She’d kept the two of them apart. She had her reasons. Denial being the biggest one. Looking at them now and realizing how many games of catch they’d missed, she wondered if she could have done it differently.
She’d seen firsthand what happened to a man who sacrificed his dream for a family he wasn’t ready for. She’d lived her whole life knowing that, if not for her existence, her father might have made something of himself. He might have been a star of something bigger than a small town varsity football team.
It didn’t matter. Johnny had made it. He was a star. If he put himself in the limelight, he could be a superstar. He didn’t date supermodels or movie stars, and he didn’t appear on reality shows or celebrity competitions. Just played his game and played it well. And he kept his private life private. While he might be one of the best pitchers to ever take the mound, he wasn’t generally recognized out of uniform.
She imagined he liked it that way. Never one to play for fame, he just wanted to win. To do his job to the best of his ability and come back and do it again five days later. She’d read the articles about him. He’d been called a workhorse. A solid player. A quiet champion.
His nickname was “The Monk.” He was well known for his calm composure on the field. His almost Zen-like control. The tighter the game, the more focused he seemed. The higher the stakes, the calmer he appeared. He never got rattled. Something to be praised in an All-Star pitcher. But it had driven her crazy in their relationship.
Maybe she’d expected too much of him. She’d wanted romance and flowers and pretty words. He’d been able to give her friendship and passion, but not poetry. Or promises. Whenever she’d pressed for assurances about their future together, he’d become restless and withdrawn. She’d thought it meant he wasn’t serious about their relationship. But maybe she’d been asking too much. He’d always been a little insecure about his place in the world. Outside of baseball, he thought he had nothing to offer.
So, she’d made sure he had baseball.
Just like she’d made sure Zach had baseball. Maybe it was her subconscious way of connecting him to his real father. Or maybe it was her way of staying connected to the man she’d never stopped loving.
Oh, she’d made a huge error. She never should have let Johnny go. She’d been so afraid of losing him, that she’d pushed him away. She hadn’t known she might be pregnant. She’d thought it happened the night she and Mel went out to celebrate Johnny’s success. They’d had a little too much to drink and instead of getting behind the wheel, they’d gotten a hotel room. One thing led to another and when she missed her period a few weeks later, Mel proposed.
Neither of them wanted to acknowledge the possibility that the baby could have been Johnny’s. They both knew Johnny was headed for the big leagues. He deserved a chance to follow his dream. She couldn’t take that away from him. Not when there was a chance he’d be giving it up for a kid who wasn’t even his.
But now, seeing the two of them together, she wondered if she’d done the right thing. If Zach was Johnny’s son, they’d both missed so much.
* * * *
Alice sent Zach in to shower before dinner. She took the opportunity to take a good look around his room. He still kept a few Lego creations gathering dust on a shelf, but she was seeing fewer and fewer signs of the little boy he used to be. The Thomas the Train set had been replaced by baseball card collections, and Sports Illustrated magazines were piled up where his picture books used to be. His elementary school drawings had been taken down to make room for Goliaths pennants and posters of his favorite baseball players. Including the one of Johnny Scottsdale tacked up over his bed.
She’d never really looked too closely at the poster. She didn’t need a reminder of what she’d given up. But now, she couldn’t help but notice how much he looked like Zach. The eyes mostly, but also the curve of the lips, the set of the jaw that was becoming more apparent in Zach as he grew older. Did he look up at the picture and feel like he was looking into a mirror?
“Mom! What are you doing in here?” Zach stood in the doorway, with a towel wrapped around his waist and his hair still dripping from the shower. She remembered with a pang when he would run down the hall naked, not caring who saw him in his birthday suit.
“I was just making sure your room was company clean.” She picked up his glove off the end of his bed and set it on the dresser. “In case you want to show Johnny your trophies, or something.”
“Do you think he’d want to see stupid Little League trophies?” Zach tried to sound like he couldn’t care less, but she knew him. He was trying not to get his hopes up.
“I think he would be impressed by your accomplishments.” She swallowed, trying not to let her voice betray her emotions. He couldn’t know that Johnny might be more than just a guest. At least not until she knew what to do about it.
“Yeah, right. Like my t-ball participation trophy is going to mean anything to a guy with two Cy Young Awards.” Zach rolled his eyes, not understanding how his award could measure up to the one given to the best pitcher in the league.
“You never know.” Alice slipped out of the room so Zach could get dressed. And so she could regain her composure. That t-ball trophy would mean something to Johnny if he was Zach’s father. But it would also serve as a reminder of the things he’d missed. Would Johnny have traded his All-Star appearances, his Cy Young Awards and his perfect game for the thirteen years of memories he hadn’t been there for?
Or would he have resented them for taking away his dream? She never wanted Zach to feel the burden of knowing he was the reason his father had given up on his shot at making it as a professional athlete. She knew what that felt like. Knew all too well. Her father had passed up a football scholarship to work at the mines and support the family he’d never planned on. She couldn’t do that to Johnny or Zach.
Johnny arrived right on time. He even brought a bottle of wine. A California zinfandel that would go perfectly with the pot roast she’d put in the Crockpot that morning.
