Excited?" She nods enthusiastically. This is about as giddy as Reba's ever been about anything concerning me. "Not exactly. I mean, what if she took this week and decided she needs us to stay just friends? She said she didn't want me to ‘fix her', which I wasn't trying to do. I have no idea where that came from. She's perfect the way she is." I run my fingers through my hair. I can't decide if I'm shocked or horrified at how I just spewed all my worries all over the place right in front of my ridiculous stepsister. I also can't decide if saying out loud exactly what I'm feeling means I've made progress or officially fucking lost it. Reba's smile grows. She's freaking loving this. I can't believe I'm reduced to this ‘girl talk' with my stepsister. What has this woman done to me?
"Settle down, Collin. It's going to be fine. I think it's great you see her that way, but what matters is how she sees herself. I think that's what she was getting at."
Reba might be ridiculous, but she's also definitely had my back. If she thought this whole thing was about to blow up in my face, she'd let me know. I feel sure of that. Besides, if there's one talent Reba has always had it has been to get a quick and accurate read on other girls. She didn't always use her girly intuition for good when she was younger, but most of that bullshit has washed away as she's grown up. I kick her with the tip of my shoe. "How did you get to be so smart?"
"I learned it from watching you," she quips.
I laugh at her reference to an unfortunately comical just-say-no-to-drugs ad from our childhood.
Her phone chimes and she extracts it from her jeans and studies her message. "I'll be back in a few. Why don't you pour yourself some wine and try to chill out a bit?"
"Well, since I've been listening to all the rest of your advice, I might as well not stop now, right?" She smiles as I pull a wine glass down from the cabinet.
"Pour one for me too, K?"
"You got it," I call after her.
Rachel
I wave to Reba as she comes bounding down the sidewalk to my car. When she reaches me I can't hide my excitement. I'm babbling away before she can get a word out. "Reba, thank you so much for helping me. I think it turned out really well. Do you want to see it?"
"Yes! Yes! Hurry up before he sees us out here!" She bounces up and down on the balls of her feet.
"Look at you," I say touching her arm, "it's so nice to see you this excited and joyful. I remember when I first met you there wasn't much that put a smile on your face. I never dreamed we'd be friends someday, but I'm so thankful we are." I smile at her. I owe her these words and possibly much more for all she's done for Collin, but I'm not going to cry in the middle of the sidewalk, so this is all I can say for now.
"Oh, you're the sweetest, Rachel." She sweeps me into hug so tight it nearly knocks the wind out of me. "I see why my brother is losing his mind in there."
"He is?"
"Oh yeah. I think there might be gel in his hair."
I can't help but laugh out loud.
"What?" I exclaim. A smile expands across my face so wide that it nearly hurts.
"I know, right?" She nudges me. "Anyway, enough of the chit-chat— show me what you made!"
I grab the gift bag from where it sits on my passenger seat and gently move the tissue paper aside, extracting a large, black canvas book. She flips to the front page and inscribed on the interior of the cover are the words Collin's dad wrote to him.
"Don't create because you're trying to make something great. Create because the act of doing it will be great." – Gage Jackson.
Below that I included a personal note. I see Reba reading it and decide that as intimate as my words to Collin are, I don't mind sharing them with her.
Collin,
This is an artist's book that I've started for you. It begins with how you became the artist you are today and it ends however you decide. I'm thankful for every moment in here I shared with you and am already dreaming about all the new memories we will make together.
Love always,
Raven
Reba closes the book and runs her hand along the binding.
"Collin is going to love this. Hell, I love this. It's really great, Rachel." She shakes her head, beaming.
"Thanks. I'm glad you think he'll like it."
Reba raises her eyebrows and inquires in a hopeful tone, "Can I see the part that I helped with?"
"Oh, sure! Of course you can."
She hands it back to me and I open it up to the page containing the childhood photos Reba supplied. I'd asked her to find snapshots of happy memories, especially ones that involved him engaging in art. I was a little worried she'd have trouble finding anything, but it turned out that she knew about a box of his mother's things, which she later referred to as a "gold mine". My favorite one is of Collin, when he's probably no older than four, teetering on a stool in the kitchen next to his dad.
"I scanned them all to create a solid page," I explain.
