by E A Carter
I wake to a brutal strafe of a menstrual cramp, so sharp it robs me of the details of my dream of Ryan. I sit up and rub my abdomen, but it doesn't help. Amadi sits, eyes closed with his back against a tree, his legs pulled up and his arms resting on his knees, his basket beside him.
I scramble to pull my jumpsuit back on.
'Don't bother,' Amadi says without opening his eyes. 'I've already seen you.'
I stop. I don't know what to think, or do, so I just wait. I weirdly wonder if he thinks I'm attractive, then feel ashamed for thinking it.
'I brought you something,' he says and pushes his basket over to me, his eyes still closed.
'If you've seen me,' I say, 'why are you keeping your eyes closed?'
He shrugs. 'Just waiting for you to give me permission to open them, I guess.'
I peer into the basket. At first I don't know what I am looking at, it's just a big clump of what looks like a nest woven with tiny fibres. I reach in and pick it up. It's soft, dense, and the color of night.
'What is it?'
'It's for your period,' he says. 'It's a nest from the bat birds, or whatever they are. They eat the rushes and regurgitate them into this material.'
'You stole their nest?' I ask.
'Well, it's an old one. So no. They abandon them when they are done.'
I look at the gift he has brought me with new eyes. It's densely made and feels like it can absorb a lot. I tear free a piece that can fit into the gusset of my underwear.
'You really think of everything,' I say. I look back at him to check if his eyes are still closed. They are.
'You're quite beautiful,' he says out of nowhere. 'You made my day when I came back. You laying there sleeping naked is the nicest thing I have seen in a long time.'
I wait. He still doesn't open his eyes. I pick up my jumpsuit to put it back on.
'You can open your eyes,' I say. He does.
He gives me a long look. I have seen that look before. I put the jumpsuit back down. And then he kisses me. And I realise I am ok with that.
Once we start we don't stop for a long time. I don't know what it is, but it's not love, or even attraction. It just is. It's the need to feel someone there, to be close, to have that contact and considering we ride each other like animals it seems we are starving for that. When we are done, the sun is at its lowest point, which means we have been fucking for hours. The air stinks of us, of sweat, of him, of my period. Of sex. I feel good. The period cramps are gone, and I feel lighter and happier than I have in a long time. I turn to look at him. He smiles through his beard at me.
'I should have brought you a nest sooner.'
And I laugh, because it's true, and because he's nice, and because maybe it's not so bad after all to be like this, free, alone, and the rulers of this world.
We sleep on the same side of the fire now. I don't know what I feel for Amadi, friendship at least, affection at most. Nothing more. The sex is rough but good. It satisfies something deep inside me, anger maybe, I don't know. But I give him as good as he gives me. There is no tenderness between us. I don't think there ever will be. Sometimes he says Adiana's name when he comes, sometimes I say Ryan's. Neither of us talk about that.
While we work, we speculate who's in the pod and make up stories about them, where they lived, what they looked like, what they ate and owned. I wonder if it's the Prime Minister. He says he hopes the fuck not. I ask him if he knew him. He nods but doesn't look happy about it. That's as close as I have gotten to knowing who Amadi once was.
I also wonder what my companion looks like under his beard and dreads. I ask him what he looked like before and he tells me I couldn't handle it, that it's better like this so he doesn't break my heart, which makes me laugh. He never asks anything about me. I don't ask him why, but it troubles me, because his lack of curiosity tells me something, I just can't figure out what.
It's been a month since we found the pod. It perseveres in stoic silence on its cold, monolithic journey, its passenger frozen in a moment of time ten thousand years old while we sit and swelter in the sun, stripping leaves from vines and wearing nothing more than our underwear to 'stop the insects from getting into our cracks' as Amadi puts it.
'What if it's a woman?' Amadi asks.
I look up from my work. He tilts his head at the pod. 'Inside?'
'Is that what you're hoping for?'
