by M. J. Bavis
“What’s up, Rosebud?”
I sighed and succumbed. “Are you busy?” I hadn’t a clue what Leo did with his days. I doubted he was registered at the university. Did he work? How did he get money?
“Rarely. You wanting another session?”
“Not exactly. I kind of need a lift.”
I didn’t have to sit on the curb for long until Leo arrived. How he managed to always be near my whereabouts was astounding—or a little disturbing?
I swallowed my pride as Leo jumped out of the car.
“Thanks for coming, and sorry about this. You were the last resort.”
“Exactly what a fella wants to hear…” He assessed the Mount Everest of shopping, amusement poorly contained in his expression. “How many people are you feeding?”
“I got distracted,” I mumbled, embarrassed. In Narun, no one stocked up as it was selfish to hoard food. Everyone picked up only what they needed from the closest market, fresh.
We filled the boot quickly and I took to the passenger seat.
“Hope you didn’t have to spend another night with a girl throwing up in your bed,” I said as Leo turned the engine on.
“Eh?”
“Lana.” I buckled up and Leo joined the main road. “She was pretty rough. I saw you carry her into your car last night.”
“Ah. Yeah, I dropped her off on the way home.” A sly smile crept up on Leo’s lips. “Were you jealous?”
“Hardly.”
“Hmm. I take it you got home safely, and Sebastian didn’t—”
“Didn’t what?” My head whipped toward him.
“Forget it.”
“No, didn’t what? Stay over? Steal a goodnight kiss?” For some reason, Leo came across uncomfortable and I liked it. “Is that why you looked like you could wring a deer when we left?”
“I told you, he bugs me.” The car accelerated a notch. “He’s all over you, all the time.”
“You’re one to talk.”
I waited for a comeback, but it never came. Instead, we fell into a loaded silence. When he just gazed ahead, his jaw firmly clenched, I angled my head away.
I should’ve given the extra groceries to a homeless person.
Gladly, the drive wasn’t long. Leo helped me carry the bags inside and I started unpacking as he ran to get the last ones.
“You must like your cereal.” Leo placed the last two bags on the kitchen table.
“Like I said, I wasn’t thinking. You want a box?”
“No, I’m good.” Leo pulled a chair from the kitchen table and slouched on it.
I carried on with unpacking. “Are you waiting for a tip?”
“I’d be waiting a long time.”
Got that right.
The bags rustled painfully loud in the otherwise quiet room. I noticed Leo take in the apartment.
“It’s not a bad flat, similar layout to mine,” he said. “How do you afford it?”
“I take part in human drug testing. Pays a bomb.” I stuffed the empty bags in the cupboard under the sink and leant against the counter. Leo’s eyes were narrowed on me menacingly. “I’m kidding. I work, remember? Gosh, don’t take everything so seriously.”
“When it’s you, all bets are off,” he muttered.
“What were you doing anyway when I rang?”
“I was at home. About to fix something to eat.”
I threw him a banana from the counter. He caught it with one hand, gave it a quirked eyebrow, and laid it on the table.
“What do you actually do with your days? You’re not really at university, are you?”
“I do temp covers and stuff,” he said. “And watch over you, trying to keep you in one piece.”
“Still unnecessary.” I walked to the lounge, plugging my phone on charge. I wondered if Anita would actually contact me and if she did, whether I’d take her up on the coffee.
“You looked nice last night.” Leo’s voice came from nearby. I pretended I hadn’t heard him. A floorboard by the entrance to my bedroom creaked as he paced behind me.
“Stop snooping. The clothes I borrowed are by the door.”
“Is that a hint for me to leave?”
Was it? I bit a lip, hesitating. “If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?”
He encouraged me to continue as he sat on the sofa. I ignored my common sense trying to pull the plug on the conversation.
“You followed me around during my… err, while I was—” I scrunched my face. “Not making the best decisions of my life.” My throat was closing. Why wouldn’t it cooperate? “What did you think of me then? As in, didn’t you think I was a horrible person for doing what I did to people?”
