by Masha Leyfer
And then it will all be over.
I turn around to leave, but my path is blocked by the barrel of a gun. I freeze, bomb still in hand. The time is ticking down.
1:57….1:56...1:55…
“Well, well,” the voice holding the gun says. It’s an unfamiliar male voice. “Look who’s trying to stir up trouble.” I stand still. After a moment, several more people rush in, one of them Ben. I see that his right shoulder is bleeding, but he holds his gun with his remaining good arm.
“You tried to kill me,” he says. “And now, I’m going to kill you.”
“Kill me and this place goes up,” I say. I am surprised at how steady my voice sounds. The three guns pointed at me mean nothing when I set a two minute countdown to my own death. And even that seems insignificant now.
“Oh?” the man says.
“See this? This is a bomb. See the count? It goes off in one minute and thirty seconds. And then this place blows.” I feel very calm too. I’m not at all fazed by the certainty of my impending death.
“And if we don’t kill you?”
“I can turn it off.”
“Then turn it off.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“You die if you don’t turn it off.”
“I know.” I stare Ben straight in the eye. “You have one minute.”
“Goddamit,” Ben shakes his head. “Alright, you two, evacuate the building. Get as far away from here as possible. Go. Go! Hurry!”
The two men run off, I assume to get anybody else who is still in the building. Ben turns to me. I watch the timer count down. It’s at fifty seconds.
“Any last words?” he asks.
“I don’t regret this.”
“Good. Enjoy your last seconds.” Then he shoots me in the leg. I try to suppress the urge to cry out, but the pain is too sharp and too sudden and the scream escapes me. I collapse to my knees and watch Ben’s feet run away. I gasp for air as pain shoots up my leg. I begin to shake, still clutching the bomb tightly. Part of me is oddly relieved that nobody else will go up with the building. They will make it.
But I will not.
All the calmness I had before disappears and I am filled with explosive panic. I am rapidly filled with desperation to live, with the insuppressible desire to live, to survive, to see a tomorrow. Every second, every breath is a golden moment.
I want to live.
That’s all I can think.
I don’t want to die. I want to live.
I watch blood flow out of my leg in a stream, collecting in a puddle around my quivering palms and I know that I want to live.
Twenty seconds.
I want to live. More than anything in the world, I want to live. I haven’t lived enough. I haven’t loved enough, hated enough, done enough. I try to shout something, anything, to make my last mark on the world, but all that comes out is a gasp.
I want to live.
There is so much I haven’t done, so much I haven’t seen, so much I haven’t said. I don’t have enough regrets, enough memories, enough marks, enough scars, enough words, enough breaths.
I want to live.
I need to live.
For the first time, I see the true value of life and I want to live. I’m ready to live like never before, in colors more vivid. I’m ready to live a life where every breath has meaning.
My body shakes from the life leaking out of me.
I want to live.
Please, I want to live.
Five seconds.
In a last, desperate attempt to save myself, I let go of the bomb and throw it into the air. It curves slowly above me then explodes mid arch. And then, everything goes dark.
CHAPTER 31
I wake up somewhere dark and warm. I don’t feel pain, but there is a dull ache all over my body that is particularly sharp in my leg and arm. After I regain feeling in my fingers, I move them a little, groping around at my surroundings.
Bedsheets. A mattress.
A spark of fear jolts through me. Where am I? I clearly remember what happened.
And I should be dead.
Why am I not dead?
Could it be that I survived?
It is dark, so I can’t see where I am or if I’m alone. I see two options. Either I was taken captive by the CGB and everything failed or...could it be? I’m safe back at camp and we succeeded. I am afraid to find out for a moment, but my curiosity bests my fear. I try to call out. My voice is weak and sounds more like a rasp than anything else.
“H-hello?”
“Molly!”
“Nathan...is that….is that you?” His voice is full of relief. I try to prop myself up, but it sends jolts of pain through my back. “Nathan, where are you? I can’t see you.”
“I’m right here. Shh, don’t move. I’m getting a light.” I see a spark and then the light of a candle. I look around. We are in a tent and I am lying on a cot. It’s the infirmary, I think.
“Nathan…”
“I’m right here,” he says pulling a chair up to my cot. “This is the infirmary.”
I laugh.
“And I’m alive?”
“Yes, you’re alive.”
I laugh again. A thousand emotions flood through me. These are all the motions I was afraid I would never feel, but now I have a chance to live them all. I don’t even ask how it’s possible that I survived ground zero. I can find out later. The important thing is that I made it. I made it.
I made it.
For now, I just revel in the miracle of my survival.
I’m alive. I have the chance to live an entire life. I’m going to live the most beautiful, wonderful life, and it begins today, and all I can do is laugh. I repeat the words again.
“I’m alive,” I laugh. “I survived. I can’t believe it, I survived.”
“Yes.”
“And the base?”
“Gone.”
“Everyone else?”
“Is safe.”
I laugh again.
“So we won.”
Nathan smiles.
