After tidying up the kitchen and turning the oven on to preheat it for the lasagna I bought from the store, I venture back into my room. Glancing around, I take in the space. The fireplace is new and above it, there is a mantle with an old workshop box of mine I had built in middle school. Finding that odd that my mom would have put that there, I walk over to it and take it off the mantle, examining it. Cracking it open, I frown as I go and sit on the edge of the bed.
At the bottom of the box is my parents wedding bands, my papa’s a white gold band and my mother’s a pear-shaped opal with a rose gold band. My momma’s ring was so delicate and beautiful. The opal was surrounded by eighteen diamonds all ranging in sizes to encase the opal. I can’t imagine why they would have left their rings in this box. Gently setting the rings down next to me, I look back into the box and see that there, at the bottom of the box, is some loose paper. I grab the top one and immediately see my momma’s handwriting on the front. I was nervous to begin reading it.
My dearest Honeybee,
I have missed you so dearly. Your father and I are so proud of you and all that you have accomplished. Honey, our time is coming to an end, I fear. I want you to know that we have done everything we could to keep you out of this world and keep you safe. I am so sorry we failed you, sweetheart. I hope, in time, you can bring yourself to forgive us. I know that our end will mean your return. If you’re reading this, please try and keep your eyes on the horizon, Honeybee.
With all our love,
Mom and Dad
Tears were flowing freely down my face reading my momma’s letter. I missed her so much and the weight of her death hit so hard in this moment. I forced myself to look at the next letter that had my papa’s distinctive handwriting on it and braced myself for the next torrent of emotions.
My little Honey Dove,
We are giving you our wedding bands. You are my only daughter and I am so sorry that I won’t be able to walk you down the aisle on your beautiful wedding day. Your mother would love it if you wore her wedding ring when you’re ready. My ring, however, needs to go to a man that you absolutely love with all your heart. The kind of man that you know deep in your soul that you can’t live without. Find that man and I would be honored if he had my ring to signify your marriage.
I love you with all my heart, little Honey Dove.
Dad
It hurt that they were gone. It hurt that even though they knew their time was up, they thought of me and my future. They should have had a better life; they didn’t deserve the hand they were dealt. Wiping away the tears off my cheeks, I reach over and snatch up the half full glass of wine and gulp it down in one swig, feeling the warmth of alcohol settle in my battered soul. I was going to need a whole lot more to get through the first night here than I thought. Standing, I take my parents wedding bands and put them inside my purse in one of the inner pockets and then I fold the letters back up and put them in my suitcase in the front pocket so they wouldn’t get wrinkled.
A million thoughts running through my head about both their letters, I make my way back through to the kitchen and put my lasagna in the oven and fill my glass of wine. Standing at the kitchen island, I think back on their letters as I take rather large sips of wine. I decide to forgo the glass and just drink straight from the bottle. Good thing my parents had a wine cellar off of the den. I had a feeling I would need a lot to process tonight.
They had left their bands so that I could give my papa’s ring to my future husband and that damn near broke me. As a thirteen-year-old girl, I had thought I would spend the rest of my life with Silas. Now, as a twenty-three-year-old woman, I wasn’t sure marriage was even on my radar right now. If it weren’t going to be Silas, I doubt I would ever truly be able to move on. My heart and soul belonged to that man. Finley was a testament to that.
The washer beeps signifying it’s done washing the bedding so I move into the laundry room to switch it to the dryer. Coming back out, I glance over at the timer for the lasagna and decide to go take a nice hot bath while it cooks for the next hour. Making my way down the hall, I enter into my bedroom and move into the bathroom to start filling the basin. I stand for a moment looking out of the windows in the bathroom as I take sips of my wine. The sun is setting, casting a kaleidoscope of color into the space around me, reflecting off the copper accents all around. This cabin truly was a beautiful place, one I will cherish for the rest of my life, even long after I leave this place.
Stripping out of my clothes, I splash some honeysuckle scented bubble bath into the water and then pull my long auburn curls up into a messy bun on the top of my head. Going to stand before the mirror in the vanity, I take myself in. Against my peach toned skin, my avenging angel tattoo stands out. Black swirls that were meant to represent vines with thorns wove around the angel starting at the bottom of her feet and making its way up her body and around both outstretched wings. At the tip of each thorn on those vines is a scar. Each one reminds me of what I endured and the words on my body are to remind me that it would never happen again. Never to be forgotten.
I wasn’t sure if Silas and the boys even realized the extent of the injuries I suffered that night. I had spent a week in the hospital after Sam had found me on our doorstep. Several broken ribs, various deep cuts, and large bruises all over my upper body and arms. A fractured tibia, right collar bone, and right wrist and my left shoulder had been dislocated. When I left Crimson Valley, I had to spend weeks in physical therapy for my wrist and shoulder. To this day, I still have issues with it. My body was living proof to all I had endured. I wore my scars with pride and I went to bed at night reassured that I had made my body into the perfect weapon and I would never have to endure something like that again, especially at the hands of people who were supposed to care about me.