“What did you do to people?”
“You know.” I fiddled with my hands, unable to stop. “Used them, lied to them and then disappeared without an explanation, or without shedding a thought to the consequences.”
“Honestly,” Leo inhaled sharply, “I think you never meant to hurt anyone but yourself, like punishing yourself eased your conscience somehow. I think your mind was clouded and you thought you weren’t significant enough to cause other people hurt.”
“Come on, you must’ve thought I was a horrible person! Surely, I’d be the last person you’d want to be partnered with.”
“You weren’t yourself.” Leo’s voice came out soft like he was a different person altogether.
“Why does everyone say that? You all seem to find every explanation to justify what I did! Why can’t people just be…disgusted with me!” I had to turn away; I was losing control. Everything inside me bubbled.
“Is that what you want?” The leather sofa made a noise against Leo’s jeans. “Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes!” My hand flew to cover my face. Fight it, fight it, fight it.
Leo took his time. Part of me hoped he’d left me alone in an empty room.
“You have to forgive yourself, Kalika, and stop punishing yourself,” he finally said, firm but kind at the same time. “I know you think it’d be easier if everyone hated you, that you’d feel better, but you aren’t ever going to fit in anywhere unless you learn to live with yourself.”
I let the air flow deep through my nose, into my lungs, and out my mouth in a steady cycle. With each breath, I gained more control.
“I saw Anita today, at the supermarket.” I swear I could hear something click into place in Leo’s brain.
“First time?”
“Since last time, yes.” I paused, but as Leo remained silent I continued. “She wants to meet up, to catch up.”
“And you think she shouldn’t be so nice?”
“Why would she be nice? I lied to her and her family.”
Leo exhaled as if working on his patience. “Give people some credit. Like Tony and Jill… They know you did what you did to hurt yourself. They wish you’d let them in, so they could help you, but you keep everyone so far away.”
There was a personal note hidden loosely in Leo’s words.
“Do you know why you get to me so much? Why I can’t stand having you around?”
“You told me last time. I remind you of home.”
“That’s part of the truth.” I walked to the window, my back to Leo, looking at the view that was all England. “The whole reason is that you’re the only one who’s seen me before coming here. I mean, you didn’t really know me, but you said you saw me. And then you saw me do all those things, and you see me now.” I paused to compose myself. “You’re like a living reminder of everything I’ve done wrong. What’s worse, I can’t stop thinking what you’re thinking of me and what I’ve done.”
“Kalika.” The voice coming inches from my ear startled me. “We all make bad choices. When you left Narun you didn’t just lose your way; you lost yourself way before that.” Leo swallowed, a little too listlessly, keeping something back.
I turned to search his eyes. I wasn’t sure either of us could read each other.
“You can’t fix me,�
�� I blurted.
“I know. Only you can do that.”
We stared at each other until Leo swiped his thumb across my cheek. I flinched, and Leo dropped his arm, walking back to the sofa as if nothing had happened.
It felt like he drew out the warmth circling in my stomach as he retreated. “You hold your tongue when you’re with me.”
“That I do, Rosebud, that I do.”
“Don’t. As much as I hate to admit it, you know more about me than anyone here since we’ve grown up with the same set of beliefs. I’d rather you were honest with me. Brutally honest.”
“You can’t handle that yet, Kalika, and you know it.”
I ate up his words, unable to make myself pursue the matter. Once again, he was right.
“Now then,” Leo clapped his palms together, “are we training or what?”
Just like that my mood picked up, my eyes sliding to the chest of drawers by the sofa.
“How are your weapon skills?”
Chapter 24
“Bad idea. We don’t have any protective pads. Besides, I don’t exactly carry weapons on me.”
“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun.”
“Are you telling me you have a sword lying around in your cupboard?” Leo narrowed his eyes on me as I held up a finger, walked to the chest of drawers and pulled out a hard, black case from the bottom drawer.
