by Annie Boone
Susannah reached the house and talked to the girls about the cake. She didn’t say anything about Joshua, Jane knew it wasn’t her place to ask, and Lydia had grown too shy to even glance out the windows. So she kept the young ladies busy into the afternoon. There was bathing and hemming, stitching and reading, then time to start supper and the cake.
“It smells incredible,” Lucas called out as he stepped inside of the house. He always said that but the girls still beamed and Susannah felt a smile on her lips. That smile of his made her heart thump harder as he looked her way.
“What?” She asked, hands deep in the mixing bowl when his gaze didn’t leave. She blushed, knowing she was covered in flour and her hair was half out of its braid. If anything, the man was about to start laughing.
The two girls didn’t notice as they hummed, distracted with their work. Susannah raised her eyebrow and was determined not to let his stare affect her when he finally spoke up quietly, “You really are beautiful, even now.”
“Even now?” She echoed, and raised an eyebrow. “Is it not enough flour to charm you? Should I put a little more on my nose? Why, I even washed my feet for you.” She showed off her bare foot. “Isn’t that enough?”
He headed to their room to wash up, laughing. It made her grin and she turned back, finishing the icing for the cake that would be cooling down soon. Susannah glanced over at it by the sink, and saw Lydia walk by again, bending over to inhale the sweet spice scent. Holding back a laugh, she shook her head and kept stirring.
When Lucas returned, he was dressed in a clean shirt, had combed his hair, and even brought out the fiddle. Her heart surged with excitement and instantly Susannah felt like a young girl again, attending her first dance. Putting down the finished cake, Susannah cheered louder than the other girls.
“Do play something for us, dear.” She hurried over and watched him check each string carefully before placing the instrument beneath his chin.
They sang together—a song they knew well. She clapped and started to dance a few steps, the girls following along. With Lucas busy playing the fiddle, Susannah took Lydia in her arms first, and danced them around the room. That was one of the many lessons she and Lucas taught them, and it was one of her favorites. The way one could express their joy like that, it made her heart smile.
Lydia laughed and made way for Jane to take her turn. Susannah spun the girl around the chairs, away from all the food. This was Jane’s hardest lesson, for the clumsiness always grew worse the more she had to move. But with a steady rhythm and Susannah’s sure touch, the young lady managed to stay on her toes, and off anyone else’s.
“Now you two,” she instructed cheerfully, bringing Lydia back into the mix. Lucas paused from singing to cheer them on, and turned it into another lively tune. Susannah knew the words better than he did, and took up the singing. Just as she glanced towards the window, she saw a figure stepping up on the porch, and hurried to the door.
Quietly Joshua stepped through and she put a hand close to her lips as she sang, seeing how the two young ladies were still twirling and laughing. They crossed the room and back without even noticing their company. Susannah watched him for a second, and suddenly knew.
There were the little things, things she had noticed all her life but never realized that she knew for a long time. Like the way Joshua immediately straightened, and a brightness shone in his eyes.
Jane was taller with dark hair, and Lydia was slighter with long, blonde hair. It flew loose, framing her face beautifully. And Joshua saw the girl she had told him about. Not just her appearance, but the joy. He pulled off his hat and she caught it before it fell to the ground, the man too distracted to notice.
She caught her breath and murmured, “It’s your turn. Girls, switch!” And they did it automatically, the way she had taught them. It was sheer luck, Susannah realized, that Joshua knew what to do. Susannah’s hands wrapped around Jane’s and the two pairs were down the hall before anyone realized another man had entered the house, let alone the dance. She heard it in Lydia’s gasp. That’s when Jane faltered, and her shoulder brushed against the wall.
It wasn’t enough to catch anyone’s notice but Susannah’s, and she stopped singing and dancing in the next breath. Jane apologized sheepishly, rubbing her shoulder as they turned to watch Joshua whisk Lydia back towards the front door where Lucas brought the song to an end.
