Sweet Reflection (Truth)

by Henderson, Grace

  “Are you okay?” She asks after a few minutes of tension filled silence.

  “I should be asking you that question. But you don’t seem that bothered. Does it happen often?” She laughs gently, and nods her head and instantly my body tightens. “Yeah, guys seem to think I’m some kind of dummy that’s just going to roll over for them. I’m not like that. I know I have a reputation as a flirt, which is well-deserved, but I don’t just sleep with anyone.”

  I briefly wonder why she’s telling me this but she’s being open with me and it makes me want to do the same. “Yeah I know what you mean.” My voice is thoughtful; I know how it feels for people to assume the worst of you.

  She lets out an indignant laugh, “Pull the other one. I see you out every weekend, I know exactly what you’re like.” My jaw stiffens at her judgemental tone because we’re more alike than she thinks. “You don’t know anything. Just because you see me out with a girl doesn’t mean I let it go further. I’m no monk, but I’m not as bad as people think. Or I haven’t been lately.” I’m telling the truth. A lot of it’s just for show. Because I know I would go after every guy I see her with if there wasn’t something, or someone, holding me back. Sure, I’ve slept with some of them but nowhere near as many as I used to before I met her. It’s like she’s got this hold on me and no-one else can come close to how she makes me feel when we’re around each other. I know I’ve been a dick to her though, it’s easier to deal with that way.

  I watch her closely and she’s taking my words and mulling them over in head. “What are you thinking?” I ask her. She’s always so guarded, hard to read.

  She pauses, then turns to the side so her body is up close. She looks directly into my eyes and I’m suckered in to hers. Her voice is soft and sweet and I just want to keep hearing it, “I want to call a truce. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m sorry about that night. It was all a…” I raise my hand and slowly stroke her cheek with the back of my knuckles. She stops talking immediately and sucks in a short sharp breath. I can feel her pulse humming through the parts of our bodies that are touching.

  I give in to the urges I’ve been having every night I’ve seen her for the past eight months. Every part of her just draws me in. I keep my hand cupping her cheek as I lean down to press my lips against hers gently. It’s a barely-there kiss as I wait to see if she pushes me away. She does exactly what I hoped she would and pulls me in closer. My hands reach round and tangle in her hair. I suck gently on her bottom lip, and when a little moan escapes her lips I push my tongue inside and let it search out hers. They find each other and touch in a caress as her hands run down my chest. All too soon I’m thinking I need to pull away to keep myself from throwing her over my shoulder and taking her back to my bed. I end with one last brush of my lips over hers and pull back to look at her. I don’t regret it but part of me still feels the need to apologise. I didn’t ask her if she wanted me to kiss her. I just did it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t…” There’s a slight wince on her face as I say the words and she brings her finger up against my lips to stop me from talking. “It’s okay. I should get going.” She smiles at me sadly, and turns to leave. I know I should stop her; I think she’s misunderstood what I was trying to say, but I need time to sort my head out, and my feelings for her, so I say nothing and just watch her walk away.

  Chapter Four

  Laurel

  As soon as I got another painful rejection from James last night, I went straight home. I couldn’t face another second of seeing some girl throw herself at him and him accepting her advances. He blows hot and cold with me all the time and I don’t know what to make of it.

  My phone rings and Jen asks if she can bring a bottle round and have an evening in, which I gratefully accept. No work today means we can start a little earlier. I change into something a little more presentable than my pyjamas and throw some make-up on my face.

  “Hey chick, how are you doing?” I ask animatedly as I open the front door. If I don’t pretend to be cheery I’ll end up crying my eyes out. I stop by the kitchen and grab some glasses, then lead through to the lounge so we can get comfortable.

  “I’m good, thanks. Last night was a killer. My head hurts so much I actually thought I had died when I woke up, which is why we need to get started again. Where did you get to?”

