by Paula Stokes
“Holy crap.” Steve chuckles. “You move fast. When I told you to find a better guy than Jason, I didn’t mean in one day. You don’t want to rush into a rebound thing.”
“You’re probably right,” I say. “Maybe the best thing is to just spend some time alone.”
Saturday, my dad really needs me at Denali. I go in, praying that Micah isn’t working, even though I know he’s scheduled. My heart sinks like a rock when I see the Beast parked in its usual corner spot. I sit in the Civic for a few seconds, making extra sure there aren’t any tears near the surface. Stay in control. Stay in control. Stay in control. I’m good. I can do this.
I breeze through the front door like everything is fine, like I’m coming off the most epic night of my life. Ebony and a new part-time girl are working the front. Neither of them even look up as I head to my locker in the back. I have to walk past Micah in the prep area to put my purse away. He’s buried up to his elbows in bread dough, humming along to the music on his headphones.
Ebony gives me her spot at the cash register. For once I’m glad to be trapped out front. The new girl’s name is Piper. Apparently she’s one of my mom’s former students. Whenever we need anything from the back I send her to go get it. The longer I can go without facing Micah, the better. Eventually Piper is in the middle of ringing people out and I have to go back and ask him for some peanut butter cookies. I can barely choke the words out but he seems completely fine as he plates up a dozen for me, like he’s coming off the most epic night of his life.
He doesn’t go off on me or ignore me the whole day. Instead he does something that manages to hurt even more. He goes back to treating me the way he did at the beginning of the summer: distantly, politely, like I’m a customer—one who orders a lot of blended drinks and doesn’t tip. If he had any feelings for me, he’s managed to turn them off, like flicking a switch. I wish I had that power. My whole summer would have been different if I could have gotten over Jason in a nanosecond. But then you wouldn’t have gotten to know Micah.
Okay, maybe I don’t want that power after all. But I want the pain to go away.
Leo doesn’t seem to know what happened so he’s still talking to us like we’re all friends. “You read The Prince yet?” he asks, smearing tomato sauce on one of Micah’s hand-tossed pizza crusts. “Deceit. Betrayal. Totally your thing.”
Totally my life.
“No, I’m done with strategizing.”
Leo sprinkles the pizza with shredded cheese. “So you gave up on your ex too?”
“Yeah. Turns out we’re not as compatible as I thought.” I swear I can feel Micah’s eyes on me, but I’m too afraid to look up, too afraid I’ll see him staring straight through me. “But thanks for all your help. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, let me know.”
Leo furrows his brow as he tops his pizza with sliced mushrooms and green peppers. “There is one thing.” He puts the pizza in the oven. “Bianca. She’s one of your best friends, right?”
I’m thinking right about now she’s my only friend. “Yeah,” I say, not really understanding where Leo is going. “She’s off today.”
“Is she dating anyone?”
“Oh.” I force myself to smile. “So Bee is the girl you’re interested in?” Now I get why Leo was so anxious to plot warlord style with us. I steal a peek at Micah. He’s, like, four feet away but his music is so loud I can hear the tinny echo from his earbuds. He might as well be four miles away. “No. She’s not.” I struggle to stay focused. “You know, she’s really smart like you. She wants to be a doctor. You should totally ask her out.”
Leo looks mortified. “Is there any way you could maybe find out if she’d be interested?”
“Yeah, I can do that,” I say. “But remember. We’re talking about Bianca. If she’s not interested, she’s going to be so nice about it that you’ll walk away feeling even better than if she’d said yes.”
“I know. But I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. Especially since we have to work together,” he says.
“Right,” I agree. “You wouldn’t want things to be awkward at work.” My eyes flick over at Micah again. He’s scooping out cookie dough with an ice-cream scoop. The dough balls land neatly and evenly spaced on the warped, silver sheet pan. If he feels awkward, I sure can’t tell.
Chapter 36
“TO SECURE OURSELVES AGAINST DEFEAT LIES IN OUR OWN HANDS.”
