It seemed so unfair.
They had tried for years to conceive a child, but it had never happened until this unexpected little miracle came along. They had been to fertility specialists and tried everything possible for success, but to no avail. They had even started thinking about adoption, they had wanted a child so much.
Then literally the day she finds out that she’s pregnant, Daniel dies.
So unfair.
Megan picked up the thick photo album from the coffee table and began thumbing through it. The album had become her most prized possession since Daniel’s passing and she found herself picking it up no less than a half dozen times every evening. She reached the section she referred to as “the old self-timer sessions” and studied the photos. Ever since they had begun dating in the tenth grade, she had always brought her 35mm Nikon along in case there was something cool to photograph. She had become an ardent photographer after taking a photo class and enjoyed chronicling things as they happened.
One Sunday afternoon, she and Daniel had driven out to the Point to drink. After taking a few quick shots of Daniel chugging his beer, she had set up her camera on a rock and composed a shot with Daniel on the left side of the frame and enough room to the right for her to sit down beside him. After engaging the self-timer, she ran over and plopped down next to him and gave him a big kiss just as the shutter clicked. Afterwards, they had cracked up and proceeded to take more shots using the self-timer, each time posing themselves in more and more provocative situations. The resulting series of photos from the session was absolutely priceless.
She continued thumbing through the album, feeling a dull mixture of joy and sorrow. Many of the highlights of their lives together had been captured on film, displayed and chronicled here like an ongoing saga with its many textures and layers. She and Daniel had been inseparable for the past ten years and these photos were a testament of their love and devotion to one another.
She flipped through the shots taken during her college days, while she was going to classes and Daniel worked. He had been so supportive of her! She knew he was envious that he wasn’t attending college as well, but he tried to keep it to himself. Daniel was a realist and knew that college simply wasn’t for him. He had a job with great promise and enjoyed what he did. So why waste the time and money?
Daniel had been a bit of an enigma. On one hand, he was a techno-geek whose job had been programming computer software. But there was another side of him that seemed out of sync with his love for technology and computers: his love of nature. When he was not on the computer, he was out in the woods on nature walks, exploring new plant and animal species. Many were the times they had taken day trips to state parks, enjoying what he referred to as “our sadly waning natural resources.” Daniel had since taken up photography himself, and had eventually become an excellent wildlife photographer.
As she examined some of his wildlife photos, Megan recalled how Daniel seemed to be living in the wrong generation. He would have made a great student activist in the sixties, she often thought, because of his strong feelings about human rights and the need to conserve our natural resources. He also hated most of the music that was popular at the time, preferring to listen to his favorites: the Beatles and other classic rock bands of the sixties and seventies. Megan had found herself sharing most of Daniel’s views on things, right down to the music. They had in essence become a single entity through the years—virtual mirrors of one another spiritually.
She began looking through their wedding pictures, paying close attention to their expressions, and how absolutely ecstatic they had been. What a day that had been! Truly the best day of her life.
She flipped over to the last photo in the album. It was a shot of the two of them sitting together, taken with the self-timer. One night before going to bed, they had been discussing their failed attempts at getting pregnant. She had decided to lighten things up by stuffing a pillow in under her nightie and pretending to be pregnant. Daniel had immediately set up the camera, run over to the bed and placed his hand on her swollen “belly.” The two of them then hammed it up for the photo. It was hilarious! Afterwards, they had made love. But this time they focused on simply enjoying it—not dwelling on making the impossible seem possible.
Since Daniel’s death, Megan had convinced herself that this was the night she had conceived.
She continued staring at the photo until she could take it no more. She closed the album and placed it back on the coffee table.
With a long sigh, she lay back on the sofa and resumed staring at the fire. It was Thursday, December 22nd, and tomorrow was the last workday before Christmas. There were plans for a holiday get-together at Applebee’s after the office closed and she had so far not committed herself either way. She had had no social life since Daniel’s death, nor had she had any desire to socialize. Even when her parents had invited her down to Smithtown for Christmas, she had turned them down. Although she felt guilty about it, she just didn’t think she would make a very good guest. Her decision had broken her mother’s heart.
Her family was also upset by her decision to stay in Columbus instead of moving back to Smithtown. They didn’t seem to understand that this was still her home, with or without Daniel, and that her work was here as well. “But what about the baby?” they wanted to know. She told them that she would be just fine where she was, and if anything changed as time went by she would let them know.
She felt awful about being so self-centered, but she just couldn’t snap out of this funk. Stephanie, her best friend, had been relentless in her attempts to get her to go out for dinner or a movie for a change. The girl had called her literally every day for the past week, checking on her and trying to cheer her up. But each time, she had turned her down, promising her that one day she would accept her offer.
And then there had been the continuing Gary Jamison saga to make things even murkier. The company big shot’s actions had left her so baffled and confused that she didn’t know which end was up. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, the guy had actually seemed genuinely sympathetic and supportive since Daniel’s death.
