Sit Down Shut Up And Pull The Trigger_A Supernatural Action Adventure Opera

by Michael Todd

  Did I say “whatever?” I meant “whoever.” But we are still a damn caged rat, Pandora grumped. We could take them.

  Be quiet, Katie replied. I’m too busy for this.

  Whatever, Pandora said, going quiet.

  Katie focused back in on the group, feeling dread in the pit of her stomach. She might love her new family, but Pandora was right, in a way.

  She had no choice in the matter. She was pretty much a caged rat.

  2

  Because donuts are fucking delicious, that’s why, Pandora said angrily. And this is supposed to be a “me” day. You got yesterday…and the day before that…and the day before that.

  Yeah, and you know why? Katie shot back. Because it’s my goddamned body!

  No, it is now our goddamned body, she argued. Have you forgotten that regardless of whether you like it, you have to share it with me? Have you forgotten that I am a big part of the reason you still have a body that breathes? Hmmm?

  You are being unreasonable, Katie replied. Sure, you have to be in there. You have no choice and neither do I, but for God’s sake, you do not get to claim a day of the week from me. My physical body is the only thing I have to hold on to, and I am not going to let you ruin it with fat and cholesterol. It won’t be good for either of us if I die of a damn stroke.

  You won’t die of a stroke. Pandora scoffed. Maybe a claw through the chest, but I take care of everything else. With my powers, there is no reason that you can’t hand your stomach over to me every once in a while. I mean, ninety-nine percent of the women on this planet would kill for someone inside them who could get rid of fat and let them eat anything they wanted in the process. Most women would have run out and bought every piece of junk food on the market.

  Yes, well, I am not “most women,” now am I? Katie replied. I have a little bit more self-respect than to sit at some donut shop and eat them out of stock. Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, that was fucking embarrassing? No you didn’t, because you don’t have to watch mothers cover their children’s eyes as they lead them past me, or the snide looks from men walking past. You just sit there drowning in your godforsaken sprinkles.

  I don’t really like the sprinkled ones, Pandora admitted. I didn’t want to tell you and upset the apple cart.

  Katie sighed. You are impossible.

  Well, Pandora said, sniffing around. How about the soaps, then? They won’t make you fat.

  Just then there was a knock on Katie’s door—she had left it open to let the air in instead of being closed up in there like a cave—and she turned and smiled at Eric. He was watching her curiously, obviously understanding that she was having an argument with her demon.

  “Hey.” Katie smiled. “What’s up?”

  “I thought I would come and see if you wanted to watch a couple episodes of Days of Long Since Past?” he asked with a half-grin.

  Yes, yes, yes, Pandora squealed. I love that show, and we are SO behind.

  You bitch, Katie said. You did that. I don’t know how, but you set that up.

  Okay, I am capable of a lot of things, but mind control is sadly not one of them, Pandora told her. If I could control minds, don’t you think all the men in this house would be dancing around us naked right now? I mean, even the priest. I bet he has a tight body under that trench coat. Hell, he probably even has a big—

  Stop, Katie said. Please God, don’t say another word. If I go watch the soaps, will you drop whatever disgusting thing you were going to say next?

  I accept your compromise, Pandora agreed. See? That wasn’t so bad.

  “Yeah, sure!” Katie said, smiling at Eric.

  She put down her book and followed Eric out of the room, just glad that Pandora had stopped talking.

  The demon knew exactly how to get her way because to Katie, watching a few soaps was a hell of a lot better than having a picture of a naked Damian floating around in her head. She was either going to have to start just giving in at the beginning, or get used to the vulgar porno that Pandora would constantly send through her brain. It was a no-win situation for her, but a win every time for Pandora. She figured there were probably worse things she’d agreed to than having to watch her favorite soap with her teammate.

  At least her demon was helpful when she was really needed.

