by Brian Alford
In a comical attempt at offence Henry chastised Vic. “I am not chicken. Its just not worth the effort. I want nothing to do with women. They’re just trouble.”
Bill flapped his arms in a gesture meant to imitate a chicken. “Women are trouble? Listen who’s talking? The man whose middle name is trouble. The man who can find trouble without even blinking an eyelid.”
Bob decided Bill had gone too far. “That’s not fair. Henry doesn’t cause trouble its just that, well, it seems to find him. Its not his fault. He’s well, he’s just unlucky.”
Henry nodded in agreement. “Quite right. Thank you Bob.”
Bob was pleased with the response. “You’re welcome. And another thing Henry, I don’t think you’re a cantankerous old sod like Bill said.”
Bill coughed loudly. “Er thank you Bob. That was just a little joke, it, wasn’t meant to be repeated.”
Bob pouted in disgust. “Then you should not have said it. Henry might be a little quick tempered and some way past his prime but I think cantankerous old sod is a bit unfair.”
Bill sensed he was getting into deep water but attempted to make light of it. “So what are you saying, that he’s a bad tempered has been?”
This confused Bob. “Yes, no, I mean. Oh you’re incorrigible.”
“No I’m not. Its just the way I walk.”
Henry had heard enough. “Oh belt up you two.”
Bill nudged Bob and whispered loudly. “There you are. I was right. Bad tempered old sod isn’t he? And chicken to boot.”
“I am not chicken!”
Bill raised his voice and tried to display an earnest look on his face. “Right, I tell you what, I’ll sort you out a partner and I’ll even pay for the tickets for you.”
A twinkle of interest appeared in Henry’s eyes. This sounded like an opportunity for free food and drink even if it meant compromising his deeply held opinion of women. His interest faded in an instant. He knew Bill of old and past experiences of his organising were not always agreeable. “Bugger off and stop trying to annoy me.”
“No, its a serious offer Henry, made in front of witnesses. Free food, free booze, good company, what more could you want?”
“What’s the catch?”
“No catch, how can there be a catch in free booze?”
Bill had repeated the magic words and Henry was just about convinced. “Alright, I’ll give it a try. But don’t expect me to be polite.”
“The thought never entered my head Henry. I don’t believe in miracles.”
A small penny dropped in Henry’s head. “Who’s this woman you are going to line me up with?”
“Aha, you’ll just have to wait and see. It will be a blind date.”
“Bugger off. I’m not falling for a trick like that.”
“Not even for free booze?”
Henry contemplated the dilemma. “Mmm, well, if I don’t like her I shall have nothing to do with her right?”
“Fair enough.”
Something about Bill’s ready reply and the smirk on his face worried Henry. Bill was cunning and never did anything that did not contain an element of horseplay somewhere. It was not that he was malicious, simply that he had an over active sense of fun, especially at the expense of others. Though generous by nature Bill was not noted for being excessively charitable and Henry had the suspicion that he would have a price to pay for Bill’s generosity. But, he decided, nothing ventured nothing gained, or rather nothing ventured no drink gained. With Bill’s suspicious generosity he could avoid another lonely evening drinking on his own and at his own expense. There was even the unlikely possibility that he could even enjoy the evening.
Barndem Ladies Night always took place at the impressive and elegant venue of the East Lodge. Formerly a hunting lodge of the local Baron, it had evolved into a popular and pleasant place of sustenance and repose. East Lodge had been added to and improved over the years such that it had become an ideal setting for large celebrations. Not only was the banqueting hall vast and picturesque but the large kitchens were famous for their cuisine. Added to this was the sumptuous and elegant accommodation which was made available to Barndem members on Ladies Night at a concessionary rate so that they could retire after the evening’s revelry and so avoid the accursed problem of drinking and driving.
Dress was formal for Ladies Night and Henry’s last futile attempt at extricating himself from the evening was to plead lack of anything suitable to wear. This pedantic objection was easily dismissed and the necessary items of dress accumulated from various members. It was an interesting phenomenon that the male members of Barndem all seemed to degenerate to roughly the same short portly stature as they aged. Exchange of clothing was therefore not a problem as there were many of a build similar to Henry.