Sighing and shaking my head, I turn and step up to the basin, slipping into the water and enjoying the feeling of the scalding hot warmth seeping into my tired and weary bones. I pick up my wine bottle from the tile floor and lean back into the water until it is up to my shoulders before tipping the bottle back and taking a long swig. I picked up my phone and started up a playlist that I used to listen to all the time when I would study, soft soothing music. The last few weeks have been trying and full of unknowns and stress. I felt like, since coming back here, I haven’t even properly given myself a chance to grieve my parents. I was alone in our favorite place in the world and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.
I felt my eyes well up with tears and they began slipping down my face into the sweet, scented water as I started the slow process of drowning my sorrows. I didn’t do it often, but I felt like tonight was needed, especially after those letters. Keep your eyes on the horizon? What did that even mean? My beautiful parents were gone from this world and I had been too big of a coward to even step foot back in this miserable place to see them every once in a while. My brokenness had made it so that the last time I had seen my momma and papa, had been at the boarding gate when they had allowed me to leave and go far away from here. I foolishly let my parents believe during the last few years of their too short lives that I had blamed them for what was done to me all because I was too afraid to talk about it. Talking about it meant I would dredge up all those painful memories that led up to the betrayal and I just couldn’t do it.
Whether I like it or not, Silas Ezra King held the key to my goddamned heart and he had ever since that first kiss. I couldn’t just erase hundreds of fond memories between the two of us that span a lifetime. He cared about me. It had been clear then, and it was crystal clear now. I wasn’t sure what it was going to take to break down those ironclad barriers I had erected around my fragile heart all those years ago, but it would take something big on his part to crack it. Who even knows if I would fully trust him again after all of this is said and done? If the Red boys were serious on all their barely veiled promises to make up for the mistakes of their pasts, I couldn’t say that I didn’t look forward to seeing it play out. I wasn’t foolish
enough to admit I could take the Order down by myself. My trust issues were just playing a huge part in me letting go of the past and giving them an inch to help.
With each emotional pang that shoots right through me at thoughts of the Order, thoughts of Silas, and thoughts of my parents and the life I had lost along the way, I drank. I continued to drink until my bottle was empty and the water was cold. My body felt like I was on a cloud and my vision wasn’t any better. I was halfway to drunk, for sure. Rising slowly from the water, I grip the edge of the basin with one hand and reach for a towel with the other. The bath matts were missing from my bathroom so I threw the first towel I grabbed onto the floor before grabbing another that I wrap around myself as I step out of the tub on legs that feel like a slinky going down the stairs.
I burst out laughing at that inner thought and it rings out through the quiet cabin only to be interrupted by the loud buzzing of the timer on the oven for my food. Knowing I should probably eat something before I continue to drown myself in bottles of Château Pape Clément Red wine, I dry myself off and then tuck the towel back around me as I pad through back into my bedroom and down the hall into the kitchen. The lovely aroma of lasagna fills the space and my stomach growls as I move to the oven to take it out.
Placing it on the heat resistant island, I leave it to set and cool down while I go into the laundry room. I pull out the bedding from the dryer and make my way back down the hallway and into my bedroom. I throw the bedding on the bed and decide to go get dressed before I make the bed. I dressed myself in a soft pair of gray cotton shorts that hit above mid-thigh and an oversized Breaking Benjamin band t-shirt my papa had sent me a few years back when I had sent a letter to him about my dream of going on tour with the band. I obviously had zero musical talent whatsoever, but it was nice to dream. I half ass make the bed since I wasn’t picky and then I go back into the kitchen.
Grabbing out a fork from the drawer and another bottle of wine I had put in the fridge earlier, I sit down on one of the cowhide stools and pull the whole pan of lasagna towards me. Taking out my phone I had grabbed before leaving my bathroom to come back in here, I begin to scroll through it while I eat straight from the pan. Frowning, I notice going through my messages I have one from Hawk. Having not remembered putting his number in my phone, I open the message and read through it.
Hawk: You’re probably wondering how the hell I got your number. Gabe did a little snooping and thought it might be best if you have our numbers so he may have hacked your phone and put our numbers in. I just wanted to text to give you a fair warning.
What the fuck? Dropping my fork, my thumbs begin to move over the screen as irritation clouds my better judgement and then I pause. Was it really wise to interact with the Reds right now when I was obviously over halfway drunk? Probably not. Deleting the partial message to Hawk, I sigh and place my phone down on the island and pick my fork back up. I take a bite, then take a sip of wine from the new bottle I just opened. I repeated this until I was about a quarter of the way done with the nine-by-nine pan and my second bottle was over halfway gone.
Alcohol clouding my brain, I decided to pick up my phone and send a text back anyway even though I literally just talked myself down from that ledge. Clearly, I have no self-control when it comes to my anger at the Reds for overstepping yet another line.
Honey: I hate all of you.