  When they got out to the main area, Katie walked into the kitchen and made some popcorn—this time without the sugar on it. She wondered if Pandora was going to protest but she didn’t, which was good because Katie was ready to cancel the whole thing. When the popcorn was done, she walked back out to the main area to find Jeremy had joined the party.

  “Oh, hey.” Katie smiled. “You turn into a soap opera addict like the rest of us?”

  “No,” Jeremy said unconvincingly. “I just really wanted to know what happened with Old Man Alvers, that’s all.”

  “Mmmhmm,” Katie said, handing him the popcorn. “Personally, I think they are going to kill him off.”

  “I don’t,” Eric said. “I think they’re going to hook him up with one of the younger girls as like a sugar daddy thing. There are plenty of gold-diggers in that bunch.”

  “Ew.” Katie shivered. “That is gross. I think the man has passed his prime on daytime television. He was on Around the World for like thirty years, or something insane. He needs to let it go. He is now the crazy old man on the show, and that is always a death sentence for these guys.”

  “Maybe it’s just because he’s a crazy old man in real life.” Eric laughed. “I saw a picture of him at the Daytime Television awards. He was wearing a red and gold pinstriped suit, and had a twenty-year-old on his arm. But not some blonde bimbo…she was maybe twenty, and looked like she had been in his basement since she was twelve.”

  “Oh, God,” Jeremy and Katie groaned in unison, wincing and laughing at the same time.

  “That is terrible,” Katie exclaimed, choking on her popcorn. “Like seriously terrible.”

  “Oh, shush.” Eric sat up in his chair. “It’s coming on.”

  Everyone stopped and stared at the screen, excited to watch the show. Katie actually started to relax, and figured it wasn’t a half-bad way to spend her afternoon. She really wanted to be productive, but “productive” just didn’t seem to be in her vocabulary lately.

  She had been kind of aloof since LA. She wasn’t alone, though—Calvin had been the same way, only a little livelier in personality…not that Katie had been all that bubbly to begin with.

  Either way, she was enjoying herself right now, and she needed to learn to not feel bad about that.

  No matter what was going on in the world around them.

  They sat there and watched four hours’ worth of soap operas. Pandora was thrilled, but when the last one was over Katie was more than ready to get something to eat.

  She stood up, stretched, and yawned, looking around the room.

  The guys had ordered pizza. “Well, guys, as much as I enjoy spending culinary time with you, I really can’t do the pizza thing again. I’m going to get some real food.”

  “Pizza is in the food pyramid,” Calvin commented through a full mouth from the table.

  “Yeah,” Eric added. “And the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ate it all the time, so it can’t be that bad, right?”

  “Yeah, no. I won’t base my nutritional intake on four mutant turtles.” Katie shrugged.

  “They were heroes,” Jeremy yelled.

  “Yeah, and so am I,” Katie retorted. “For walking away from the third straight night of pizza.” She waved with her fingers. “Have fun, guys. I will see you later.”

  “Your loss.” Calvin shrugged, then pointed to one of the boxes. “Hand that shit here, since she isn’t grabbing any.”

  Katie shook her head and went to her room to change her clothes.

  She knew where she wanted to go but she didn’t want to get Pandora too excited, so she stayed quiet.

  When she was dressed—with make-up and everything—she headed down the elevator and o
ut the front doors. She wanted to check on Joshua before she left for the night.

  As she stepped out into the warm air, a familiar voice greeted her.

  “Beautiful Katie,” Mamacita said. “Where are you going, all dolled up?”

  “I’m taking myself to dinner.” She smiled. “You look fantastic as well in that executive-level suit. I barely even recognized you.”

  Mamacita smirked. “You have to look professional before you can be professional.”

  “I was just going in to check on Joshua,” Katie replied.

  “Oh, he’s fine.” She looked at the shop and then returned her gaze to Katie. “He is getting used to the new room they built him to sleep in. He likes it, although I can’t seem to keep him off the forge.”

  “I won’t complain.”