Dressed for the kill and smelling vaguely of moth balls and stale after shave Henry arrived at East Lodge to be met by Bill. Henry hesitated as he saw the excited state which Bill was trying desperately to contain, but his hesitance quickly vanished as he noted the drinks being handed out to each guest as they arrived. Henry stood imbibing the distasteful fruit drink with his back turned towards the direction from which Vic was walking accompanied by a large woman. Tapping Henry on the shoulder Bill impishly introduced Henry to his date for the evening.
Henry’s blind date was none other than Agnes Strump, the one time district nurse who had so embarrassed him in the White Horse during the beating of the boundary walk earlier in the year. At the sight of Henry Anges threw open her arms and beckoned in a loud voice. “Henry my dear little man. How are you? Come here and let me give you a big hug.”
Henry was dumbstruck. Some things in life are best forgotten and when the memory is horribly thrust into the limelight the shock can be overwhelming. In Henry’s case it most definitely was and he stood gawping like the half-wit Agnes believed him to be. A nightmare had returned. Life could be so cruel. In his frozen shocked state, escape was not an option.
Agnes was insistent and approached the shaken Henry. “Well come on then. Don’t just stand there with your mouth open. You’ll catch a fly in it.”
Somehow, from deep within Henry managed to dredge up some semblance of intelligent thought and speech emerged from his open mouth. “No, leave me alone.”
Grabbing Henry’s arm Agnes began to march in the direction of the dining room. “Now come on. Don’t be a silly boy. Agnes pinched Henry’s ample girth in a half admonishing but affectionate gesture. “We’re off for some nice din dins. You’ll like that won’t you? I can see you enjoy your din dins.”
It would be fair to say that the meal did not pass without incident. Trouble began when Agnes ordered a pint of beer, real beer not, as she proclaimed loudly, the pee water that passed for beer. Unfortunately pee water beverage is precisely what she was given and a ruckus ensued as she complained loudly and angrily. This proved to be the first of a line of complaints about the soup, the fish, and virtually every aspect of the meal. With feeling and force she complained that it was not fit for her poor little Henry to eat.
Throughout, her poor little Henry remained silent and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible. Whenever Agnes was not looking Henry drained his wine glass and nudged Bill to refill it for him. His resulting half comatose state seemed to make his suffering more tolerable.
When the meal was over and the company was thankfully spared further complaints from Agnes, the serious business of the night began. Tables were cleared and moved to the side and a band began to play. Free from the obstacle of formal seating the assembly could mingle and the real social intercourse begin. In the brief period between immediate post meal drink induced excitement and soon to follow drunkenness, tongues lashed everywhere. But vindictive talk brings its own destruction and the verbal onslaught soon faded as the drink flowed.
After a period, as with any gathering, groups formed and settled down to occupy their chosen niche of the banqueting hall. Strangely the small group in which the unusual sight of Henry and Agn
es were to be seen attracted no further followers. Perhaps they were put off by the gloomy look on Henry’s face as Agnes fussed about him. Their constant visits to the toilet certainly caused much comment. Then there was the strange sight of Henry being whirled around the dance floor engulfed by Agnes. The space Agnes needed to accommodate her size and the exuberance of her dancing was readily surrendered by the other dancers. Indeed at one point the happy couple virtually had the dance floor to themselves and somehow managed to win a prize for their efforts. It was all part of Agnes’ plan to ensure the her Henry was tired and got a good nights sleep.
As the chimes of midnight struck on the grandfather clock in reception Agnes stood up and announced, “Right chaps, we’re off to bed. Come on Henry its past our bed time. Time all good little men were tucked up warmly in bed. Don’t want the bogey man to catch us do we?”
Involuntarily Henry nodded his head in agreement and meekly followed Agnes as the rest of the party watched agog. Bill was highly amused by events but Vic was not so sure. Something told him that more was to come and that if Bill had any sense he would beware.