'Hell no. One woman to find nests for is enough. It's a long walk.'
I laugh, but my heart isn't in it. I know whoever is in there is going to end what me and Amadi have. It won't work, three of us here, surviving together. And unless it's a child, no matter who it is, man or woman, or how decent they might be, the sex will make it weird and create tension. It always does, just like it did with Zee. The jealousy, the anger, the threats. I don't want to go through that again.
'I hope they don't make it,' I say and lean back on my elbows to avoid his look of condemnation.
'I get it,' he says. 'It works like this. It's easy. No stress.'
I close my eyes, and let the heat of the sun's rays drift over me. 'It's too easy,' I say. 'That's why something is going to fuck it up. Even here, the same rules apply.'
THIRTEEN | AMADI EZENWA
* * *
I'm a total bastard. Cassandra deserves to know I met Ryan. That he's out there, probably still alive, or whatever it is that he is, believing she's dead. But I can't. He called me a selfish fuck. And he's right. I want her for myself. If I tell her the truth, she'll go looking for him and won't last three months. I can't let that happen. Even thinking about being alone again makes me suicidal. No. Not that. Not again.
I don't think too much about the possibility we might cross paths with Ryan. The odds are slim, plus I doubt he will come back here, to Alpha VII, or if he were going to look for Cassandra here, he would have done it by now. No. He's long gone. His search for Cassandra will be over by now. It's been more than two months since I last saw him. He'll have given up. He's probably gone back into hibernation for the next several thousand years.
I did the right thing. I'm a man, made of flesh and blood who has to think of survival. Ryan is a machine who knows nothing about using vines as materials, or nests, or sap, or beetles. He's pointless. In a place like this, she needs me, not him.
Still. I am a bastard.
Cassandra shifts in her sleep and nestles closer to me with a soft sigh. She trusts me, though I have stolen this trust from her, not earned it. It's the middle of the night, but I can't sleep. Call it guilt, but it hit me yesterday and I can't shake it. It was what she said about things always fucking up, and it felt like she was predicting something, like it was on the cards, that no matter what I do, I'm going to lose her.
I'm thinking about leaving the pod, like I left hers. Maybe in this place the right thing to do is the wrong thing. Being selfish is all that matters. Whoever is in there could ruin everything. Another woman would be a nightmare. The jealousy would be terrible. It could be so bad one of them could kill the other. It needs to be a man. But then, what about me? Another man could become territorial, and I will have to deal with the whole alpha dog thing. No matter which way it goes, it's shit.
The easiest thing would be if whoever is in the pod doesn't make it, like Cassandra said. I ease myself free of Cassandra's lithe, hardened body and leave our shelter. In the low light of the Arctic summer night I go to the pod. I'm an engineer. All I need to do is figure out how to shut it down, something I have never thought about before. When Cassandra wakes, whoever is inside will already be dead. She'll think it just happened. And then it will be over, the waiting, the worrying. The fear. Then it won't fuck up. We can head south while we still have five months left of light. We'll find a place by the sea, and if we're lucky there will be fish or maybe molluscs. Real protein. No more fucking beetles. I can't wait.
Apart from the slow bleat of its blue light, the panel gives away nothing of the pod's inner workings, or how to end the life of the person inside. There
is a blank screen where I presume readouts would show when it's not conserving all its power to keep its passenger alive. I wonder at the longevity of its functioning. All I managed to get out of the technician as he prepped me for sleep is they are powered by minuscule neutrino reactors—cutting edge shit I'd only heard about in theory. Whatever they used, it works. And now its technology is lost, forever. I fall back onto my haunches and consider the pros and cons of forcing the lid open. Would it kill whoever is inside or would they survive?
Fuck it. I get up and run my hands along its seam, looking for a good purchase. If they are still alive. I'll just strangle them. They will be too weak to fight back. I want out of here. I want it to end.
