Falcon Song: A love story

by Cross, Kristin

  He pushed the garage door opener and backed out into the gathering dusk of the March evening. Soft rock came on and he adjusted the rearview mirror and reached over and took her hand like he’d done every day of their lives before she’d gone. He glanced over to her as they eased off down her street toward their romantic Jack in the Box drive through.

  She was still Kate, but she’d grown up so much that it no longer seemed like the older boyfriend and the teenage girlfriend like it had been the whole time they were growing up. There was no question about whether she was a woman grown now. That had been more than obvious from the emotion of those kisses. But it was more than that too. It really felt more like a married couple with their baby heading out to go somewhere. He hoped she was as happy and hopeful as he was, because he’d be fine with being Kennen’s daddy and Kate’s husband for at least the next twenty or thirty thousand years.

  They ate in the car under the street light in the parking lot and neither one of them had much to say. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. Hopes he had. Dreams he wanted to work toward. Even apologies he desperately wanted to make, but he knew he was crowding her and had to back off.

  He held her hand on the way back home again and then carried Kennen in and helped her get him changed and dressed for bed. Then he carried him in and gently laid him in the crib in her room and pulled his soft small blanket up to tuck around him. Afterward, he couldn’t help himself and stayed there for a few minutes just looking at him in the dim glow of the Winnie the Pooh night light. He still couldn’t get over that he was. He looked at his beautiful Kate standing beside him, the precious baby there in the crib and felt an achingly acute sense of loss that he’d missed so much. He wrapped an arm around her waist and whispered sadly, “I wish I could have known about him, Kate.”

  Back in her living room, with the stereo playing low, he longed for his guitar. The need to play for her was upon him. To bring her sweet music and tell her through his words and voice how much she meant to him and how he felt inside about her and their son. But he hadn’t brought it and had to settle for sitting on her couch and having her nestle against his legs like she’d always done when he had been playing.

  He dropped a gentle hand to her shoulder and softly squeezed. There was so much to be said and yet the silence that stretched between them was what made the bond they’d always shared the most apparent. The silence was comfortable and yet fraught with the need they were both feeling and neither one could voice.

  She leaned her head back against his knee and closed her eyes and he slid a hand into her hair and let the soft, dark curls slide through his fingers and then tenderly rubbed her head. She sighed and he could feel her relax into him. It was incredibly easy and sweet to sit here quietly with her.

  When he had all but decided he never wanted to leave, he swallowed a sigh, pushed her carefully away and stood up. “I gotta go, Kate. If I stay here much longer I’m going to melt. Either that or kiss you until I can’t think straight and you’ll be afraid of me in the morning. Kick me out.”

  He offered her a hand and as he pulled her up, pulling her all the way into his arms was automatic, as was leaning down to kiss her breathless.

  Kissing her until he couldn’t think straight actually only took seconds and then he was back to the dizzying need to want to literally breath her in. It was too late to leave before he melted, she made him feel like he’d lost his very bones as he held her to him and rained kisses all over her face and then moved to that warm, soft hollow under her ear.

  He gently nuzzled her ear lobe with his teeth and heard her take in a soft, quick breath and decided he needed to go home now. The longer he kissed her the more he wanted to.

  With all the will power he possessed, he gently pushed her away and tried to make himself swallow the sound of frustration that rose in his throat. Still holding her hand, he headed for her door and when they got there, he turned, gathered her almost roughly into his arms and kissed her one more time almost fiercely and then raised his head and asked, “Kate, can you promise me one thing?”

  Her voice was tired silk as she replied, “I don’t know, Jason. What do you need?”

  “You, Kate. I need you. You’re the other half of my soul. Promise me you won’t be gone when I come back here tomorrow. Promise me you won’t have taken him and run away again.”

  She searched his eyes for a long moment and he saw the worry there deep in hers, but at length she nodded. “I promise, Jason. I’ll be here when you come tomorrow.”