Breakfast the following day was conducted in silence due mainly to the delicate state of the diners. Most of the wives had gone out for a walk in the early morning mid-summer sunshine leaving the men to indulge in the dubious delights of a full English breakfast. In fine health and with a keen appetite the huge plate of fried food would have been a challenge but to the men suffering badly from the after effects of over indulgence it was a monumental struggle. There was every danger that the food would reappear as quickly as it had vanished down the dry and sore throats.
Sensibly Bill had settled for a light breakfast and after his fourth cup of tea was just beginning to feel human again. It was time for a little banter at Henry’s expense.
“So come on then Henry. Spill the beans. What happened last night eh?”
Henry emitted a brief grunt from a sore throat. “Nothing.”
“Come on. You can tell us. We’re men of the world. All night alone with an eligible bachelor woman and you expect us to believe nothing happened.”
“I tell you, nothing did happen. All I can vaguely remember is that she, that dreadful woman, tucked me up in bed and slept all night in the armchair.”
“You’re joking?”
“No I am not. And I tell you she snores like a log. I kept throwing things at her all night but it was like trying to wake the dead. Come morning half my bed clothes and shoes were scattered around her.”
“Where is she now?”
Henry looked genuinely relieved. “I don’t know and I don’t care. I never want to see her again.”
Bill sniggered. “So you got on alright with her then?”
“No I bloody did not!”
“But you were dancing with her last night.”
“Dancing, me? Never, I can’t dance.”
“Well I use the term loosely but you were certainly twirling round the dance floor with Agnes.”
Henry frowned vainly trying to recall the events of the previous night. “Was I? I don’t remember that.”
“Yes, it was just before she took you to the…”
Henry sunk his head into his hands as a vague memory returned. “Please, spare me the details. If I don’t remember let’s leave like that can we?”
“If you insist, though I’d still like to know what ploppy plops are.”
Henry scowled menacingly at Bill. “You ever utter that expression in my presence again and I shall make sure you never speak again!”
“Does Agnes prefer her men masterful?”
“Bugger off!”
Just at that moment Henry heard a voice that made him cringe. It was Agnes back from her morning walk and raring for action. “Morning chaps. Morning Henry. And have we done ploppy plops yet? There was rather a lot of fluffies during the night. Naughty smells.”
Bill had just taken a mouthful of tea. The sound of the forbidden expression caused him to explode and spit the tea over the table. Agnes fetched him a sharp slap on the back. “Steady on old boy. Bones in it are there?”
Bill wiped his mouth with his serviette and sniggered. “No, I just had an attack of ploppy plops.”
Agnes was horrified. “Oh my goodness. I didn’ know you had a weak bowel. Quick, come with me.”
Agnes grabbed Bill by the arm and forcibly dragged him towards the toilet protesting loudly. “Dammit woman, leave me alone before I do something we’ll both regret.”
“Don’t be silly. We’ve got to get you cleaned up. Now come on! Incontinence is nothing to be ashamed of. Happens to us all eventually.”
For the first time in twenty four hours Henry managed a smile. “Now go on Bill. Be a good boy.”
“Henry, tell this stupid woman to let me go!”
“Oh no, if you’ve ploppy plopped yourself then she’ll sort you out.”
Bob has been watching the fracas with deep concern. “I didn’t know Bill suffered from incontinence.”
Vic smiled and shook his head. “Only incontinence of the mouth Bob.”
Bob was once more confused. “Uh?”
“Verbal diarrhoea Bob, verbal diarrhoea which has got him into trouble.”
Henry felt a small wave of triumph. “Serves the bugger right. That’ll teach him to set me up with that dreadful woman.”
In a last desperate attempt to avoid the impending indignity Bill grabbed the architrave of the doorway and hung on. His futile grip was nothing to the immensely strong Agnes. She had spent a lifetime wrestling with reluctant patients and Bill was no match for her. A sharp wrap on the knuckles and he released his grip in pain. Triumphantly Agnes shoved him through the doorway.
A few minutes later Bill returned alone looking bemused and distinctly embarrassed. “That woman’s a menace.”
Henry nodded furiously. “You’re telling me.”
