by E. P. Clark
“Will he carry two?” I asked.
“Alyosha—Aleksey Aleksandrovich—and I have ridden double many times, Valeriya Dariyevna, but…”
“Give me a hand up, then,” I said, before he could get out all his objections.
He gave me a doubtful look.
“You did offer,” I said. “Come, give me a hand up.” When he continued to stand there, looking as if he didn’t know what to do, I told him, not entirely managing to conceal my impatience, “In that case, just ride by me.”
“Ah…why, Valeriya Dariyevna?”
“So I can vault on. It will be easier if you’re moving quickly.”
He looked as if he had many more objections to make, but started walking slowly in my direction anyway. I eyed his horse. He seemed like a calm, sensible sort of beast. I ran the half-dozen paces between us and vaulted up behind Ivan before he could get a hand out to help lift me. The tsarinoviches and the guards broke into involuntary applause, making Mirochka smile with a mixture of pride and confusion; what I had done was so common out on the steppe that no one would have thought it worth remarking on, let alone applauding, and she had seen me do it hundreds of times.
“I thought he wouldn’t shy,” I said with satisfaction, speaking into Ivan’s ear. “That’s a good horse you’ve got here, and I can see you spoke the truth: he’s used to being ridden double.”
“Yes, Valeriya Dariyevna,” Ivan agreed faintly. I was suddenly hit with a burst of memories of riding double with someone else…blonde hair flying all around us…best not to think of it.
“It’s hot but I reckon they can all handle a little canter,” I said. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Are you sure you won’t…” began Ivan.
“Fall off?” I finished for him. “I guess it’s a chance I’ll have to take.”
His neck flushed a brilliant red, whether from embarrassment at his silly question, or the sensation of my breath on his skin, I didn’t know. Probably both. I certainly remembered what it had felt like to have someone breathe on my neck like that… “I’ll just hold on to you,” I told him, putting an arm around him. And I certainly remembered what it was like to have someone slip their arm around me as we were riding…and what it had led to…hands cupping my breasts, making me cry out in surprise the first time it had happened…I hope you’re ready to cry out a lot more, princess…and I had, I had, once I had gotten over my confusion at what was happening…Didn’t anyone ever teach you anything, princess? Or am I the first? The first to treat you like the princess you are? Lucky me. That’s it. You’re doing so well, princess. Just lie back and let me do this for you. That’s it, just open your legs a little more…you’ll like it, I promise. And I had. And I needed to stop thinking about those memories right now, or my heart would break for certain—either that, or I would take Ivan right here in the park. As if reading my mind, he flushed even redder, but luckily for him the children had already taken off with the guards after them, and so we had to set off as well before he could become even more confused.
His horse had a smooth, gentle canter, so even in my dizzy state there was no need for me to hold onto Ivan, but since I had confused him by my brusqueness, and I needed to do something to turn things between us back in the right direction, I kept my arm around his waist, and tried to come up with something to say to him. Unfortunately, all I could think of was how I could be chasing after someone who didn’t actually want me, or at least not any more than he wanted any other woman, and how I probably didn’t want anyone who could be turned against me by a moment or two of inattention on my side—true constancy would overlook it, and true passion would only be further inflamed—but, I reminded myself, I wasn’t doing this for me. My sorrows were not only stupid and should have been long forgotten, but they had no bearing on the present matter, because I was acting not on my own behalf, but for the good of Zem’ and at the request of Sera, so I needed to quell all my disappointments and doubts and do something to make sure that this match went forward.
“Are your preparations for departure well in hand?” was the only thing I could come up with, however.
“I believe so, Valeriya Dariyevna,” said Ivan, his voice sounding tight. Apparently having me this close to him was having the desired effect, whether I followed it up with charming banter or not.
“That is well,” I said. We came to a fork in the road and turned down the left-hand path, causing me to grip his waist a little harder for a moment. His stomach felt firm under my arm, with all the muscles working in concert with the movement of the horse. I suddenly remembered the sight I had had of the gap between the bottom of his shirt and the top of his trousers, the first time we had trained together, and could feel myself flushing too. His neck was right in front of my eyes. There was a dark spot on the back of it that he himself had probably never seen. I wondered if anyone had ever pointed it out to him. The urge to lean down and kiss it was very strong. I wondered if we had already come to that moment between us. The thought that we might never come to that moment was suddenly unbearable, despite all my protestations about not sullying his virtue, letting him go if that was what he desired, and so on. I must have been crazy. Although not perhaps as crazy as I was now, as I found myself wanting to bite down on his shoulder and mark him as mine…he could only be mine, mine and nobody else’s…madness, madness, but if Sera had appeared and said that we had to be married on the spot, I would have seconded her with quick-breathed eagerness.
“Are you ready, Valeriya Dariyevna?” he asked.
“Ready?” I repeated, wondering how he had guessed my thoughts. My breasts felt hot and tight, in a way they had not for many years, and the dizziness was worse. Prior to my own unhappy adventure, I had always laughed when women said that their lovers made their heads spin, but then I had experienced it myself…only to lose it. But now it had come back. I wondered if his head was also spinning. Was that what he was asking about?
