Derailed

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kelly literally skipped out of her house the morning I went to pick her up to go bridesmaid dress shopping. She jumped in the car with a huge grin, glowing with excitement.

  “Are you ready? I can’t wait.”

  “If you are this excited for bridesmaid dresses, I can’t imagine what you were like looking for your own dress.”

  “I didn’t shop for one. I’m having my mom’s updated.”

  “Really? That’s so cool. Your mom must be thrilled.”

  Kelly laughed. “Thrilled is an understatement. She cried like crazy when I told her what I wanted to do.”

  “It’s so nice that you are close to your mother.”

  “You used to be close to yours…”

  “That’s true, but not the way you and your mom are.”

  “I think it comes from being the only daughter. You also have your sister.”

  “Maybe that’s it.” I wasn’t convinced, but I dropped it.

  I pulled out onto the interstate heading to a bridal store in the next town over. I rolled up the windows, sad to lose the fresh air, but unable to hear Kelly over the wind.

  “I think I know what kind of dresses I want you girls to wear, but of course you get some veto power.”

  “I’m sure whatever you pick will be fine. It’s just Daniela and me, right?” I asked, referring to Tom’s little sister.

  “Uh huh, we wanted to keep it small. Tom’s just having Gavin and my brother.”

  “Small is nice.”

  “I think so too.” She smiled.

  “Are you sure Daniela doesn’t mind us shopping without her?”

  “No, she insisted. She hates shopping. I know it’s weird. I’m finally getting a sister and she won’t even shop with me.” Kelly messed with the zipper on her purse.

  “She’s sweet though.”

  “Definitely. We get along really well.”

  The bridal shop was small with two thirds of the store full of white and ivory wedding gowns, and the back third displaying colorful bridesmaid dresses. We were the only customers in the store and were greeted warmly by a sales person.

  We sat down to consult with her, and the woman bombarded Kelly with questions. “So what look were you thinking of? What does your dress look like? What type of wedding? How many girls? What’s the time line?”

  “My dress is tea length and ivory, so I want something fairly simple and shorter for the girls. There’s only two.”

  “Any color ideas, fabric?” She made a note on her pad.

  “Green and something appropriate for the summer. Oh, and something we can order quickly. We’re kind of planning everything last minute.”

  I smiled. I knew Kelly would pick green dresses. Sometimes the familiar could be so nice.

  I tried on at least ten dresses, but Kelly kept going back to the same one. It was a beautiful light green with spaghetti straps and looked incredible on, but the price tag, especially with the rush order fee, terrified me.

  “I’m going to get your dress,” Kelly said when I finished getting measured.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Yes, I do. You took my engagement photos. This is my payment.”

  “Kel—”

  “Don’t bother. Tom and I already talked about it.”

  “Are you sure? I know you don’t have a lot of extra money either.”

  “I can get this. Just let it go.”

  “Well, thank you.” I hugged her.

  “You’re very welcome.”

  We filled out some paperwork and got back in the car. “Want to grab some lunch?” Kelly asked.

  “Sure, I’m starving.”

  “Okay, cool. My treat.”

  “No way, you just paid for my dress.”

  “I know how tight you are on money right now.” She looked away, embarrassed.

  “It’s just that my loan payments are getting ready to kick in, and I’m not exactly making much working for Gail.”

  “You don’t have to explain.”

  “I just feel worthless, you know? I’m twenty-two, in debt, and broke.” I checked my rearview mirror before changing lanes.

  “How can being broke make you feel worthless?”

  “I just feel dumb. I took out so many loans without even thinking about what would happen if I didn’t get a good job.”

  “Don’t feel dumb. You’ll figure something out. You always do.”

  “I know. I’m lucky Adam’s parents paid for the rest of our lease, otherwise I’d be even deeper in debt right now.”

  “Is the lease up already?”

  “In August. I left all the furniture and everything. I guess I’ll have to arrange for someone to take it.”

  “Maybe your landlord will take it to sell? It’s probably worth asking about at least.”

  “True, I could try that.”

  I wanted to get off the depressing conversation. “But really, it’s not a big deal.”

  “No, and there are other more important things to talk about.”

  “Like?” I asked warily.

  “Ben. You and Ben.”

  “I thought we already discussed this.”

  “We haven’t even scratched the surface.”

  I should have known Kelly wasn’t letting me off so easy.

  ***

  We were finishing up our lunch at Applebee’s when Kelly brought up Ben again. I’d tactfully skated around the topic throughout lunch by keeping the conversation on Kelly, Tom, and the wedding. I legitimately had questions for her and wanted to know the details. By the end of the meal, I’d discovered they were having a morning ceremony with a lunch time reception at the church with about a hundred guests. She wanted me to do a reading, and they were going on a honeymoon to Aruba. All very important information.

  “Okay, enough about me. Your turn.” She put down her fork and crossed her arms. She meant business.