His interest piqued, he stepped over to me. “Are those what I think they are?”
I handed over the case and Leo took out one of the Sai daggers, sliding his finger along the pointed metal, down to the two curved prongs projecting from the handle. The metal glinted as it had on the day I earned them.
He let out a long whistle, picked up the other dagger, and gave me a dirty look. “It’s illegal to bring them here.”
Oops. I had genuinely forgotten: weapons earned on the Guard were to be handed in upon retiring. Or becoming a fugitive.
“I—I wasn’t thinking straight when I left. I thought they might come in handy.”
“Where’ve you hidden them all this time?”
“I’ve had them in storage in Leeds since I left Narun. I picked them up when I decided to settle here.”
Leo spun the dagger and wielded the air. “Wasn’t my choice weapon, but these are nice—light, firm grip.” The blades produced a familiar ‘whoosh’ as they cut the air. My prized possessions pirouetted in Leo’s hands, inches from his wrists. Choice weapon or not, he was familiar with the Sais.
“When was the last time you used these?” Leo pricked the sharp tip of one of the daggers and placed both back into the case.
“I haven’t used them since I left Narun.”
“Not even for a test drive?” He scoffed as I shook my head. “Then there’s no chance we’re practising. The last thing I need is you splitting your wrists before the engagement dinner. Jill would never forgive me.” Leo was about to slam the case shut but this time my hands were quicker.
I grabbed the daggers and retreated a few steps. “Don’t worry, she doesn’t know we’re on speaking terms. Let alone training. At least not yet.” My fingers wrapped around the handles as I flipped them so the butt faced forward, my index finger straight along the handle. The feel of the cool metal, down to the weight on my hand, took me back years.
I spun the daggers from defensive to offensive hold, two fingers securing over the curved prongs, and back again. The rapid grip changes came easy.
Instincts were a marvellous thing.
“That’s great. Now—put them away.” Spoilsport.
“You’re welcome to disarm me.” I pictured blocking off imaginary attacks, speeding up as my coordination cooperated.
“Seriously,” Leo growled. “Stop showing off. You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“Please.” I carved the air into beautiful figurines. “I know what I’m doing. Here.” I tossed one Sai to Leo and he caught it. The next second, I struck, forcing his hand to defend. The metal clanged as the daggers clashed, the prong guards jamming into each other.
“Stop,” Leo ordered. “We’re not training with weapons.”
I winked, drugged by the surge of power the Sais instilled into me. “Then disarm me.”
Leo shoved against me and then pointed the butt end of the handle towards me. His other arm rose defensively. “Seriously, I’m not doing this.”
I stepped back, but struck again, plunging to the left, and then the right of him, my blade colliding with his.
Leo’s reflexes were extra sharp with weaponry. I’d have to ask what his choice weapon was. Suddenly, something occurred to me, something so obvious I wondered if I had always known it.
I knew exactly how to win. And oh, how badly I want to win.
“I bet you twenty I can take you down.” I swapped the dagger to my left hand.
“Great, you’re one of those,” he sighed, “thinking you’re invincible with a blade. But I ain’t game.”
I ignored the underlying warning in his tone, rolled my wrist a few times, and charged at him. He dodged, and void of choices had to fend off my attack. I let Leo lock me in a grip, my Sai’s sharp end twisted towards my arm.
“Happy now?” he snarled in my ear. “You lost your bet and I’m confiscating your blades, psycho.”
Think again. I pressed against the sharp blade. Leo’s hold loosened as his dagger met resistance against my skin.
“What are you doing?”
“Winning.” I thrust forward, barely grimacing as the fine blade cut into the skin on my upper arm. Immediately, Leo’s arm went limp, and the Sai clang to the floor. I tripped him over and crouched on top of him as he hit the ground, pointing the dagger to his throat.
“Having fun losing?”