  He knew she wouldn’t lie to him and took a huge breath of relief and put his cheek against her temple. “Good Kate, ‘cause I couldn’t face losing you again. Either of you. It would kill me.” He gently kissed her one more time and then met her eyes and asked, “Think about me tonight, huh?” She nodded silently and he said one last time, “I love you, Kate. Good night.”

  She closed her door behind him and he stood for a moment on her porch marveling at how much a person’s perspective on life could change in a handful of hours. He looked up at the stars and thought about the exquisite woman who was inside there, probably getting ready for bed. Geez, he had missed her. He couldn’t even believe how much. Or how unreal it still felt that he had found her and she had actually been decent to him. Way decent. He stepped off the porch and headed for his car, thinking about how good it had been to kiss her. Nothing in the world was as incredible as kissing her. He didn’t even want to go home, he just wanted to go back and keep kissing her.

  Pulling away from her house, there was no question about whether he was moving to Tulsa like tomorrow and he began to look for realtor’s signs as he cruised up and down the nearest couple of streets. Writing down the first one’s number that he came to, he resisted the urge to call right then. Phoning at eleven thirty at night probably wasn’t the best idea if he wanted any kind of working relationship. Seven thirty ought to be late enough in the morning though. After thinking about it, he decided he wasn’t going to drive home tonight after all. He’d just get a hotel here and save the drive time. He scrolled down to Cody’s number. Even this late, he’d be waiting for word.

  Chapter 22

  Jason’s request that she think about him tonight couldn’t have been more superfluous. That she would think about him in depth was the understatement of the quarter century. She undressed and got ready for bed, torn between the happiness and peace she’d felt at being with him and the worry that she’d had a huge lapse in judgment the second she’d seen his heart stopping presence in her driveway. After nearly fainting from the shock, she’d all but fallen into his arms within minutes. It had been heaven, but she was probably a fool.

  She’d struggled through nearly two years without even her family to keep him from finding out about Kennen and it had all been wasted because of that trip to the grocery store. Who would have thought she’d need worry about grocery shopping? She should be devastated, but the fact that the opposite was true made her wonder if she’d lost all sense of responsibility toward her son. What was going on here? Was this a subconscious dream come true, or a sure way to wreck her son’s life and the path to reopening an excruciating heartache?

  After double checking Kennen, she knelt to pray and wasn’t even sure what to pray for. Finally, she simply asked for a measure of God’s wisdom and the inspiration to make the best decisions for Kennen’s sake. She added the same prayer she always did, that He would watch over Jason, wherever he was. Not a day had gone by since she’d left that she hadn’t asked that. And finally, she asked for help for herself. She didn’t mean to be selfish, but Jason had the power to rip her heart from her chest if he decided to. She obviously didn’t have the will to resist him alone if she was supposed to. For that, she’d certainly need a higher power.

  She finally lay down, but sleep was long in coming. Oh, but he’d looked like Christmas morning standing there today. And being held by him… It was like coming to water after nearly dying of thirst. A vital need that had gone unattende
d for far too long. Since Lubbock she could count the times she’d been hugged on one hand and that had only been her family. Life wasn’t supposed to be that way. Physical touch wasn’t really optional. And without it, her spirit had begun to shrivel up and die.

  Turning on her tummy and pulling her pillow into her arms, she sighed. So she was right back to square one, wasn’t she? The same point she’d been at before conceiving Kennen, wondering if being with Jason was smart or asking for a lifetime of heartache? No, that wasn’t true because now she needed to consider Kennen as well. She was in a far more critical place than she’d been back then. She had a sweet little boy depending on her to make wise decisions for him as well.

  Jason insisted she wasn’t in the same place. That he’d changed. That they’d both changed and gotten wiser and stronger. But from where she was, that was hard to tell. She’d trusted him foolishly before. How did she know for sure if she could honestly trust him now? Especially as vulnerable and weak as she felt after falling right into his arms tonight?

