“Well, whether you were meanin’ to call a halt to us or not, the fact is you did, Robbie. In clear and concise English. You said goodbye, and I took that to heart. There was nothin’ left to say after that, and that’s why I didn’t respond.”
“But I didn’t mean it!” Robbie interjected in a pleading tone that normally would have made Cole cave in seconds to whatever Robbie wanted.
Cole sighed wearily and ran a hand over his face. “Look, we need to talk. Really talk. Come walk with me and let’s get this said once and for all.”
Robbie frowned and glanced around nervously. “O-okay.”
Cole heard the quiver in Robbie’s voice, and he made himself not react. Instead, he turned and gestured for Robbie to walk beside him. Cole led Robbie around the barn and away from all the inquisitive ears inside. When they reached a picnic table under a shade tree on the far side of the last paddock, Cole asked Robbie to take a seat. Once Robbie sank down on the bench, Cole turned and straddled the wood next to him, so they were facing one another, but not touching in any way.
“I don’t like the way you’re looking at me, Cole. Or the way you’re trying to keep a foot of distance between us.” Robbie nibbled on his lower lip, looking so uncertain.
“Robbie,” Cole exhaled heavily. “We’re gonna have to be blunt with each other today and say some things that have needed sayin’ for a long time. Now, I’m not tryin’ to be mean or cruel – you know that’s not the kind of man I am – but we can’t let things remain unspoken anymore. It’s past time for some honesty between us.”
“Oh, Cole.” Robbie did reach out then, and he settled his hand on Cole’s forearm. “I never meant to hurt you by sending that silly text. I swear I didn’t.”
“Maybe not, but it did hurt initially.”
“Initially?” Robbie narrowed his eyes. “What? For only a few days? Come on, Cole. We’ve been a part of each other’s lives since high school. You were my first and I know I was yours. That’s not something you throw away because I got too drunk to know what I was saying.”
“You were my first, Robbie. And you were my only up until Saturday.”
Robbie gasped. “For all that time, you never…”
“No. And that’s more on me than on you,” Cole said with a sad smile. “I held on even when you left and told me that you would be seeing other men. Honestly, I hoped that if you went to Chicago and had a taste of the big city, eventually you’d miss me and home enough to come back. Maybe be with me full-time here on the ranch.”
“But I told you when I left that I wasn’t coming back to this place. There’s nothing for me in rural Texas.”
Cole winced. Even though he knew he and Robbie were done, that comment stung more than he cared to admit.
“Yeah, ya did,” Cole said, sad that he’d let himself believe something different for so long. “Over the last couple of years, I’ve come to realize that there wasn’t a future for us beyond your occasional trips here, Robbie. Again, it’s on me that I was hangin’ on to something that wasn’t what I needed. It took your text on Saturday to give me the final push I needed to say for once and for all that we were done.”
“But that’s not what I want.” Robbie scooted closer and cupped Cole’s face. “I can’t lose you, because no matter what I do and who I meet, you’re still my one true thing, Cole. You’re like my base, and I have to come back to you from time to time. You don’t know how fake some people can be out there. But with you, I always know I’m with someone real, someone who sees me for me and doesn’t expect the show.”
“But I’m not yours to hold on to any longer, Robbie,” Cole countered softly. “Maybe I never was, though I was happy to hang on too, hoping for a different outcome.”
Robbie opened his mouth to argue, but Cole removed Robbie’s hand from his cheek and shook his head.
“Listen to me, Robbie. You were using me to remind you of who you are, and I was holding tightly to you in the hope that you’d want to be exclusively mine someday. Both of us should have severed ties years ago, but for whatever reason, we didn’t have the strength to do it. Now, though, I’m ready, and I’ve moved on. There is no us anymore, so you can’t come here expecting things to be the same.”
“What do you mean, you’ve moved on?”
“Exactly what I said.”
Cole paused when he heard the sound of a truck crunching over gravel on the opposite side of the barn. He hoped Mike was sending the hands home now because it didn’t look like his parting from Robbie would be pretty, and that wasn’t something he wanted his people witnessing.