“For the journey tomorrow,” he said.
“Oh!” I would have laughed at myself if he hadn’t been there, although if he hadn’t been there, then we wouldn’t have been in this situation. “Not as much as I should be,” I confessed. “I’ve been diverted by unexpected circumstances.”
“Such as?” he asked.
“Ah…nothing important.” I should have said more, but it was a struggle to keep my voice light. As soon as I said it, I could have kicked myself if I hadn’t been on a horse, because he said “I see” in a voice that sounded either affronted or rejected, or maybe both.
“Mirochka wanted to go down to the kitchens, and we ended up spending half the morning there talking with the cooks and kitchen-maids,” I said, telling myself that his hurt was a good sign. “And now we’re here. So I really haven’t done anything all day, and it’s almost noon.”
We slowed to a walk as we came out of the park and onto the road that led from it to the stables. I should have let go of him, but I didn’t. I could almost see myself clutching him to me more tightly, sliding my hands under his shirt and down the front of his trousers…by all the gods, there were other people around. Including my own daughter.
“I certainly won’t detain you any further, then, Valeriya Dariyevna,” he said, still sounding a bit hurt.
I cleared my throat and tried to think of something else, like how I could salvage the moment, since while I had been fantasizing about the feel of his skin against mine, he apparently had gotten the impression that I had grown cold towards him. Hah. If I grew any warmer, I might melt on the spot. “Any delay I’ve experienced today is entirely my own fault,” I told him, coughing slightly in order to be able to talk. The cough made our bodies press together more tightly for a moment, and then separate so that just the tips of my breasts were brushing against his back. “And I am glad we got to ride together like this. Now I know I can trust you and your horse to carry me if I ever need you to while we’re on the road.”
“I’m glad, Valeriya Dariyevna,” he said uncertainly, and t
hen we were back at the stables and I slid down from his horse, my legs only buckling slightly.
I said I must be off to take care of my much-delayed preparations and, my left arm and the whole front of my body feeling warm and slightly tingly, I set off back to my chambers. I tried to say something more to him in parting, but I found I had to bite my lips to keep from groaning out loud or launching myself on him, so I only nodded to him curtly and disappeared without a backwards glance. It was entirely the wrong thing to do in order to further my aims, but another moment and I might have jumped upon him right there in the stable yard.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Once I was back in my chambers, I sat down and tried to compose myself, but soon found myself leaping up, despite my still-spinning head, and pacing around the room in a state of overheated lust. Who would have thought, who would have thought…the day had begun so poorly for love, but this was not love I was currently experiencing, this was the physical desire to possess, and perhaps the earlier revelations about Nika’s possible unfaithfulness had made me eager to jump into the arms of another man…this was a fever, a mad fever that would surely make me do something unwise even by my standards. I should condemn it, but I couldn’t help but rejoice at being able to experience it again. Passion was a sickness, but it was not sensible women who moved the world…Many women of my acquaintance had said that love and passion had driven them to feats of heroism they never would have thought themselves capable of until the moment they had arisen, making bold women restrain themselves and timid women approach their beloveds and even confess their love, terrifying a thought as that had always been to them. I couldn’t think of any examples of that on my own part, either now or in the past, so this was no doubt not true love. Not yet, anyway. Of course, courting Ivan was a feat of valor I would have thought beyond me until a few days ago, but it was done out of love for…what? My duty? My sister? My country? All of those things, and probably my pride as well. But as for Ivan himself, I was only at the stage of feeling foolishly shy about the fire that was suddenly running through my veins, and I could not yet tell whether it would grow to more.
After a considerable amount of pacing around the room and rejoicing in the sudden revival of my capacity for lust, I was able to remind myself that I would have easy access to Ivan for many weeks and that what had been started today could very well be finished before the moon was out, which made me calm enough to think of doing something actually useful in the remnants of the afternoon.
Accordingly, I sent word that I wished to speak with Sera at her earliest convenience, and by the time I had received a reply inviting me to come see her as soon as I could, I had already packed up all the things I intended to take with me. I didn’t have much gear with me to begin with, and I was intending to travel light, so, excluding my swords and my bow and arrows, it all fit into one saddlebag. My blood was quite cool by this time, but, alas, my lightheadedness was back, and I followed the maid to the Imperial chambers feeling as if I were floating half a foot off the floor. I hoped I hadn’t taken an actual fever…surely not. After all, as I kept reminding myself, I had been through all of this before.
“Valya!” cried Sera as soon as I entered her chambers. “Joyous Midsummer!”
“And the same to you. You are looking well,” I added.
“I feel well too, finally,” she said. “Let us hope that the worst of the sickness is over.”
“Let us hope so,” I agreed, looking at her more narrowly. She did seem livelier and stronger than she had since I had arrived, but I still didn’t like her color, and there was still a hint of puffiness in her fingers and around her eyes. Staying would change nothing, I told myself. I was not a healer, so the only thing I could heal for her was her country, not her body.
“Are you ready?” she asked.