The lid's metal is cold, but I tighten my hold and shove. Nothing. I throw my weight into it, and push until my feet slide back in the cleared earth. Still nothing. Pissed off, I push harder. Now I have started, there's no going back. I'm already thinking of the coast, the fish, the life me and Cassandra will have on our terms. I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing this for—
'Once a murderer, always a murderer.'
I turn. Ryan Maddox stands a little way behind me, looking as fresh as he did the day we parted, still sporting the same three days' worth of stubble on his jaw. I don't know why I fixate on this detail, but I do. It annoys me how he is above all the suffering I have had to endure. He never feels hunger, or thirst. Doesn't age. He's strong. And he is here for one thing. This is it, this is where it all fucks up just like Cassandra said. Only not for her. For me.
'Didn't decide to drown your sorrows in hibernation, then?' I snap.
He glances at the shelter. 'She in there?'
I nod. I won't be able to stop this. And even if I try, once Cassandra learns the truth, it will be all over. I lied. I fucked her. I violated her trust right to its core.
'Does she know,' Ryan asks, dangerous and quiet, 'that I am here?'
I don't answer, because by the way he's looking at me he knows the truth. I won't give him the satisfaction.
'You fuck her?'
'What do you think?'
'I think you did,' Ryan says. His eyes bore into mine, cold, promising pain. 'I think you lied, and lied, and lied, to get what you wanted.'
'You're a fucking machine,' I say. 'I'm human. I was protecting her. Us.'
'From what?'
'From extinction.'
The muscles in his jaw clench. 'You don't give a fuck about the human race. What you did at the barrier proved that. You only care about yourself.'
He turns and heads to the shelter. He's going to take her. I can't just stand here and let this happen. I can't be alone again. I can't.
'Wait.' I know I sound desperate, pathetic even, but I don't care. He stops but doesn't face me.
'What happens to her if you shut down, or break, or I don't know, stop functioning? She will be alone. Here. I know how to survive, you don't.'
He looks over his shoulder at me, hits me with the depth of his contempt. It makes me feel like a worm. 'It turns out none of these things can happen to me,' he says, 'I'm here for the long haul. You, however, will not be.'
He ducks into the shelter. All I can do is stand there, helpless. A coward. A murderer. Alone.
FOURTEEN | CASSANDRA VALLIS
* * *
I dream of Miro, of the evening I let her sit on the dining table in the apartment of Alpha VII and eat my leftover grilled salmon from my plate, of luxuriating in her contentment. It's been two days since Ryan has disappeared. I don't know where he is or if he will come back. I'm thinking about him—about the man I love buried inside the body of a brute and of my conflicting feelings for him—as I run my hand along Miro's back and savour the softness of her new, glossy fur.
'Blue.'
My heart skids to a halt. It's Ryan's voice. Not the one with the Slavic accent. The one I knew from The Jackpot. I turn, but he's not there. Nothing but the dim lighting of the empty apartment faces me.
He says my name again, right above me. I look up, certain I will find him there, whole again. Emptiness confronts me. I glance at Miro who washes her whiskers, oblivious to Ryan's voice, the one she always ran to. Frustration claws at me; I sense he's right there, beside me. I wonder if de Pommier has terminated him now he's served his purpose. Hollow, I cling to the sensation of his nearness as the apartment, the table, and even Miro fade away; memorise the low, warm resonance of his voice, once so familiar, now lost to me, perhaps forever.
Behind my eyelids, the slick of newborn tears salt the lonely wound of my heart.
'Blue. Wake up.'
The muggy heat of the shelter hits me. I don't dare open my eyes. I don't want to break this spell. I can't.
Please, I implore whatever entities rule this strange world, let it be real. Let this not be a hallucination from the plants I ate yesterday.
The merest touch against my lips. I know this. Ryan would do this with his thumb before he kissed me. I catch my breath.
'At last, I've found you,' he breathes. His reverence makes me shiver. 'Blue, look at me. I'm here.'