  I knew it was coming. My departure was so abrupt last night that everyone is probably talking about it. As much as I just want to forget it and pretend that it didn’t happen, Jen has always been there for me. As if she can sense my indecision at telling her the truth she carries on. “I’m not stupid. James shoved that girl off his lap and stormed outside then I saw you go out too. What went on? You can talk to me Laurel. And I won’t tell anyone else if you don’t want me to. I promise.”

  I sigh deeply, because I know she won’t tell anyone. I’m not afraid of that. I’m afraid of admitting my feelings out loud because then they’ll be real. And the crushing reality of unrequited lust is not something I can deal with now. She recognises my hesitation again and grabs the bottle from me.

  “Okay, no worries. We won’t talk about anything as heavy as feelings until you’re ready. Take a swig.” She pours the wine and hands me a glass, chuckling when I take a massive gulp and grimace at the sharp taste.

  “Obviously I don’t recommend binge drinking but a couple of glasses may take the edge off for you.” I nod and try to relax myself back into the sofa.

  “So what do you wanna do tonight?”

  “I dunno Jen. This wine isn’t going down as well as I’d hoped. Maybe we should just forget it. I’m not much fun at the moment.”

  “Hey, you don’t have to entertain me. I’m here because I want to spend time with my friend. Whatever mood you’re in.” She flings her arm around my shoulder and I place my hand over hers.

  I can feel her watching me, scrutinising my face and trying to decipher every movement and thought going on in my head.

  “Out with it, chick. Now.”

  “James punched someone last night.”

  I pause the glass mid-way to my mouth, then put it down in shock, and turn to look at her.

  “After you left he came flying back in, angry as hell. I thought you two must have had an argument. He stormed out the front of the bar and Blake and I followed him. There were a couple of guys hanging around outside and he just lunged at one of them. Blake pulled him off, but not before he got a good swing in.”

  My mouth’s still wide open in astonishment. He’s never done that before that I know of. And he didn’t even seem that drunk. He’s normally way more controlled than that.

  “Blake was shouting, telling him to pull himself together and asking what was wrong with him, but he just ignored him and jumped in a taxi.” I’m still trying to process the information when she adds, “Alone. In case you were wondering.” I’ve been busted. She knows.

  “Thanks for telling me Jen.” I still don’t know what he was playing at though. He’s too old to get into bar brawls. Why would he be that angry? And he wouldn’t just punch some random guy. Then my brain seems to latch onto a fleeting thought. He was fine until we went outside. Why did he go outside? It was just after that guy grabbed me.

  “Wait, did you see the guy he punched?” My heart starts pounding. The guy had been wearing a cap and had a stupid moustache. That I remember when he forced me against him. I had no choice but to look at him up close.

  “Yeah some idiot with a Borat style moustache. I think he had a blue jacket and an NYC cap on too. Why is that?”

  My head feels so confused, I just don’t know what to make of it all. Does that mean he wants me? He kisses me, then regrets it. Five minutes later, he’s defending my honour. That man is full of contradictions.

  “I have something to confess.” I bite my tongue, trying to stop the tears pooling.

  “Oh hun, I know. You don’t have to say it.” I pick up my glass and down the rest of it to keep myself from crying.

  “I like him so
much Jen. But he’s so confusing.” I say quietly.

  “Yeah I get that too. Why don’t you talk to Cassie about it? She’s close to him. She may be able to shed some light on whether he feels the same.” I shake my head, swipe at the tears and grab her hand. “You have to promise me you won’t tell her. I can’t let her know yet; it’ll make things awkward. She spends so much time with him. I don’t want her to feel torn.”

  “Okay, I promise.” Jen nods solemnly, and I regret putting her in this position too. I hate secrets.

  I go to the bathroom to pull myself together and adjust my make-up. When I come back out I tell her I don’t want to talk about it anymore, and we put on a Jimmy Carr DVD and laugh until my cheeks hurt. Tonight has been just the type of feel-good night I needed. And I have Jen to thank for that.