The idea had been sudden and there was no guarantee it would work. But Lydia needed to grow up and be reminded that she hadn’t come here to play. No, it was to start a new life. A grown-up life with this man.
Susannah watched carefully, walking over to stand beside her husband who gave her an appraising look. It wasn’t like her to rush an introduction after all, not when everything hinged on this moment.
Lucas put a hand on Susannah’s shoulder as Lydia’s hands slipped out of Joshua’s and the young girl looked away shyly. The man was over a head taller than her, and older. He was more experienced, and made wise by his trials.
Joshua stepped to the side of Lydia and unconsciously, Lydia pushed her hair out of her eyes. Susannah heard Jane pull in a deep breath. With the hair away from Lydia’s face, he would see the scars. Of course, Joshua knew about them, but Susannah had never focused Lydia’s scars in her correspondence with him. Lydia was so much more than her past and her scars.
She had no idea she was holding her own breath until Joshua cleared his throat. “My apologies, madam, for interrupting the dance. I know I must have caught you by surprise, but… I didn’t want to wait any longer. I wanted to join the fun and dance with you. I can leave if you like. I hardly expect you were prepared, and I would hate to interrupt anymore merriment.”
It took Lydia a long moment to catch her breath. Joshua glanced hesitantly up at the married couple, who nodded for him to hold his place. Just last week at church, Lydia had been spoken to by another young man, one who was only asking to step around her to meet his girl when Lydia had frozen up. She was used to Lucas, perhaps because of Susannah, but it was clearly something that needed to be worked through. And who best than her own husband to be? Although, Susannah decided, the silence had gone on long enough. She was just about to pipe up impatiently when Lydia nodded.
“Stay,” she whispered and then cleared her throat. “Please. I’d like you to stay. I’m sure you might even add to our merriment. My name is Lydia Cowell and I came here from New York.”
A small smile slipped onto Joshua’s tired face. Even from a few yards Susannah could see the crinkling of the man’s eyes. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Lydia. I’m Joshua Ralph, and I came by way of Nevada.”
“Did you bring the horses, then?”
He nodded. “Over a hundred.”
“A hundred!” Lydia clasped her hands together. “Oh, you must tell me. Were they wild? Beautiful?” And all the shyness had dissipated. Susannah beamed and turned to Lucas who nodded. She had been right.
“Jane, shall we bring out supper?” Susannah turned to the other girl, and led her to the kitchen. Lucas followed, trailing and singing that song of theirs on the fiddle. Jane brought out the bread and fruit basket as she grabbed the lemonade, leaving the cake on the counter.
Susannah looked at the girl and smiled her most encouraging smile. “Jane, tonight you’re hosting. Invite the other guests in and have them seated.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Rocky Ridge, Colorado; 1876
It had been three months, one week, and four days since she had told him what she knew to be true. It had been one month, two weeks, and one day since she’d fallen by the barn and grown ill. And it had been almost a month since she felt well enough to go about her chores again.
Their routine had been good for the last few years, but it had been altered after she had revealed her belief that she was barren. That day burned in her memory, and she kept turning back to it. Susannah couldn’t stay busy enough to forget, and it dragged her down. And as they started a new routine, she wasn�
��t sure she liked it much better.
He returned to sleeping in their bed, though he tried to keep space between them. Even though he kept to early mornings, she was always asleep when he arose, though she was up half the night. Lucas was there for every meal, ensuring she ate at least half her plate, and then he would leave. There was polite conversation, nightly reading, but little else said.
After a month, Susannah decided to bring it up again. She had been patient with his struggles as he had been patient with her need for healing. But she reasoned with herself that since it was something that they had to endure together, they had to come to terms and truly accept this. He’d said he wouldn’t leave her, so the barrier he had put between them had to be eradicated.
But how?
Susannah studied him from the porch, a shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders. Though it was summer, she still shivered. Her clothes still felt loose on her, though she knew she had gained some of the weight back. Slowly her appetite was returning, and they were making things work. They hadn’t taken any boarders in months, a rarity, but she decided it was probably a smart move.