“Thank you for coming.” She took the bottle and led Johnny into the dining room. She and Zach usually took their meals at the breakfast nook, but she needed to put more space between her and Johnny. Although having an entire continent between them hadn’t done much to cool off her feelings for him.
“Would you open the wine?” She handed him a corkscrew. “I have a few more things to get from the kitchen.”
“Sure.” Johnny made quick work of uncorking the bottle. “Is there anything else I can do to help?”
“No. I’ve got everything under control.” Except her heart rate. Her emotions. Her longing to touch him again.
Zach came into the kitchen, wearing his nice clothes. He wore a button up shirt tucked into dress slacks. All that was missing was a tie. Wow. This was important to him. Did he suspect that Johnny was more than just a friend? Or was he simply trying to impress the man who’d been his hero for so long?
“Will you take the salad to the table?” She tried to sound normal. To keep the pride from sneaking into her voice. “Johnny’s already here.”
“He is?” Zach smoothed his hair back. Yes. He was hoping to impress. “Cool.”
Alice picked up the platter of pot roast, potatoes and vegetables. She carried it into the dining room as if she were serving any other meal.
“Everything looks delicious.” Johnny was talking about the food, but he looked at her with a different kind of hunger.
“Thank you. It’s Zach’s favorite.” She glanced at her son, hoping he wouldn’t notice the color in her cheeks. The warmth that spread all the way down to her toes from the sound of Johnny’s voice.
They sat, and Zach loaded his plate before she even had the chance to unfold her napkin.
“My mom makes a killer pot roast,” Zach said through a mouthful of food.
“Zach.” Alice shot him a look meant to remind him of his manners.
“Well, you do.” He swallowed before speaking, but wiped his mouth with h
is sleeve. His napkin was still folded beside his plate. She glared at him and he got the message, slinking down in his chair a little as he spread the cloth over his lap.
“I have to agree.” Johnny gave her a warm smile as he dug into the meal. “This is very good.”
Alice watched Johnny and Zach mirror each other’s movements. They were so much alike it was as if they were related. Neither of them liked to talk much while they were eating. The quieter they were, the more they enjoyed the food. They were both quiet tonight. She could tell Zach must have a zillion questions for Johnny, but he didn’t know where to start.
Johnny, too, seemed to have unanswered questions. He wasn’t all that talkative in the best of situations. When he was uncomfortable, or unsure of himself, he became even more withdrawn. It had driven her crazy when they were dating. Tonight, though, it gave her a chance to observe the two of them.
Zach looked so much like Johnny, she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it before. Denial was a powerful hallucinogen. Zach’s hair was lighter and a little longer, but she was seeing signs that it would someday darken to Johnny’s deep golden brown. Their expressions were similar, too. The crooked smile, the crinkle of the eyes when they were amused. Even their scowls were identical. But the eyes really stood out. Zach’s eyes were an exact copy of Johnny’s. A deep, dark, chocolate brown. The kind to make a girl go all gooey inside.
“You guys up for dessert?” Alice asked when they were getting close to the end of the meal. They’d talked a little bit about baseball. Johnny kept his humility. Didn’t do a lot of name dropping or making it seem too cool to have been on the same All-Star team as guys like Derek Jeter. He actually made it sound like any other job.
“No, thank you.” Johnny never had much of a sweet tooth.
“Um, maybe?” Zach cleaned his plate, having seconds of everything. “Do we have any ice cream?”
“You can help yourself.” Alice was starting to wonder if she could afford to go back to school. Zach was going to bankrupt her with his never-ending appetite.
“You sure you don’t want any, Johnny?” Zach asked, knowing she wouldn’t have any. She was more of the bite-sized dark chocolate kind of girl.
“No, thanks. I’m good.” Johnny reached for the glass of wine he’d barely touched.
“Yeah. The best.” Zach’s voice held a bit of awe. He smiled at Johnny before heading off to the kitchen.
“He’s really impressed.” Alice kept her voice low; she didn’t want to embarrass either of them. “He’s always looked up to you, you know.”
“Why is that?” Johnny asked. “Since I’ve always played on the other side of the country, how did he even know about me?”
“I’ve followed your career. Every step of the way.” Alice barely had time to explain before Zach returned with his ice cream. Three scoops. Covered with chocolate syrup. And sprinkles.
“Zach, that’s a little much.”
“I’m sure he’ll burn through those calories before he even finishes eating it.” Johnny laughed. “He’s built like I was at that age. It drove my mother crazy when I’d eat a whole week’s worth of groceries in one day.”
His mother. That was the first time she’d heard him mention her without a note of bitterness in his voice. Maybe he’d finally been able to forgive her for what she’d had to do just to get by.
“I don’t eat that much.” Zach shoveled ice cream into his mouth like he hadn’t eaten in days. “Just when I’m hungry.”
“Which seems to be all the time these days.” Alice shook her head, but couldn’t help but smile.
“So tell me something no one knows about you.” Zach gulped down another bite. “Something about your family or when you were a kid.”