  “I really think you should talk to him, Laurel. From what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen, he likes you as well. Just be honest. At least then you’ll know. Either way, you’ll know.” She grabs me in a tight hug and kisses my cheek as she leaves.

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  I say goodbye, shut the front door then lean my back against it. It’s only nine; I can’t go to bed yet. I go back to the fridge and crack open another bottle. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s drinking alone, but this situation calls for it. I pour a glass and curl up on the sofa, with only my thoughts for company. And James. He’s all I ever think about. I take a mouthful of wine, and sigh. He’s also all I ever drink about.

  The next morning, I feel better than I thought I would, considering how many bottles I spy lined up on the windowsill ready for recycling. I definitely need to detox. I go to work feeling more confused than ever and all morning, whenever there’s a pause, I think about telling James how I feel. And what his reaction may be. I go back and forth for the millionth time then decide that Jen is right. If I don’t talk to him I’m not going to know. And either way, I’ll just have to deal with it but I’ll finally be able to move on and find someone else. My stomach twists at the finality of the moment. This is going to be it. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t get to make the decision.

  It’s all down to him.

  I’m letting a man decide my fate, never thought I’d see that day. I leave work on my lunch break and drive until I’m pulling up on the side of his road. I don’t even know if he’s here. But I do know I have to at least try. I stay in the car for a few minutes giving myself the chance to mentally prepare.

  As I sit there torturing myself again, a swanky red Porsche pulls up behind his car in the driveway. I can’t get out and head over there now if he’s got company. I put my seatbelt back on ready to pull away and glance back over at the car. My heart beats too fast as long bare legs in six inch stilettos swing out the driver’s side door followed by the most glamorous woman I’ve ever seen. She’s dressed in a white satin blouse that’s tucked in to a black pencil skirt and has a figure any woman would be envious of. She’s wearing sunglasses and has her back to me so I can’t see her face but I don’t need to, I can guess. Her hair, dark curls down to her waist, is glossy and styled and I immediately feel dowdy. I changed into my vest top and jeans, but now, I completely regret it. She’s like a pin-up mixed with supermodel and business woman and my heart hurts. I’ll never have that much class, it’s just not me. And the fact that James obviously likes that twists the knife even more. Maybe she’s just a client I tell myself and the knife eases slightly. She glides over to the door and I wait holding my breath for his reaction. He smiles, so far so good, it looks business-like. Then she reaches up and kisses him on the lips, pushing him back inside the house. The door slams shut, and I slam my head back against the headrest. Definitely more than business. I let out a stream of curse words and try to shake my tears away. Starting the car and pulling away I don’t look back. I let the music blare and drive round in circles whilst I cry my eyes out, knowing these have to be the last tears I let myself cry over him. He’s taking up too much energy, too many thoughts and dreams and plans in my mind that haven’t come to anything. When he kissed me I thought that maybe he felt something too but it must have just been the heat of the moment. I need to move on, I know that now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

  James

  My plans are all laid out on the coffee table for my meeting with Alex. She told me she had a few issues she wanted to discuss so I said we could talk here although now I realise that my house may be slightly too intimate. We had a great working relationship during the time I worked on her flat in London then after a few drinks one night things got a bit out of hand. We both regretted it the next morning and it’s been fine since then but I’ve got this nagging feeling she wants more. She’s been different since Blake and I started working on her house. She giggles too much at things we say even when they’re not funny. She walks around in next to nothing with no shame, and it’s starting to really piss me off.

  The doorbell goes and I run into the kitchen to put the ice back in the freezer. I flex my hand to test my knuckles and they still hurt like a motherfucker. But that guy deserved it. I shake off all thoughts of Laurel; this is work, I need to concentrate. Jogging back to the door, I reach for the handle. Showtime. I open it wide and smile down at her, “Hey, come on in.” She doesn’t respond with words. Her body smashes against mine and she pushes me back into the house. It takes a few seconds for what we’re doing to register but it finally hits me and I grab her arms to push her away. “Alex, stop,” I say after I’ve ripped her lips away from mine. “We did this already, and agreed we wouldn’t do it again. I thought you came here to talk about the house?” Oh God, she obviously got the complete wrong idea when I suggested meeting here.

