I look around me. There is nowhere to sit. All the tables are full and crowded. I see Demi and Tia from this morning sitting at the back on a long table. Not knowing what else to do, I drift over. Then I realise Ashley and her friends are sitting there too.
They all look up as I walk over, their bright faces blinking at me. They don’t say anything, and Demi even smiles at me, but something thunders inside me. I remember what I overheard in the toilets and my head feels hot. Suddenly I do not want to be there with them. They will ask questions. They will judge me.
I turn around.
I hear one of them suck her teeth. “See. She’s so moody.”
“Yeah – what was that even about?”
I want to tell them that I’m not moody. I’m just scared. I don’t even know what I would say if I sat with them. How would I ever fit in? I’m kidding myself ever thinking I could.
Tears are stinging my eyes. I look around. There is nowhere else to sit. This place is too full, too loud. I need to get out.
I’m just about to walk away when someone touches my arm. I freeze and then twist my body. Kenny is standing behind me.
“Hey,” he says. “You OK? How was your morning?”
I stare back at him. I don’t know how to answer. I’m standing there holding my food, feeling miserable and lonely. I can’t tell Kenny how awful my morning was and yet I can’t bring myself to lie to him. My tongue is stuck in my mouth.
Kenny’s eyebrow lifts a little and he looks backwards at the table he’s just stood up from. “Never mind,” he says. “Why don’t you come and sit with us for a bit?”
My eyes widen. I can’t help it. “You don’t mind?” I say.
I glance at his table. I’m guessing this group are older: Year Tens, probably. A mixture of boys and girls. One of them smiles at me – a girl with long hair so dark it looks blue. I begin to relax.
“Of course not,” Kenny says casually. “What’s family for?”
EIGHT
BEFORE
Stephanie caught up with me on the school playground. It was the day after I’d spoken to Mary in the kitchen. Stephanie’s face was twisted into a sneer and her eyes blazed with a cool force that made me look away. Behind her stood a huddle of friends, whispering and giggling. I tried to turn away, sensing trouble, but it was too late. She wasn’t going to let me go.
“What did you say to my mum?” Stephanie said. “She was on my case last night! Telling me I have to try to be nicer to you.”
The girls laughed harder. I didn’t speak.
“What is it about you?” Stephanie demanded, pushing forward. “Why do you keep clinging on to Mum like some kind of sad loser? Do you really think she wants to hear your problems?”
“She was asking me …” I stammered. “She kept asking. I didn’t say anything really. I just told her that I didn’t think you liked me.”
Stephanie snorted. “Well, that’s true.”
“Your mum wanted to help,” I said. “She wants me to be happy.”
Stephanie laughed. “No. She doesn’t.” Her words cut into me, like a knife to my stomach. “She just feels sorry for you. Is that what you want? For everyone to feel sorry for you?” She laughed – it was a hollow, hard sound. “You know, I was actually excited about you coming. I thought you’d be fun. Interesting maybe, but instead all you want to do …”
“What?” I whispered, barely able to challenge her. “What do I want to do?”
“You want my mum,” Stephanie shot back. “And I told you before, it’s not happening.”
“I—”
“We were better off without you,” she hissed. “You never should have come.”
NOW
Kenny sits down next to me at the dining table and introduces me to the group sitting with him. “This is Dan, James, Ellen and Kelly.”
I smile shyly at them and say, “Hi.”
“Was everything OK? You looked a bit wound up,” Kenny says.
I start to open my sandwich, still feeling really awkward. “It’s just been a stressful morning. I’ve not found it that easy.”
Kelly leans forward. She’s the girl with the dark hair. “First days are always tough,” she says. “Don’t stress, you’ll get used to it.”
“I should be used to it by now,” I say. “I had to go to two primary schools and a different secondary school before this one.”
“It still doesn’t make it easy, does it?” Kelly says gently. “Kenny was telling us about you. He told us that you moved in recently.”