After he had learned about the tragedy, Gary had left a very sweet voicemail on her cellphone expressing his condolences for her loss and his regret that he had never had the opportunity to meet her husband. Then he had gone on to apologize for being such a “mindless jerk” and harassing her all those times. He ended the message by saying that he couldn’t blame her if she never forgave him, but that he was there for her if she ever needed anything at all.
Megan’s first impression, of course, had been that this was all complete and utter bullshit. The guy just felt sorry for her and was trying to make up for being an asshole in her time of sorrow. He would no doubt go back to his relentless badgering after things settled down, just wait and see. But when the lovely flowers had arrived at the office the next day, she had started thinking that maybe he was being sincere after all. Receiving those flowers had been the first thing that had made her smile since her husband’s death, in fact. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because she felt that there might still be some hope for the world after all, if a jerk like Gary Jamison could actually change his ways.
At any rate, she had not called Gary to thank him for the flowers for two reasons. One, she was still leery of the man, despite his apparent turnaround, and did not want to do anything that might encourage him in any way. Two, the last thing she wanted or needed in her life was excess baggage like a dead-end relationship of any kind with another man. She did not want Gary Jamison as a friend, nor cared whether he had turned over a new leaf or not. It meant nothing to her. The love of her life had just died and she would one day have their child to raise. This was her fate. End of story.
Her thoughts returned to the office party the next day. She was not going to go. She would not enjoy herself and it was a complete waste of time.
Having made that decision, she suddenly felt a little better. She was just going to have to do what
ever was needed to make her existence as simple and uncluttered as earthly possible, she thought. Take everything slow and easy. The last thing she wanted was to jeopardize her baby in any way, and stress was definitely not a good thing.
If only she could get over this incredible sadness, she would be okay. But how does one do that, God? How am I to forsake that which my whole life revolved around? Daniel was my being, my entire existence. How can I be expected to just toss that all aside like an old sock and act like it never happened?
The answer was clear: she couldn’t do it. Nor would she even try.
She wanted a drink so bad it hurt. She knew that she couldn’t drink for the baby’s sake and she had already vowed not to have even a sip. But it wasn’t going to be easy.
She decided to listen to some music to try and mellow out. She picked up her iPhone, plugged in the ear buds and chose a song from the Beatle’s Abbey Road. Then she stretched out on the sofa and closed her eyes.
She fell asleep until a phone call woke her up.
She saw from the caller ID that it was Gary Jamison. She did not want to talk to him so she let the call go over to voicemail. She waited for a few minutes then played back the message.
“Hi, Megan, it’s Gary. I didn’t expect you to answer this and I won’t keep you. I just wondered if you got the flowers I sent you a couple of days ago? I’m assuming that you did, and I didn’t expect any thanks for them so don’t worry about that. I just wanted to do something that might brighten up your day a bit, if only for a moment. Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Take care, Megan. And I hope you’re feeling better. Happy Holidays.”
Megan replayed the message, listening closely to everything Gary said. She wanted to convince herself that it sounded fake or insincere, but it didn’t. He was clearly sending her a guilt trip, however, and that ticked her off. A little, anyway. She had to admit that she should have at least sent him an email to thank him for the flowers but she hadn’t done a thing. It was rude, and so unlike her.
But on the other hand, she needed to protect herself. She had not forgotten how Gary Jamison had harassed her relentlessly up until Daniel’s death, trying to get her to go out with him despite her telling him that she wasn’t interested. And then his big threat to make her lose her job; that had been the last straw.
What he had said and done was inexcusable and now he was simply trying to get her to soften up to him while she was vulnerable. Well, it wasn’t going to work. She wished he would just leave her alone.
She checked the time and realized that she had dozed off for nearly an hour. She decided to go to bed and try to read for a while before turning in for the night.
The next morning, Megan awoke feeling well rested for the first time in weeks. She fixed herself a cup of coffee and skimmed over the front page of the morning paper at the kitchen table while waiting for her toast to pop up. She ate a quick breakfast of toast and orange juice before taking a long, hot shower.
While getting dressed for work, she had her usual morning cry over Daniel. It always happened some time in the morning, out of the clear blue. She would be in the middle of doing something when all of a sudden a total wave of despair would come over her full tilt and literally incapacitate her.
She plopped down on the bed and sobbed for ten minutes. She recalled how Daniel would always be the first up in the morning making the coffee and milling around the kitchen. Then he would bring her a cup of coffee and set it on the nightstand, give her a peck on the cheek and cheerfully tell her that a brand new day awaited her. She would sit up and take a sip, thank him and realize that she was luckiest woman in the world to have such a doting husband that loved her so much.
Those mornings were gone forever, she thought.
Forcing herself up off the bed, she resumed dressing and tried to think of something that might cheer her up. And of course the baby immediately came to mind. She stood in front of the mirror in profile, wondering when she would begin to show. Was it her imagination, or was there the beginning of a little bump going on there? She smiled to herself, aware of how absurd that notion was.