Vic rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Oh I don’t know I think its rather nice the concern she has for you old men. Its quite touching really. Doesn’t it restore your faith in womankind Henry? After all who in their right mind would want to wrestle with the vagaries of your bladder and bowels? You’ve got to admit, that takes courage. It can’t be very pleasant after you’ve been on the beer all night.”
Bill was still smarting from his traumatic experience. “She’s bloody obsessed with bladders and bowels that woman. I swear that if I hadn’t locked the door she would have come in and inspected what I’d done.”
Henry blushed visibly. “You mean she didn’t…..”
Bill looked horrified. “Henry! You didn’t let her…?”
An unusually plaintiff look appeared on Henry’s face. “I didn’t get a lot of choice. She had her foot in the door. Said she wanted to make sure she could get in and help if I got into difficulties. Then when I’d finished…well…she looked and, and she patted me on the back and said I’d been a good boy and… dammit let’s change the subject can we.”
A peculiar silence fell over the four men as each decided to keep their thoughts to themselves. There were things best left unsaid, even between the closest of friends. So deep were there thoughts that the men jumped in fright as the silence was interrupted by the returning Agnes.
“OK you chaps. I’ve organised a nice walk so we can stretch our legs and…” Agnes leaned over to talk discretely to Henry but failed to lower her voice. “….get our bowels on the move eh Henry?”
Henry banged the table in front of him. “Bugger off, you stupid….”
The remainder of the oath was cut off by Bill’s hand placed quickly and forcefully across his mouth.
Agnes waved an admonishing finger at Henry. “Tut, tut! Had a little too much drinkies last night did we? Woke up with a poorly head have we? Never mind. We’ll soon put that right with a brisk walk. Come on now, step lively, all of you.”
Logically all four men could have remained seated and finished their breakfast in peace. Illogically the men obeyed immediately and trooped out after Agnes.
To the other breakfasters it looked like a mother goose leading out her line of goslings, each in step neatly behind one another.
The walk was blissfully uneventful. Henry and Bill were still brooding and thinking dark thoughts about Agnes, and Vic and Bob were trying to keep a low profile hoping not to attract attention to themselves. Agnes chattered on with whatever thoughts came into her head but as she walked in front of the men it was a simple matter for them to ignore her.
A walk round the impressive grounds of East Lodge was a must for every visitor. Within the many acres was contained wild parkland and ancient broadleaf woodland as well as a large landscaped vista which led down to a lake. Water holds an indefinable attraction to most people and so it was with the party that walked under the forthright leadership of Agnes. At the edge of the lake a small jetty protruded into the water and a rowing boat was tethered for use by guests. It seemed inevitable that Agnes should suggest that they go for a twirl round the lake. Though they had reservations about having to share such an entrapping confinement with Agnes, the men had little option but to acquiesce.
Bill untied the boat and held the rope firmly in his hands. Bob and Vic struggled to lend Agnes a hand as she stepped unsteadily into the craft. With a bump she sat down heavily causing the boat to rock and the rope to pull painfully in Bill’s hands. Smarting he released his grip slightly on the rope. Gradually, almost imperceptibly the rope slipped between his hands until it was free. Slowly the boat drifted away from the jetty carrying the chattering Agnes with it.
Vic looked alarmingly at Bill. “Did you do that deliberately?”
Bill was the picture of innocence. “Me? Would I behave so irresponsibly?”
“Yes.”
“Well, she was getting on our nerves wasn’t she Henry?”
“That’s putting it mildly.”
Vic was not amused. “That’s no excuse. It was gross irresponsibility.”
Bill nudged Henry. “Yes, but its shut her up hasn’t it?”
In the drifting boat Agnes sat with her back to the men. Looking round and realising her predicament instantly panicked, stood up and began to wave her arms furiously and yelled to the watching men. Henry and Bill waved back as if returning a greeting. In anger Agnes stamped her foot. Under the assault of the force of Agnes’ considerable weight the boat rocked violently and spilled out its angry contents into the lake. Fortunately the lake was not deep and Agnes was able to wrestle herself to her feet. She stood waist deep in the murky water and glared at the four men. Slowly, menacingly, she began to wade forward. Suddenly she sank up to her ample chest in a hollow and began waving her arms around.