“Yes, we won.”
“Mh,” I say. I’m suddenly extremely tired again. I look at my arm, trying to locate the pain. I see that it is bandaged. I must have been hit by shrapnel. I look back at Nathan and feel something I’ve never felt before, stirring deep inside my stomach. It’s a strange mix of extreme happiness that he’s here now and worry for...something. I look into his eyes and all my insides boil. I stretch out my good hand and he takes it. I want to tell him everything. I want him to know how I feel.
I want him to know that I love him,
For the first time in my life I love somebody and it’s him, but all I can say is, “Nathan...you look terrible. When’s the last time you slept?”
“Three days ago.”
“Three days ago? Are you nuts? You have to get some sleep. Now.”
“You’ve been out for three days,” he explains. “I’ve been...Molly, you scared me to death. Never do that again, you promise? Never.” His eyes begin to tear up. “I thought you were dead. I thought I would never see you again. I thought…”
I can’t take it any longer and I can’t bear to see him cry. I take my other arm, even though it sends a jolt of pain through my shoulder, and pull him toward me in a kiss. It’s the only way I can think of that will get him to shut up. But it feels so natural.
His right hand ends up on the back of my head, our other hands still locked together. I don’t feel pain anymore, only him. A passion boils deep inside of me, as if it has been waiting all this time to be fed. The entire world disappears until it is only us. Only me and him, here, safe together.
The places where our bodies meet tingle with energy. My mind explodes with sparks. I wrap my arm tighter around his neck. Nathan presses me tightly to himself. I run my hand over the muscles on the back of his neck, the soft hair on his head, the coarse stubble on his cheeks.
I survived death. And Nathan stayed
here by my side waiting for me to come back to life.
We must have been kissing for a long time, because when we finally break apart, I am out of breath.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you too.,” he whispers back and we begin to kiss again. I feel so happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. I am finally right here, right now, not worrying about anything, not torn apart by the weight of the future. No. Now, I am freed by the levity of the present.
Suddenly, Nathan pulls away.
“What’s wrong?”
“What?” I mumble. “Nothing’s wrong.”
“You’re crying.”
“What?” I bring my fingertips to my eyes and find them wet with tears. “Oh. I don’t know. I’m just happy, I guess. In love.”
Nathan smiles.
“Me too,” he says, wiping my tears away with his thumb.
“Sit by me,” I say and begin to slide over to give him room.
“No, don’t move. Give me a moment.” I let his hand go as he pushes another cot towards mine. I watch him and I can’t help but smile. He’s so wonderful, how could I not smile? He lies down on the cot and intertwines his fingers with mine again.
“Nathan, can you tell me a story?” I ask. “Any story. I just want to hear you talk.”
He smiles at me. His smile is so radiant, I feel the temperature in the infirmary go up.
“Alright. Hmm. So, you can’t see the stars from inside this tent, but you know that there are stars out there. There are millions upon millions of billions of stars. That’s the entire visible universe. That’s everything that we will ever know. Can you imagine how vast that is? That’s already outside of our comprehension. But that’s not it. Outside of that, there is even more. There are hundreds, thousands, millions more galaxies, maybe even more life. The universe is infinite and time is infinite and we’re just a blink. Less than a blink. The two of us are too little to even count. We live. We die. We disappear. And that’s it. We stop. The universe goes on. And we don’t count. We aren’t remembered. We vanish. But you know, tonight, tonight it is different. Tonight, we count. Tonight, there is nothing more important than us.” He turns and smiles at me. “Tonight, we are the universe.”
I smile back at him.
“That was beautiful,” I mumble. “Thank you Nathan.” I lean over to kiss him on the cheek. “Get some sleep, alright?”
“Hm.” Then I roll back over to my cot and we fall asleep with our fingers still intertwined.
CHAPTER 32
The next morning, I stand up, with Nathan’s help. I can’t put weight on my bad leg yet, so I walk with a heavy limp. Nathan kisses me quickly on the cheek before we walk out and I notice that his beard is unshaved.
“You look like a mess,” I whisper.
“So do you.”
“Shave your beard.”
“I kind of like it this way.”
“For Christ’s sake.”
“What? You don’t like it?”
“No.”
“When did you become so judgemental?”
“I just died. I have the right.”
He laughs and kisses me again.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Ready to face the world?”
“Am I ever?” I groan.
“Sure you are. Let’s go.”
With my hand slung over his shoulder, I stumble out of the tent. It must be fairly early, because Big Sal is the only one who is up, melancholically tending the fire. When she sees us come out, she jumps up and sweeps me into a bone crushing hug. I yelp out in pain.
“Molly, my dear, you’re alive!”
“Yeah, I am,” I chuckle. “Ow.”
“Oh my, I’m sorry, darling, did I hurt you?”
“No, not really,” I say, leaning back against Nathan for support. “That was just a very, um, vicious hug.”
Big Sal laughs.