When she had announced to her parents that she was pregnant, they had gone absolutely bonkers. At first, she was so happy to share the joy of that fact with them, for they knew how long she and Daniel had been trying to get pregnant. But her moment of joy was short lived when she thought of how Daniel should have been there along with her giving them the happy news. Instead, she was going to be the mother of a fatherless child, and it broke her heart. Her parents had tried to act as though this wasn’t even an issue, but the vibe was still there.
She finished dressing and went downstairs to fill her travel mug with coffee before heading off to work. It had been snowing and there were a couple of inches already on the ground. She started up the Mini Cooper, turned the heater on full blast and cleared off the windshield.
On her way to the office, she played the radio and sipped her coffee, dreading the pressure she would be under today to go to the office party afterwards. Nicole would be the worst of all, insisting that she at least go for a little while just to try and have some fun for a change. Nicole was the pushiest person she had ever known and it was next to impossible for her to take no for an answer. But, God love her, she was just trying to cheer her up so she couldn’t really be angry with her.
Maybe it wouldn’t kill her to go just for a little while, she thought. Then she could simply take off early and be done with it. She could finally quit worrying about all of this for the rest of the day.
Okay, I’ll go.
When she arrived at the office, she headed straight over to her desk and looked over her list of things to do for the day. She was always one of the first to arrive in the morning and the only other employee there was her boss, Michael Bower. As if on cue, he came out of his office and walked directly over to her.
“Morning, Megan,” he greeted cheerfully.
“Good morning, Michael.”
“Any trouble with the traffic? It didn’t look like the salt trucks had even been out when I came in.”
“No problems on the freeway, but the side streets are awful.”
“How does that little car of yours do in the snow, anyway?”
“Really well, actually.”
“That’s good to know. Well, I’m hoping that we can clear out of here fairly early today. The good news is that it’s supposed to snow all morning, so everybody will be leaving work anyway before it gets too bad. You going to Applebee’s with the rest of us?”
“Yeah, I think so. But I probably won’t stay long.”
“I’m just happy you’re going to make it—good for you! Are you going down to Smithtown for Christmas with your family?”
“I, uh, am not sure about that, yet.”
“I know it’s none of my business, I was just curious. Well, I wish you a happy holiday no matter what you do, Megan.”
“Thanks, Michael. Same to you.”
As he walked away, Megan heaved a sigh of relief. Michael Bower was a pretty good guy, as bosses go, but he had the personality of a flea. And his attempt to make small talk was about as laughable as it was annoying. She had wanted to scream when he asked her about going to Smithtown for Christmas—he had no right to ask her that. Especially since everybody else in the office already knew that she wasn’t going.
Oh well, she thought. Life goes on.
As it turned out, the Columbus office of Manco Corp closed the office doors at around lunchtime. Because of the ongoing winter storm and the road conditions, everybody agreed to forego the Christmas get-together so that everybody could arrive home safely. As she drove home in the driving snow, Megan couldn’t have been happier with how the day had turned out.
Chapter 15
-Then-
When she awoke the next morning, Megan was happy that she had at least made it through another workweek. She got out of bed and peeked out the window to see six inches of freshly fallen snow.
After breakfast, s
he found the snow shovel in the garage and spent the next hour clearing the driveway and the sidewalk. She actually enjoyed the work because it more or less took her mind off of things—at least for a little while. After she finished, she went inside, made a cup of hot cocoa, fired up the fireplace and stretched out on the family room sofa.
She turned on the television and found Miracle on Thirty-Fourth Street playing on one of the channels. She began watching it, reminiscing how her family had always made a point to watch the Christmas classic while she was growing up.
Halfway through the movie she was in tears. Here she was sitting alone in her empty house, her husband dead, pregnant with his child, and not a soul to talk to. A little over two weeks ago, she had been on top of the world, looking forward to spending Christmas with Daniel and celebrating the absolute joy of becoming parents. She had been a totally different person back then: happy, vibrant, outgoing and absolutely ecstatic with how wonderful life was. The future looked brighter than ever and nothing in the world could bring her down.
Or so she had thought.
Now it was all over. The person she used to be no longer existed. She was angry, bitter, with no desire to do anything other than have her child. She could not see herself ever wanting to be with another man or chumming around with the few friends she had. She didn’t even want to spend the holidays with her family. She was nothing more than a barren landscape of a person. With a baby inside.
She sobbed for a full twenty minutes, detached from everything around her. She stared past the television to the wall, focused on nothing in particular. She convinced herself that her life was essentially over, save for bringing another life into the world. Until that happened, she would simply go through the motions of existing; working her job and keeping her house neat and tidy. Nothing on God’s green earth would ever get her out of this funk. She knew that for certain now, and decided she may as well just accept it. Period.
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