by Lydia Reeves
When my phone rang, it startled me so bad I had to stop myself from jerking the steering wheel and running the car off the road. I answered the call without checking who it was.
“Hello?”
“Sparrow, darling!”
“Hey, mom. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check in with you, sweetie. Did you go to the party?”
“No, mom, I didn’t. I ended up leaving early.” I glanced at the clock in the dashboard. The party would be going on right now. I couldn’t be very far from Dana’s at this point.
“Oh, did you? Honey, I think that’s probably for the best.”
“Uh-huh.” My voice sounded flat to my own ears.
“Are you in Ohio, then?”
“Yeah. I don’t have too far to go, I don’t think.”
“That’s good. Drive safe, sweetie. I’m on the road again, too. North Carolina, did I tell you?”
“Yep, you mentioned it,” I said.
“Well, it’s lovely. You should come down here some time. Oh! I nearly forgot! You’ll need to be free in the last week of August.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“I’m getting married!”
This time, I did jerk the steering wheel. I quickly swerved back into my own lane as a horn sounded behind me.
“What?!”
A semi rushed by as I changed lanes, heading for the upcoming exit ramp. I shouldn’t be driving during a conversation like this.
“What the hell do you mean you’re getting married? To who?”
“To Scott, darling. I’m sure I’ve told you about him.”
“You most certainly have not.”
“I could have sworn—oh well, I’m telling you now. He’s wonderful,” my mother trilled. “We met in Florida, and he’s meeting me here in North Carolina. I don’t know where we’ll be for the wedding, but you have to be my maid-of-honor.”
“I—sure, Mom, of course, but who is he?” I pulled into a gas station and cut the engine.
“Who, Scott?”
“Yes, Scott!”
“Oh, I met him at the grocery store. He’s a real sweetheart. He used to fly commercial jets, but he’s retired now, and—”
I tuned her out. I mean, I still listened, and responded appropriately, but my brain had short-circuited midway through. So, I just let her go on for a while, congratulated her, promised I would check in again soon, then ended the call. I felt shell-shocked.
My mom was getting married? That wasn’t even the real kicker. I mean, of course I wanted my mom to be happy. I was glad she’d found someone, and I was honestly happy for her. But what really hurt was that I hadn’t even known she was dating anyone. I wondered how long this had been going on. She hadn’t even been in Florida that long. Less than a year, I thought. Maybe six months?
Abruptly, I felt sorry for Scott, whoever he was. My mother meant well, she always did, but she’d never even mentioned him any of the many times I’d spoken to her since she’d been back.
I’d always known my mom was flighty. My dad had been the more level-headed of the pair. But this seemed like too much, even for her. Had she really forgotten to tell me about him? Or had she maybe left him out of our conversations intentionally, knowing this was how I would react?
I dropped my phone into the passenger’s seat, wondering if the marriage would last. At least it sounded like the guy enjoyed travel and could keep up with my mom’s whims, but I wondered how real it could actually be if I’d never heard of him before now.
What a way to treat a guy, I thought. I wouldn’t want to be the person dating my mom, so unimportant that I didn’t even come up in conversation with her daughter. But it was typical of my mom, selfishly letting the world organize itself around her.
My stomach suddenly dropped.
But wasn’t that exactly what I’d done to Sam? Kept him at arm’s length, treating him as temporary and unimportant? Like he didn’t figure into my plans, so his feelings didn’t matter?
Tears pricked behind my eyes. And what about my own feelings? Didn’t they matter either?
Did I really want to end up like my mom? To be fair, she was happy. My mom had always been happy with our lifestyle—my dad, too. But I couldn’t honestly say I’d been happy leaving my home every time I got settled, leaving friends I’d just gotten to know. I’d just been used to it. Maybe I’d thought the feeling of setting out into something new was happiness, but really, was it just the safety of something familiar?
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the seat. I missed Sam. A lot. More than I’d ever missed anyone I’d left behind before, and it had been less than a day.
Again, I let myself imagine for one brief moment what it would be like if I stayed. Could I really see myself in Fairfield, Indiana, putting down roots? Sam and I would argue, and it would be scary, and would he still like me if he got to know me even better? Would I be able to deal with his parents, who probably wouldn’t like me on principle?
I thought the answer to those questions might be yes. And what was the worst that could happen? I’d give it a try, and maybe it wouldn’t work out. And it would hurt, but then I’d move on. Like millions of couples did all the time. Like I’d done before.
Maybe my mom wasn’t crazy and flighty, I thought, opening my eyes and staring up at the sky through the windshield. Maybe she was brave. My dad had been gone for years, and he and my mom had been so perfect for each other. She was taking a risk on someone new, but maybe it was worth it, and even if it didn’t work out, she was going to marry the guy and give it all she had.
Did I really want to end up like my mom? Yes, maybe I did.
I started the engine and pulled out of the gas station, and when the ramp to the interstate came, I took the second turn, and headed west. The way I’d come. Back to Fairfield, Indiana.
I had messed up, and I prayed I wasn’t too late.
* * *
I had just crossed the border between Ohio and Indiana when I realized I had another call to make.