“Here,” she brought him a glass of water as he worked, fixing her horse’s harness. Star noticed her and neighed softly, since they hadn’t seen each other in a while.
Lucas glanced at her in surprise. “Thank you,” he accepted it and drank as she stepped over to her horse’s stall. Once he had drained it, he set it on the workshop table and continued working with the leather. “She misses you, you know.”
Biting the inside of her cheek, she nodded. “I’ve missed her, too.” After a minute, she gathered the courage to ask him. “Why don’t we take a ride tomorrow, into the mountains? It’s been a while. We could go after church.”
She saw his shoulders tense, and it made her heart drop. He didn’t look at her then, but stared extra hard at his project. “I don’t know about that. You’re still gathering your strength, Susannah. It might be too much for you.”
“But I feel well,” she protested, still clinging to her shawl as Star nudged her shoulder. “Enough for a ride and I won’t be walking. The fresh air would do me well, if anything. And you would be there if anything happened.”
Sighing, he turned and their gazes met. The man looked at her in resignation, and she knew he had to be as tired of this as she was. So why couldn’t they just fix this? Why was he so difficult?
“Your harness isn’t ready,” he picked it up and showed her. “It’ll need a few days before it’s usable again.”
The man was about to turn away but she skipped over to him. “Then I’ll ride with you,” she offered. “Your horse can carry us both, he’s done it before. And we’ll keep it short, stick to the trail. Please?” She asked for little enough, and Susannah sought his gaze hopefully.
She saw him swallow and then his eyes came up to meet hers. Dark brown and expressive, they flickered with an expression she wasn’t sure she understood or even liked. Was it pain? Disdain for her? It worried her, making her wonder if she would lose him for good, even if he stayed. The idea that they would be in this strange routine for the rest of their lives scared her.
“A short one,” he said finally, and her heart skipped a beat in relief. “After we’ve eaten and you’ve rested.”
“I accept your terms,” she nodded and couldn’t suppress a smile. Susannah considered leaving then, but felt drawn to him, not wanting to leave his side. Though he didn’t appear to want her there with him, the young woman turned to her horse and pulled out a brush. Star needed some attention, she decided, and that way she would still be around him as they both tended to what needed to be done.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Once his terms were met Sunday afternoon, she went to him where he was taking care of the apple trees. Straightening her jacket, Susannah beamed. “I’m ready for our ride, Lucas.”
Turning to her, Lucas frowned and looked her over. Her smile faded as he spoke, “I thought you needed more rest. You look pale. Peaked.”
She had sat in the sun room for two hours, shuffling through the Bible, unable to truly focus on what she was reading.
Weighing her options, she shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine. I am fine. If I start to feel faint, I’ll tell you. Besides, you said it would be a short ride and with you, I’m not likely to fall. It would be nice to spend some time with you.”
“We do spend time together,” he muttered, turning away from inspecting the trees. “Every day.”
She frowned. “I suppose we do. But not the way we used to. I miss that. You never talk to me, and it’s… well, it’s just not like it was before. I miss it.” As Lucas headed off towards the house, she trailed after him. Though she knew she should probably wait for him to speak, she couldn’t stop talking. “We don’t have conversations like we used to and we certainly never touch. I feel like you only look at me to make sure I’m eating, which makes me feel like a child with you as my caretaker.”
He stopped at the table, and Susannah realized that might have been a poor choice of words. Seeing the stiffness in his shoulders, it made her want to cry for messing up all over again.
Though he turned to face her, he didn’t say anything. And for a minute, neither could she. Her heart jumped and grew stuck in her throat and she felt the tears swimming at the brim, ready to escape down her cheeks. Even as she tried to calmly raise a hand to hurriedly wipe one away, Susannah hiccupped and they started falling in a rainstorm. Within moments, she was bawling.
“Don’t touch me,” she cried when he reached out for her. Susannah turned red, ashamed and embarrassed and angry.