  “He was just getting ready to call it a day when I came out to get something from the car.” Mamacita pointed to her vehicle.

  “Oh. Well, I’ll just leave him alone then. I know how nervous he gets when I come in.”

  “He does, but only because he wants to make you happy,” Mamacita replied.

  “Right.” Katie chewed on her lip a moment. “Oh, and I’d like to thank you for straightening out the orders and everything else here with the business.”

  “Not a problem.” She nodded. “It’s something I’ve become good at over time. I wasn’t always well-to-do. I started from nothing.”

  “I appreciate you using your skills for us. Well, you have a great night.” Katie sighed. “I’m gonna hit the road.”

  “Be careful out there.” She waved to Katie.

  Katie waved back, noticing Korbin heading toward Joshua’s building. She thought it was strange that he was going back over, but figured he had something pressing he had to get off his mind before he could call it a day…or whatever Korbin did when everyone else finished their day. She shrugged, figuring there was no reason to even think about it. Korbin did what he did, and always for a reason.

  He has no idea who he is messing with. Pandora snickered. I give him a month, only because he’s hard-headed.

  Wait, what? Katie replied, looking around. Okay, what the hell is going on?

  Seriously, this place is like its own soap opera, Pandora replied.

  A paranormal soap opera? Katie corrected.

  Yeah, that, Pandora agreed.

  So, you aren’t going to tell me?

  You’ll figure it out eventually. Pandora giggled. Now let’s go to dinner. I’m freaking starving, and I think going to Bootlegger is a perfect idea.

  How did you…

  I’m in your head, remember? Pandora pointed out. And now that I know, you can’t take it back. I already have a hankering for ravioli and steak.

  I decided on it for you anyway. Katie sighed. Figured you were right; you deserve a day here and there to eat what you want.

  Aw, she really does care, Pandora cooed.

  BUT! I am not getting as much as last time, and you cannot have one day every week, Katie warned. And you better turn it into muscle—and muscle I can actually use.

  Why would I ever betray your trust when you are feeding me delicious food?

  Were you like this when you were here outside of a body? Katie asked, climbing into the SUV. I mean, were you obsessed with food?

  It has been a long time since I walked on this plane, Pandora explained. Last time I was here, there was no food like this. I mean, there were restaurants, but they were dusty, and no one ever cooked food like that.

  That’s right, that’s why you used that Italian woman, Katie said, rolling her eyes. I guess it would be exciting if you had never experienced it before, but still… You have got to go easy on me tonight.

  Katie drove out of the garage in the huge SUV and turned down the sand-covered drive to the main highway.

  She sighed as she drove along, thinking about her tiny Altima from college. She missed having a car, and definitely missed the freedom of going anywhere she wanted to, even though she rarely did that.

  Knowing that she had wasted all that time in college when she could have been seeing the world made her mad, but at the same time, had she done that she wouldn’t have ended up where she was. She wasn’t sure what was worse: being a broke wandering hippy, or being a badass demon slayer.

  Both had their negatives, but she could see a few positives to her place in Korbin’s Killers for the first time since she had arrived.

  At least she hadn’t ended up with a lazy-ass demon like some of the others—though she was jealous of the fact that there was quiet in their lives.

  You have quiet too! Pandora exclaimed.

  God, get out of my head. Katie groaned. Can I not be alone in here for five minutes?

  Hey, it’s not like I enjoy being in here with all your melodrama and “woe is me” bullshit, she said. But you’re fucking loud, and I can’t tune it out.

  Well, sorry, but there is nothing I can do about that, Katie said. Just be glad you aren’t in the priest’s head.

  Oh, lord…the prayers, Pandora griped. I would definitely beg for exorcism. Even torture would be better than hearing prayers all day every day.

  See, things could be worse! Katie replied. Shut up about my thoughts, for God’s sake. I’m just glad I don’t have to hear yours.

  You would exorcise yourself, Pandora quipped.