I feel my cheeks get hot, but Kenny nudges me and says, “It’s cool, Amy. These guys understand.”
Dan leans forward now. He has floppy blond hair and a lazy smile. “It’s no big deal to us,” he says. “I was in care for a bit, with Ellen.”
I glance over at Ellen. I see their similar smiles and large eyes. They must be brother and sister.
“Yeah, I’m Year Eight too,” Ellen says. “But I don’t think I’m in any of your classes, which is a shame.” Her smile widens. “But you can still sit with us at lunch and breaktime. I know what the girls can be like. They’re nosy, that’s all. They’ll soon lose interest once something else comes along.”
“You think?” I say, feeling a dart of hope.
“Sure.” Ellen sits back, looking relaxed. “It was hard for me and Dan for a while. There were all these rumours going around school that our parents were some kind of psychos, that they couldn’t take care of us.” She shakes her head. “It was pretty difficult to deal with at the time, but we did.”
“We were in a care home for a while until things got better at home,” Dan says quietly. “I mean, it’s still not perfect now. We have social workers checking on us all the time and there are still … problems. But it’s OK.”
“School is fine most of the time,” Ellen says firmly. “In fact, sometimes it can help.”
I feel so warm inside. It’s like all the icy walls I built around myself are melting away at last.
Kenny turns towards me. “There are people here who understand,” he says.
“Yeah,” says Kelly. “We’re not all so bad.”
I take a bite of my sandwich. I can finally eat and start to relax. The sounds of the dinner hall don’t seem so loud any more, and at our table I allow myself to sit back and listen to the rest of the conversation. I even join in at times, sharing some of my experiences of my last school, being at the Gibsons’ and some of the friends I had before. It’s not so bad, opening up. In fact, it’s refreshing.
By the time the bell goes again, I feel so much lighter.
The afternoon passes much faster. The last lesson is English, my favourite, and I end up sitting next to a girl called Hannah. She is quiet at first but still friendly. We have to work together on a comprehension piece, and I discover she is actually pretty funny and makes jokes about the work.
“I hate Shakespeare,” Hannah tells me, pulling a face.
“Really? Oh, he’s not so bad,” I say. I don’t admit to her that Romeo and Juliet, the play we are studying, is my absolute favourite. I don’t want Hannah to think I’m a total geek.
“How are you finding it here?” she asks as the lesson comes to an end. “Have you made many friends?”
I think of lunchtime and shrug. “I guess I’m getting there.”
Hannah grins. “Well, maybe we should hang out sometime,” she says. “I can introduce you to a few people.” She gives me her number. “Message me. We’ll sort something out.”
The bell rings and I nod at her. “Yeah, that’ll be great.”
Maybe today hasn’t been quite as bad as I thought.
Gemma told me to meet Kenny after school. Although she drove us in this morning, I think she would like me and Kenny to walk to and from school together in future. I find Kenny waiting by the main entrance. He is flicking through a huge book. He holds it up as I approach.
“It’s about Python,” Kenny says. “I borrowed it from the library. It should keep me busy
.”
I look at him blankly. He might as well be speaking another language.
“Coding,” he says. “Python is just another method. I need to get better at it.”
“OK.” I nod.
We start walking down the main road out of school. It’s pretty busy with parents picking kids up and groups gathering together. We have to weave our way between the crowds.
“It’s not far,” Kenny says. “We’ll take a shortcut through the park.”
I don’t know the town that well, but it seems pretty small. You could probably get to most places within half an hour.
“Have you always lived here?” I ask Kenny.
He nods. “Yeah. I guess that’s kind of boring?”
I pull a face, thinking about this. “I dunno,” I say. “I think it’s kind of nice to stay in one place.”
I know the one place I would have stayed if I could.
If I’d ever had a choice.
We walk down the street towards the house. I’m still getting used to how nice this part of town is.
“It must have been quiet growing up here,” I say. “No trouble at all?”