  “Fine. What do you want to know?”

  “What’s going on with you two?”

  “I don’t actually know,” I admitted.

  “How is that even possible?”

  I paused to take a few more bites of my chicken salad. “All right, we’re being casually exclusive.”

  “Excuse me?” Kelly’s eyes bugged out. “‘Casually exclusive?’ What does that even mean?”

  “We’re not seeing anyone else, but we’re still keeping it purely physical.”

  She shook her head before taking a long sip from her iced tea. “You’re joking, right? Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m being totally serious. You should have seen Ben. He flipped out when he found out I went to dinner with Gavin. I had to agree to exclusive.”

  “I can’t say I’m surprised that he got upset, but that still leaves the question of why you want it to be about sex. You’re crazy about each other. Why not fully commit?”

  “I have nothing to offer him. He deserves more than I can give.” I used a finger to trace designs in the condensation on my glass.

  Kelly reached across the table and took my hand. “You don’t really believe that, do you?”

  “Do I have to answer that?”

  “Oh, Mol. You need to stop doing this to yourself. I know you’re still upset about Adam, and that’s understandable, but you can’t let that stop you from falling in love again. I know you, and you don’t want to spend your life alone just because you’re too afraid.”

  I looked away, trying to hide some traitorous tears.

  “It’s Ben we’re talking about. You know him. Sure, you’re not perfect, but neither is he. You need to tell him the truth about Adam and let him make his own decision. And we both know what choice he’ll make. He’s never had eyes for anyone else.”

  “Please stop.” All this Ben talk was only making me more confused.

  “Okay, so let’s pretend for a minute I believe in this whole ‘casual exclusive’ thing. What does it entail?”

&nbs
p; I appreciated the life preserver she threw me. She was lightening the mood.

  “We’ve spent the last few nights hanging out. We have a rule that it’s just hook ups and not dates, but I’m pretty sure watching movies on the couch kind of blurs that line.”

  Kelly chuckled. “Umm yeah, how is that not a date?”

  “I know. Ben’s upset I won’t spend the night.”

  “Why won’t you? That’s kind of a weird thing to refuse.”

  “It’s just too serious.” I edited out the part about the nightmares and how terrified I was of Ben finding out that I was the cause of two deaths. I knew Ben was crazy about me, but how could he not look at me differently when he found out? I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing his feelings change.

  “It’s weird to hear you talk about a relationship being too serious. I didn’t think you even knew the definition of casual.” She reached over to grab an extra napkin from the dispenser to clean up a few drops of salad dressing from the table.

  “Maybe that’s why I need this.”

  “No, you’re just scared,” she said matter-of-factly. “Do you want dessert?”

  I loved being best friends with the queen of non sequiturs. “Only if you let me pay for it.”

  “Deal.” She smiled, and I picked up the dessert menu.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kelly’s words stuck with me when I went to see Ben that night. I knew she meant well, but she didn’t understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn’t bear to see that same reflection in Ben’s eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge. I’d already hurt Ben once, and I didn’t want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate.

  Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam’s death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad’s death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more. I liked things the way they were, and I was terrified of ruining it.

  We spent most of the evening talking in his room. Ben filled me in on the details of his fishing tour venture and how he planned to expand it to include scuba diving as well. It was fun to see him get so animated about work, and I listened contently, sprawled across his bed with my head in his lap.

  I was getting ready to head home when Ben stopped me. “Would coming to see another one of my shows break our agreement?”

  I looked at him, still naked under the covers of his bed, and a part of me just wanted to get back in next to him. “I guess not. When and where?”

  “Tuesday night at the Soapbox. It’s a cool place in Wilmington.”

  “Do you promise not to play that song?”

  “I promise.” His expression let me know he was genuine. “I’ll never play it again if you don’t want me to.”

  “I don’t want you to.” I knew it was a big hit, but just knowing he was singing it upset me.

  “Okay, consider it off our set lists permanently.”

  “Thank you. I’ll see if Kelly wants to come with me.” I pulled on my tank top.

  “If she can’t, let me know. I’ll make Jake go with you instead. I don’t want you sitting alone. God knows how many guys would be hitting on you. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.”

  I picked up a pillow and tossed it at him. “Yes, because I am so incapable of taking care of myself.”

  “I never said you couldn’t take care of yourself.”

  “Fine. If you don’t hear from me, assume I’m going with Kelly.”

  “Sounds good. So any big plans tomorrow night?”

  “Oh yeah, hot ones.”

  Ben sat up straighter.

  I laughed. “Chill out. I promised Kelly we’d go see some new romantic comedy. Tom won’t go.”

  “Sounds fun,” he said sarcastically.

  “On that note, I’ve got to go.”

  “Are you sure? I could make it worth your while if you stayed.” He opened his arms in invitation.

