“What the what? What the what?”
She curled her lips tightly, exposing her clenched teeth and roared. Before I knew it, she had backhanded me twice across the mouth with hands coated with cow’s blood and sofrito.
The silence that followed was deafening. All the happy chatter that emanated from the living room suddenly ceased. The jangling sound of the dominoes halted. All I heard was a litany from mother.
“Tu eres una fresca! Cómo te atreves!” Mother’s loud admonitions shook the apartment.
I learned that I could never confide in mother. She was not the person to turn to when I needed comforting and reassurance. I also found out that day that she thought I was a wicked little girl.
foolish pride
Joy Leftow
Poverty is not noble at all and doesn’t choose color. Felix wasn’t a drug dealer when I met him. He only decided to be one when he learned how tough it was to refinish furniture all day. He roughened his hands just so he could pay the rent on a small, overpriced room in Harlem.
I was sitting on the front stoop, high from the amphetamine I had swallowed earlier. I was playing with my three-year-old niece, Brianna, tickling her and leaning her backwards until she squealed.
“How does this feel? Do you like this?” I asked. She was giggling crazy when I swung her around.
Just then Felix walked by with my friend Chatter, he never shut up. Chatter had been hitting on me for about a month but I wasn’t attracted to him. Both were wearing bell-bottom jeans. Felix had a two-inch decorative trim going down the seam of his pants on both sides. It was a pretty embroidered Aztec design and was mostly gold in color, mixed with orange.
Felix had dark olive complexion with a wide nose. His eyes were so dark they looked black with Indian features. He had long, black, curly hair. I’ve always been a sucker for long hair.
I sat down with Brianna’s legs around my waist and leaned her backwards. I was wearing a tank top and low rise hip hugger jeans. When I leaned forward with Brianna on my lap, both guys got a good view. I was cute with dark brown long hair. I wore bangs in the front and red highlights. I had a petite figure and rosy colored skin with blue eyes that frequently changed to green. My tits were small and I had big hips with a small waistline.
“Hey,” Chatter said. “This is Felix, my friend from Santo Domingo.”
I extended my hand and Felix kissed it. I sighed as his action took my breath away.
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Why don’t you and I disappear somewhere alone for a minute,” he said looking into my eyes.
Where was this dude coming from? I’d just met him. I was thinking. He moved really fast.
“Let’s take a walk through Ft. Tryon.” Chatter suggested.
“Sounds cool. Let me take my niece inside and I’ll be ready,” I said.
We entered the park and headed for the stonewall. It overlooked the Hudson River and the GW Bridge. Chatter waved to some guys toking a doobie. Chatter was well known. He was the LSD connect up here.
I was walking in the middle between the two guys. Chatter saw Felix put his arm around my waist and he caught feelings and came between us.
“How bout some ice cream?” Felix asked. Chatter immediately followed.
“Do you want ice cream, Janis?”
“Oh yes, I want a cone,” I said taking out my purse. Felix put the cone in my hand. He winked at me and patted my hip where my purse was.
“I got it, babe,” he said.
Felix put his arm around my waist and slid it towards my butt as he steered me towards a bench under a flowering apple blossom tree. He immediately sat next to me. Chatter was still getting his ice cream.
“You’re cute and all, but you move kind of fast. Do you mind?” I said moving his hand off me.
“I can’t help it, you’re just that hot.” Felix smiled.
“Are you staying at Chatter’s?”
“No, I got a room in Harlem.”
“That’s fast work, how’d you do that?”
“I read El Diario, that’s all.”
“Since you work so fast, any leads on a job yet?”
“Is this twenty-one questions?” He grinned.
“I’m just wondering how a foreigner gets around,” I said.
“Hey man, I gotta go home, my mom’s cooking.” Chatter interrupted. He looked at me pointedly. “So you gonna be home later, or what?”
I stood up not quite knowing what I should do. I knew Chatter was feeling me. He introduced me to Felix who I was now feeling.
“So what ya gonna do?” Chatter asked.
“What’s the story here? Maybe I’ll just head on home myself.”
“Where ya going so fast ma, we just met?” Felix asked grabbing my hand and pulling me back down on the bench. “Let him go. I wanna talk to you alone.” He leaned forward and whispered. His breath was soft and warm on my neck. I felt goose bumps all over my body along with Chatter’s intense stare.
“So what you gonna do?” He asked.
“Stop tripping. You know you don’t invite anyone to eat your mom’s food. We’ll catch you on the rebound.” I said.
An awkward moment of silence followed as Chatter surmised the situation.
“I’m out,” he said, turned and walked away. Felix patted my hip.
“You really wanted to get rid of him didn’t ya’?” I asked and we both laughed.
“It’s not my fault he’s got his priorities crossed. I mean what’s more important, a woman with the most beautiful blue eyes on the planet or a meal? Hey weren’t we in the middle of a conversation?”
“Yeah, I wanted to know; how did ya get a room so quickly?”
“The woman who owns the apartment was in Santo Domingo two weeks ago and we kind of set it up then. As far as the job goes, she introduced me to a furniture maker. I’ve got a job refinishing furniture. I’m starting on Monday.”