Kenny hitches up his bag higher. “I guess.” He looks over at me. “What was the last place you lived at like – the Gibsons’?”
“Well, it was much bigger than my nan’s house,” I say. “But it always felt more cramped because they had lots of stuff. Collectables and things. But it was OK – I had my own room, and the house faced a green, so I could play outside.”
“And that was the main home you lived in after your nan’s?” Kenny asks.
I flinch a bit – I can’t help it. “There were a few other places first. One didn’t work out and the others were only temporary.”
Kenny nods. “And the Gibsons were meant to be permanent?”
“Yeah.”
The burning feeling returns to the pit of my stomach. I know Kenny doesn’t mean to upset me, but I hate going over these things again. It never gets any easier.
“So what—” Kenny begins, but sees my face and stops walking. He holds out his hands as if to say sorry. “Do you know what? You don’t have to tell me. I’m being really nosy, I know.”
“No, it’s OK.” I lower my head so I don’t have to meet his intense stare. “I mean, I don’t really like talking about it, but it’s OK to ask. The truth is the Gibsons didn’t want me there any more. My foster mum, Mary, made up some excuse about not being well, but I’m not sure I believe that. It was too stressful for her. I used to argue all the time with her daughter, Stephanie. We really didn’t get on – Stephanie knew how to wind me up. I knew Mary couldn’t handle it any longer.”
“Oh,” Kenny says. “That sounds harsh.”
“Mary wants to stay in touch and stuff,” I tell him. “My social worker said I should, but I can’t face it.”
“Do you think there’s more to it? Maybe Mary feels bad about what happened?”
“I doubt that,” I say.
“But surely if—”
“No!” I snap. “Mary made her choice and I made mine. That’s the end of it.”
We walk in silence. Kenny tries to restart the conversation, but I don’t bother answering. I’m too tired. I just want to get back to the house and shut myself away again.
The truth is that the breakdown of the Gibson placement really shook me up. I really hoped that it would be my forever home. I wanted it to work out between me and Stephanie and I still do not know what I did to upset her so much.
I think that’s what really gets to me. The confusion. The fact that I can never truly understand what I did wrong. And if I can’t understand that, how can I stop it from happening again?
As we approach the Dawsons’ house, my heart tilts a little. Could it really be different here? Could I really allow myself to believe that this is my new home?
As we go into the house, I hear Gemma on the phone in the living room. I turn to Kenny and indicate that we need to be quiet. He nods and gently closes the front door.
We pad towards the kitchen. Kenny is now ahead of me – he’s already rummaging around in the fridge looking for something to eat. I can hear Gemma loud and clear. Her voice is so bright and sharp it would be difficult not to listen. When I hear her say my name, I freeze. It’s like I’m trapped there in the kitchen doorway, having to hear Gemma’s words. I should walk away of course, but I don’t. I stand there instead and make myself listen.
“Yeah … I know,” Gemma says. “That’s exactly what I was saying to Graham last night.”
Her voice has lowered slightly, so I creep back towards the open door of the living room. My body feels stiff and heavy. I’m so scared I’ll make a noise. I stand between the open door and the staircase and continue to listen in. I feel bad doing this. It’s nosy, isn’t it? It’s wrong. But at the same time, Gemma’s talking about me. Surely I have a right to know what she’s saying?
“Like I say, we discussed this together, Clare.” Gemma’s voice is quiet now. “I’m really sorry, but we can’t go forward with the placement. It won’t work for our family. I have to consider us all in this.”
I’m not even sure how I make it up the stairs, but I do. I tread carefully, even though my feet feel like they’re made of lead. Sickness gurgles in my stomach and my head is spinning.
They don’t want me. They don’t want to go forward with the placement.
I don’t work for the family.
Their family.
I stagger into my room – except it’s not my room, is it? For a moment, I simply stand in the space, looking around me, wondering how on earth I could’ve thought that this would work. Downstairs I hear the sound of Kenny and Gemma talking in the kitchen. She is off the phone now. I wonder if they even know where I am.