“Well you had better spell it out for me, Cole,” Robbie said in an icy tone, which Cole had never heard him use before. “Because I don’t see how you can stay faithful to me all this time and then suddenly decide that we’re done, and you can’t forgive me after one stupid text.”
Cole tipped his head back and prayed for guidance. He needed patience too, but his mother had always told him never to pray for that trait. Still, Cole knew someone upstairs understood what he needed and was hopefully ready to give it to him, so he didn’t hurt Robbie. He knew Robbie was lashing out because he was scared and Cole hated the fear which resided deep-down in his former lover.
“Robbie, I wish only the best for you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, even when you left for greener pastures. I’m not trying to hurt you none, and if you’ll just pause for one second and think about everything you know about me, you’ll remember that that one thing is true. I’ve never struck out at you in anger, nor anyone else for that matter, so why would I start now when it’s so obvious that you’re hurtin’?”
Robbie’s blue eyes filled with tears and he covered his plump lips with his hand, trying to hide the way they quivered.
“Hush, now,” Cole said softly and reached out to touch Robbie’s shoulder. “You and I do have a history, and there is no reason why we can’t continue to talk to one another and be friends. Support one another in that way. But we can’t be lovers anymore. That is done and finished between us, Robbie. And though you say you need me as your base, that is something I can’t be either. That’s somethin’ only you can find within yourself, and until you do, you’re never gonna be happy, no matter who is in bed with you.”
“Don’t do this, Cole,” Robbie rasped, not hiding the tears that began to slip down his cheeks.
Cole gave him a sad smile, unwilling to fall back into Robbie’s arms even to comfort him.
“It’s already done, Robbie,” Cole said as gently as he could. “I have someone else in my life now, someone who’s been waitin’ for the day when I was finally single, so he could tell me that he loves me and wants to build a family with me. I just didn’t know the depth of his feelings, but now I do, and I couldn’t be happier. He’s a wonderful man, a true and honest soul, and about the best friend I’ve ever had. I want you to be happy for me and not resent the fact that I’ve found my happiness now, even though I’ve found it with another man.”
“That is not possible!” Robbie railed and stood up abruptly. He stalked away from the table and then whirled around to face Cole.
Cole slowly rose and settled his hands on his waist, unsure what Robbie was going to say or do next.
“I can’t have lost you over some stupid-ass text!”
Fuck, but was this hard to navigate, Cole thought.
“Robbie, I think, lookin’ back on things, that you lost me when you moved away. Somewhere deep inside, I knew I wasn’t ever really gettin’ you back. It just took me a long time to see reason.”
“Who is he?” Robbie demanded to know. “This man that you’re so happy with and who’s going to raise a family with you?”
Cole smiled. He couldn’t help it. “Everest Cooper.”
Robbie made an incredulous sound. “Everest Cooper?” he stated, slowly enunciating Everest’s name. “Now I know you’re not thinking straight. That man is a rancher, same as you, Cole. People around here will destroy both of you if you come out
and live as gay men! Your hands will desert you, and no one will buy the first bit of beef from either of you. Why in the hell do you think I left in the first place? You can’t be gay and live freely in this area!”
“Actually, you can,” Everest said calmly.
Cole whirled around in shock to see Everest and all of his brothers, as well as the men and women of Cole’s ranch standing behind him. Everest walked forward, and he wrapped an arm around Cole’s waist, smiling at him as though nothing was amiss. He pecked a quick kiss on Cole’s slightly parted lips, and then he turned to Robbie and extended his free hand.
“Robbie, we met in passing many years ago. I’m Everest Cooper.”
Robbie reluctantly took his hand for a brief shake. “I know who you are.”
Cole just blinked, trying to gauge Everest’s mood. His lover didn’t appear angry to see him talking to Robbie, but Cole knew Everest surely hadn’t expected to see them together so soon after Cole had accepted Everest’s offer to start a relationship.