“Hey, El, what’s up? You close?”
“Hi Dana. Look, I’m really sorry, but I’m not going to be there today after all. In fact, I’m not really sure what’s going on yet.”
“Oh? Everything okay?”
“I think so. I hope so. I’m heading back to Indiana. I shouldn’t have left yet, and I owe someone an apology. I’ll fill you in soon, but I wanted to let you know I wasn’t coming.”
Dana’s laughter was a little resigned. “It’s okay, El. I didn’t really expect you today anyway.”
My voice was quiet. “I’m really sorry Dana. I really do want to see you.”
“I know, El. I want to see you too.” There was a pause, and I tried to think of what to say, but then she sighed. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad, I get it. I know you, El. You’ll get here when you get here. Or not. My house is always open to you, now, or next year, or in five more.”
“I—” My throat felt tight, and I didn’t know what to say. “Okay. Um. Thanks, Dana.”
“No worries. Don’t forget to call sometime and tell me what’s going on in Indiana.”
I hung up the phone feeling even worse. Was I really that bad of a friend? She hadn’t expected me to show, even though I’d called her with every update, to try not to inconvenience her too much. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
I wasn’t spontaneous and adventurous. I was inconsiderate and rude. And selfish.
Sam had been right. Real relationships took work. From both sides. That meant friendships too. And he hadn’t been asking me to change, but maybe he should have.
I didn’t deserve a friend like Dana, and I hoped I’d be able to make it up to her someday. But for now, I needed to make it up to Sam. I pressed down on the gas pedal, and my little car sped down the interstate.
* * *
It started to rain just as it was getting dark. With my windshield wipers smearing the oncoming headlights into blobs of light in my vision, I drove as fast as I saf
ely could, the rain slicking the pavement and slowing the traffic.
With every mile that passed, I became more sure of my decision, more certain that Sam had been right and I had messed up. What a poor way to treat someone, especially someone I cared about as much as I cared about him. I hadn’t gone with him to the party even though I’d promised, and I’d known he was going to have a hard time there. I’d said hurtful things to him the night before. I’d left, and hadn’t even said goodbye. I really hoped he didn’t hate me now. I was doing enough of that myself.
It seemed like an eternity had passed when my headlights lit up the big, green sign. Fairfield, five miles. Finally.
I took the exit, relief warring with trepidation in my chest, and made my way down the long, winding road that led into town. When I passed The Traveler’s Inn, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. I hoped they’d been able to deal with the bedbugs. So many changes in my life, sparked by something so seemingly insignificant.
It seemed like forever before the distant streetlights of town wavered into view, then finally the rows of storefronts appeared, their familiar awnings stretching cheerfully over the sidewalk. The antique shop, the barbershop, and there, finally—Sam’s Books.
The bookstore was closed, as I had anticipated, so I turned the corner and parked in the back alley, where the outside door led directly into the back hallway that led up to Sam’s apartment. When I pulled on the handle, I found that door was locked as well, and when I glanced around I realized his truck wasn’t parked in the alley lot. Looking up, I saw there were no lights on in his apartment.
He wasn’t home.
All of my elation at finally making it back drained out in a rush, leaving only exhaustion and worry behind. What if Sam didn’t forgive me? What if he decided I was more trouble than I was worth? I couldn’t really blame him. What if I had overinflated his feelings for me, and he hadn’t really been that upset to see me go in the first place? I hadn’t talked to him since our argument the night before, after all. The what-ifs spiraled in my head, gaining traction in my thoughts.
I forced them down and turned my head up to the rain, letting the cool water wash over my face. The rain had lightened to a gentle mist, and it felt good after the stuffy interior of my car, so I lowered myself down onto the steps, groaning as my stiff joints protested, and leaned my head back against the door.
It was fine. It had to be. I’d come all this way; for Sam I could wait a little longer.
Chapter 14
SAM
Spending the evening with my family was just as frustrating as I’d expected it to be. But while on any other day I would have found an excuse to leave early, today I was finding even my mother’s snide remarks more appealing than the thought of returning home to my empty apartment.
So, I stayed, after the party had officially ended and my brother had gone home. It was Jeanne’s turn to keep Dylan, but my parents had asked if he could stay with them for the night, so eventually Jeanne left as well, giving me a hug and ruffling my hair on the way out. My dad retrieved what was left of his crossword puzzle and my mom parked herself in front of the television, in search of a home improvement show, which left me and Dylan to dive into the jigsaw puzzle I’d brought him.
The puzzle had seven hundred pieces and was possibly a bit advanced for him, but the picture on the front depicted a battle scene between a group of dinosaurs and an army of armor-clad Vikings, and honestly, who could pass that up?
He cheerfully ignored my suggestion to look for edge pieces and instead started hunting for dinosaur faces, and we passed the time in content concentration until my mom announced that it was Dylan’s bedtime and I decided I couldn’t avoid my apartment any longer.
I hugged my dad and kissed my mom on the cheek and ignored her advice to, “Have your brother come do a book signing at your store, it’ll be good for business,”—even though she was probably right—and headed out to my truck.
