“Yea boss?” He thundered.
“This young lady was roughed up a bit in there. I’m going to make sure she makes it to her dorm safely.” Mouse or whatever his name was lifted one eyebrow in question but didn’t contradict him, which I thought was strange. Mouse was bigger, older and seemed like, in man hierarchy, he’d outrank Jaime in every way, but instead he deferred to him. “Do you have this under control until I get back?” Jaime asked. Mouse nodded once and without any further conversation he gripped me by my arm between my shoulder and elbow and dragged me around the back of the building. At this point, I probably should’ve been scared but I wasn’t. I was strangely at ease even though he was dragging me behind a shady building to a skeezy parking lot.
“Can you either slow down or let me go, please? I’m having a hard time keeping up,” I said when the techno beats had faded into the background. He released my arm but kept walking in silence. When he clicked the keyless entry to his, yes, Range Rover, I knew there would be no talking unless I initiated it.
“Thanks. For driving me,” I said after he folded his massive body into the drivers’ seat.
“Don’t mention it,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Are you angry with me or something?” I asked because, really? Why the hell were you talking to me through clenched teeth? What the hell did I do in the situation to deserve that? I certainly didn’t ask him to drive me home.
“Your boyfriend back there?” He clipped as his hand came down so hard on the wheel the entire steering column vibrated with the force.
“My who?”
“Oh c’mon, Charley. Markus. He wasn’t there tonight. You really could’ve used him while that clown was groping you.”
“You think Markus is my boyfriend?” I was incredulous and slightly amused. After getting to know Markus there was no way anyone would think he was anything but gay.
“Well, yea. I mean, you’re always together, he calls you honey, and you have these little secret looks between you. Last time he said something to you, you licked your lips.”
“You noticed that?” I said blithely.
“That’s not the point.”
“I think it is,” I’d never been so overtly flirtatious before but the booze, and something about the jealousy he displayed toward Markus made me feel bold. “Markus would be shocked if he knew you were looking at my lips.” He kept his eyes on the road but his face paled. It was clear to me how much he did not like to be teased, even lightly. So I changed tactics. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a friend, and a potential business partner. And he’s gay as they come.”
“Gay.”
“Yes.”
“Well that’s a relief.”
“Why? Are you gay?” I was suddenly feeling not so flirtatious. Maybe he was staring at Markus that day at the gym. That would explain the meticulous care of himself and his body.
“What? No. No! I just meant…never mind.” The strange thing was, I did know what he meant, I just had no clue what to do with it. I thought it was safest to change the subject.
“So, do you have plans for break? Going home to see your family? Wherever home is, anyway?”
“Staying in town.”
“I am too. I’m staying with a friend.”
“Huh.”
“Yea. She’s a really good friend.” At this point the car had stopped in front of my dorm. I shouldn’t have been surprised that you remembered but I was.
“Well then, we should actually plan to hang out sometime as opposed to this accidental thing we keep doing.” You said authoritatively. “Let me have your number. I’ll call you during break.” It was the first time I’d ever been asked out. I mean, technically he didn’t ask, but it was flattering nonetheless.
“I’d like that,” I said and gave him the number to Collette’s apartment.
A week later Collette insisted that I accompany her to her parent’s house for dinner. They were having a pre-Christmas bash and she didn’t want to go alone. She also mentioned how much her father was looking forward to seeing me. Apparently, patient-not-doctor privilege didn’t apply to fathers. Not that I had invoked that with Collette since we decided to ditch the whole patient-not-doctor thing, anyway.
The house that Collette grew up in was almost exactly how I pictured it. Well, not exactly, it was a large ranch house instead of a cozy split level, but the feeling was the same. The interior was decorated in oversized, old but good quality, worn in furniture. Lots of leather and tweed and bookshelves overflowing. I could picture Collette as a child curled up in the corners of this house reading the books her doctor-dad and lawyer-mom deemed worthy to don those shelves. It made sense that she was the way she was. Collette’s younger sister Calliope was so similar to her, even down to the funky framed glasses, though Calliope’s were purple. She had the same glossy brown hair and coltish figure. The entire bunch was all quite liberal in their politics and with their affection for each other. That was what I had envisioned; the feel of the house. Warmth. Openness. Love. Collette wasn’t the only one to bring home strays like me. Calliope’s guest, who we all found out later was also her boyfriend, was recovering from a recreational drug problem and she was instrumental in his recovery. I assumed sex with her was a great incentive. Diane, Collette’s mom, had a couple of her clients at the party as well. The only thing I knew about lawyers I learned from Paul, so I didn’t too much care for them. Diane broke all the stereotypes I had. She really wanted to help those people and wasn’t necessarily motivated by money. She was doing, according to Dr. Musgraves and Collette, hundreds of hours of work per month for next to nothing so that these clients got what they deserved. It was inspiring. I milled around the house, mostly admiring the droves of books, with a giant glass of eggnog hoping that when it was over I could go back to Collette’s apartment alone and read my own when I saw him.