  “As tempting as that is, I’m supposed to help Gail bake tomorrow, which means I have to get there at five.”

  “So? I’m at work that early most of the time.”

  “Yeah… but you were always more of a morning person than me.” Of course Ben didn’t realize I’d been making four a.m. runs a habit.

  “Well, if you decide you want to come over after the movie, by all means do it.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “You do that… no pressure.” From the teasing look in his eye, I knew that I needed to make a run for it if I was going to make it home anytime soon.

  ***

  I finally learned how to make Gail’s mouthwatering strawberry-cream cheese Danishes. I’d been eating them up since I was a kid, and she’d decided it was time I baked them myself. I may have been covered in flour by the end, but I made a pretty good batch. I made sure to put one aside, so Ben could taste my handiwork. He was the only one I knew who loved those pastries as much as I did.

  Gavin and Tom came in around ten a.m. I was finishing up a Coke, tired of drinking coffee, but in desperate need of caffeine. The dreams had been brutal the night before, and I’d only slept about an hour.

  “Hey there, stranger who doesn’t call when she promises to,” Gavin teased when they reached the counter. I’d never seen him in uniform before, and he looked different—more intimidating maybe.

  “Hi, yeah, sorry about that.” I shrugged, not offering more of an explanation. The truth was, after watching how upset Ben got about me having dinner with Gavin, I didn’t need to set him off again. Whatever we were classifying ourselves as, Ben deserved some effort to spare his feelings.

  “So, we still need to talk about that thing.” He nodded toward Tom.

  “Oh. Umm, would it be enough if I told you I’d call later?”

  “No way.” He laughed. “I’m not falling for that again. Could you get us some coffees and then maybe you can take a break for a few minutes?”

  “Okay, one second.”

  I served them both their coffee and then told Gail I was taking my break. Tom must have thought we had personal things to discuss because he happily went outside to give us a semblance of privacy.

  Gavin pulled out a chair for me at a table and sat down across from me. “Are you doing okay?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  “Don’t ‘of course’ me. You scared me the other night.”

  I really wished I could take back everything I’d told Gavin. He was the wrong person to open up to, I could see that now. It’s not that he wasn’t a nice guy, but I needed to make a break from him, and it would just make it harder. “I didn’t mean to scare you; just forget about it.”

  “Not likely.” He looked at me seriously for a moment before his lips turned into a smile. “So, how do you feel about having the party at my place?”

  “That’s fine. I really don’t know where else in town we could have it.” Somehow, it would feel wrong to throw that kind of party at my parents’ house. “How exactly do you plan one of these joint parties though? The only bachelorette parties I ever went to had pasta shaped in the form of a key part the male anatomy. I can’t imagine that flying here.”

  Gavin chuckled. “A key part the male anatomy? I didn’t take you to be such a blushing virgin that you couldn’t say the word penis.”

  “If you knew the kind of household I grew up in, you’d understand. That sort of conditioning is hard to shrug off.”

  “Strict parents, huh?”

  “A strict dad. My mom was always pretty normal, but Dad wan
ted to keep his girls in line.” I used my straw to stir the ice in my cup.

  “Well, if your sister looks anything like you, I get it. He probably had to beat the boys away from the pair of you.”

  “Very funny,” I said dryly.

  “Very true.”

  “So, you didn’t answer my question.”

  “Oh, sorry. I think it’s pretty much an excuse to have a big party with drinking, stupid games, and celebrating the couple, you know?”

  “Games?”

  “Yeah, like drinking games.”

  I felt my cheeks heat, realizing that I had a game to contribute. After organizing a bachelorette party for a college friend, I knew the ropes.

  “What?” Gavin leaned over on an elbow toward me.

  “I have this card game I can bring.”

  “Card game?” He arched an eyebrow.

  “I got them for a friend’s bachelorette party. It’s really just truth or dare in a pack of cards.”

  “Interesting.” He got a mischievous look in his eyes.

  “Whatever.”

  “So bring this card game and invite whoever you think Kelly wants. Do you think this weekend is too soon? How about Friday?”

  “No, I think that works. It shouldn’t take much planning. Let me know what I can bring or help with.”

  “Could you come by early, help set up and everything?”

  “Sure,” I said cautiously. I’d have to be extra careful when I broached that topic with Ben.

  “Great.” He stood up before bending over to kiss me on the cheek. “Any interest in grabbing dinner tonight?”

  I forced a smile. “I’ve got plans with Kelly.”

  “Oh, cool.” He looked disappointed. “I thought I’d have better luck with a last minute invitation. You know, if I gave you less of a chance to come up with excuses.”

  “Gavin, I really don’t want to lead you on. You get that nothing is going to happen between us, right?” I needed to clear my conscience, whether it made interacting with Gavin incredibly awkward or not.

  “I understand nothing’s going to happen right now. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends until you’re ready for us to be more.”