Where even am I?
Where will I go now?
I only ever belonged in one place and that wasn’t at the Gibsons’ and it’s clearly not here either.
I walk over to the wardrobe, quickly pack my bag and then shove it under the bed. I will wait. I will wait until this evening, until everyone is distracted by TV and computers, and then I will leave.
I will go back to the only place I have ever belonged. Where I can’t be rejected and moved on again.
I’ll go back to my only home.
NINE
BEFORE
I was writing in my journal when Stephanie came in. All I wanted to do was talk to Nan again, to tell her how I was feeling and how much I missed her. I just wanted five minutes on my own to get my head together and stop my upsetting thoughts from taking over. But Stephanie couldn’t even give me that.
“What you doing?” she asked.
Her voice broke my focus. I looked up to see Stephanie standing in my doorway, her expression a mixture of curiosity and smugness.
“Nothing,” I said, and tried to slide the journal under my duvet.
“What’s that … What are you trying to hide from me?” Stephanie strode towards the bed. “Oh my God, is that actually a diary?”
“No,” I said. “It’s not.”
“It is.” She smirked. “You’ve got a diary, haven’t you? Let me see. I bet you’ve been bitching all about me.”
Stephanie shoved me, which surprised me, as she’d never been physical before. She was as fast as a cat, grabbing my book and turning away from me, clasping it to her chest so I couldn’t reach.
“Give it back!” I yelled.
“Oh no …” Stephanie’s fingers began to poke at the pages. “I want to see what you have to say … What’s this? Oh … Stephanie winds me up. She’s mean all the time …” Her eyes widened and she laughed. “Oh, Amy. What have you been saying about me? This isn’t nice at all … What will my mum say?”
I could feel the heat rising in my body. “Give it back!”
“And who is this you’re talking to? Oh my God – it’s your nan.” Stephanie laughed again. “You’re writing to your old dead nan. How sad are you?”
It was at
that moment the world turned red.
NOW
I stay in my room, waiting for the right time. Gemma pops her head in to see me. She asks if I’m OK, but I tell her I have a headache and I want to rest. I think she sees my pale face and believes me. Gemma asks if I want any food, but I tell her I feel too sick.
A bit later, Graham brings up a plate of sandwiches and crisps anyway. He tells me to eat what I can manage. I can hardly stand to look at his face, even though he’s smiling kindly. I wonder if he just feels sorry for me. Maybe they all do. I wonder when they are planning to tell me their decision.
At least I can save them the trouble now.
*
It’s much later when I slip out of the house, and quieter too. I wait until Kenny is shut away in his room and Gemma and Graham are settled in front of a film downstairs. I put some music on in my room and put the cushions under the duvet so it looks like my body is snuggled under there.
Getting out is a little harder. I pick up the bag I packed and I also take the sandwiches that Graham gave me – I might need them later. I have to chuck my bag out of the window first, and then ease my body through the tight gap. Luckily my window overlooks the back kitchen extension, so I have a nice flat surface to land on. From there I jump neatly into the garden and then make my way out of the side gate.
I am out. I am gone.
I have enough money to get the night bus back to Slatesbourne, and that is where I am heading.
There is no point being here now. Unwanted. I can’t stand the thought of being moved on again. Who knows what would be next for me? Another care home? Another temporary foster placement? Another family promising me a permanent home? I don’t think I have the energy to deal with it all again.
I know the truth. I have known it for too long now.
I am alone in this world.
There’s only one place I’ve ever really belonged.
I get on the night bus two streets away. The driver hardly looks at me as I pay my money and shuffle to the back of the bus. I try not to look at him just in case. I know Gemma and Graham will have to report me missing when they see I’m gone. They might even get into trouble for letting me escape. I wonder if they’ll be angry with me.
Know My Place Page 5