—SUN TZU, The Art of War
After work, I convince Bianca to meet me at Hallowed Grounds, Hazelton’s other coffee shop, the one where no one knows me.
“So what do you think of Leo?” I ask, trying to be coy. Bee has never had a serious boyfriend. She’s definitely been asked out, but she always refuses and ends up going to school dances with friends. I don’t know if it’s because she’s so focused on getting a scholarship or because her overprotective family scares off any guy who shows an interest in her.
“Leo?” Bianca pulls the chopsticks from her bun and sets them on the red lacquer tabletop. She shakes her head once and thick waves of black hair cascade over her shoulders. She looks down at her iced chai. “I don’t know. Why?”
“Because he likes you.”
She giggles. Seriously a giggle, like we’re back in sixth grade and the cute boy from Massachusetts who sat behind her just pulled on her braid. “Why would you even say that?”
“Ohmygod. You totally like him.” My jaw drops a little. “How did I not know this? You loooooooove him!”
“Shh.” Bianca’s honey complexion is rapidly turning red. She takes a long swill of her drink. “I do not love him.”
“But I can tell him you’re interested?”
She looks up from her drink. “Are you sure he likes me?”
“Why? Because you’re so hideous and unlikable?” I tease. “Of course I’m sure. He told me.”
“I figured he probably . . . you know.” She twirls her straw violently. The ice cubes clink together in the environmentally unfriendly plastic cup.
“What?” I feel like we’re having a conversation in a foreign language where I can only translate every other word.
She looks up at me. Her eyes are soft and dark. Nervous. “Liked you,” she finishes.
I almost choke on my drink. “No chance. He’s a really cool guy,” I say. “But it’s not like that with us.”
“What if it’s not like that with you, but it is like that with him?” Bee asks. “I don’t want to be the girl who gets used so some guy can get close to her popular friend.”
“I swear, Bianca. He has never even flirted with me. Apparently he has liked you for weeks but is too shy to do anything about it.”
“Really?” Her face lights up like a stained-glass window. Right then I know I will kill Leo if he ever hurts her.
“Yeah, really,” I singsong. “If I had known you liked him sooner I would have let you be his pseudo-date. How come you never told me?”
“Well, I knew he was trying to get back with Riley. And also, I knew you’d pressure me into talking to him, even if I wasn’t ready.”
“Why would you say that?” I ask. I remember Kendall forcing me to talk to Jason during our freshman year, how terrified I was that day. Bee is making me sound exactly the same, which is not cool.
“Because that’s your style, Lainey. And you think it works for everyone.”
“That’s not true.” I am stunned that Bee feels like this. I had no idea.
Bianca’s eyes narrow. “What about Shaun Demetz, sophomore year? You sent him a carnation-invitation to the Turnabout Dance and signed my name to it.”
“You told me you liked him and I knew he would say yes.” I huff. “Come on, Bianca. He does other people’s math homework for fun. Were you really worried about getting rejected?”
“He gets paid for that,” she says. “And it wasn’t rejection I was worried about. I just wasn’t ready to have a boyfriend and I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. I didn’t want to have to blow him off a
fterward.”
I try to remember what happened after the dance. “But didn’t you guys go out for a while?”
“Yes,” Bianca says. “Because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But eventually I had to. Not everyone is always moving at fast-forward like you.”
“Moving at fast-forward? I feel like I’m the one stuck on PAUSE while everyone else makes these epic future plans. You’re going to Mizzou to be a doctor and Kendall wants to go back to New York. I’ve got nothing except soccer, maybe. I’m going to end up as that girl who peaked in high school.”
“You’ll have epic future plans someday too,” Bee says. “You just have to figure out what you want to do. And if you don’t get a scholarship, then you can play wherever as a freshman and try get a scholarship somewhere bigger the following year.”
“You think?” I never thought about doing it that way, working my way up from a small school to a larger one. And then I realize I’ve made this conversation all about me. I have a feeling I do that a lot. “Forget it. What about Leo? You want me to tell him to hold off? He’s a good guy. I don’t want to see him get crushed.”