He sauntered through the front door like he lived there. When Dr. Musgraves, or Jim as he asked me to call him, saw him they gave each other that rough man hug. Jim was beaming in his “Kiss the Chef” apron over silly Christmas themed sweater. It wasn’t nearly cold enough for such a sweater, and inside, with all the people and the oven going, it was actually beginning to get uncomfortable, but Jim seemed to be into the Christmas cheer or whatever. Jaime looked so casual in his off -white thermal, army-heather vest and black boots. He had a dark pair of jeans that hugged his muscular thighs and backside so perfectly it was hard not to stare. He’d let some facial hair grow out since being away from campus and his hair wasn’t gelled in the neat part but shaggy in his eyes. In short, he looked sexy which made the whole thing more unnerving for me. I appraised my own appearance which, by contrast was not sexy. Jeans, thin white t-shirt that clung to my skin, old converse I had since high school, The only thing that saved me was Collette’s fault: she insisted I wear some make up and she pulled my hair off my face in the front in a cool twisty thing. Still, I was in no position to see Jaime. I skirted around the outside of the party to find Collette. She was in the kitchen talking with Calliope when I grabbed her by her elbow.
“Collette, what is Jaime doing here?” I whisper-yelled. Darting my eyes to where he was deep in conversation with Jim, praying he didn’t notice me having a slight meltdown at his presence.
“He’s a family friend,” she said confused about my outburst.
“You’re shitting me.” I dropped my hand from her elbow and placed it over my gaping mouth.
“No. I’m not. Wait...how do you know him? I thought you worked out with Markus?”
“I do. I don’t really know him, know him. We’ve kind of been talking.” That was the only way I could think to describe our interactions. They were so rare and so -strange that I didn’t have another word for them.
“What? You didn’t tell me.”
“Well every time was kind of…coincidental.”
“Like now?” She asked with a devious smile.
“Yea, like now,” I said feeling flush.
&nb
sp; “Do you like him?”
I didn’t want to say no, because that would’ve been a lie but I didn’t know him at all to say yes. Collette never accepted “I don’t know” as an answer so I just blinked and stuttered.
“Okay, that wasn’t a fair question,” she admitted. I gave her the only answer I could think to give.
“I think he’s cute. Hot actually. And sweet. At least to me he is, I think. He always…protects me? Is that what I want to call it?”
“Ha,” she chortled to herself and shook her wavy brown hair from side to side. “I’ve known Jaime a long time. I think that’s a perfect word to use.”
“Where is his family?”
“Why don’t you have him tell you?”
“Is he another stray your family has picked up?”
“Sort of,” she sniggered.
“So there’s a story there, huh?”
“A long one.”
It wasn’t too long after that that he saw me. The surprise on his face registered immediately so, like a fool I raised my eggnog glass in his direction. I felt so silly for being there, like an intruder, though I had as much right to be there as he did. He smiled a tentative smile and sauntered over, even his gait exuded confidence. All I could do was admire him.
“Hi.” He said but there was no apprehension in his voice. It was unwavering. It was commanding. It was totally hot.
“Hi, Jaime.”
“You’re staying with Collette.” It wasn’t really a question, and I think he found the situation as funny as I did. The ghost of a smile playing on his ruggedly handsome face.
“Yea. How do you, um, know her?”
“Old friend.” He offered no other explanation so we stood there for a brief moment in silence. “Let’s go outside for a bit,” he said. Again, he didn’t ask if I wanted to, though if he had there was only one answer I could’ve given. I guessed he was a guy who didn’t really leave anything up to chance.
“I’d love that,” I said a bit less confident than he. “So, how do you know the Musgraves?” I asked realizing only afterward how dumb a question it was.
“Dr. M. was in the service with my dad. Helped me after he died couple years ago.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Because what do you say to something like that?
“Don’t be,” he said and looked me directly in the eye which was a bit unnerving.
“Why not? He was your father.”
“He was a dick. I mean, I loved the guy but he wasn’t the warm fuzzy kind of man. His father was army, he was ex-Marine. Took the drill sergeant mentality home with him, if you know what I mean.”
“I’m starting to,” and I gave him a wink but he didn’t get my joke and I didn’t push. I cleared my throat and asked “You were in the military, too?” I knew the answer. It was actually pretty comical how much I knew the answer but it seemed like the right thing to ask.
“Yes. I enlisted right out of high school. Was stationed in Ft. Benning Georgia. Did two tours in Afghanistan, one in Iraq. I was honorably discharged after dad died. Sole surviving and all that.”
“Then you started training?”
“Yea. Used my GI Bill rights to get a certification to be a trainer and now here I am. Been working here for a little over a year.”
“You’ve been working here for a year and you’re already the head trainer?”
“Go big or go home. My dad always said that if you’re going to bother doing something at all you need be the best.”
“Words to live by.”
“I do.” He was so somber when he uttered these words I couldn’t help but take notice. Jaime Rosen was not a man to be mocked or a man that you said “no” to. Jaime Rosen was a hard ass.
“Why personal training? Why not be a pilot or something like a lot of them do.”