“That’s cool, so you’re set then.”
“All except for a woman. Now I met one.”
“You’ve got it all figured, huh?” I shook my head smirking.
“I got it figured out even better now,” he said looking me up and down.
After that Felix was at my house every night without fail. I shared the apartment mom had when she died two years ago with Hanna, my older sister, her husband and child. I slept in the living room on a single bed. Hanna took over paying the bills after mom died.
I was nineteen years old and had a lot of problems. I had already been pregnant twice and lost the babies. I had no education to speak of. I lived in the same apartment where I had lived since I was born.
Not to be outdone, Hanna and her husband, Freddy had a shit load of problems too. He was just like dad, a compulsive gambler.
Hanna was a strange case; smarter than me with no education either. She was almost finished getting her high school diploma. I still had history, math and science credits to complete.
I met Freddy first but had no interest so I introduced him to Hanna. She fell for him on the rebound. After her last and only relationship, she spent a year in the apartment depressed. I did all I could to move her back into circulation.
I kept moving but way too slow. I had a part time job downtown as a receptionist and I took evening classes in theater. My dad paid for that. It seemed now that since he retired and was receiving social security, he was doing a little better. I was eligible for welfare and got fifty dollars a month.
One evening I was sitting on my bed holding hands with Felix. He was in the midst of expressing undying love for me. We had only known each other a couple weeks.
“I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s like I’m going crazy when I’m not with you. Why don’t you marry me and spend the rest of your life with me?”
“You’re crazy, Felix. I mean like we’re together two weeks and you wanna get married?”
Hanna came traipsing by. Carrying a non-spill cup of warm milk in her hands, she paused and stared at us. My
sister’s curiosity made me very uncomfortable.
“I’m having trouble getting her to sleep. She keeps playing and singing. I’m so tired.”
Hanna was trying to drum up some small talk. I wanted her to keep moving.
“Hey Hanna, how ya’ doing?” Felix greeted.
She nodded, moved on and he continued his romantic overtures.
“How much better do I have to get to know you? I’ve seen you every single night this week and last week too.”
“Well,” I giggled. “You still don’t know me in the biblical sense.”
“Freddy should be home soon.” Hanna said as she walked by once more.
No sooner were the words out of her mouth than we heard the key to the front door.
“Hey baby, I got lobster for you. I hope that does the trick if you get my drift.” Hanna winked and Freddy flirtingly smiled and sidled up to her. He waved and immediately turned to follow her into the bedroom. His hand rested on her butt, goading her along.
“Back to our conversation. I’m trying to figure out that biblical part.”
“What’s stopping you?” I challenged.
“I can’t just bring a blue-eyed honey like you into Harlem.”
“A blue eyed Jewish girl like me? What’s up with that? I grew up in this neighborhood. All my life I’ve hung out with blacks and Latinos.”
“I’ve got a surprise,” Felix said smiling. “I’ll tell you later.”
I started thinking about his proposal and how crazy it was.
“You’re fucking with me to get your green card. That’s what’s up, ain’t it?”
“No, ma I’m crazy about you. I had a green card before. I lived here when I was a kid, so the number could be reactivated. I’m for real. I want to marry you and get old together, spend the rest of my life with you.”
I jumped up and he did too.
“You are so full of shit. Do you think I’m stupid? And you think I got nothing better to do than think about getting old. You’re pissing me off.”
I resisted when Felix grabbed me and started kissing me.
“Don’t worry, you’ll learn to trust me,” he said.
“You must be crazy. You think I really wanna think about being a hag. That turns you on or sump’n’?”
He laughed and placed my hand on his dick. It was rock hard.
“Just being next to you does it for me, even if you’re across the street. I get hard when I see you. I can’t wait till I hit that.”
“Seems like you’ve been waiting just fine to me,” I said laughing.
“Yes, but now the owner of the apartment is leaving for a week. It’s the perfect time. I’ll pick you up on Friday after work.”
“Why don’t I just meet you at your place?”
“No way, I don’t trust that. You alone in Spanish Harlem? I’ll pick you up.”
“Whatever,” I said nonchalantly.
He rubbed his hands together, made circle with his finger and poked another finger through it.
“I tell you, it’s gonna be like the fourth of July.”
“Can I count on that?” I smiled flirtingly.
“Yeah,” he grinned, “and then we can get married.”
In spite of my tough act, I was sensitive.
“Don’t make fun of me and don’t play me!”
“I’m for real. I’m dead serious. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“If you keep it up, you won’t see me again. No one just up and marries someone like that.” I said snapping my fingers.
“They do if they’re as sure as I am. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Most girls would be happy if their boyfriend proposed.”
“Right, but they’d be happier if they believed it was for the right reasons.”
“If you marry me we’ll move to Santo Domingo and buy land. We’ll build a nice house and…”
“Why would I want to do that?” I jumped in.
“Baby, it’s a tropical paradise. We can lie around all day, go swimming, eat coconuts and mangos. We’ll live like the original natives did.”
