by Tina Gayle
Ice hit his fingers. He released the button and stared at the frozen cubes.
Jillian Wilson is hot.
The first time he’d met her at his brother’s birthday party, he took one look and had fallen hook, line, and sinker. The way she filled out her tight jeans and the twinkle in her eyes spoke to him. He wanted to make love to her on the spot.
Of course, that was until his brother and Michael had reminded him about the dangers of his job. Coupled with her old-fashioned values, both represented two very good reasons to stay clear.
And they’d been right. While they’d dated, she had been unbending in the marriage- before-sex department, making the current situation even more perplexing.
Why was Jason worried about her being pregnant? Was she sleeping around?
His mind jumped to another possibility. Was she here to meet a man?
That thought sent him into a tailspin.
No way.
His determination stiffened.
When he’d arrived at her hotel room earlier, he’d been ready to tear her apart for playing around with his brother. Then when she’d opened the door, looking as sexy as ever, his thoughts of tackling her had turned to lust rather than anger. Her doe-brown eyes had greeted him with suspicion. Her body displayed an off-limits sign. Yet, her sassy red lips and curvy hips teased him with unfulfilled promises. He’d wanted more than answers. He wanted her soft and willing beneath him.
If she needs a man, I’ll be more than happy to apply for the job.
****
Shut the door and lock it! screamed Jillian’s survival’s instincts. Who was she kidding? Derek would just start pounding on it again.
The conversation she’d had with Jason six weeks ago had made sense. She’d felt lost and alone after her father’s funeral.
Now it’s different.
Derek would never understand.
Wrestling with her conflicted emotions, she sorted the should-dos from the want-to-dos, and concluded that she didn’t care. He had dumped her over a year ago anyway. Who cared what he thought? She didn’t need his approval. She could do whatever she wanted.
Walking into the bathroom to retrieve the cups from the vanity, she stared at her flushed face in the mirror. How could she get through this evening with some dignity?
“Jillian?”
She strolled out of the bathroom. “Did you think I flew the coop?”
He turned and set the ice on the dresser. She handed him a cup.
“Well, the thought did cross my mind.” His hand briefly touched hers, and they both pulled away.
Jillian edged past him. The room had shrunk with his return. “Look, Derek, I told you I would explain and I will.” She filled her cup with ice and turned to get some water from the bathroom.
He blocked her path.
“Okay, why don’t you get started?” He covered her hand with his, and exchanged her cup for an empty one. Examining his long fingers, she envisioned those hands on other parts of her anatomy.
When he released her, she drew in a deep breath and glanced into his eyes. Something dark and mysterious flickered in their depths. Not anger, yet something just as dangerous. She shivered. “What do you want to know?”
His left eyebrow arched. “Why don’t we start with the conversation you had with Jason several weeks ago?”
He turned and stepped toward the bathroom. She filled the empty cup in her hand with ice. “Well, as you know, my dad died several weeks ago from a heart attack. Jason attended the funeral.”
“Yes, he told me about it. I’m sorry, Jillian. I really liked your father.”
“Yes, well, after the funeral, I was tired of being surrounded by people and I needed to get away. Michael had a reservation at the local motel because we had so many overnight guests staying at our house.” Emotions bombarded her as she remembered that day’s events. The house so full of people, yet the one voice she had wanted to hear had been absent.
“Anyway, Michael suggested I use his room so I could leave. Jason was staying at the same hotel, so I rode over with him.”
She turned. “Jason's room was right next door.”
Derek sat on the bed, his back against the headboard, his arms folded over his chest as if he had no plans of leaving anytime tonight.
“The two rooms had a connecting door.” Jillian passed him on her way to the bathroom to fill her cup. She continued with the explanation upon reentering the room.
“When we got there, I decided I didn’t really want to be alone so we opened the dividing door and I went into Jason’s room to talk.”
She paced across the tan carpet to the far wall and gazed out the large picture window. Traffic crawled on LBJ, each car holding a lone individual encased within its shell. Their drivers imprisoned inside, with their wants and needs hidden by the car’s shiny exterior, were oblivious to the pain experienced by the passengers inside the neighboring cars. Stuck in suspended animation, stifled by pressure from every direction, each was stranded in the knot of passage.
She closed her eyes and fought the heartache of never hearing her father’s laughter again. Her voice cracked as she continued. “We talked about the future, what we wanted out of life. Jason explained how he planned to ask Kelly to marry him, where they would live, and how many kids they would have.” Jillian glanced at him to see if he understood. “You know, the kind of stuff people talk about when they’re planning their future.”
His intense gaze burned hotter, but he nodded his agreement without saying a word.
“Anyway, I started talking, and by the end of the night, I had a resolution for my personal problem. I called it my pregnancy plan.”
She stopped and looked back out the window. How should she explain her plan? Developed in the heat of the moment and based on solid logic, the plan had merit, but the subject matter wasn’t easy to discuss or accept.
“A pregnancy plan?” His words rang from directly behind her. She could feel his breath on her neck, his heated gaze on her back.