  She tossed and turned as she lay there, and her mind tossed and turned as well, and she felt exhausted both physically and emotionally by the time sleep mercifully claimed her.

  Kennen’s adorable little voice, talking to himself as he sat in his crib, pulled her from sleep in the morning and she smiled at it before her eyes even opened. When they did, she glanced over at him and he gave her that beautiful miniature smile that was so much like his father’s. She turned over on her back.

  His father! She hadn’t dreamed it. Jason really had shown up here last night and told her several, several times that he loved her and wanted to be part of her life again. A sweet heat filled her as she remembered those kisses in the kitchen. She hadn’t felt like that in years. It was really, really nice to be so openly desired. For that matter, it was just as nice to feel desire. For a second, she wondered if it would be okay to just follow her heart and enjoy him again. Then Kennen made another sound.

  No, there was too much at stake to be foolish about this. It wasn’t a decision to be made based on physical desire. What she decided would affect Kennen his whole life and even beyond. She rolled back to look at the beautiful boy across the room again and he pulled himself up to the side of his crib and smiled and reached his tiny, chubby hand toward her.

  Yawning, she pushed back the covers and stood to walk across and get him. As she picked him up, he cuddled right into her shoulder and closed his eyes and she brought him back to her bed. “You wanna come back to Mommy’s bed and snuggle this morning, Kennen?”

  “Yup. Snuggo.” Five minutes later, Kennen was back to sleep, but Kate was awake and worrying in earnest. What to do about Jason? She sighed and then got up and got into the shower. The only thing she knew was that she’d promised not to leave at least for today. The thought of picking up and leaving again left her sick to her stomach. She had Kennen now, so it wasn’t quite as lonely as it had been, but she dreaded the thought of starting all over again somewhere. And if she did it now that Jason knew about Kennen it would be a whole new ball game.

  He’d already said he’d come after her. Getting away from him if he was serious would be incredibly difficult. He had the funds to hire anyone he wished. She had to find a way to figure out if Jason truly had changed enough to trust him not to drag Kennen through a negative lifestyle.

  She toweled off and dressed and did her hair and makeup. Then as she was preparing Kennen’s things, she realized she’d completely forgotten to buy diapers the day before. She never put them on the list because she bought them virtually every time she shopped, but she’d been a trifle flustered yesterday after seeing Cody and his surgeon. She’d have to go again first thing this morning.

  With Kennen dressed and fed, she called Elise and asked if she would let Kennen hang out with Gretchen for a few minutes while she ran. Ten minutes later as she took him next door, she knew Elise was dying to know all about Jason as she mentioned, “I saw the Porsche there until late. So, now how is it that you were married to someone named Garland, but have a child with a country star named Falcon?”

  Kate smiled, but it didn’t feel very happy and she decided to give Elise the Cliff Notes version. “Uh, well. Jason and I grew up next door to each other. We’d sort of been close for forever. One night we got too close actually.” She gave another sad smile. “Hence Kennen. Things didn’t work out and I left and met John and married him, but he only lived a year after that. He had a brain tumor.”

  Elise nodded. “And?”

  Kate shrugged. “And not really anything. After John passed away I moved here. End of story.”

  “That’s it? End of story? Oh, Kate! C’mon! Are you telling me that yesterday was nothing but a friendly parental visit?”

  Nodding to appease Elise, Kate wondered how you could describe what yesterday was with any accuracy. Who knew? Not her at least, but she couldn’t admit that to Elise and simply said, “Just a parental visit. I actually haven’t seen him in almost two years.” At that, Elise shook her head and Kate felt guilty about not admitting that Jason hadn’t known about Kennen. Leaving him, she hurried back to the grocery store and grabbed the diapers.

  She was standing in the check out line, when she glimpsed Jason and a very well endowed blonde on the cover of a magazine on the rack there. So was this divine intervention or Satan having fun at her expense? She habitually reached to turn the magazine around and then on an impulse bought it. She wasn’t necessarily going to read it, but it might be a really good reminder to keep her head on straight, later.