“You’re gonna build a house too?”
“Your body will turn firm and brown. You’ll be even more beautiful than you are now. You’ll be like a goddess.”
“The first fucking man who begs me to marry him and you’ve got to be a joker.” I shook my head in disbelief.
“You’ll see.”
When Friday rolled around, I was hot to trot. As we walked into the apartment, I kept up a constant chitchat.
“Why did we have to wait to come here? Aren’t you allowed company in your room?”
“They’re really old fashioned and an older couple. They’d get mad if I bought a girl here. They don’t believe in sex before marriage. And I think they’d expect me to date a Dominican girl.
“Oh yeah…?” I asked staring at him incredulously. “You mean brought a girl here. I sarcastically corrected him.
“Yes, sure... Would you like some juice or something to drink?”
“Nah, I was hoping for fireworks and a band.”
“Come here,” Felix said and held out his arms.
We sat on the bed and started kissing. I pulled away. Something seemed a little weird with his kiss.
“Why don’t you open your mouth more?” I asked.
“My mouth is open as far as it goes,” he said frustrated.
“I feel like I’m fighting to get my tongue in there. Look, like this,” I said spreading my lips.
“Your lips are wider than mine,” he said.
“Wait a minute.” He walked away to the bathroom.
I stripped down to my lacy black underwear. Felix came back and lunged at me, diving on the bed.
“Hey, take a breath. Take off your clothes so I can feel you. Do you like oral sex?”
Felix stiffened. “I don’t do that. I had a bad experience one time.”
“You had a bad experience one time and that turned you off forever?”
He nodded.
“So what happened?”
“It’s kind of embarrassing. I did it one time and uh...”
“Well what is it already?” I asked impatiently.
“She had sores and my mouth got blistered and the doctor said it’s quite common and not to do that...”
“Really, well the doctor never told me that. I mean shit if you did catch a little something, penicillin is all that it takes. That’s a real drag.”
“How come?”
“Because I really dig it,” I said unable to hide my disappointment.
“I don’t mind having it done.” He jumped in smiling.
“Right, leave it to a guy. Man, I used to go with this dude and he’d...”
“Shut up about these other guys, I’m going to make you come.”
Felix mounted me, moved a few strokes then groaned. This turned sour really fast. I attempted to push him off, but he locked his legs around mine.
“Please, don’t push me away. I couldn’t help it,” he begged.
I was turned on and curiosity got the best of me. I touched him.
“I can’t do it again right now. I’ve been working all day and I need to rest.”
“OK maybe not this instant, in a while then.” I said and did nothing to hide my disappointment.
“Yeah, in a… What’s this on the sheet, blood…?”
“That’s what happens from my IUD. It makes me pretty much staining all the time. I can’t figure it. The doctor said I shouldn’t worry about it.”
“You’re bleeding all the time and the doctor said not to worry about it?” he asked jumping out of the bed.
“Hey, it’s not contagious.”
“That’s some crazy shit ma. You better get checked out again. I don’t know what kind of doctor would say that’s ok. Oh shit!”
“You’re over-reacting,” I said.
“The family I live with, they’re gonna see the blood on the sheets when they come to change them.”
“So?”
“They’ll know I bought someone here and even worse, they’ll suspect it was a virgin.”
I was feeling disgusted and disappointed. My big expectations for fireworks had taken a downward turn.
“Big deal,” I said with no sympathy.
“It’s a big deal for me. I live here. Hey don’t you have any money to go to a real doctor?”
“I do go to a real doctor. He prescribed this method of birth control for me.”
“It’s not normal to bleed all the time. Maybe you’ve got some infection or something,” he said acting concerned.
“Listen, I do get checked regularly. Matter of fact they already took out the coil IUD and now they put in the S shaped IUD. They said the last one caused an infection and they scraped me out. They said maybe this one would be better.”
“You’re telling me this has been causing you trouble since day one and you’re still using it. I don’t get it. Why?”
“Mostly because it works and I just get pregnant too damn easy. That’s why the doctors recommended it. I was pregnant twice before. I was only fourteen the first time.”
“What happened?”
“My body aborted, I was too young.”
“Let me give you some money so you can go to another doctor. Get some birth control pills. That way you won’t have to be going through this bleeding.”
“You my gynecologist, or sump’n?”
“It doesn’t take a genius to see that you bleeding all the time isn’t normal. I’m telling you, let me pay for a doctor and you can get the pill.”
“I don’t want the pill.”
“Why don’t you want the pill?”
“There’s a history of breast cancer in my family. My mother died from it.”
“What’s the pill got to do with breast cancer?”
“Some doctors say it’s not good to use the pill when there’s a history of breast cancer in your family. There’s concern about the hormones in the pill causing the disease.”
“Hey, my stepfather’s a doctor and he said there’s no real connection.”
“Okay, I’ll ask about the pill when I see the doctor.”
“Let me know the cost.”
“Oh yeah, you wanna pay?”
“Yeah, you’re my old lady now.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got Medicaid. Thanks for your offer.”
Lipstick Diaries Page 9