“Yes, a plan on how to get pregnant.” Frustration and anger bubbled inside her like they had that night. She wrapped her shaking hands around her cup and willed them to be still. “Look, I don’t mean to sound rude, but it really is none of your business what I do. I’m not involved with Jason.”
She turned and his unwillingness to cooperate showed in the slight narrowing of his eyes. “You can rest assured I have no plans to break up Jason and Kelly.” After glancing back out the window, she sipped her drink. “And what I do is none of your concern.”
Derek laid his hand on her shoulder and she jumped. “What are you afraid of?”
Jillian turned and stormed past him, not wanting nor needing his sympathy. The short length of the room quickly evaporated, and she pivoted on the heels of her Nikes. “I’m not afraid of anything. I know what I want and I have come up with a plan to get it.”
Chapter Two
The girl might think she wasn’t afraid, but Derek recognized fear when he saw it. Her rigid body and rushed words proved it. He wanted to ease her anxieties, hold her, make everything right. But, as skittish as raindrops on the hood of a car in late July, she bolted every time he stepped near her. The ice in her cup tinkled in her shaking hand.
“All my life I’ve wanted to have children. But society dictates I should be married to have them.” She plopped her cup onto the dresser and spoke with her hands. Darting through the air, they emphasized her agitation. “In small-town America, if you don’t follow the rules you are considered an outcast, a scarlet woman.”
Her bright eyes flashed, reflecting her passion, which drew him like a moth to flame. “For years, I have followed these guidelines, not wanting to bring shame on my family.” She rocked back and forth onto her heels, like a fighter dancing in the ring.
“But what happens if I don’t happen to find someone I want to marry?” Her hands paused in mid air. “Do I lose out? Cut my losses? Go home?” Her arms dropped to her side in defeat.
Wife? No. Children? Yes. He wanted kids. But who would want an absent husband? So he’d given up on the possibility. But seeing the hunger in her eyes, he wondered if maybe he’d sold himself short. Could you have one without the other? “I don’t know. I guess you continue to wait. What other choice do you have?”
Jillian grinned. “My point exactly.” Her hands sped through the air in victory. “I do have a choice. My father is gone and I have no one else who will care if I have a child out of wedlock. So I decided to take matters into my own hands.”
A knock on the door interrupted. She blinked and stared at the door. “Who could that be?”
He strolled by her and peered out the peephole. He turned the handle and then retrieved his wallet from his back pocket. “The pizza dude.”
She touched his arm. He handed her the pizza and drinks, paid the delivery boy, and closed the door. He turned as she carried everything to the table across the room. What does she plan to do? She couldn’t suddenly let go of her strong moral values and have a baby, could she? The guilt would eat her alive. When she retraced her steps to pick up her drink from the dresser, he held out his hand. “Is that my cup?”
She held him at bay with one hand, while she stretched her other arm behind her. Unable to resist the challenge, he stepped closer, crowded her space, and fought for her cup. Her hand on his chest didn’t deter his forward motion.
“I think yours is over on the table.” Jillian held her ground.
He smiled, not wanting the cup, only an excuse to touch. Heat burned his chest where her hand lay. Her eyes flickered. Then she shifted back and turned. His hand brushed her waistline.
“That pizza smells heavenly.” She stepped away from him, toward the table. “We don’t want it to get cold.” She sat down her drink and lifted a piece from the box. “Oh, and don’t forget to tell me how much I owe you. We’ll settle up after dinner.”
He stepped up behind her. “Don’t worry about it. Dinner is on me.”
She turned suddenly.
Unprepared, his arms automatically circled her before she collided with his chest. He spotted the slice of pizza positioned inches from his shirt. “I didn’t mean I wanted to wear it.”
“Oh no.” Her face blushed red and she broke away. “Hang on. I’ll get something to take out the stain.”
Again darting away, she escaped from his arms and rushed for the bathroom.
Could she still have feelings for him?
He examined his shirt. No sauce marked the fabric.
Returning with two wash cloths and her pizza in hand, she stepped to the table. “This is the best we can do for a napkin. Did I leave a stain on your shirt?”
“No, it’s fine”
“Good.” She handed him a rag and slid into the seat on the other side of the table.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
The silence in the room grew.
He waited. She might not want to continue their earlier conversation, but he had to know her plans. His brother didn’t worry about things unnecessarily. If Jason suspected her of doing something stupid, then the likelihood was very good that it would happen.
And from what Derek had heard so far, he had to agree with his brother’s observation.
****
Jillian broke the heavy silence. She wanted him on the defensive to take the pressure off herself so she could get out from under his microscope. “So, who are you seeing now? Blonde or redhead, if you can’t remember her name.”
Derek shook his head. “No one, I’ve only been in town a few days.”
“And you’re leaving, when?” Soon hopefully. Usually, he didn’t spend much time in the States between his overseas assignments. One reason why he hadn’t bothered to contact her, or at least that’s what she’d told herself for the last year.
“I’m not due a new assignment for another week or so.” The amusement in his eyes confirmed his unwillingness to buy into her stalling technique, or her attempt to make him uncomfortable. “But we haven’t finished our earlier conversation. I want to know what this pregnancy plan of yours involves.” He grabbed another slice of pizza.