For once Leo’s thoughts were clear as a summer sky. First, came the shock as his rounded eyes saw drops of blood fall from my arm onto his T-shirt; he thought he had hurt me accidentally. Then the penny started its downfall as the skin around his eyes tightened and his nostrils flared. Before the muscles on his face had turned fully livid, I quickly backed away.
Leo got up slowly—focused—causing a shiver to run through me.
I attempted a smile, aware it would not bend the tight line of his mouth.
Leo twisted my wrist, his thumb digging in. With a slight groan, I unclenched my fingers and let him take the dagger—barely smeared in blood—still in my hand. Leo picked up the other one and shoved the daggers on top of the drawer.
It was then the pain from the cut registered. Blood flowed in warm trickles down my arm, reaching my wrist. Simple flesh wound, a small price to pay.
I aimed for the bathroom, but a hand locked around my better arm, forcing my shoulder close to my ear.
“You—” Leo dragged me to the kitchen and yanked a chair from under the table. “Sit.” The chair slid a few centimetres with a screech as he rammed me on it.
I assessed the bleeding wound. “It’s just a cut, a scratch really.”
“Don’t—just don’t,” Leo bit out, his rising temper rolling off his shoulders in waves as he tried to control himself.
I pulled a face at his back as he marched towards the bathroom, returning with a hand towel. I winced at the heavy-handedness as he pressed the towel on the cut. Sympathy would be hard to tease out of him now.
“You think that was clever?” The pressure didn’t give as Leo pulled a chair in front of me and lifted his leg on it rather than sitting down. His stare left little wiggle room.
“You’re the one always telling me to use my gift. So, I did.”
“Cheap. Shot. You ever do that again and I’m done training you.” Leo’s tone was more of an accusation than a threat, although I had little doubt he meant every word.
“It doesn’t work like that and you know it,” I stated calmly. “I don’t make up other people’s weaknesses; I just know them. Why you’re so bothered if you hurt me, is your weakness, not mine.”
Leo’s teeth gritted, and it reminded me of a wolf snarling. He sta
rted wiping the blood from my arm.
“Don’t ever do that again,” he maintained. “You don’t win a fight by letting go of your defences and hurting yourself! It should be common sense.”
I bit my lower lip and pretended to examine the cut again.
This wasn’t the first time I was having this conversation and he wasn’t the first person to call me up on it.
Leo tossed the bloodied towel over to the sink. “Where’s your first aid kit?”
I pointed at the drawer by his feet. As he rummaged it, I stepped to the kitchen sink. The water ran a faded red as the rest of the blood washed off. When I turned the tap off, Leo handed me some kitchen roll to dry off.
“Sit down so I can have a better look.”
Bossy, bossy. How long was he going to stay sour?
“It’s only shallow and you’re overreacting.”
“You might need stitches and you shut up.” Leo pinched the skin to determine the depth of the cut. I whimpered more for protest than pain.
He disinfected the wound, fastened a bandage onto my upper arm and tapped it twice, ignoring my huffing. Then, he straightened up.
“I’m taking those daggers, and I’m booking you an appointment with a psychiatrist.”
“This has nothing to do with the daggers. I can handle them.”
He pointed a finger at me. “Consider it the price to pay for letting you off easy. You’ve also officially killed training for the rest of the day.” I figured as much. “Which leaves me no reason to stay.” Tight-jawed, Leo walked out of the kitchen. His slightly rounded posture stamped the guilt into my chest.
“Wait—” I went after him, and he stopped, only to turn his head to the side. I swallowed hard. “Don’t be angry.”
Leo’s shoulders widened, lifting his posture. “What difference does it make? I thought we weren’t friends.”
“We’re not,” I hurried to say. “But…you’re not intolerable either.”
Leo faced me, keeping a hand behind his back. “Fine. I’m not angry.” He faked a grin. “Happy?”
I racked my brain trying to come up with something to say, all the while wondering why I felt the need to make amends. “Thanks for the lift.” I dropped my gaze, feeling warmth rush to my cheeks. What the heck is wrong with me?