  “And I thought you wanted me? Last time was so much fun, don’t you think it would be even better to repeat it?” She strokes her hands over my chest but I shrug away from her touch. She’s attractive; great in business, really knows what she’s talking about, but way too high maintenance.

  “It was great, but let’s leave it at that. Now, I’ve got the plans ready, let’s go and look through them and you can tell me what you were worried about.”

  I feel like it’s better to ignore it rather than carry on talking about it and I hope she gets the hint so I head back into the sitting room and make my way over to the chair. If I sit on the sofa she might sit next to me and try something again. The plan doesn’t work when she takes a seat on the arm of the chair. She crosses her legs and it causes her tight skirt to ride up exposing the fastening on her suspenders. Fuck, she’s too much. I need to get away from her or I’ll do something I regret. I stare at the papers in front of me, looking but not actually seeing anything and all I can think about is what I’ll be faced with if I turn my head to the side. She reaches down to pick up the pen and points to some areas that she wants to change. The alcove I wanted to build in was too small, as was the walk-in-wardrobe and I hadn’t designed a place for her to store her handbags. The coloured tiles in the kitchen weren’t right and she wanted a different room to be the games room. All fairly easy problems to fix and I make a few notes. Her hand moves and she runs the tip of the pen up and down my back, stroking me. I clear my throat and let out a warning, “Alex…”

  “What? Doesn’t it feel good? I saw you looking at my legs, wouldn’t you like to see what I’ve got on underneath this skirt? You’ll like it, I promise,” she whispers in my ear, and my restraint is slowly coming undone.

  I jump out the chair to put some distance between us.

  “We can’t. Look, I’ll revise the plans and get a new set sent to you with the changes.”

  Her eyes narrow, and she stands and straightens. She’s the kind of woman who always gets what and who she wants. Hell, it’s taken every ounce of willpower inside of me to walk away.

  “Are you really saying no? To me?” Her voice is too damn scary, it’s high and shrill.

  “I just think it’s better if we keep this work related. There’s a lot do with the house. I need
to focus on that.”

  She shakes her head and walks over to me. “You can’t say no to me. I won’t allow it.”

  I don’t know who she thinks she is, but now she’s coming across as crazy I’m glad I said no. Or maybe she’s just embarrassed so I decide to change tack. I make my voice sound as sensitive as I can manage, “Alex, you don’t have a choice. I’m sorry this isn’t going to happen. You’re great though, and I’d like us to get along for the sake of this project.”

  What she does next sends an uneasy shiver around my body. She laughs, and it’s not a happy laugh, it’s cold and calculating, and something about the way she’s looking at me leaves me feeling troubled.

  “No-one says no to me,” she says through clenched teeth. “I’m going to give you a few days to realise the mistake you’ve made though because I’m feeling generous. You don’t want to push me James. I’ll see myself out.”

  I’m standing in my living room having just been threatened because I turned down sex. I can’t believe it. My jaw is wide open but the shock fades and anger replaces it. What the fuck? Crazy bitch. The front door slams shut and I fall back into the chair. I can’t keep working on her house with her acting like that but I’m under contract and we’ll lose a load of money if we’re the ones to back out. I know Blake was excited by the deal because it means he’ll be able to give Cassie a big wedding, not that she’s bothered, but it means a lot to him. Would Alex listen once she’s had enough time to calm down? Maybe she’ll realise how crazy she acted and apologise. Ha, yeah right. I skulk upstairs to my office with the plans and get to work adjusting them. The quicker I can get them completed, the quicker we can finish the work we’re doing and I can get away from her.