“I get to be boot camp officer every day. It’s a little bit of revenge, I guess.”
“Is that why you’re a bouncer, too?”
“No. I do that for the money. And because I like to kick the shit outta drunk assholes who try and take advantage of women I’m pursuing.” This was his attempt at humor and it wasn’t lost on me, but I could only focus on what he’d said. What? He must have noticed how wide my eyes got because he changed the subject dramatically. “I like where this is going with us, Charley. I know we’re not exclusive yet, but I’d like to be. The thing is I need to know if you’re ready. I want pursue this a bit more aggressively, but we’re at different stages in our lives. I know you’re nineteen and we’ll talk about you sneaking into clubs with a fake ID later, but I’m twenty-four, Charley. I don’t need any more friends. I’m looking to settle down. If that’s not something you’re interested in then we should end this now.” Blinking rapidly and hives on my chest were my only response.
“It’s okay to tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I’m still trying to process it all.”
“Doctor M. tells me you’ve got a story, too.”
“So that’s what that outpouring was? A ploy to get me to spill my guts to you?”
“No. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But, I figured I showed you my scars you show me yours.”
“That’s a very Marine thing to say. “
“I meant that since we’re getting to know each other we share things.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Aside from Collette and Dr. M. as you call him, no one really knows about my past. I don’t know that I want to drag you down with my baggage. There are a lot of things that you don’t know about me, Jaime. You may not feel the same way about me when I do.”
“Why don’t you give me the chance to try?”
I could hear Collette’s voice in my head saying over and over that I needed to trust. I needed to let people in. I did trust him in that moment, which, for me, was pretty strange an I had to analyze why. Jaime was rough around the edges from years in the military and not having spent any time around girls before in a tender sort of way, but there was something in his demeanor that was comforting. He did save me. Twice. And because he did, I felt safe around him which for me was a big step. Besides Markus there wasn’t any man I felt safe to be around. Except Teddy. I felt a connection to him,after he told me about his dad because he showed me that he understood what it was like not to have a perfect home life like Collette or Kelsey or, again, Teddy. What can I say? Teddy was my only other…I don’t even know what we were but he was all I had to compare it to. I think what drew me to Jaime that night was that for the briefest of moments he dropped his mask. The face he showed to everyone else and showed me his true self. I liked that he showed it to me because, having kept such a control over my own I understood what it meant and how special it was to show it to someone else. I’d made the mistake to show teddy and he was cavalier with it. I wasn’t going to be careless with Jaime.
Still, I wasn’t ready to scare him off with the whole twisted tale, so I told him a version of the truth that didn’t make me look so pathetic. I didn’t tell him about Adam because that was a place I was barely ready address myself, let alone address it with another man. I didn’t tell him about Teddy because, he hadn’t brought up any exes so I was happy to table that until he did. Besides I wasn’t even sure how to address the Teddy situation. I’d pushed him to the back of my mind but he had this annoying way of creeping back in all time leaving me feeling raw. I gave him a little about Paul and my real dad. About mom and the last conversation that I had with her that landed me in the hands of Dr. M. and Collette. The story, even diluted considerably, still stunned him. When I looked up, his chest was rising and falling rapidly, the color had drained from his face down to his neck which was turning a deep purple.
“Jaime? Are you okay?”
“You haven’t been back home.”
“God, no. I don’t plan on it either. I don’t really consider it my home, you know?”
“She’s only come to see you once.”
“Yea. She’s been calling the dor
m a lot these days trying to get in touch.” This was information I didn’t mean to share. Not with him or anyone. I hadn’t even discussed it with Collette. I was happy just to ignore her.
“And you haven’t responded.”
“No way. I don’t want her in my life, Jaime. I just want to forget.”
“Have you? Forgotten?”
“No, not yet. But I figure the more distance I put between me and them, the easier it will be.
“Take it from someone who knows, Charley, running away isn’t going to make the demons go away. They chase you down wherever you are. You need to learn to make peace with them and then you’re really free.”
“Free?”
“Yea. Free.”
“I am free, Jaime. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything because I don’t really have a family.”
“You may not think so, but you aren’t. Look, my dad was an ass most of the time, but he was the only dad I had. Now that he’s gone, I can’t say that I miss him, but there are days that I wish he were still around. Maybe he could’ve answered some questions for me. Your mom is obviously trying. You don’t have to love her. Hell, you don’t have to like her, but you deserve to have closure.”
“I appreciate your concern, Jaime, but, all due respect, you don’t really know what you’re talking about.”
“I may not know all the details of your situation, but I’ve been in something similar. It’s taken me a long time to work through. Hell, I’m still working through it. Believe me when I say it will help if you talk to her.”
“I’ll keep it in mind.”
*****
“So how are things with you?” She asked scooping a large forkful of Caesar salad in her mouth.
“Is this Dr. Collette or just Collette by BFF?”
“This is Dr. Collette your BFF.” I sighed because I realized there would never be a time when she wasn’t analyzing me. I was like a whet stone on which she could sharpen her therapist skills whenever she wanted.
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