“There’s not much to tell.” Johnny never did like being put on the spot. He especially didn’t like talking about his past. But then, why would he? His mother had been a prostitute in one of Nevada’s legal brothels and he’d never known who his father was.
“Did you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Nope. I’m an only child. Like you.”
“Pets?”
“No. Just my ball and my glove.”
“Did you ever name your glove?”
“No. I never did name my glove.” Johnny smiled and gave her a look that showed amusement and hope the questions would get less personal.
“I read somewhere that you lived with your coach in high school. Is that true?”
“Yes. I did.”
“Why?” Zach didn’t seem to notice he was being a pest.
“Coach Ryan was like a father to me. He was a huge influence on my game. And my life. I don’t think I would have made it to college or the majors if not for him.”
“Cool.” Zach seemed satisfied for the moment.
“It’s getting late, young man. And we have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow.” She took the opportunity to change the subject before Zach could ask any more questions. Questions she knew Johnny wouldn’t want to answer. About his mother’s profession. About her roommates who’d offered their services to Johnny, on the house. About why he couldn’t finish high school under the same roof as the woman who’d given birth to him.
“Yeah, I know. It’s just…” Zach glanced over at Johnny, like maybe he could help a fellow out. “There’s so much I want to ask Johnny and I know he’s not going to be around for very long.”
“I’ll be around.” Johnny gave him a quick smile. “You’ll see. Maybe we can play catch again tomorrow.”
“That would be awesome.” Zach jumped up, clearly excited about the prospect. “Maybe you could help me some more with my pitching.”
“I’d be more than happy to work with you.” He put a fatherly hand on his shoulder. “I think you’ve already got pretty good stuff.”
“Really?” Zach looked up at him with such admiration. No, awe.
“Really.” Johnny nodded. He meant it.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Zach’s excitement was evident in the way he practically skipped up the stairs.
“You have no idea how much this means to him.” Alice stood, suddenly aware that they were alone in the room. “He’s nervous about moving up to the big field this year. Some of the kids are so much bigger than him. He’s tall, but thin.”
“He’s got a good head for the game. His body will catch up. You’ll see.” Johnny was the voice of experience. “And I’ll be around.”
“Not for long. You’ve got six weeks of spring training. Then you’ll be on the road half the time.”
“But I’ll be here half the time too.” He moved closer, the heat from his body radiating in waves. “Look, if I’d known about Mel… No kid should have to grow up without a man in his life. I’d like to be there for Zach. If that’s okay with you.”
“Johnny, that’s…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “That would be wonderful.”
“I know my schedule won’t make it easy, but I want to be a part of his life.” He actually sounded excited. “It’s not the same as having his father here, but I’d like to think Mel would have stepped up if I’d had a son and couldn’t be there for him.”
He had no idea how Mel had stepped up.
* * * *
Damn. He liked the kid. A lot. It surprised him. But it also made it possible for him to accept their dinner invitation. It hadn’t been that bad. Considering the torture of sitting in the same room as Alice. In the house Mel had given her. With the child he’d given her.
But Mel wasn’t here anymore. Johnny was. Did that mean he could just forget what they’d done to him? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to forgive them. But knew he had to try.
For the kid’s sake.
“Can I help you with the dishes?” Johnny stood with his plate. Feeling awkward that he needed to even ask. There’d been a time when they worked as a team. They could read each other’s body language to find out what the other needed. He’d never had that kind of connection with anyone else.
“Thanks.” Alice gathered her dishes and Johnny helped with the rest. “I usually have Zach clear the table, but he really does need to get cracking on his homework.”
“He’s a great kid.” Johnny followed her into the kitchen.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve him.” She sighed. A dreamy, proud, awestruck kind of sigh. Stopping him from blurting out something about her having slept with his best friend.
“You’ve done a hell of a job with him.”
“I had a lot of help. Frannie was amazing, especially in those early years.” Alice let out another sigh. “And Mel Senior has been wonderful, too. He takes Zach golfing. And sailing. They both take him to museums and art galleries. Expose him to all that San Francisco has to offer.”
“That’s great.” Johnny helped her load the dishwasher. “How about your family? Do they spend a lot of time with Zach?”
“We spend some time up there every summer.” Alice rinsed the plate she’d already cleared off. “They’re not real close with him, like they are with my brother’s kids. But you know?”
Yeah. He knew. Alice had never been close with her parents. She’d been the reason they had to get married. They hadn’t exactly neglected her, but it seemed like they never fully appreciated her either.
“It’s a good thing he has one set of grandparents he’s close to.” Johnny didn’t have any. His family had consisted of him and his mother. And he hadn’t had much of a relationship with her growing up. She tried, but Johnny couldn’t get past the shame of her profession to feel especially close to her. It was out of guilt more than love that he bought her a house in Vegas as soon as he was able. He sent her money, made sure she was well taken care of, but he didn’t visit very often.
“Yes. It is a good thing.” Her hand shook a little, and the plate nearly slipped as she reached for the dishwasher.
Johnny rescued the dish, placing it carefully in the lower rack.
“Thank you.” She rested her hands on the counter, steadying herself.
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