It had started raining sometime while I’d been at my parents’ house, and while it wasn’t coming down too hard, the sky was dark, roiling clouds blocking out the moon as I carefully made my way back into town.
The weather matched my mood. I wasn’t angry anymore, and after talking with Jeanne, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself any longer, either. I was just sad. Sad because I’d finally found someone who really seemed to get me, who was fun and silly, who was smart and kind and sexy. Someone I had an immediate connection with, and really seemed to feel the same way…but in the end, it hadn’t been enough.
I would get over her, I supposed. Though having that mural taking up a whole wall of my store certainly wouldn’t help. The problem was, I didn’t want to get over her.
The rainstorm had picked up slightly during my drive into town, and I pulled carefully into my space in the alley behind the bookstore, readying myself to make a run for the back door.
I almost didn’t see her there, sitting on the stoop, illuminated by the single security light shining through the rain. But she shifted when I turned the truck off, rising to her feet on shaky legs, and all thought fled my mind.
She came back.
The rain faded to background noise, and I climbed out of the truck, ignoring the droplets of water quickly soaking into my clothes. I walked toward her on numb feet, my eyes scanning over her and my mind processing every detail.
Her clothes were wet, and while they weren’t soaked, I was reminded of the first time I’d seen her, dripping in the doorway to the store. But the wet clothing was the only similarity. This time instead of the ready smile and sparkling eyes, her face looked red, her eyes puffy. I stopped in front of her and she tried to smile at me, but it was tremulous, and I could see the hope and fear on her face clear as day. She didn’t say anything, and was clearly terrified of how I was going to react, so I did the only thing I could. I reached out and pulled her into my arms, lowering my head to press my lips against hers before my heart exploded.
Her mouth was soft, and I raised my hands to cup her face, pouring all the emotion of the day into the kiss, all the frustration, and longing, and fear, and sadness, and she wrapped her arms around me tight, and I hoped she’d never let me go.
When I finally pulled back she was crying in earnest, and laughing too, and all she could get out was, “Sam, I’m so sorry,” before I reached around her and unlocked the door, clumsily walking her backward into the stairwell before she stood on her tiptoes and dragged my head back down to hers.
I’m not sure how we made it upstairs. Stumbling and staggering up one step at a time, stopping to press her against the wall, sliding my hands beneath her shirt to feel her chilled skin, slipping on the water that puddled beneath us when we stopped, finally picking her up and carrying her up the last few steps and into my apartment.
I swallowed her apologies with my mouth, and she dragged her fingers through my hair, pulling harder when I groaned against her, tracing her jaw with my lips.
Our clothes were hard to get off, clinging damply to our skin, but we did it together, laughing, between kisses and gasps and groans, and finally I had her skin under my hands. I touched her everywhere I could, warming her with my hands and my body, and she responded just as fervently, running her hands over me like she would never get enough, holding me tight like she would never let go.
We didn’t make it past the couch.
* * *
Hours later, we came up for air. We’d moved to the bathroom at some point, where I’d urged her to take a shower to warm up. She dragged me in after her, and we warmed up together before ending up in the bedroom, wrapped in towels.
We sat facing each other on the bed, and I couldn’t keep myself from touching her, tracing the shell of her ear with a finger, or tucking a strand of hair over her shoulder, or lacing her fingers through mine. She raised our joined hands to her lips and gently kissed the backs of my fingers.
“You were right, Sam,” she finally said, her voice quiet. “It was an excuse. When I get scared or overwhel
med, I run away. I’m not used to…having real relationships. I’m sorry I left the way I did.”
I nodded, her words warming me more than the hot water of the shower had.
“I’m sorry too,” I said. “I shouldn’t have expected to you to just drop everything, all your plans, just to be with me. I said I wasn’t asking you to change for me, but I guess I was. And that wasn’t fair.”
She shook her head and looked down. “I think I could use some change,” she said quietly. “Some growing up, maybe. I think I’d like to learn what a real relationship can be like.”
I tucked a finger under her chin and tilted her head up to look at me. “I want this to work, El. I want to be with you.”
Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them back. “I want to be with you too. I want to stay here, in Fairfield, and make it work.”
I wanted nothing more. “But I don’t want you to change who you are,” I said. “You’re adventurous, and fun, and independent, and that’s the woman I fell in love with.” Her breath caught, but I pressed on. “I don’t want to tie you down and make you feel stuck.” I tilted my head and looked at her. “Maybe all you need is a home base.”
Her voice was thick but her gaze was steady on mine. “Would you come with me? When I travel? Then we can always come home together.”
I tightened my fingers around hers. “You know I will.”
She leaned in to kiss me, and I could feel her smile against my lips.“Maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong all along. Maybe my home isn't a place,” she murmured against me. “Maybe it's a person.”
“Maybe it's you.”
* * *
Follow Your Heart
Chapter 1
BRIA
Numerous scientific studies have shown that there is no actual link between the full moon and increased hospital admissions. But as anyone who has worked in an emergency department will tell you—that’s bullshit. Everything’s crazy during a full moon.