  ***

  Jason really did call the realtor at seven thirty and by nine thirty he’d bought a change of clothes and a house. When the realtor had pulled up available properties in Kate’s area, unbelievably, there was a home for sale kiddy corner from Kate’s house through the block behind her. Actually, only the very corner of his yard would touch hers, but with any luck, he could talk Elise into letting him build a gate across the back corner of her yard. He prayed and thanked God as he went back to his hotel. That had to be divine intervention. That’s all there was to it.

  And he was going to need some divine intervention. Several times, most likely. Last night had gone more smoothly than he’d ever dreamed it would, but he knew Kate. Once he left, she was probably regretting she had promised she’d still be here today. And he didn’t underestimate her anymore. The last two years had more than proven to him that she was a woman of serious self discipline. He knew she still loved him. He’d seen it in her eyes and felt it in her arms, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. At this point, it wouldn’t take much at all to spook her all the way back to Texas.

  He wasn’t going to take any chances, but he wasn’t going to leave anything to chance either. He had a week before he could move in to help Kate get used to the idea without running for cover.

  Assuming she still wouldn’t want to be seen in public with him, he stopped and got everything for a picnic and then drove back to the house with the climbing tree and sand box, praying silently all the way. It was a good time for some more divine intervention. He was as nervous about how she was going to take him today as he’d been yesterday.

  Kennen helped ease his entrance again. As Jason knocked on the storm door, Kennen came running in from the other room and ran straight into the screen with both hands and yelled, “Mommom! Is freh-en!” He reached up as high as he could toward the door knob, but all he could do was touch it with the tips of his fingers. That didn’t stop him. He stayed there on his bare tip toes, reaching for all he was worth and Jason had to take pity on him and open the door.

  As he did, Kennen tipped over onto his hands and then jumped back up and launched himself into Jason’s arms and gave him another one of his enthusiastic huggers. Jason honestly couldn’t believe how strong this tiny one year old kid was!

  Kennen had him in a death grip around the neck as Kate appeared on the other side of the screen and Jason could see at a glance that the girl who had melted in his
arms last night had been replaced with a close relative of the woman who had closed that elevator door in his face in Lubbock. A tired close relative. He wasn’t sure where that look of resignation had come from, but he knew his work was cut out for him and was grateful Kennen didn’t have her reservations.

  He smiled around the tiny arms that held him and said, “Morning, Kate.”

  “Good morning, Jason.” She opened the door for him, but that was the only sign he was welcome.

  Still wondering how to take her, he decided directness might be the best policy and he hesitated to step inside as he asked, “Are you angry with me for something?”

  She shook her head and looked guilty for a second and said, “No, come in. Actually, yeah.” He had begun to step in and paused, looking up at her and she shook her head again. “No. Come in.” He grinned at her and she said, “I don’t know. Get in here while I try to figure out what I am at you.”

  Jason and Kennen came inside and as she shut the door, Jason said, “I don’t know, Kennen. That’s just the way she is sometimes. But we love her anyway, don’t we?” He followed Kate back into her kitchen and the first inkling about what was wrong came as he saw a magazine on her kitchen desk with a cover picture of him standing next to a blonde actress with his hand on the small of her back. Not only that, but there was a newspaper stacked next to it that had a front page article about the frequency of infidelity in marriages in America. The second had nothing to do with him, but the coincidence of them together couldn’t be good.

  He had been going to hand Kate the basket he carried, but decided to put it on top of her negative literature instead. Then he turned back to her and just watched her for a minute, hoping for an epiphany about how to bring back the melting Kate. Kennen began to pat his cheeks and Jason gently rubbed his back as he watched her. His hand slowed as she looked over at him and he recognized that the hardness was just her way of protecting herself from what she perceived as a threat. Him.