"It's incredible, Rachel! So, he can add things to this, right?"
"Yeah. I just started it for him with the stuff you found and some things I saved from back in the day. I'm hoping it might help him to find some closure and process things?" I shrug nervously. "I'm excited to give it to him, but also a little anxious. What should I do? Should I just hand it to him?"
"Oh, I got that covered. Collin dragged out all the deck furniture this afternoon." She giggles. "He basically can't sit still. Anyway, we can sneak up the back steps and put it on the table there. Then, when you're ready, you can take him outside for the big reveal." She waves her hands in the illustrative way game show models do, and we both giggle like little girls.
"I like your style, Reba. Let's do this!"
After we successfully pull off our hide-the-birthday-gift mission, we sprint to the front of his house. Reba opens the door for me.
"I believe you're the guest of honor. After you."
Collin
Just the sight of Rachel sends relief flooding through my veins. My first thought is about how hot she looks. It's inarticulate, possibly even immature, and definitely sexist, to have such a basic caveman thought about her, but damn, there it is. I inhale and get my shit together. Whatever may or may not happen between us tonight is about a hell of a lot more than my carnal thoughts. Her hair is in soft waves, framing her face, and she's wearing a light blue sundress, which perfectly matches her eyes. There's a different energy about her, too. She looks relaxed and happy. Really happy. I have the urge to run to her and scoop her up in my arms, and make good on at least one of the fantasies I dreamed up in my head this week, but I hold back. I have to. Just her arrival here tonight is not an answer to the question I left suspended between us almost a week ago. Not really. There's a voice inside me, though, one that is growing louder by the second and it's telling me that she's here for me. Her hair, that dress, those eyes—for the first time ever, it really feels like it could all be for me.
"Look who came dressed up for my birthday party," I say, guiding her into my house. "You look beautiful, Rachel." She gives me a shy smile, and when we reach my kitchen I pull her into my arms. She allows the hug and I can feel her holding me in return. She wants this…I feel hope and possibility filling in all the tiny spaces in our tight embrace. "Am I'm allowed to say I've missed you?"
"It's allowed." She pulls back and looks up at me. I can see in her face that she's sincere and search as I might, I can't find any trace of the worry and panic that seemed to consume her before. My heart rate has accelerated again, but this time the cause is joy and excitement and there isn't an ounce of the paralyzing fear I felt when I laid everything I had at her feet.
I brush her chin with my knuckles gently. "Something is different about you." I eye Reba
who is standing off to the side, looking like the cat that ate the canary. These two have been up to something. I have to grin at the thought of the two of them being in cahoots on a regular basis. I'm screwed.
"There are a lot of things different about me, and I can't wait to tell you all about my week, and the plans I have for my career and everything else…but right now, it's your birthday and I have something for you."
I feel a stupid grin spread across my face, but I can't control it, not today. Rachel grabs my hand and pulls me toward the sliding glass door that leads to my deck. When we reach the threshold, she pauses.
"Close your eyes." I hesitate and she commands, "Do it, Collin!"
"Alright, alright, geez…" I do as she says and feel her tug me through the doorway. Once we're outside she squeezes my hand.
Still hanging on tight to me she says, "OK, open them."
Sitting on the table is a large, black gift bag with white tissue sticking out. Not wanting to let go of her, I cover my mouth with my free hand, trying to suppress my smile. I turn toward her. "Rachel, just having you here on my birthday is gift enough. You didn't have to buy me anything."
"Good. ‘Cuz I didn't. Now, open it." She releases my hand and gently pushes me toward the table where the gift sits.
I toss the tissue aside and extract a cloth-covered book. I glance at her and she nods for me to open it. The first thing I notice is the quote from the letter I shared with her. I turn a page and find a collage of childhood photos in black and white. She's collected so many pieces of my life, and tied them all together with my father's words. I flip back to the first page and see that she's included an inscription. I read it and then turn to her, my eyes filled with tears. "I love it. How did you?"
"Reba helped a lot." Rachel says, gesturing toward her.
I whirl around and give Reba a hug. "Thank you. Thank you for everything." She embraces me back, and I realize more than ever before how real my connection to my stepsister is. We are family and the death of our parents isn't going to change that.