Bee giggles again. “I’m not sure if it makes sense for me to start dating someone now, but I’ll talk to him next time we work together. You know, if you and Micah would just admit you’re still crazy about each other, then the four of us could all hang out.”
“Micah is not crazy about me.” I shudder. “He won’t even look at me. He looks through me now. I’d say he even hates me, except that would require actual emotion on his part, and I’m pretty sure I don’t rate that much.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t believe it. I bet he’s miserable too. But if you want him, you might have to fight for him.”
I let my head fall to the tabletop. “For the love of all that is dead and Chinese, please, no more fighting. This army needs a break.”
“Forget The Art of War,” Bee says. “Use ‘The Art of Lainey.’”
I peek up at her. “I’m pretty sure that book will not be getting published anytime soon.” But she’s right. It’s like I told Leo. I need to work with what I’ve got . . . even if I don’t know exactly what that is. The good news is I can’t really mess things up worse than I already have. “But what if I can’t fix things?”
I fully expect Bee to go into cheerleader mode, to tell me I’m being dramatic, that everything is fixable. She definitely takes a Disney-movie view of the world most days. But today she surprises me. “At least you’ll know you tried,” she says. “And then we’ll go run until you’re too tired to hurt. And then we’ll get ice cream.” She smiles again. “But only one scoop.”
Chapter 37
“WHEN YOU SURROUND AN ARMY, LEAVE AN OUTLET FREE. DO NOT PRESS A DESPERATE FOE TOO HARD.”
—SUN TZU, The Art of War
A week passes. It’s Friday night again, maybe the first Friday night of the summer that I don’t have plans. Kendall hasn’t called me since the blowup at Beat. Pretty sure she’s waiting for me to apologize for calling her a bitch. I’m still pissed over that crack about not being able to defend myself. Standing up for yourself is about more than flinging barbed-wire insults around. It’s about picking your battles, knowing when to fight, knowing exactly what and who is worth fighting for. If only I had figured that out a little bit earlier.
I’m out in the backyard with my soccer ball. It stormed all day so the grass is wet and the ground is soft. Mud spatters up on my shins as I dribble the ball around a trio of weirdo totem poles my mom just got from some online hippie warehouse. They remind me of the tribal masks I hung up at the coffee shop. I swear there is no escaping the creepy leering faces around here.
I cut around the third totem like it’s a defender and shoot the ball at the back door. Goal. I’ve been practicing soccer a lot. Maybe I am good enough to score a Division I scholarship. So what if it’s not Northwestern? It would be cool to go to Mizzou with Bee. It’s worth a try.
Things are almost back to normal at work. By normal, I mean how they were at the beginning of the summer, when Micah and I had nothing to say to each other. My insides feel like someone is processing them in the bean grinder every time we cross paths so I’ve been staying out front as much as possible. I tried to talk to him twice—I swear I did—but the first time I trapped him in the manager’s office and he looked so uncomfortable that I just let him go. I remember thinking: Do not pursue an enemy who simulates flight. Yeah, it’s like The Art of War has become part of me. Even when I’m not thinking about it, I use it.
The second time I ran into him outside after a shift. He was leaning against the Beast smoking a cigarette and I thought maybe he was waiting for me. But before I could even make it across the parking lot, he got a phone call. I could sense it was her—Amber. I passed him up, went straight to the Civic.
But he smiled when he answered his phone. I saw that much from the safety of my car.
Which I guess will be my brother’s car again soon. As much as I’ll miss it, it’ll be good to have Steve back.
My phone buzzes on the picnic table.
911. Call me.
It’s a text from Bianca. I’m pretty sure I’ve never gotten a 911 from Bee before. She just isn’t dramatic like me. I call her back and she picks up on the first ring.
“Is everyone okay? Your grandmother?”
“No, no everyone’s fine,” Bee says. “It’s Leo.”
“What about him?”
She swears in Spanish. “He’s picking me up in two hours. We’re going to Tony’s.”