Everest glanced at Cole and gave him another squeeze around his waist as if reading his apprehension. Everest shook his head and then looked back at Robbie.
“Then you also know that what Cole is tellin’ you is true,” Everest said, “though I’m sure it’s hard to hear when it conflicts with your own wants. I’m not a man who tolerates bigotry, and neither is Cole. We’ve made sure not to surround ourselves with folks who are filled with hate as our ranches have grown. In fact, Cole and I publicly came out to our staff this very day, and we told our respective families yesterday that we’re together now. I only lost one hand after sharing the news, and Mike tells me that Cole lost no one.”
Robbie shifted his stance and crossed his arms over his chest, a move which Cole knew meant he was trying to comfort himself.
“Now, that only happened because we’ve been here for years, puttin’ down roots,” Everest explained, gentling his tone. “We’ve stayed and built our support system around us through hard work and camaraderie, not because we were demanding to be accepted by anyone. The men and women of this area know us and, sure, there’ll be some who don’t like that we’re partners, but most will let us live out our lives in peace.”
Cole watched Robbie look from Everest to him and back again. Emotions came one on top of another in Robbie’s vibrant eyes until, finally, Cole saw sadness settle in heavy and deep. He patted Everest’s waist and then stepped away and closer to Robbie.
“Robbie,” Cole said quietly, not wanting the others to overhear, “think on what I’ve said. You’ve gotta find what you’re lookin’ for inside you. Don’t think you’re gonna find that in any one man or group of men. If you can figure out what makes you truly happy and be content with yourself, then maybe, just maybe, if it’s what you want, you can look for a partner who’ll complement you.”
He nodded slowly and reached out again to lightly touch Robbie’s cheek. “When Everest came to my place to tell me that he loves me and wants me as his own, he said that he had waited on the sidelines for years while I grew up and became the man that I am. Waited for me to be single, too. Those were mighty wise words. I think…” Cole paused and let his hand fall away from Robbie, and instead, he extended it to Everest, who gladly stepped forward and threaded their fingers together. Cole gave him a quick squeeze, smiling as they stared at each other before looking back down at Robbie.
“I think had Everest pursued me when I was younger, we might not have worked out so well, ’cause I might have resented him for always trying to lead me. Lord knows I needed it back then.” Cole blushed, and he saw Everest grinning at him from the corner of his eye. “But now that I know myself and what I’m lookin’ for in a partner, he’ll complement me and not overtake me. I can be a good husband to him and Everest to me, and we can be equals. I’m ready for more, and I’ve found someone who is ready for that big leap with me.”
“Please, Robbie, try to find it in your heart to be happy for me and not meet me with hate and scorn. It’s not the way I treated you when you left for Chicago, ready to find your great adventure with the other men who’ve held you when we were apart.”
Robbie sniffled, and he turned from Cole, looking off in the distance. Cole tried to take a steadying breath, but it was more Everest’s unwavering presence that sustained him and gave him strength than anything else. Everest looped his arm around Cole’s waist again and pulled him in close. He kissed Cole’s temple, and Cole leaned into the contact, feeling the warmth from that simple gesture to his toes.
“I don’t know how to leave you, Cole,” Robbie confessed so softly that Cole almost didn’t catch what he was saying. His shoulders sagged in defeat, and he shook his head. “I swear I don’t know how to never be with you again. It was just one text.”
But it had been years of neglect to his heart that had led to the moment they were currently enduring, Cole thought.
“Robbie, come back here,” Everest said and nudged Cole forward a few steps.
Robbie just shook his head again and wouldn’t turn around to face them.
Cole walked with Everest to where Robbie stood looking so low that it nearly broke Cole’s heart. No matter that they were no longer lovers, he didn’t like to see someone whom he cared about suffer so.
“Robbie,” Cole called to him quietly. “Look at me. Please.”
It took several minutes, but eventually, Robbie did turn to face them.