It was a partial lie. I didn’t hate them as much as I wanted too. Those wicked men had begun to worm their way back into my life and I have done all I can to keep my distance. Silas was the only one out of the three of them that has actually kept his word for the most part. I asked him for time and space, and he gave me that and more. He doesn’t practically stalk me anymore. When we see each other in public, he just smiles and carries on with his business, basically ignoring my existence. It was irritating to say the least and my stupid heart didn’t understand that this was the man that ripped it in half to begin with. My phone buzzed on the island as I was finishing putting the covered leftovers in the fridge and I grabbed it to read Hawks' reply.
Hawk: We love you too, Honey!
He adds a million annoying kissy face emojis and I feel my temper spike. Stupid fucking boys. Stupid fucking heart for swooning at that. I hated myself sometimes for the weaknesses I had around the Reds. There were so many emotions warring inside of me as memories assaulted my alcohol blurred brain. Tucking my phone into my pocket, and refusing to reply, I snatch up my bottle and make my way into the den. The trophy case off to the side catches my attention and I move to it, taking sips of my wine as I go, feeling my brain begin to fog even more. Coming to stand in front of it, I look at all the awards and trophies papa has displayed for me. All through the years, every single one I had ever won was in there. From participation awards in gym to a photocopy of the picture I sent that a photographer took at my graduation from UT holding my diploma with my Masters in Physics and Astrophysics on it.
The emotion that picture brought me only drove me to drink more. My parents had wanted to go. To see me walk across that stage, but I had refused. I couldn’t have anyone from the Order following to find out where I was. I hadn’t been ready to face the demons of my past and I didn’t want those fears to taint one of the only good things I had done so I had told them to stay home. They had watched the livestream of the ceremony, but it still ate away at me that I hadn’t been a better daughter for them, especially when they loved me so dearly. I regret that I hadn’t been stronger, for them.
Glancing down through tear filled eyes, I notice two cabinets beneath the massive glass case. Setting my wine down on a nearby end table by the sofa, I slipped to my knees and opened up the cabinet doors. Inside were two boxes, one marked Honey K-College the other marked Baby. I pull out the ‘Baby’ box first and take off the top that was full of dust and peered inside. It was full of items I had cherished as a baby along with a huge photo album. I picked up a small stuffed bunny that I must have dragged everywhere, considering its condition. It made me smile that they kept it. I picked up the photo album next and opened it to find an ultrasound picture and underneath it the caption read, “The day we first saw our little Honey Rose” I flipped the page and saw a picture of the three of us right after I was born. My parents looked so unbelievably happy. I sighed heavily, I missed them so much. I took another sip of my wine and set the album back into its box.
Moving on, I grabbed the other box and opened it up. I let out a small gasp as I saw what was sitting on top of the huge photo album. It was a small, silver glass pendant, about the size of a silver dollar, with a rose that had been pressed inside. It had been a gift to me on my tenth birthday from Silas. He had come to my house and asked my papa for permission to take me on a walk to the lake. I was so excited. Silas had just confessed that he liked me a few days before and I was over the moon about it. I came home and practically leapt into my momma’s arms and giggled, “Silas King said he likes me!” She had laughed, a laugh that was so infectious, and said she was so happy for me and that she was glad that I had Silas in my life. I smiled fondly at the pendant and gently set it down and peered back into the box.
There were some birthday cards from people I vaguely remember and then the photo album. I set it down in my lap and flipped the cover open. Mom and I were sitting on the front steps of Locke Manor, with two huge brilliant burning bushes flanking us. My momma looked so proud of me, who had on a small little red backpack and a sign that said, “First Day of Kindergarten” I was smiling and looked so excited. I flipped a couple of pages and found another picture that drew my attention. I was standing on a huge rock like the queen of the world and, I must have been about seven or so, attempting to climb up the rock to where I was standing was a young Hawk. He looked so carefree and happy. Beneath the photograph read, “Honey and Hawk, battling for the Rock Kingdom” I laughed quietly at that and remembered it fondly. Hawk always was incredibly competitive whenever we played. He never won with me, but I think in the end that’s what always made
me think of him and cherish him as a brother.
I missed how easy everything was then. I missed how naturally our friendship came. How easily our love for one another was given and received. I took another huge gulp of my wine and felt tears forming. I blinked them away rapidly and shook my head. I can do this, I thought, I can look through this and remember my friends. Determined to make it through the rest of this entire box I flipped the page. The next picture was of the five of us. We were sitting in front of the large cobblestone fireplace in Locke Manor, cheeks all rosy and laughing while holding mugs filled to the brim with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows. I remembered that day fondly. It was the aftermath of the first big snowstorm and the boys came over to build a snow fort and have a snowball fight. Gabe challenged everyone to a free for all, but Silas spoke up and said he wanted to do teams and that it was going to be me and him against Gabe, Hawk, and Kass. To their credit, the three held out for a long time, but in the end Silas and I were victorious. After we were declared the winners we all went inside, covered in snow, and sat by the fire where my momma brought us all hot chocolate.
Whiskey & Honey: Crimes of Crimson Valley: Book One Page 17