I open my eyes. Ryan crouches beside me, his arm on his thigh. Real. Solid. Alive. Strong. His look aching with love, laden with ten thousand years of longing. He's exactly the same as when he carried me to the pod, as if time has stood still for him, even though I know it has not. His lips part, and he exhales, slow. All I can think is: This is where it begins.
'See you on the other side,' I whisper.
He smiles and brushes my stray tears away. 'See you on the other side.'
And then his hands are on my face and his mouth is on mine. His passion tears into me, seizes my soul, silences my sorrow. I don't care that he's a machine. Inside, where the tech stops and Ryan begins is love, and it's enough. More than enough. I want him to love me. And before long, he does.
When at last we emerge into the brilliant light of a new day, Amadi is there. He sits with his back against the eternal silence of the pod, alone and lonely. I want to feel sorry for him, but I am lost in a haze of happiness and it blunts my ability to empathise with Amadi's loss. Or, is it loss? No. It can't be. There was no love between us—only a companionship born of survival. I cannot regret him. I feel nothing for him. There it is. The truth. We become what we must to endure what is unendurable.
Ryan stops in front of Amadi. A spark of hostility flares between them, silent but lethal. 'This is where we part ways.'
Amadi hits Ryan with a look the force of a sledgehammer, but says nothing.
I wait for it to make sense, to understand their animosity and why Ryan intends to leave Amadi behind—and why Amadi is doing nothing to stop it.
'You going to tell her,' Ryan asks into the lengthening silence, 'or do you want me to do it?'
'I'll do it,' Amadi gets to his feet. 'Over there.' He tilts his head at a cluster of trees a little way away—the same spot where he brought me the nest for my period. Where we first fucked. I follow after him. Tension radiates from him, eats into my happiness. He stops. Takes a deep breath. I glance back at Ryan, but he's got his back to us.
'I lied to you,' Amadi says.
I search my mind but can't imagine what it could be. 'About?'
'The pod I found.' He cuts me an oblique look. 'It was yours.'
For a beat I have no idea what he means, then: 'That was Adiana's pod. I thought you said—'
'No,' he interrupts. 'It was yours. I waited beside it for six months.'
'But I'm alive,' I point at myself as if to confirm the obvious. 'You said she didn't wake up.'
'You didn't. Not when I was there.'
And there it is, what I had suspected all along, that he uses words to mislead. He says nothing more, but he doesn't need to. I don't want to hear any more of the words he uses to conceal everything and reveal nothing. I turn and look back at Ryan, who's watching us, his eyes hard. I sense he wants to kill Amadi but I can't understand why.
I work through what I know: The hostility between them could only come from
them knowing each other before Amadi met me. The pieces work their way together, shape themselves into a rough, ugly thing, built with lies. Amadi knew where my pod was. He was here for almost two years. He must have crossed paths with Ryan who was still searching for me. When they reached my pod, I was already gone . . . and Ryan had no way to find me. But, I only woke up a couple of months ago, they must have just missed me. And then, it hits me with the force of a tidal wave that decimated New York in 2069—
'You were with Ryan,' I breathe. 'And you didn't tell me.'
'That's about the size of it,' Amadi says. He doesn't apologise or try to explain himself. It just is.
'You motherfucker. You let me believe there was only us left. If we hadn't come across this pod we'd be halfway to wherever you wanted to go and Ryan would never have—'
'You fucked me, too,' he says as if that makes everything alright.
My knee is in his groin before I'm aware of what I'm doing. He topples over with a strangled cry, curls into a foetal position. I kick him a second time, for the times he fucked me, for his lies, his selfishness—for being a man who thinks he has the right to decide my fate, to take what isn't his, just because I'm a woman.
He pulls himself up into a crouch and eyes me from under his brow. 'I didn't want to be alone,' he pants through his pain. 'I offered to help find you, but he fucked off. He blamed me for not waiting long enough. It was six months. Six fucking months I waited, how could I know when or if your pod would ever wake you up?'