Cole gave him a sympathetic nod. “I know this hurts. Don’t think I’ve come out of all this unscathed because I haven’t. Our time together left its tracks in my heart too, and I’m only now taking steps to let the healin’ begin. But I still stand by what I said before. I will always be your friend. I won’t stop answering your calls if you need to talk somethin’ out or just hear a friendly voice from back home. But a friend is all I can be.”
“If you want that, then I’m still in your life,” Cole vowed. “If you don’t, then maybe someday you’ll wanna rebuild that bridge between us. I’m gonna be right here where I’ve always been, so when you decide if you can have me in your life as a friend, then you let me know. I won’t turn you away like a lot of people in this world would.” Cole shrugged. “I’m not built that way.”
“No, you’re not,” Robbie managed to say before he threw himself into Cole’s arms. “I’m such a fool!”
“Shhh, now. You know you’re not, and you’re gonna be all right.” Cole held him and stared over Robbie’s head at Everest.
Everest smiled at him in that warm, loving way which Cole had come to adore so quickly. He saw no judgment or reproach on his lover’s face, nor did he see any anger directed at Robbie as his former boyfriend cried all over Cole’s shirt. Everest surprised Cole further when he stepped in closer and settled his hand on Cole’s shoulder.
“Love you,” he mouthed and winked at Cole.
Cole swallowed hard, feeling the words right on the tip of his tongue. But standing there with a distraught Robbie in his arms was not the right time to give Everest the declaration. So, Cole inclined his head and then drew in a deep breath. Slowly, he pulled Robbie away from his body and stared down at him.
“You got somewhere to stay tonight?”
Robbie shook his head.
“Then you can stay in Mom’s house. She’s away visitin’ relatives, so it’s sittin’ empty. You can stay there as long as you need, ’cause she won’t mind one bit.”
“I can’t do that, Cole,” Robbie said, his voice catching.
Cole frowned. “Why can’t you?”
“I can’t be here right now and not sleep with you. Not be in your bed.” Robbie glanced over at Everest and stared at him as if trying to divine some secret which eluded him. Finally, he looked back at Cole and just shook his head. “I’m going to drive back to the airport and fly home. I need some time to process all of this and try to… understand what’s happened.”
Cole knew that once Robbie made up his mind about a course of action, there was little chance of changing
it. He couldn’t force the man to accept his offer of shelter, but he could at least try to make sure Robbie made it to the airport in one piece.
“Can you drive yourself there safely, or do you want one of my guys to take you?”
“No.” Robbie sniffled and wiped his face with both hands. “I can drive myself. I need the time alone.”
“All right then.” Cole nodded and gestured in the direction of Robbie’s rental. “Everest, I’ll be right back, love. Let me walk him to his car.”
“Okay,” Everest murmured and kissed Cole’s temple once more before he let Cole walk away.
Cole didn’t say anything else as he led Robbie past the paddocks and barn. He was thankful that his people had all cleared out of there and not one face appeared as he escorted Robbie from the place. Robbie remained silent too until they were standing beside the vehicle and then he leaned in and gave Cole one last, brief hug.
“I will try very hard to find the courage to call you at some point in the near future,” Robbie said and placed a hand over Cole’s heart.
“It won’t take courage, Robbie. It’ll be easy, like breathin’. You know me, and you know you’re safe with me – as my friend. I ain’t out to hurt ya or judge ya. Just do me the courtesy of accepting Everest and his place at my side, and we’ll be just fine.”
“I’m going to try. Just… Just give me some time.” He squinted and raked a hand through his perfectly styled hair.
Cole smiled and chuckled softly, startling Robbie a bit.
“I’ve been givin’ you time in some form or fashion since I first met you, Robbie. I’m not gonna change that now.”
Robbie pressed his lips together, but the smile he was trying to hide came forth anyway. So did a few more silent tears.
Cole reached out and thumbed one away, and then he stepped back and nodded towards Robbie’s car.
“Be safe and at least let me know you made it home all right. I’m gonna worry until I know you’re there in one piece.”
A Cowboy's Dance (White Oak Ranch Book 1) Page 11