“The Tony’s?” I whistle. “Nice.” I’m wondering if Leo is blowing all the money I just returned to him on one date. Talk about aiming to impress.
“I know,” Bee says. “But it’s our first real date and that place is so elegant. Everything I try on makes me look fat and my hair is extra huge since it rained earlier and I look so terrible I’m thinking about canceling.”
She sounds close to tears. Bianca is always the one calming everyone else down. Who would’ve guessed she couldn’t work the same magic on herself?
“Relax,” I say. “Remember the dress you wore to the state championship dinner? The navy blue one with the sequined shoulder straps?”
“Yeah.”
“Wear that.”
A pause. Deep breath. “You don’t think it’s too short for a fancy restaurant?”
“Nah. Wear flats if you’re worried about it.”
“Good idea. Now if I only knew what to do about my hair.”
“Why don’t you come over?” I suggest. “I’ll plug in my flat iron and we can tame it down a little.”
“Really?” Bee sounds so hopeful. “Don’t you have plans tonight?”
Plans. Let’s see. Micah isn’t talking to me. Kendall isn’t talking to me. The two people who still are talking to me are going out for a romantic dinner together. My parents have a better social life than I do. “My plans are to live vicariously through you,” I say. “I’ll be waiting.”
Bianca shows up about twenty minutes later in her navy blue dress. It hugs her curves in all the right places, but the humidity from the afternoon storm has made her hair twice as big as normal. I go after it with my flat iron, keeping the heat on low so it takes out some of the body but doesn’t completely obliterate her thick waves.
“You are a lifesaver,” Bee says, watching her hair return to normal size in the mirror. “Will you do my makeup too?”
“Sure.” I dig through my top drawer where I keep all my cosmetics. “So. Tony’s, eh? Pretty swank for a first date. I don’t even think my parents can afford that place. Is that why you’re so nervous? Thought you weren’t even sure if you wanted to date Leo.”
Bianca blushes. “Well, we’ve been talking on the phone for the past few days. You’re right. He is kind of funny. And smart. And it turns out he’s thinking about going to Mizzou too.”
“Sounds promising.” I line Bianca’s upper and lower lids with deep charcoal eye pencil and hit her
lashes with black mascara. I highlight her eyelids with blue and gold shadow to match her dress. I’m in the process of picking out a lip shade when I stop. She looks perfect. Radiant. There’s no need to smother her in makeup so she’s unrecognizable.
“You’re finished,” I tell her.
She crinkles her nose at her reflection. “No lipstick? No blusher? No bronzer?”
“Bronzer?” I laugh. “You’re the most naturally bronze person I know.”
Bee smiles. “I love it. I look like me. Only better.”
“You’re stunning,” I agree. “But you could have gone in your running gear with no makeup at all and you’d still be stunning.” My voice almost cracks. “You’re always stunning.”
“Lainey.” Bianca’s dark eyes turn liquid. “Are you really going to leave things like this with Micah? If you can’t talk to him, why don’t you at least text him?”
I slump my shoulders. “Because I’m afraid he won’t text back.”
“Aww.” Bee throws her arms around me. “I feel bad leaving you alone when you’re sad. Maybe we can go someplace more casual and you can come too.”
“Dude,” I say, swallowing back the lump in my throat. “This is your big date and you’re letting me make everything about me. You are totally the best friend a girl could ever have. Sometimes I wonder why you don’t just tell me to get lost.”
Bee reclines back on my bed. “Elaine Mitchell. I’ve been your friend for ten years. You’re family. Maybe I want to strangle you every once in a while, but I will never tell you to get lost, okay? I would miss you too much.”
I pull her up off my bed and twirl her around in a circle. “The best. Seriously. Go enjoy your fancy dinner. I can’t wait to hear all the intimate details.” I wink. Bianca reddens again.
After she leaves, I flop down on my bed with my laptop and skim through a few gossip websites. I can’t really get into them. I check my email. There’s a message from my brother.