“What difference does it make?”
“Because it upset Jason, or he wouldn’t have called you.” He closed his mouth around the point of the pizza.
Oh, to have those lips hungry for her. Need blossomed in her stomach.
“He shouldn’t worry.”
“Well, he is. What exactly do you plan on doing? Put an ad in the paper? Father wanted. No strings attached.” With a smirky grin, he lifted his cup.
Jillian thrust aside the crust. Why bother? She’d lost her appetite.
If he only knew how her arms and breasts ached for a baby when she saw one lying in a carrier or stroller. The tight yearning that ran so deep it invaded her dreams. Nightmares of infants crying, babies she could never console. The longing rooted so deeply, it ate at her soul. She wished he could understand.
“I have considered running an ad, but it probably wouldn’t work.”
Surprised, Derek choked on his pizza and coughed out, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Why not?” She fidgeted in her chair. “All I have to do is find a man who wants to have sex with me. No strings attached. He’d never need to know I got pregnant.” She hated discussing this with him.
“Isn’t that a little underhanded?”
“Why? He gets what he wants, and is none the wiser.”
“What if he uses protection? Then your plan won’t work.” He toyed with his food.
“I’d just have to convince him I was on the pill, and it wasn’t necessary.” Jillian whispered, “He’d never need to know.”
“Don’t you think he’d call and want to see you again?”
“No, I wouldn’t give him my real name or number. He’d never be able to find me. As far as he was concerned, I’d be a one night stand.”
“A bit dishonest?” he grumbled under his breath.
Her jittery nerves shivered under heated skin. “Yes.” She gulped in a quick breath and rushed on. “Hell, I can’t do it anyway. I have thought about it. But I can’t convince myself to have sex with a stranger.”
She grabbed her pizza crust, tore it into tiny pieces. “There are women out there who can, but I can’t go through with it.” Throwing each piece back in the pizza box, she continued. “Who knows what kind of diseases he might have? It’s too risky.”
A difficult decision, she fought to make him understand. “I don’t want to mislead anyone. I just want to have a child of my own.”
He shook his head as if confused by her logic. Frustrated, she found it hard to talk. She brushed the crumbs off the table into her hand, and dumped them into the pizza carton, then shoved back her chair. “I’ve thought about adoption, but the waiting list for Caucasian babies is eight to ten years. I don’t want to wait, and I really don’t think its fair to people who can’t have children for me to adopt. After all, I’m quite capable of having a baby.” She blushed, and cleared her throat. “I’m not even sure they’d let me adopt, since I’m a single.”
Derek blinked. “I didn’t realize the waiting list was so long.”
“It is, if you want a newborn.” She gathered her courage, and began again.
“The next option, which I haven’t had an opportunity to look into yet, is artificial insemination. That’s where I would go to a sperm bank and pick out what physical features I want in the father and then purchase the sperm. The doctor would then inject it into my womb. The only problem with this option is the cost. But like I said, I haven’t looked into it very closely.”
She peered at him, embarrassed, not sure she could continue her explanation. He’d really think her nuts after hearing her final possibility.
“You’ve thought th
is matter out very carefully. But it doesn’t sound like you’ve chosen a plan yet.” His intent scrutiny showed he was taking the conversation seriously, waiting for her to tell him the rest of her elaborate plan.
“The last option, which I haven’t explained yet, is probably the best of the group. It takes a sperm donor, and I don’t have to have sex with anyone.” She pressed her hands together and straightened in her chair, gathering all her strength to continue. “It’s like artificial insemination without the cost.”
“Okay?” he prompted.
“Well, I read this article about a lady who got pregnant by using a turkey baster. And I thought...”
He interrupted. “A turkey baster?”
“You know, it looks like a large eye dropper and you use it to baste the turkey while it is cooking.”
“You’re loco.” Shock radiated from his face.
“No, the lady got sperm from a donor and placed it in the baster. Then she injected the sperm into her uterus. It’s the same basic way as having sex. The problem is finding a donor.”
Jillian monitored his reaction. Suddenly, his face turned from a look of outrage to amazement. Then his mouth broke into a huge grin and he burst into laughter. The sound echoed off the walls and through her head.
Bolting from her chair, she bolted for the bathroom. She shouldn’t have shared her plan with him. He didn’t get it. Never would so why explain any further. I just made a complete fool of myself.
****
She raced past him.
Derek caught a glimpse of her dashing by and sprang to his feet. If he didn’t catch her before she reached the bathroom, the conversation would be over. She’d never come out. He grabbed her by the shoulder, pulled her around, and trapped her arms between their bodies, preventing her escape. His body still shook with amusement.
“Let me go.” Her voice broke with her tears. “It’s not a joke.”
He struggled to control his humor, but he couldn’t. Instead, he hugged her closer, hoping that if he held on tight enough, she’d know he wasn’t laughing at her, but at her crazy idea. He couldn’t fathom why she’d even consider such an option.