“Prepare for more, darling.” Indeed, at the sound of our voices, more people rush out from their tents with a general chorus of Molly! and everybody simultaneously tackles me into a hug. The hug is so sudden, that I trip and fall. Somebody pulls me up and I laugh. Emily slaps me gently, something I’ve taken to be a sign of affection from her.
“You goddamn idiot.”
I laugh.
“Thanks, Emily.”
Mike and Smaller Sally come out of their tent. Seeing me, they rush up. Mike sweeps me into a hug that lifts my feet off the ground.
“Molly, thank goodness, you’re alive, you’re alive.” I laugh again, also entranced by the unlikely miracle.
“I know. I can’t believe it,” I say. Smaller Sally hugs me next, carefully avoiding my wounds.
“You’re really an idiot, you know that? Thank goodness you’re safe.”
After everybody has hugged, congratulated, or insulted me, Big Sal again brings out two bottles of brandy.
“The tea will be ready in a moment” she says.
“Thank you.”
She distributes the brandy then entrusts me with a cup of hot tea.
“To Molly’s survival!”
“To Molly’s survival!” everyone echoes and we drink. I turn to Nathan.
“Is it Saturday?”
“I think so. Why?”
“I just wanted to know. This all feels so surreal, I need something quantitative.”
“Eighty,” he says.
“Eighty what?”
“Eighty more years to live.”
“You think I’ll live to be ninety-seven?”
“Maybe more.”
I laugh. I don’t believe him, but today isn’t the day to argue.
“Maybe I will.”
“As long as you’re happy.”
I hug him.
“I am.”
Nobody does anything that day. Big Sal bakes an enormous cake, a luxury we generally don’t see on top of the mountain. Mike excuses us from doing anything for the next week. I remember his words. After all this is over…
And it’s over now. So what happens next?
Big Sal firmly instructs me to stay in the infirmary for several days more and not to do anything particularly strenuous.
“You watch over her, Nathan,” she says. “Or she’ll jump into another disaster.”
“Alright, I will. I promise,” he promises.
Later at night, Nathan leaves me for a moment and Mike comes in.
“Have you come to replace Nathan?” I ask. “To make sure I don’t kill myself again?” Mike smiles.
“No, I just came to see how you’re doing. I know I can’t hold you from stupidity. I’ve tried before, but here you are.” He sits down on the edge of Nathan’s cot. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling fine.”
“Does your leg still hurt?”
“A little.”
“And your arm?”
“Not as much. It’s okay.”
“Molly, you could have died. You almost died.”
I note that he called me by name.
“I know,” I say.
“What were you thinking?”
“We had to win,” I say simply.
“It’s not a win if it’s without you.”
I smile.
“That’s very sweet of you to say, but it’s not true, Mike, and you know it isn’t.”
Mike sighs and looks at the other side of the tent because he knows I’m right, he just doesn’t want to admit it.
“Mike, how did I survive? I mean, that was ground zero.”
“Part of the ceiling collapsed in a way that protected you from the blast.”
“Oh.”
“Did you throw the bomb, or?..”
“Yeah, I threw it. The people who were inside, do you know if they…”
“We didn’t find any bodies.”
“Oh. Good. I know that they’re the enemy, but still, I would rather not…”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence un
til Mike speaks again.
“Molly.”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For letting you run off to die and not being brave enough to do what you did and not even having the words to thank you now that it’s all over.”
“It’s okay, Mike.”
“I know you want to save the world, but start by saving yourself. Just promise me you’ll...You’ll take care of yourself”
“I promise. We’re safe now, aren’t we? You said yourself that when all of this is over, then things would be different.”
“We’re not done completely. We still have to overthrow the local governments.”
“I know, but we’re close, aren’t we? For the first time, we’ve really come close.”
“We have.”
“So what now? Do we still remain the Rebellion?”
“We don’t need the CGB to be the Rebellion,” Mike smiles. “Even after we have long become obsolete, we will always be the Rebellion.”
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
I try moving my leg gingerly. It pulses with pain every time I put weight onto it, but I’m glad that I feel anything at all. It means that I get to keep my leg. I don’t know how fast gun wounds heal, but I hope that I’ll be able to walk alone within a month.
I hear the flap of the infirmary tent slip open. I turn around, expecting Nathan, but instead, I see the Kerman father.
“Mr. Kerman. Hello.”
“Hello, Molly,” he says gruffly. “I just wanted to say that I’m happy you’re alive.”
“Oh. Um. Thank you,” I say, but he has already left the tent. I can’t help but smile. Just as my leg wound will heal, so will all of the relationships that have been severed by the lost years. We can regain all that we’ve lost and live again.
I smile again.
It’ll be alright.
Everything will be alright.
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
Later that night, Nathan lies next to me on his cot again. We lie in silence, both of us staring at the fabric on the top of the tent. I think about the night we danced under the oak tree and for a second, I think I hear the music again.
“Nathan, you still awake?”
“Yeah.”
“Help me up. Let’s dance.”