  Katie pulled up to Bootlegger and parked the car.

  Then she sat there for a moment thinking about what she was about to get herself into. Surely, they thought she was a freak for eating all that food, but that didn’t bother her as much as her lack of self-control when Pandora got rid of the full feeling.

  All right, we’re here. Katie sighed. Remember what I said…we are not gorging ourselves like last time.

  Mmmhmm, Pandora agreed, her insubstantial fingers crossed behind her back.

  I mean it! Katie put her foot down…metaphorically.

  The only problem was, Pandora didn’t give a shit.

  3

  Damian whistled as he walked down the hall with his hands in his pockets.

  He had some sermons to take care of and some praying to do, then some business to take care of. He wasn’t in any rush, though. It was the weekend; the house was quiet, the sun was shining, and he had been listening to Tony Bennett in his room all morning while getting ready.

  It was one of those days where he couldn’t seriously put a lot of effort into anything, but that was okay. He was ready to relax a bit.

  As he passed Katie’s room, he smiled and stopped for a moment when he again heard moaning coming from the other side of the door.

  He reached up to knock but stopped short, thinking about the last time he had heard her in there.

  This was the same exact miserable moan as before.

  He put his hand back in his pocket and turned to walk away, then stopped again. He laughed to himself, picturing her in there with a huge stomach, rolling around on the bed in misery. She didn’t seem to learn her lessons very well, and it made him wonder what she had been like as a kid.

  He bet she had stuck her hand on the stove at least twice when she was little. He shook his head and turned back to the door, reaching up and knocking lightly on it. He stood back and waited for her to answer, but all he heard was a loud groan.

  He laughed again, but covered his mouth with his fist to stifle the sound.

  “Did you go out to eat last night?” he yelled through the door.

  He already knew the answer, and he could guess where she had gone since she had announced she was leaving before she went. He couldn’t help but tease her, though.

  Anyone who would do that to herself twice deserved for him to pick at her at least a little bit. He felt like Katie was a little sister, and what did big brothers do best?

  They picked on their little sisters, and tormented them until they were completely embarrassed. He was definitely up to that.

  “Bootlegger…” she groaned in response. “You fuckers…”

  Da
mian laughed loudly when he heard more moans.

  He had been spot-on. He stood there for a moment, contemplating what to say next. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and spoke loudly.

  ‘I’ll come back later. I don’t need to see what a beached whale looks like a second time.”

  He jumped slightly when something heavy hit the door and snickered, knowing she had picked up whatever was closest and thrown it.

  He walked away, knowing that he had tormented her enough, and went into the living room. Eric was the only one there. “Hey, Eric.”

  Eric smiled. “Hey. Is Katie up?”

  “Uh, yeah, but I think you probably would do better leaving her alone for now.” Damian chuckled.

  “Why?” Eric asked, confused.

  “She ate an entire cow last night. She won’t be rolling out for a while.”

  “All right,” Eric said slowly. “It doesn’t seem like she is going to learn her lesson.”

  “No, no I don’t think she will.”

  “What are you doing today?” Eric asked.

  “Just enjoying the day.” Damian wiped a hand over his chin. “I think I’ll go for a walk.”

  “Okay,” Eric said, furrowing his brow. “I still can’t get past how weird everyone is here.”

  “Get used to it. It only gets stranger.” Damian turned toward the stairs and waved over his shoulder.

  Eric watched Damian disappear down the stairs, sighing as the door shut behind him. He was the only one left, and he wasn’t sure what to do with his free time.

  He was still used to the outside world, but his free time there had been only half-free. He shrugged his shoulders and got up from the chair, walking toward Katie’s room.

  How bad could it be, right? He figured Damian had overplayed her distress. He went to her door and knocked, then stood back and waited for her friendly hello.

  All he heard was a loud bang on the door, and her groaning like a monster inside. Eric jumped back and looked around before taking off down the hall back to the living room.