Sighing, Lucas shook his head. “Sit down, please. You’re tired. You should let me take you to bed for a nap—”
He pulled out a chair for her and she swiped his hand away. “No, Lucas. You can’t keep doing this. You can’t act like nothing is wrong. Because something is wrong, and it’s all my fault. You can’t say you care and then treat me like… you can’t treat me like this.”
As her hands scrubbed at her face frantically in the hopes of seeing clearly again, she felt his hands wrap around her shoulders to calm her. Sniffling, she watched his blurry form kneel before her. “I told you—”
“You’ve had months!” She pushed him away again, trying to catch her breath. “I know this is hard, but it’s hard for me, too. You’re not the only one who’s devastated. Don’t you see it? You’re letting this tear us apart when we should be leaning on each other.”
Lucas stared at her for a minute as she hiccupped again, and tried to find her handkerchief. After she had rubbed her eyes and blown her nose, her husband slowly brought forth his own which she used in the same manner. Though she worked on her breathing, it occasionally caught and she wiped away any more tears with her jacket sleeve. For several minutes the two of them remained still, gathering their emotions.
Finally, she shook her head. “It’s probably never going to be easy. My aunt told me about how it’s been for her. She sometimes wakes up in a sweat after she’s dreamed of a child. It may not get better, don’t you get it? I won’t suddenly feel better about not having children. It’s a scar that doesn’t go away, and your polite silence will remind me of my failing every day of my life.”
He looked down at the floor and remained silent.
“Lucas, you have an option. You could have children if you truly wanted. But I never will.”
“I told you I keep my promises.”
Their eyes met. “And I’ve given you leave to break it.” She swallowed hard, but didn’t look away. “If you choose to stay, I want all of you. I don’t want to live with a man who seems to despise me. So, if you choose to stay married to me, you’ll need to keep all of the promise we made to each other on our wedding day. The for better or for worse part. Does that mean anything to you?” Her speech came off more harshly than she had expected or intended, and she could see the hurt in his eyes. Still, she didn’t back down.
Lucas finally stretched forth his hand
s and took hers in his. She could feel their rough warmth as they buried hers away between his long fingers. He wore a pained, raw expression as he took a deep breath. “For better or for worse. That means to take what happens, come what may,” he sighed and closed his eyes. “You’re a brash woman, Susannah Tumlin Jessup, but I love you for it.”
She glanced at their hands uncertainly, unsure of what he was trying to say. Biting the inside of her cheek, the young woman sniffled and tried to read his eyes.
“I miss you,” she managed meekly. “Your smiles, your comments about the food, your jokes. I want my husband back.”
He stood up, and brought her up with him. The handkerchiefs went on the table, and Lucas Jessup took his beloved wife in his arms. Susannah drew in a deep breath, inhaling his rough scent of cedar, leather, and manly sweat. Slowly wrapping her arms around his neck, she felt the unruliness of his hair as he cradled her with his arms tightly wound around her.
“I’m here, Susie darling. I’m here.”
And for a minute, they stood there, taking deep breaths and settling their nerves. It was exhausting, the crying and confessing of her soul. He kept her on her feet and they swayed lightly. Susannah wiped away the last tear, one of gratitude that Lucas was still there. He had looked her in the eye, and now she knew that things could be better. Things would most definitely be better.
Finally, he sighed, and loosened his grip only just. “Let’s get you to bed, shall we?”
She was about to agree, but stopped. “No. Our ride, please?” Susannah looked at him hopefully, though she knew she was a mess. Her face would be red and puffy, but if she went to rest now, then Lucas would leave her there alone until the evening. And she wasn’t ready for that yet.
“You don’t even like being on my horse,” he reminded her. “You think his gait is awkward.”
“For starters,” she sniffed, “it is. But it’s less annoying with you,” she added. “And just a short ride. We don’t even need to leave the yard. I like our Sunday rides. Don’t you?”