“I’ve packed up all my personal things. I was going to leave the rest in my chambers. If you need the room for someone else, please pack them away somewhere. And I was thinking that it might be best to put Mirochka somewhere else, somewhere where she won’t be alone.”
“Of course, of course! I was also thinking of moving her elsewhere, with your permission. In fact, I was thinking of putting her in the children’s apartments. There’s an empty chamber there now that she can have. It’s not large, but it’s comfortable and she’d be able to run over to her brothers’ chambers during the day, and then retire to her own place at night. It’s next to the nursemaids’ room so she’ll have a serving woman nearby in the night, if she gets scared.”
“Are you planning to give the serving woman battle pay?” I asked, and grinned at Sera’s startled look. “Raising a steppe princess is a whole different prospect from bringing up tsarinoviches, even your tsarinoviches,” I told her. “I hope you—and your serving women—are ready.”
“Oh nonsense, Valya, Mirochka is a perfectly delightful little girl.”
“She is,” I agreed. “She’s a perfectly delightful little girl who is my daughter, and is accordingly just as delightful as I was.”
Sera’s smile slipped a little.
“And has been brought up to rule,” I continued. “You may have instilled obedience in your boys—”
“Not nearly enough,” muttered Sera.
“—But no one has ever even tried with Mirochka, other than the minimum necessary to keep her safe when she was still in swaddling clothes. And nor should they. Mirochka is a sweet girl; too sweet, I might even say, and, I fear, too easily trained to agree. That knack she shows for making friends and getting along with all and sundry may prove to be her undoing. One day she will at the very least rule the steppe, and for that she will need the habits of freedom and command. She may learn to respect others, but she must also learn to be first in every gathering, to command every group, and never to show blind obedience to anyone.”
“She will not be first when she is with the Empress,” said Sera, half-playfully, half angrily. “She should at least learn to obey me.”
I gave her a look.
“Oh come now, Valya, you have to admit that at least! Princess Stepnaya was the first to swear allegiance to Miroslava Praskovyevna!”
“The allegiance of the steppe is only ever freely given, never demanded,” I said. “Krasnograd would do well to remember that.”
“And if you, or Mirochka, were suddenly to become Krasnograd? What then? Will you,” she smiled, but I could see that she was still half-angry, “be constantly fomenting trouble against yourself?”
“We will have no need. The Stepniye know how to rule with a light hand.”
“And if you have to rule the others?” asked Sera, now looking serious. “Those like the black earth district who are accustomed to a heavy hand on their backs?”
“We can do that as well,” I promised. “But we will not accept it from others, and Mirochka must not learn to. So if the maids, or tutors, or you yourself, find her too difficult to deal with, you can send her back to the steppe, but you cannot under any circumstances try to break her spirit and turn her into just another Krasna sheep. Firstly because like as not you’ll fail, and secondly because any ill-treatment of Mirochka, and everything between us is over.”
“Valya! I am your sister! As if I would ever mistreat your daughter!”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t intentionally, but many women find it very hard to remain patient with her when she, for example, kicks a sister princess in the shins.”
Sera smiled in spite of herself. “Well, in that case we can hardly blame her,” she said. “Princess Velikokrasnova deserved to be kicked in something much worse than the shins.”
“Yes, but if I hadn’t been there, what would you have done? And even if your treatment of her is blameless, can you vouch for that of your serving women? How many servants will ill-treat their mistress’s children whenever they can get away with it?”
“Yes…but not my serving woman, Valya. Not the serving women of the Krasnograd kremlin, who have been specially charged with watching over the ts�
��over Mirochka.”
“Do you mean to name her officially as Tsarinovna, then?” I asked.
“No…that is, not yet…all will be decided…in a few months’ time.”
“Very well. And”—I decided some sign of concession was necessary—“I’m sure you will watch over Mirochka as well as anyone possibly could, and probably better than I would myself. But she mustn’t be smothered, Sera, and she most certainly mustn’t be ordered about like…like a boy. You told me when I discovered I was expecting her that if I gave birth to a girl, I should name her Miroslava, because our family had gone too long without a real Miroslava, and I did. She is our next Miroslava. But she must be allowed to develop accordingly. Which reminds me of my news.”
“News, Valya?” If she had been a horse, Sera would have pricked her ears and fixed me with a sideways stare. “What news?”
“I was in the park just now instead of preparing for my journey, and I…I encountered a leshaya.”
“Valya!!! In the park?!?”
“In the park,” I confirmed. “I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised. If the stories are true, our foremothers used to encounter leshiye in the park all the time.”
“True…I had just assumed that since I had never seen any, they must have left long ago.”
“Who knows what they’ve been doing with themselves. But at least one was there this morning, and she spoke with me.”
“Valya! What did she say?”
“She said…” I decided to skip over the promise that Mirochka would one day rule Zem’. There was nothing in that news that boded well for Sera, and nothing had been said that would enable me to figure out how to prevent whatever tragedy was awaiting us. “She requested that I allow Mirochka to go foster with her and her sisters for a time, to be taught by them of their ways and, I guess, the ways of all the spirits.”
“Valya!!! Just like Darya Krasnoslavovna!”